


Home, love, family

by MaimuRose



Series: Light at the end of the tunnel [1]
Category: Anastasia (1997), Anastasia - Flaherty/Ahrens/McNally, Historical RPF, Real Person Fiction, Russian Royalty RPF, The Last Czars (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Artistic License, Author Is Not Religious, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Gen, Historical Fantasy, Historical Inaccuracy, Historical References, I gave Gleb daddy issues, Married Couple, One Big Happy Family, Period Typical Attitudes, Prequel, Religious References, Sad Ending, Sibling Love, Supernatural Elements, Very little romance, author respects all religious beliefs, deeply religious characters, happy marriage, rasputin is also a seer because I can, seer OC character, the fic stops on july 17th 1918
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 95,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25008760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaimuRose/pseuds/MaimuRose
Summary: … there was once a time the Romanovs had it all.Gleb knows they have it all. He knew since he was a child because his father taught him so. They have it all, give back nothing, and they have to be brought down by all means necessary for the sake of Russia.But everything is not as simple and easy as it seems. Maybe they didn´t have it all, maybe they tried to give back something. Maybe the void in Gleb´s heart won´t be filled by their downfall.Doroteya knows they had it all, she used to see the Romanovs in her visions. She used to tell her family about them. Their situation has changed since. She wonders why God gave her the gift of sight then. What is the purpose?
Relationships: Alix of Hesse | Alexandra Feodorovna/Nikolay Alexandrovich Romanov | Nicholas II of Russia, Lily Malevsky-Malevitch/Vlad Popov
Series: Light at the end of the tunnel [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810663
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	1. The Romanovs.

Moscow. July 17, 1918.  
Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

Ivan the Terrible belonged to the Rurik dynasty. He was the first Russian monarch to call himself Tsar, establishing the Tsardom of Russia with Moscow at its center.

Ivan was intelligent and capable, but as his name suggests, prone to anger and cruelty. His dark side became more noticeable after the death of his first wife, Anastasia Romanova, who was capable to an extent of controlling her husband´s impulsive and violent behavior.

Romanov means “son of Roman”. “Roman” is a Russian-given name that comes from “Romanus”, a name original to the times of the Roman Empire.

Anastasia was the daughter of a boyar, a Russian noble. Ivan met her in the traditional bride show, which was a method of choosing a bride from eligible members of the nobility by parading the candidates in front of the Tsar. They usually chose the most beautiful.

When Anastasia died, Ivan ordered to have a great number of boyar nobles tortured and murdered, because he suspected them of poisoning his wife.

I have seen she was indeed poisoned, but many of the people Ivan ordered to be tortured were innocent.

Ivan ruled his lands with an iron fist. One cruel example of this is what happened to the northern city of Novgorod. The once independent city was now part of the Tsar´s domain. For both real and imagined acts of treachery, Ivan ordered his soldiers to punish the entire population, and thus, for over a month, the soldiers murdered, raped, tortured, and robbed the inhabitants without worry over their innocence, sex or youth.

By assaulting his pregnant daughter-in-law, Ivan the Terrible caused the death of his unborn grandchild.

As if more proof for the dark nature of the Tsar´s character was needed, Ivan also killed his son and heir in a fit of rage, something that would in time have grave consequences for the future of the young nation. 

When Ivan died in 1584, his son Feodor I took the throne, but he did not like ruling and spent most of his time praying. Feodor died with no male heirs, and his younger brother, Dmitri, had died years before at the tender age of 8. The poor boy had a seizure while he was playing with a knife.

Many people later claimed Dmitri was murdered, something I know to be untrue.

With the deaths of Feodor and Dmitri came the Time of Troubles, a time of anarchy, war, foreign incursions, and impostors who claimed to be the diseased Dmitri.

  
For the Time of Troubles to end, it was necessary to elect a new ruler. The Zemsky Sobor, which was a parliament, chose Michael Feodorovich Romanov.

Michael was the grandson of Anastasia´s brother, something that made him a good candidate.

Michael lived in the Ipatiev Monastery for a time until the day he was convinced to accept the throne and leave for Moscow.

The first time my mind traveled back to the beginning of Michael´s reign, I heard someone cry in my vision.

“Where are you taking me?” A small voice whispered. It belonged to a scared three-year-old, who asked this question several times to the people who were carrying him to the place where he would be publicly hanged.

His cries were silenced with a slap.

His little body was too light, so it took hours for him to die. The poor baby struggled so much to breathe until his face finally became purple, and his body was left hanging for months so that everyone could see he was dead.

The boy was the son of one of the fake Dimitris, and his mother was Marina Mnizech, a Polish noblewoman and religious fanatic that hoped to convert Russia from Eastern Orthodoxy to Roman Catholicism. Marina married not one, but two false Dimitris in order to achieve this, and condoned the spread of terror and atrocities as well.

  
I think Marina was like me. I can see things that are happening or happened, and occasionally things that will. I have had visions of Marina making the same facial expressions I am told by my husband I do whenever I see something.

My eyes open wide. My entire body freezes, and most often than not, doesn´t react to anything that is happening either in my vision or in reality. My soul does, it feels everything.

Dust could get inside my eyes and I still wouldn´t blink. It is only when a vision ends that my facial expressions are able to reveal the nature of what I have witnessed. A dramatic change, impossible to miss. That is what my husband says.

Marina was not a good woman, but she loved her child as fiercely as most mothers do, something I can deeply empathize with now that I am a mother as well. While imprisoned, after she heard the new Tsar had murdered her son, Marina cried for hours, but her sobs immediately ceased when she had a vision, or a series of visions, over the course of a day.

I could tell Marina was almost forcing herself to keep having visions. Her face looked strained by the effort.

I knew she was satisfied with what she had seen when her expression relaxed. She smiled sinisterly, looking way too content for a woman who had just lost her son.

Before she was secretly strangled, she screamed to her jailers, to her would-be killers, to anyone that would hear her:

"Be damned, house Romanov! In Ipatiev monastery you started, in Ipatiev House you will finish! You began with the death of Tsesarevich, and you will end with Tsesarevich's death!"

She screamed this every hour of every day the week before her death. And hear her they did.

The new Tsar did not take her words seriously or even bother to have anyone write them down, but her curse became a legend among the common people.

To this day there are no documents that can confirm she even cursed the Romanovs, but I know what she said, and I know it sounds like a curse. She was called a witch, but I know she did not have the power to make anything happen. She had fragmented visions that showed her the future of the dynasty, and she tried to use them as a way to hurt the people that murdered her child the only way she could: with the truth.

For me, the visions come at least once a week. I can see, hear, and sometimes feel or smell things. I can distinguish those divine messages from normal thoughts or daydreaming because I can´t control what happens in them, and I know I am not hallucinating because I have had other people confirm the things that happen in my visions.

I can somewhat control what I would like to know about by focusing my mind on it, but even then, the visions are capricious.

Sometimes I get visions when I am not focusing on anything, about people I don’t know or am interested in knowing. Sometimes I am not able to get visions about things I am interested in seeing.

One thing I am sure of is that Marina did indeed have at least one vision of the future, which makes her exceptional even for people like me. Seeing visions of the future is way more uncommon than seeing the past or present.

I know this because I seldom have visions of the future, and when I do, they consist of random nonsense.

The little voice asking “Where are you taking me?” has haunted my sleep since the first time I had the vision. As if the dreams wanted to tell me that if I want to know about the dynasty, I need to be willing to see everything, the beauty, and the horror. I am not allowed to walk away from the horror.

The time of troubles did not end with the innocent boy´s death. He was just a scapegoat for all the suffering the people were going through, and even a third false Dimitri followed, but he was quickly apprehended and executed.

Allowing the execution of the three-year-old was almost part of Michael´s duty. It was done for the sake of his people, for the sake of Russia and his new reign. He must have thought he had no choice.

Oo

After Michael I came his son Alexei I. It is said that Alexei was benevolent towards his subjects but ruthless towards criminals.

Most people who knew him agreed that Alexis was a gentle, warmhearted, and popular ruler. His main fault, some claim, was weakness, because throughout most of his reign, matters of state were handled by favorites, some of whom were not the brightest of people. This was, however, not entirely true.

Alexei was one of the best prepared rulers. An intelligent, restless, and sharp-tongued reformer. He wrote poems, made sketches, and constantly wrote down his ideas about every possible subject. He sought foreign technology to improve his army and palaces. His rages were dangerous and he was quite capable of thumping a minister in the middle of a Council meeting.

The Orthodox Church suffered a schism when the Russian liturgical books, as well as certain rituals, were revised because they had departed from their Greek models. The opponents of the reform were excommunicated, and are nowadays called the Old Believers. They were persecuted for a long time under Alexei. People who knew the Tsar most likely didn´t consider those slandered as heretics as worthy of any compassion.

Alexei was as tender as he was cruel. When the steward of his monasteries got drunk, he wrote him a letter calling him a "God-hater, Christ-seller, singleminded little Satan, damned scoffing enemy, wicked sly evildoer". And yet, the man´s punishment was simply to read this out in public and to atone for his sins.

After his top boyar Prince Nikita Odoevsky lost his son, Alexei comforted him: "Don´t grieve too much. Of course you must grieve and shed tears, but not too much". He was one of the most pious tsars as well. At Easter, he would pray standing for six hours, prostrating himself more than a thousand times.

Alexei married twice, and his son Feodor III followed him when he died. Unfortunately, Feodor himself died without children.

Oo

Peter the Great was Alexei´s youngest son from a second marriage. Peter´s older half-brother, Ivan, was chronically ill and mentally challenged, so a council of Russian nobles chose 10-year-old Peter to be Tsar. This caused a dispute to break between the families of the first and second wives of Alexei I.

Sophia, one of Alexei´s daughters from his first marriage, led a rebellion of the Streltsy elite military corps, which made it possible for Ivan V and Peter I to be declared joint rulers with Sophia as regent.

After Sophia´s regency, Peter continued to rule with his older brother Ivan V until the latter died.

Peter the Great was exceptionally tall, 203 cm, as many of his descendants would also be. I think he was also handsome, but he made really weird facial movements intermittently, not because of visions, they were possibly tics.

Through many successful wars, Peter expanded the Russian Empire and transformed it into a great European power. He traveled through Europe extensively and led a cultural revolution that transformed Russia from a medieval society into a modern one by westernizing the political systems.

Peter was quite fanatical when it came to modernizing, he seemed to deeply disregard the traditions of his own people, going as far as instituting a beard tax to implement his preferred fashion, which I find kind of amusing. His changes were so abrupt that some common folk even believed their Tsar to be the anti-Christ.

One of Peter´s reforms was the abandonment of the traditional titles of Tsar, tsesarevich, tsarevich, tsarina, among others. From then on, the Tsar was officially referred to as the Emperor. It didn´t make much difference. Most common people continued to call the sovereigns “Tsars”. Any male child of a Tsar is still commonly called "tsarevich", and the Tsar´s heir is still referred to as the "tsesarevich".

Peter was the one who started building St. Petersburg as a window to Europe. This city would become the capital of Russia.

Legend says Peter chose the spot to build the city because of an eagle hovering on top of it. He then announced he would build the church of St. Peter and St. Paul there.

Peter called St. Petersburg his new Rome, his paradise. He wanted to take the spiritual leadership of Russia away from Moscow, and for that, he employed clerical publicists to identify St. Petersburg with the New Jerusalem of the Book of Revelation in the Bible.

I am not spared the horror that city hides either. St. Petersburg was, both literally and metaphorically, built on the bodies of people longing for home. Bodies of fathers, grandfathers, and boys just entering adulthood, whose hope for the future was taken away.

Like many great men often do, Peter the Great had a dark side, his St. Petersburg came to be by using forced labor. Peasants were conscripted and taken by armed guards to the site, but so many of them escaped to go back to their families that only about half reached the place where thousands would die like flies from exhaustion, exposure, or illness. For Peter, these deaths were a minor concern, they were easily replaced by the next draft. It was not much different than slavery.

Many peasants already lived like slaves under serfdom, the medieval practice of indentured servitude and debt bondage. Serfs, just like slaves, could be bought, sold, abused, murdered, didn’t have any right over their own bodies, were not allowed to leave the land they worked, and could marry only with their lord´s permission. Unlike slaves, the serfs could only be sold with the land they were attached to. This state of affairs would not change for a long time.

Because no one wanted to live in this strange new city, its population also had to be conscripted at first, just like the labor.

St. Petersburg eventually became one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, and it is there that the Winter Palace, with its gorgeous blue-green walls, white columns, and elegant interiors decorated with gold, was built. That elegant palace with a baroque style is one of the greatest points of pride of our nation. The abundance of decorations consisting of fanciful cornices and window architraves create a magnificent combination.

Peter had a son called Alexei. He was probably named after Peter´s father, but Alexei was nothing like Peter, or his namesake Alexei I. This new Alexei was surrounded by people who detested Peter´s western inclinations. He was also physically unimposing, a drinker, bookish, sickly, and uninterested in the military.

Peter wished for a different son many times. He considered Alexei weak, and unworthy of being Tsar.

Alexei knew how little his father thought of him. He was also deeply self-conscious about his own inadequacies and thus offered to give up his claim, running away with his mistress to Austria instead of becoming a monk, like his father wanted him to.

Peter begged Alexei to come back, fearing that the Austrians, which were rivals of the Russian Empire at that time, would try to use him. Peter promised his son he would not be punished for his escape. This was a lie.

Upon his return, Alexei and many of his associates were tortured in search for information about a conspiracy that was really not as extended as Peter believed. There was no one in Russia involved in it.

There was a conspiracy though.

Alexei had indeed, albeit reluctantly, come to an agreement with the Austrians to possibly lead a revolt in the future, and he easily cracked under torture. His fate was sealed. Alexei died from wounds his own father ordered to be inflicted upon him. I do not think having refused to help the Austrians would have made a huge difference.

Peter the Great changed the succession laws to make it so each sovereign had to choose their successor, but he died without naming one himself. What followed was a period of many palace coups mostly led by women, where the sovereigns had to get the support of the Imperial Guards for success.

Oo

After Peter died, his second wife, Catherine I, seized the throne. She was the first Romanov Empress.

Catherine´s story is so amazing it seems taken out of a fairytale. She was born Marta Helena Skowrońska, daughter of Roman Catholic peasants from the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. She took the name Catherine after her conversion to Orthodoxy and marriage to Peter the Great. She and Peter had two daughters that survived childhood: Anna and Elizabeth.

Catherine I died soon after her ascension though, and Alexei´s son Peter II followed her.

Young Peter had a short and sad life, his father was tortured to death when he was a baby and his mother died when he was 10 years old. Peter the Great was not interested in young Peter´s education or that of his older sister, he hated his son Alexei after all. Both siblings were kept in seclusion.

Because of his young age and lack of proper education, Peter II showed disinterest in the business of ruling, leaving most of the job to other people. Russia was in total disorder during his reign. He was tragically trapped under the influence of older people as any child monarch is vulnerable to be. A powerful minister called Aleksandr Menshikov used to order him around and demean him until Peter II sent him to Siberia when the man became ill.

As if that was not tragic enough, he was corrupted by so-called friends, some of whom were interested in controlling his political decisions and thus encouraged this corruption. Peter was introduced into living a life of feasting, playing cards, and even becoming addicted to alcohol and women at an age when most boys and girls are only starting to become curious about the opposite gender. I can´t help but wonder why no one thought it was their duty to protect that boy.

I genuinely believe the only true friend Peter II had, with no ulterior motives, was his sister, but she tragically died from an illness a year before he did.

The boy Tsar fell ill from smallpox, and in his delirium, ordered to be brought to his late sister. Peter died in 1730, the day he was supposed to marry. He was only 14, and was the last male-line descendant of Peter the Great.

Oo

Anna of Russia succeeded Peter II. Anna was the daughter, not of Peter the Great, but of Ivan V, his mentally challenged older half-brother, the one who co-ruled with him during the first period of his reign.

Anna of Russia chose the infant Ivan VI as her successor. Ivan VI was Anna´s nephew, a great-grandson of her father Ivan V. Anna disbanded the council that tried to restrict her power and invited her Baltic German ally, Ernst von Biron, to help her rule. Ernst´s corruption and the luxurious lifestyle of his German court angered people.

When Anna died, baby Ivan VI´s mother became regent, but she ruled with little support from the nobility. Peter the Great´s daughter Elizabeth, with the help of the Imperial Guard, arrested both the baby and his mother.

The infant Tsar was separated from his mother and spent the rest of his days in prison. The mother gave birth to more children in captivity. They also lived and died in strict seclusion, unable to learn how to socialize or live a normal life. They were even forbidden to learn how to read.

Elizabeth was crowned Empress, and her 21-year reign was successful. She continued modernizing the country and building St. Petersburg. Her court was as luxurious as that of Versailles in France.

Elizabeth chose her nephew, who would become Peter III, as her heir. Peter was the son of Anna, Elizabeth´s sister and the oldest daughter of Peter the Great and Catherine I.

  
Elizabeth arranged a marriage for Peter with the German princess Sophie Friederike Auguste von Anhalt-Zerbst-Dornburg, who changed her name to Catherine when she converted to orthodoxy.

Peter and Catherine disliked each other almost instantly. Theirs was not a happy marriage and both had affairs with other people, but they had a son, Paul.

Catherine had a lover at the time she became pregnant with Paul, so it is impossible to know whether Peter III was the father. The Romanov dynasty could have actually ended with Peter III, but I do not think that is the case, because Marina´s words seem to be about to come to pass, which means Paul´s descendants were definitely Michael´s descendants.

Oo

Most of what people today know about Peter III comes from the descriptions of his much more successful and popular wife, who hated him, so he is remembered as one of the worst Tsars in history.

Peter III was indeed mean at times, incredibly ugly after surviving smallpox, entitled due to his position, brutal with his practical jokes, and a bit childish. He still played with toy soldiers as an adult and was obsessed with military order. He once court-martialed a rat for chewing some of his toy soldiers, and needless to say, he hanged the rat.  
Because he spent most of his life in Germany, Peter III loved that country more than Russia.

When Elizabeth died during the Seven Years War, a war that involved most European powers, Peter made a peace treaty with Russia´s enemy at the time, Prussia, and gave up all of the conquests Russia had achieved. This, quite understandably, infuriated the army that had bled and suffered for those lands.

Peter III decided instead to go to war with Denmark for no clear reason.

Despite this, there was more to Peter than that. During his short reign, he passed many laws, some of them very enlightened in nature. He proclaimed religious freedom, fought corruption in the government, and abolished the secret police, which he abhorred for its cruel torture methods.

It was Peter III, and not one of the Tsars loved by history, who made the murder of serfs by landowners punishable for the first time.

One of his best received laws was allowing the nobility to travel abroad and exempting them from obligatory military service. The parliament offered to build him a gold statue when they heard about this, but Peter refused, saying it was a waste of gold.

Peter III was overthrown by his wife Catherine with the help of the palace guards, one of whom was one of Catherine´s lovers, Orlov. Peter was arrested, forced to abdicate, and conveniently died soon after in a drunken altercation with one of the officers guarding him.

Catherine, who had already seized the throne for herself, becoming Catherine II, certainly benefited from this.

It was during Catherine´s reign that the still imprisoned Ivan VI was murdered after a very tragic life in seclusion, away from his family. Catherine had ordered the death of the prisoner if any attempt to rescue him was made, and there was an attempt.

I do not think Catherine wanted to allow his murder, but she rationalized that it was necessary to avoid a possible civil war, for Ivan´s supporters could have caused trouble in his name. She once said that his life was not worth living anyway after being a prisoner since infancy, and that his executioners would simply be taking the "creature" out of his misery.

It is sad. Ivan VI had learned to read despite not being allowed to, and although a lifetime of imprisonment had indeed damaged his mental state, he had not gone insane or anything like that.

I have seen power desensitize the noblest of people to the loss of thousands of human lives if it serves a greater purpose. It is even easier to be desensitized to the loss of one. 

It is no wonder though, that Catherine II, who ruled for 34 years, is called the Great. She expanded Russia through two Russo-Turkish wars and acquired bits of Poland. There were improvements in public health during her reign, she was even the first in Russia to get a vaccine as an example to others.

Trade was promoted and expanded. Alaska was discovered. Catherine encouraged education and philosophy, and established elected local governments. She also took measures to prosecute the cruel treatment of serfs by landowners, and passed laws that forced landowners to help the serfs in times of famine.

Catherine loved philosophy. The French philosopher Voltaire called her the “star of the north”, for she was what some would call an “enlightened despot”. Despite this, Catherine wanted to keep the revolutionary ideas that had spread at that time throughout France and America out of Russia, but she did not like the idea of going to war with France, now a republic, to achieve this.

Catherine died in 1796, and her son Paul succeeded her.

Now, Paul didn’t like his mother very much. He blamed her for his father´s death despite barely knowing him. That might be a reason why his new succession laws, called the Pauline laws, excluded women unless the entire male line disappeared.

Paul, fortunately, had 4 male children: Alexander, Konstantin, Nicholas, and Michael.

Oo

Catherine the Great named her grandson Konstantin after Constantine the Great, the founder of the Eastern Roman Empire, also known as the Byzantine Empire, or Byzantium.

When the Roman Empire fell, its eastern provinces stood. They survived and flourished throughout the Middle Ages.

Constantinople was Byzantium´s capital. The new Rome. A place of great significance for Orthodox Christians. 

In 1453, however, the Eastern Roman Empire fell just like the western Roman provinces did centuries before. The Turks conquered the Byzantine Empire, and the Ottoman Empire has occupied its place ever since.

During her reign, Catherine II hoped to restore the Eastern Roman Empire. She wanted to retake Constantinople, now Istanbul, from the Turks, and make her grandson Konstantin the Emperor of the new and reborn Byzantium.

None of these plans ever came to pass.

Moscow is said to be the third Rome.

Oo

Paul, like his father, was considered harsh, militaristic, moody, traditional, and was referred to by some as the “mad Tsar”. 

Despite disliking his mother, Paul was loyal, and refused to participate in any coup to remove her from power while she was alive, not even when the would-be conspirators offered to spare her life. Paul and his wife were also interested in learning subjects that could help their people.

Paul forbid the separation of serf families by landowners, made it so nobles received the same corporal punishments as those given to the common people for the same crimes, and put a box of letters in the Winter Palace, where any Russian could come and write him suggestions. He read and answered as many as he could.

Paul was no liberal though, he also cut off the import of books coming from France in order to stop the spread of revolutionary ideas, and joined the second coalition against revolutionary France.

Paul was murdered during a coup that his son and heir, Alexander, knew about. The Tsar fought back fiercely and refused to abdicate, but was eventually strangled.

Alexander I succeeded his father. He did not know the coup included murder, and was guilt-ridden for the rest of his life.

Oo

Alexander I is famous for ruling Russia during the period of the Napoleonic wars.

Napoleon´s invasion of Russia in 1812 was a total disaster, and the Russian winter haunted the invaders during their retreat. As part of the winning coalition against Napoleon, Russia gained territory in Finland and Poland.

Alexander was said to have died without legitimate children, so his brother Nicholas I succeeded him. I say he was said to have died because it is known that Alexander actually faked his own death and became a starets out of guilt for not stopping the murder of his father.

Starets are wise holy men who live a life of prayer in monasteries or wander from place to place, living humbly out of charity. It may have been perfect penitence in Alexander´s eyes.

Not everyone was happy about Nicholas ascending the throne though, because he had an older brother, Konstantin. Konstantin, however, had given up his claim to the throne.

Liberal army officers used Nicholas´s ascension as an opportunity to revolt, hoping to get Konstantin, who did not wish to rule, on the throne, and thus control him. Because the revolts took place in December, they would be called the Decembrist revolts.

The Decembrist officers wanted changes in society, like a constitution and more say in the government. These desires were caused in part by their experiences during the Napoleonic wars and exposure to French liberal ideas, as well as witnessing the hardships that average people endured.

The United States Declaration of Independence inspired the Decembrists to a certain extent, but the Decembrists were against the slavery still prevalent in America, and in consequence, they were also against serfdom.

There was no constitution or abolition of serfdom under Nicholas I though, and most Decembrists were sentenced to a life of hard labor in Siberia.

A war broke out between Persia and Russia during the reign of Nicholas I, for the Persians wanted to regain land lost to Russia in previous conflicts. Russia was victorious again.

A rebellion in Poland also broke out. The Poles were not happy their country had been previously split between various European powers, one of them, Russia. The rebellion failed, and Nicholas decided to close down Polish universities and abolish the Polish parliament.

Nicholas started to encourage the Poles to speak Russian. Not only the Poles, but also the Ukrainians, Belarusians, and other minorities within the Empire were pushed to talk Russian in what would be called a “Russification” campaign. Nicholas I wanted to unite all of his lands in “orthodoxy, autocracy, and nationality”. This obviously did not sit well with said minorities, especially the ones that practiced different religions like Catholicism.

Nicholas I did not like serfdom, but he felt that if he abolished it, the nobility would turn against him. Instead, Nicholas ordered the general in charge of the Crown Estates, the lands that belonged to the Tsar, to enact changes that would improve the lives of the serfs living and working there. Poorer serfs were given more lands, and schools were built for the children, for example. Nicholas hoped other landowners would follow his lead.

During his reign, the Crimean war also started.

The Crimean war was a conflict Russia lost to an alliance made up of the Ottoman Empire, France, United Kingdom, and Sardinia. The rights of Christian minorities living in the Holy Land, which belonged to the Ottoman Empire, were the immediate cause of the war. Britain and France feared Russia would gain even more territory and power at the expense of an already declining Ottoman Empire.

Nicholas I had 7 children, 4 of whom were boys eligible for the throne. He died in 1855, and his son, Alexander II, succeeded him.

Oo

Alexander II came to the throne when Russia had just lost the Crimean war, so it fell on him to agree to the terms imposed by the allies. Russia would need a lot of time to recover from this defeat.

Alexander II is best known for abolishing serfdom, and because of that, he is called “Alexander the Liberator”, but it was not an easy transition. Many of the freed peasants did not enjoy any improved standards of living after obtaining their freedom. The prices of land were too high.

Alexander tried to help the peasants as well as he could, but only managed to make them become indebted to the government.

Curiously, Alexander II was a contemporary of Abraham Lincoln, the president of the United States during their Civil War, which ended in the emancipation of their slaves.

During the American Civil war, the Russian Navy wintered in New York to help the union in the event that Britain or France were to help the confederacy. Britain and France were Russia´s rivals at the time, and it was suspected they sympathized with the south.

Alexander II also sold Alaska to the Americans so that the British would not take control over it.

  
Alexander II made other liberal reforms, like abolishing corporal punishment, setting up elected local judges, promoting local self-government, ending some of the privileges of the nobility, and promoting university education.

The Tsar liberator fought a brief war against the Ottoman Empire, helping the Serbians after an uprising.

The Turks had ruled over the Serbians for many years, but as a result of this war, Romania, Serbia, and Montenegro achieved their independence, and Russia annexed some territories in the Caucasus.

There was another Polish rebellion during Alexander´s reign. It included some terrorist attacks. Initially, Alexander II wanted to tackle the problem with a conciliatory approach, so he offered the Poles more autonomy. This did not work.

The Poles were tired of foreign rule and the rebellion spread to Lithuania, Belorussia, and Ukraine. Alexander then crushed the rebellion by force. He substituted Polish officials for Russian ones. Russian language in schools became compulsory, and he banned the printings of anything written in Polish, Ukrainian, Lithuanian, or Belarusian. He remained benevolent with Finland though, and even encouraged its nationalism and autonomy, maybe because it remained loyal during the uprisings. Even today, many people in Finland consider him a good Tsar.

Alexander II had 8 legitimate children with his first wife, Maria Alexandrovna: Alexandra, Nicholas, Alexander, Vladimir, Alexei, Maria, Sergei, and Paul.

Later on, Alexander had three more children with his last mistress, a woman he married after his wife´s death. Alexander caused her wife a lot of pain with his numerous affairs, and Maria did not have anyone to talk to about it, because the haughtier ladies ridiculed her at court for being bothered by her husband´s antics.

Alexander´s daughter Alexandra died at a young age, but Maria grew up to marry one of the sons of Queen Victoria. All of Alexander´s sons had a good claim to the throne, and many came to have male children of their own that were themselves eligible.

The heir, Nicholas, became engaged to a Danish princess in a love match. Her name was Dagmar.

Dagmar became popular in Russia the moment she arrived. She was loved by the people for being sociable and graceful, and Nicholas noticed this. Very regretfully, Tsesarevich Nicholas died in 1865 of meningitis before he could marry Dagmar, but knowing what a great empress she would make one day, and worried about her future happiness, he expressed on his deathbed the wish for his bride to marry his younger brother, Alexander.

Alexander, now the Tsesarevich, married Dagmar in 1866 after she had changed her name to Maria Feodorovna and converted to Russian Orthodoxy. In the family, Maria was referred to as “Minnie”.

Alexander and Minnie made a strange but loving pair. Alexander was tall and robust, about 190 cm, and had a big beard. He lacked any elegance, his manners were rough, and he possessed incredible strength. Alexander was proud of his roughness and simple tastes, thinking it made him similar to the humblest of people in Russia, because a true Russian should have some roughness in him. Minnie was a pretty small brunette with big brown eyes and hair. She was polite, delicate, and comfortable in high society.

Alexander was strong enough to bend spoons, and he liked to show visitors his ability, but not in front of his petite wife, who did not like him ruining them. There was no adultery in their marriage, something rare for the Russian aristocracy. Minnie immediately made it her duty to learn the language and customs of her new country.

Alexander and Maria had 6 children: Nicholas, Alexander, George, Xenia, Michael, and Olga.

Oo

Nicholas was born on the 6th of May according to the old calendar, in the Alexander Palace, a smaller and simpler residence than the Winter Palace. The Alexander Palace was commissioned to be built by Catherine II for her favorite grandson, Alexander I.

Nicholas was born on the feast of St. Job the long-suffering.

St. Job is a saint known for being an extremely righteous, God-fearing, and wealthy man with lots of children who abruptly lost all of his wealth and family through a series of attacks by enemies and natural catastrophes. All of Job´s children died, and Job himself was later afflicted with a terrible illness that disfigured his face. In spite of this, Job never once complained or cursed God, for God had given him everything he once possessed.

As a reward for Job´s devotion, God cured him, restored all of his wealth, rewarding him with even more possessions than he previously had, and also blessed him with more children.

When a nurse took notice of the date of Nicholas´s birth, saying that maybe it was an omen, Minnie looked shocked and concerned. She took baby Nicholas from his crib and cuddled him, then she told the nurse not to say such nonsense.

Alexander, the second son of Alexander and Minnie, died in infancy, causing his parents a lot of pain.

Oo

Alexander the son had become estranged from his father, Alexander II, because of the latter´s way of breaking his mother´s heart with his affairs, and because of differences in political opinions, but Alexander II was still close to his grandchildren. He called Nicholas “sun-ray”.

Nicholas and his brother George used to play in their grandfather´s study while Alexander II worked. One time, during a thunderstorm, Nicholas was surprised by the way his grandfather remained calm and crossed himself piously. From that day on Nicholas was no longer scared of thunderstorms. Just like Job, he knew he had to believe in the mercy of God.

Young Nicholas loved history and birds. Once, when a bird fell from its nest, he prayed for it not to die, for God had enough of them. Nicholas was by nature quick-tempered, but possessed huge self-control. Barely anyone ever saw him angry.

At this time, revolutionary ideas had already started to take root in Russia, and many underground revolutionary groups were present, some of which condoned the use of terrorism.

Despite his many liberal concessions, Alexander II suffered many assassination attempts. This, understandably, made him slightly paranoid and reactionary by the end of his reign. Even then, Alexander II planned to create a consultative committee made up of elected representatives to advise the monarch, and toyed with the idea of granting the people a constitution.

In 1881, before he could go ahead with any of those plans, the Tsar´s carriage was bombed by members of an organization called “People´s Will”.

Alexander II survived and was unhurt, but he wanted to check on the wounded Cossacks that were accompanying him when the explosion occurred. As he was approaching them, the terrorists threw another bomb, and Alexander was fatally wounded.

“To the palace… to die”, is what the Tsar Liberator said before he was carried to the Winter Palace.

Nicholas, 13 at the time, and his brother George were having breakfast when a servant ran in and informed them that an accident had occurred. The heir, Alexander, had ordered his sons to go immediately to the Winter Palace.

Nicholas and George traveled in a carriage. When they arrived, everyone had pale faces, and there were spots of blood in the carpets. All of the members of the Emperor´s family that were close at the time of the incident were in the study. Alexander II was lying on a camp bed, the one where he always slept, and was covered with a military coat.

“Papa”, Alexander said as he led his son Nicholas to see his wounded grandfather, “your sunray is here”. Alexander II opened his eyes, tried to smile, and pointed a finger at his grandson. He recognized him but was unable to say anything. The dying man was given communion for the last time, and all of his family fell to their knees. The Tsar liberator died quietly. His son, Alexander III, succeeded him.

Oo

I was born in 1894, during the final year of the reign of Alexander III.

I had my first vision when I was four years old. It was that of my mother arguing with a man about the price of a cow. I was at home when that happened, and my mother was in the market trying to sell our cow.

I told my mother I agreed with her, that cow was worth a lot more, I loved that cow as if she were my dog. My mother opened her eyes widely, not believing her ears. I did not understand at that time what was so strange.

My family loved me even with my peculiar ability, but they tried to hide it away. They said people would not understand. Sometimes I felt lonely because I could not talk to anyone about it, I thought there was something wrong with me.

Whenever I could not help myself and talked about my visions, my neighbors accused me of spying, or getting into other people´s business, because most of my visions were about people I knew, people close to me. Whenever I discovered someone lying I felt it was my duty to talk about it. I hate lies, but that would only get me into more trouble.

I could not keep having visions about my neighbors, so I learned to control my ability by focusing on famous people whose pictures I saw in the newspapers whenever my siblings and I traveled to bigger villages. I surprised them by knowing a lot about those people, even though I could not read.

My two younger sisters and older brother would find out I was right about everything when someone who knew how to read and write offered to read the newspaper for us. It is very common for kind people to do that.

Sometimes they read something that contradicted what I said, and my siblings took that as proof I was bluffing, but for me it was proof people lie all the time. That is how much I trust my visions.

My visions about people close to me gradually decreased until they were so uncommon they did not bother me anymore. Around that time, I started focusing on the Romanovs, like a very nosy newspaper reporter, only I knew and know for sure what I have seen is true.

My family and I were just peasants, my sisters and brother still are. We lived in a typical small hut with a stove, table, and chairs. We used candles to illuminate our evenings. We all slept on the floor or on top of the stove, my parents, grandparents, siblings, and I.

I used to have more than three siblings. I predicted the deaths of the ones who left us too soon.

My sisters and I worked as hard in the fields as my brother, and once a week we worked for someone else in exchange for our piece of land. I loved more than anything to do needlework while chatting with my sisters near the stove after a hard day.

We venerated the Tsar as the father of our people. A picture of Nicholas II rested next to our many religious icons. My brother said that the Tsar met with God once a week to discuss what was best for the country, but thanks to my visions, I learned that was not true. The veneration my family had for the Tsar is one of the reasons I started focusing so much on him and his relatives. I used to tell my loved ones stories about him, his wife, and his children.

The taunts and the gossip did not stop when I learned to relatively control my visions though. Many people called me a witch. I did not have any friends, the other children from the village made terrible jokes and songs about me, which they said and sung out loud so I could hear, and their parents did not allow them to play with me.

Everything changed when I became friends with the priest of our nearest church. I talked to him about my visions during confession. His name is Gerasim.

Gerasim said many priests would think my ability came from the devil, but that he knew it was a gift from God. How did Gerasim know my ability was a gift from God? He told me he knew because of my name, Doroteya, which means “gift of God”. He said my sight must be so then. Gerasim taught me that given names have prophetic meanings when parents pray to God for guidance before naming their children. He said he knew my parents did pray before naming me, because he was friends with them.

The name Gerasim means “respectable”, or “honorable elder”. I think Gerasim´s parents also prayed before naming him.

Church became my favorite place. I would travel there every week. After mass, I would talk with Gerasim about God and history as if he were my grandfather. He taught me how to read and write, and then taught me most of what I know about Russian history. The visions are a nice addition sometimes, but I almost never know what is happening in them or who it is that I am seeing, especially when the visions are from older times. Gerasim helped me put into context many of the visions that I did have, and even gave me a history book to borrow.

I still had trouble understanding most of the things that happened in my visions, especially those about the older Romanovs, since I knew no French, which was the main language of the Russian court. I told Gerasim I would learn French one day, and I started learning soon after I got married.

I still go with my husband and daughter to visit Gerasim whenever we have free time, but the poor man is so old now he can barely see.

Men of God were respected in my village, so Anna became my first friend my age when her parents allowed her to play with me. They trusted Gerasim. I was 10 years old then. Anna and I played a lot together, even games that were too childish for our ages. I was making up for the lost time I was not able to play with anyone. She also defended me from all of my bullies, I really loved her.

The visions I have about my contemporaries are way more reliable and understandable, like those I am having about the family imprisoned at the Ipatiev house, walking down the stairs towards a basement right now. They may be executed, or they may suffer a similar fate to that of the brothers and sisters of Ivan VI: forever imprisoned, but at least together. The visions I had about the terrified 13-year-old boy who is now the head of that family are also reliable.

Alexander III thought his father´s murder was a lesson on what happened when you lowered your guard, when you allowed yourself to be seduced by liberal ideas. His father tried to compromise and look where that got him.

Liberals could not be appeased, they did not want a reasonable solution to the country´s problems, they only wanted the destruction of all of Russia´s traditions, the destruction of orthodoxy, the destruction of the monarchy, and thus their family. The revolutionaries were also willing to kill as many people as necessary to succeed. They had killed those Cossacks that traveled with Alexander II after all.

The Russian people needed to be protected, and to do so, Alexander III needed to be firm and uphold the values of autocracy, of absolute monarchy.

At least that was Alexander´s train of thought, and he tried to make his son, Nicholas, think the same way.

Nicholas did not need much convincing to think like his father. Seeing his grandfather bleeding to death at a young age had caused a profound impact on him. Things that happen when you are young have a way to remain with you forever. The fate of Russia was almost sealed.

The name of Nicholas means “victory of the people”, a sad irony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some stuff is taken from Wikipedia, and other websites. The part on Alexei is from "The Romanovs (Simon Sebag Montefiore)".


	2. The funeral brides.

Moscow. July 17, 1918.  
Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

The murder of Alexander II triggered a wave of pogroms, or riots, in which many innocent Jews were killed, lost their livelihoods, or both. One of the Tsar´s assassins was Jewish, something the people rioting knew about and used as an excuse. It is horrible and embarrassing for our nation that even local policemen took part in these riots or at least allowed them to happen.

Alexander III was, in some ways, the opposite of Alexander II. On the same day he ascended the throne, he stopped his father´s plans for an elective consultative commission. A month after his ascension he issued a manifesto in which he committed to the maintenance of the autocracy, and promised no attack or challenge to it would go unpunished. His wishes were commands.

At court, Alexander III talked as if he were about to hit someone whenever he gave orders, and when he decided something, he slept peacefully, trusting his own judgment. His will was that strong. His personality was perfect for that of an absolute monarch. During his reign, it seemed as if all revolutionary sentiment had disappeared.

Alexander III started to reverse the liberalization that had occurred during his father´s reign. He weakened the power of the local elected governments, or zemstvos, placing the peasant communities instead under the supervision of land captains appointed by the government. These men were feared and resented by the peasants. By doing this, the Tsar weakened the nobility and got more direct control over the countryside. He increased censorship of material considered subversive and encouraged the development of the Okhrana, or the Tsarist secret police. Thousands of his political enemies were sent to scattered towns in Siberia.

The so-called “May laws” restricted the locations in which Jewish people could live. Their settlement in the countryside was forbidden, and only Jewish rural populations that were already there were exempted from this ban. These restrictions applied even within the Pale settlement, the western region of the empire in which the permanent residency of Jewish people was allowed. In other places, it was mostly forbidden.

Alexander III also forbade Jewish people from having certain occupations, limited the percentage of Jews allowed into schools, and in 1891, he expelled them from Moscow under the supervision of Grand Duke Sergei, his younger brother.

These measures caused worldwide condemnation and turned many Jewish people against the government.

Alexander III was unapologetic though. His government would not be able to protect Jewish people from pogroms that took place in scattered villages, far away from law and order. Most importantly, he distrusted them. He disliked them. Jewish people were not Orthodox Christians.

Alexander didn’t like the Polish Catholics much either, so he continued his grandfather´s policy of “russification” through the teaching of the Russian language at schools. He wanted “orthodoxy, autocracy, and nationality” to be values held by all of his subjects. Other faiths were forbidden to proselytize and were only tolerated.

Alexander III was not averse to all changes. He enacted laws against child labor, forbidding children under 12 from working and limiting the hours those from the ages of 12 to 14 could work. He also made provisions for the education of child workers and instituted a system of factory inspection. Sadly, these laws were not properly enforced most of the time and many workers continued laboring under less than humane conditions.

It can be said, at least, that during the reign of Alexander III railroads were built, and the country was slowly modernizing.

Oo

Alexander III made a very shocking alliance with France, which was a Republic, and thus the complete opposite of our, until very recently, monarchist nation.

Despite their clear differences, France and Russia had a common rival.

The Balkan region, located in southeastern Europe, is populated mainly by Slavs, which are people with similar languages, cultures, and origins.

Russians, Bulgarians, Poles, and Serbians are all Slavs, and the Russian Empire was until very recently the self-proclaimed protector of Slavs. This would naturally include the Balkan Slavs.

The Russian and Austro-Hungarian Empires both had conflicting interests in the Balkan region, and Austria could count on Germany´s support as an ally.

Once, during a state dinner, the Austrian ambassador mentioned the possibility that their army would mobilize in the Balkans due to a crisis. Alexander III picked up a fork from the table and twisted it into a knot.

“That", the Tsar said in a threatening tone, "is what I am going to do to your army”.

The Republic of France had previously been defeated in a disastrous war with Prussia, the region that had unified Germany and made it a superpower. As a consequence of the Franco-Prussian War, France lost the territories of Alsace and Lorraine. Resentment for these losses, combined with fear of Germany´s military power, made an alliance with Russia desirable for France.

Russia promised to go to war with Germany if France was ever attacked, and France promised to go to war with Germany if the latter attacked Russia.

Alexander III disliked Germans, and so did her wife Minnie. Her homeland Denmark had also lost territories to war with them.

Oo

Despite his policies, in private, Alexander III was a playful man with simple tastes. He preferred eating with his servants in the kitchen to grand banquets, and liked to show his strength by carrying his wife with one arm, and his sister-in-law, the wife of the future king of England, with the other arm. Almost everyone in Russia loved his wife Minnie, who delighted in parties and balls. She loved the people back, as well as her children, who needed a kind mother to make up for their disciplinarian father. Once, before she was the empress, she defended protesting students from the police, because they were being beaten. The students had screamed and cheered for her.

Alexander liked playing with all of his children, but Grand Duke Michael was clearly his favorite. Once, as a child, Michael dumped water from a bucket into his father´s head, and the Tsar was not angry. He even laughed.

Alexander III loved Nicholas as well, but he considered him a bit of a disappointment and worried he would not be strong enough to rule when the time came. Despite this, Alexander did not make his son´s education a priority, because he thought there was still a lot of time for those matters. This is not to say that Nicholas was not educated. He knew a lot of languages, was a good student, and particularly good at history, but he was not getting adequate experience on matters of state.

With big blue eyes and dark brown hair, Nicholas was quite handsome, but felt a bit self-conscious about his height. Because his mother was so short, he grew to be only 170 cm tall. A normal height for the average Russian. A pathetic height when compared to that of most Romanov men.

Nicholas was becoming an exceedingly kind and polite young man. He used to give money from his own allowance to the less fortunate and gift scholarships anonymously. When he was 16, he met his future wife at a wedding.

Oo

Victoria, Elizabeth, Irene, Ernest, Friedrich, Alix, and Marie were the children of Luis IV, the Grand Duke of Hesse and by Rhine.

Hesse is a region in Germany that is usually considered unimportant.

The wife of Luis was Princess Alice, the daughter of the English Queen and Empress of India, Victoria.

Alice married Luis IV about half a year after Prince Albert died, leaving Queen Victoria a widow. Alice was there for her beloved father´s death, and consoled her mother tirelessly, but that wasn´t enough for Queen Victoria.

Victoria cried the day of Alice´s wedding, stealing all of the attention from the bride, and forced her daughter to change back to black immediately after the ceremony.

Queen Victoria would then claim that Alice´s wedding was more similar to a funeral.

It is possible that the bleakness of the wedding created a curse on the Hessian family.

I often have unclear visions about all of Alice´s children, not of sight, more of hearing, of smell...there is tragedy awaiting all of them, or at least their descendants. There already has been. For all. Victoria, Elizabeth, Irene, Ernest, Friedrich, Alix, and Marie. Sometimes I see the vision of death itself on them as a whole. 

Alice was happy with her new marriage, but tried, for her widowed mother´s sake, not to write much about it in letters.

Alice was the most compassionate out of Queen Victoria´s children, and since she was a little girl, had dedicated herself to charity. 

Alice moved on to instill the same dedication in her children, as well as the virtues of living a humble lifestyle. The Hessian children were raised with strict Victorian morals.

Much to Queen Victoria´s dismay, Alice also breastfed her 7 children and was an incredibly involved parent. For that, Queen Victoria called her a cow.

Alice´s youngest son, Friedrich, was born with an illness that made him bleed for longer than any normal boy would whenever he was hurt. The disease ran throughout Queen Victoria´s family. One of the Queen´s sons, Leopold, also suffered from it.

Once, little Friedrich cut his ear and bled for three days. Later on, when he was two years old, Friedrich fell from a window while playing. He did not die immediately, but a hemorrhage soon formed in his brain. The little boy may have survived if it weren´t for the malady. And thus, the first tragedy shook the Hessian family, the first tragedy that shook Alix.

Born in 1872, Alix was a beautiful girl with fine features, a straight and thin nose, blue eyes, and long reddish-brown hair. As a little girl, she was cheerful and always laughing, forming dimples in her face whenever she smiled, and for that, she was called “sunny”. Because of her beauty, she was one of Queen Victoria´s favorite granddaughters.

  
Alix´s best friend was May, her younger sister. The two little girls were loving playmates. All of Alice´s daughters were, in fact, quite beautiful, so much so, that the four oldest would one day be known as “the four graces”.

The second tragedy was an epidemic of diphtheria. The entire family fell ill when Alix was only 6 years old. Alice nursed all of her children, as well as her husband, devotedly, but little May did not survive. Alice tried to keep this from the other children for as long as she could, but she eventually had to tell them. When Ernst became upset by the terrible news of his sister´s death, Alice kissed him. This may have been the kiss of death.

Alice had, until then, been without symptoms, but eventually fell ill as well. She succumbed to the illness quickly. Her grief over both Friedrich and Marie may have had something to do with it.

Alice died on the anniversary of her father´s death. Her last words were: "dear papa". 

Luis and the rest of his children recovered, but the deaths impacted Alix tremendously, even her old toys and belongings were destroyed for fear of infection.

Alix became a serious and sensitive girl. Her dear older siblings, especially Victoria, acted as surrogate parents at times, but they were also growing, so eventually, as time went on, she started to see them extraordinarily little, increasing her melancholy. She began to grow wary of strangers, becoming extremely shy and blushing for the simplest of reasons around them. Her main refuge was religious faith.

Queen Victoria tried to act as a surrogate mother for Alix and her siblings, supervising their education. Alix would send her grandmother proofs of her talents with embroidery. England would become Alix´s second home.

There, in the Osborne House, Alix would learn the story of her late grandfather, Prince Albert, and the love her grandmother Victoria had for him. There she would learn that the thing she wished for most in life was love, a place to call home, and a happy family.

Alix was taught that her grandmother Victoria was a constitutional monarch, which means she could influence the government, but she didn´t have any actual power.

Still, Alix´s had religious beliefs. She had her own feelings and opinions, which slowly developed as she grew older. The young Hessian princess came to the conclusion that God was the one who had set and anointed rulers on earth, which meant that democracy was just a tool for those who didn´t accept God´s will.

Despite the growth of her siblings, Alix still enjoyed the moments she spent with them, especially with Ernie, the closest in age. Louis loved his remaining children. Victoria, Ella, and Irene took care of 14-year-old Ernie and 12-year-old Alix as second mothers. Sadly for Ernie and Alix, Victoria soon became engaged to Prince Louis of Battenberg, while Ella became engaged to Grand Duke Sergei of Russia. The youngest members of the family would miss their sisters a lot.

Elizabeth, or "Ella", had long been considered the beauty of the family, and for this, Queen Victoria was very interested in her future marriage. One of Ella´s suitors had been Wilhelm, another grandson of Queen Victoria and the future German Emperor, but Ella had turned him down. Ella could have been the Empress of Germany, she could have had any position she wanted, but she really did like Sergei.

Grand Duke Sergei was the younger brother of Alexander III. Queen Victoria was not pleased, as she considered Russia an unstable nation. It did not help that Great Britain and Russia had been rivals for a long time.

Ella´s family did like Sergei. Alix was especially fond of him. Sergei would give the youngest of the Hesse sisters a lot of attention, teasing her mercilessly by telling her he wished he could marry her instead, as she was the real beauty of the family. Alix would drown with shyness and blush violently.

12-year-old Alix and her Hessian family traveled to Russia for the wedding of Sergei and Elizabeth. Little Alix was impressed with the vastness of the Russian lands, and by the beauty of St. Petersburg. The elegant, colorful, and extravagant palaces and mansions, some decorated with gold, had been designed by the greatest French and Italian architects. The ornamented gilded bridges were reflected in the water of the Neva River, and near the water, stood the gorgeous Winter Palace.

Alix was escorted by Cossacks in red coats, black boots, and fur hats. The Winter Palace was even more impressive at a short distance. All of this was new for Alix.

The court and palaces in Hesse were a lot less fancy, even Alix´s wardrobe was modest and relatively cheap in comparison to the dresses Russian court ladies wore.

The Hessians were warmly received by the Tsar and his family. It was during this trip that Alix´s blue eyes first met those of 16-year-old Nicholas, who seemed to be in awe of her beauty. This, quite understandably, made Alix blush and lower her gaze the first few times.

Many activities were arranged for the Hessian and Romanov children, and Alix came to enjoy the company of Nicholas´s siblings despite her shyness. Xenia, called "chicken" by the family, was nice to her. Michael, who was called "flopsy", was a mischievous child, and Olga, the little girl, was called "baby" by everyone, as it is custom in many families to call their youngest.

Thanks to the informal environment, Alix stopped feeling shy around Nicholas. They even started talking.

Alix looked sad the morning of the wedding, and even cried a bit. She confided to her brother Ernie that she would miss Ella a lot.

Elizabeth was a lovely bride. She dressed as elegantly and expensively as Romanov brides were expected to. According to the protocol, it was Minnie who placed the veil on her head.

Alix wore a white muslin dress with roses in her hair during the wedding ceremony. Nicholas, who was standing beside Sergei, looked at Alix most of the time, as if saying to her: "The next wedding is ours". Alix looked down once more and blushed, but she glanced back and smiled many times.

After the wedding, Alix was moved to see how much the Russian people cheered for the bride and groom as they drove between the crowds in a carriage back to the Winter Palace. She found the veneration they showed towards their Tsar endearing.

During a children´s ball organized for both the Romanovs and the Hessians, Alix danced the quadrille with Nicholas. She had to wear the same bridesmaid dress she wore to the wedding, as she didn´t have another one as elegant.

Despite her young age, Alix was almost as tall as Nicholas, which made them good dance partners. That night was a bit of an awkward mess though. Their deep stares had made both Nicholas and Alix a bit shy, despite having been comfortable before.

Once, Nicholas attempted to imply his feelings for Alix by nervously giving the girl a diamond-encrusted brooch as a gift near a window. At first, Alix received it and thanked him in an equally nervous tone. They talked in short sentences for a while and, in order to impress Alix, Nicholas took the brooch and carved a heart with an "N" and an "A" inside.

"I mean that", Nicholas said as he looked at what he had carved in the window. He then took Alix´s hand in his, giving her the brooch back in the process.

"I like you very much”, he continued, “more than any other girl".

Alix couldn´t deal with the embarrassment and anxiety those words made her feel. She burst into tears and ran away.

Poor little Nicholas was left extremely confused. He tried to comfort her, but she left extremely quickly.

Alix was just a 12-year-old girl and had never been in such a romantic situation.

Soon after this, Alix gave the brooch back to Nicholas, probably out of guilt or embarrassment for doing something considered improper for a good Victorian girl. Accepting such an expensive gift from a young man was out of the question.

Nicholas looked hurt and offended. He later gave the brooch to his sister Xenia.

Despite the heartbreak and confusion, Nicholas was enchanted to have met the beautiful young princess. He found her shyness and inability to hide her childish affection for him endearing. Alix had liked the politeness and gentleness of the Russian heir.

Oo

As aristocratic young men did at that time, Nicholas entered military service. He learned discipline, responsibility, and the basics of life as a soldier, which included living in a camp and learning how to shoot, among other things. He got to wear many beautiful, traditional uniforms.

Cossacks, for example, wear long red jackets, ceremonial daggers, and black fur hats. The Hussar uniform, on the other hand, consists of blue tights, high black boots, a long black hat, and a jacket with several golden braids across the chest.

Nicholas loved everything that had to do with the military. The friendships, the uniforms, the parades, the symbolism of being willing to die for your country.

Being awarded the rank of Coronel by his father was something Nicholas valued more than being the heir. Nicholas never actually saw combat though, Alexander III was able to maintain peace during his entire reign.

Alix had returned to Germany. Now with her two oldest sisters gone, Alix was probably beginning to feel lonelier and miss her mother and little sister more than ever. She still had Ernie and Irene though.

Oo

It was in 1887 that a man called Alexander Ulyanov tried to murder Tsar Alexander III, and in consequence, the young man was executed.

Alexander Ulyanov was Lenin´s older brother, and after his death, Lenin swore that “they” would pay for it.

Alexander III made no exceptions, to maintain the peace he needed to keep his promise that no threat to the autocracy would go unchallenged.

In 1888, Alexander III and his family were traveling to St. Petersburg when the train derailed due to excessive speed. Twenty-two people were killed instantly, two more died from wounds. Alexander and his family were eating dinner in a compartment when it happened. Alexander held the collapsed roof of the car on his shoulders while his family escaped.

Nicholas had witnessed it all with awe. The young man admired his father and everything he stood for, maybe too much. The thought of succeeding that tall, strong, and powerful man one day must have been overwhelming. He had carried that roof the way he carried the empire. This impressive act of strength would, however, cause the Tsar health problems in the future.

Meanwhile, Alix had been blessed with the opportunity to spend more time with her beloved brother Ernst, as they were being educated together. Ernst, unlike her, had a very cheerful personality and sense of humor that brightened Alix's days, still slightly clouded by the deaths of her mother and sister. Irene was now the sister in charge of taking care of Alix and Ernst. She also accompanied her father on official ceremonies.

Alix was growing more and more beautiful. She was taller, her cheekbones were becoming higher, and her wavy red-gold hair has so long that she could sit on it. The Hessians visited Queen Victoria with her siblings quite often.

When Alix turned 16, she was allowed, for the first time, to wear long dresses and put her hair up. Her coming-out ball was relatively modest, but she wore a lovely and puffy white gown with orange blossoms. Ella and Sergei came from Russia to attend. The couple had been married four years but unfortunately, had no children. Victoria and Louis, on the other hand, had children already.

Eventually, the day came when Irene received a marriage proposal from Heinrich, a Prince of Prussia, and Wilhelm's younger brother. She accepted. Alix was a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding. The youngest Hessian sister was so beautiful that it can sadly be said she accidentally stole most of the attention from the bride, something that must have been extremely embarrassing for the socially awkward Alix.

While Alix was visiting her grandmother in England, news came that the German Emperor had passed, and that Prince Wilhelm had succeeded him. Queen Victoria left for the coronation, and during that time, Alix bonded with her English cousins: Albert, George, Louise, Victoria, and Maud. They were the children of Prince Edward, Queen Victoria's oldest son. Prince Edward's wife, Alexandra, was Minnie's sister as well, so they were also Nicholas's cousins.

George and Nicholas looked so similar that they were often confused or mistaken for twins, they were also good friends, and had seen each other several times during family visits. Sometimes they switched places on purpose, and many people fell for the trick, which amused them both immensely.

When Queen Victoria returned from the coronation, she talked with Alix and suggested her to marry Albert, the heir after Prince Edward, called "Eddy" in the family. Eddy was a very awkward boy, who giggled easily. He liked Alix, but she didn't like Eddy, not in a romantic way at least.

Alix refused the offer as politely as she could, but had to explicitly reject it several times, as she was being pressured by the English Royal family. They acted as if the marriage were already set in stone. One time, Alix stated she would marry Eddy if she was forced, but that she would not be happy.

Despite feeling sad about the rejection of her grandson, Queen Victoria came to admire her granddaughter's strong will. Everyone was confused as to why Alix would refuse to become the next Queen of England though. 

The sad thing is Alix would probably not have become queen either way. Prince Albert died from influenza years later. It is his younger brother George, Nicholas´s almost-twin, who would eventually become King of England after the death of his father Edward, Queen Victoria´s eldest son.

Oo

Five years had passed since Nicholas met Alix. They saw each other again when the 17-year-old girl was invited by her sister Ella to visit Russia during the winter of 1889. Ernie and Luis came along.

For the aristocracy, winter was the season during which most of the balls took place. They liked to hide in their palaces, to hide from the horror the winter means for us common people. Winter is the time of the year we know is always coming, the time we prepare tirelessly for. Hoarding grain, saving money, sleeping tightly together to protect each other from the cold. Praying this winter won´t last too long, praying this is not the last winter. Praying for spring to come.

Alix was now as tall as Nicholas, and more beautiful than ever. She stayed at Ella and Sergei´s palace. Nicholas and Alix met at balls, receptions, and dinners. They ice skated with Elizabeth and had a lot of fun together.

Nicholas nervously made it known to Alix that he found her much prettier. He also looked really handsome in my opinion. Despite being short, he was one of the most beautiful men in his family, with his dark brown hair, big blue eyes with an original shape, and growing reddish facial hair.

Nicholas and Alix sled down an ice hill with Ernie, Xenia, and little Olga several times. Nicholas ended up sprawled on top of Alix at the bottom of the hill, embarrassing the Hessian princess greatly, as I could see by her blushing.

Nicholas stood up amusingly quickly when this happened, and helped Alix stand up as well. Their hands touched for longer than necessary.

They talked, as they had grown comfortable enough to do so quite often. Nicholas was one of the few people Alix could talk to without feeling scared. Alix was nice and simple, Nicholas liked that. He was also simple, despite the role he was born to play. They would eventually tell each other their deepest feelings and secrets. 

They danced, despite Alix generally disliking it because of the pain she would feel in her legs. Her sciatica could spoil the fun whenever she engaged in physical activities. She still tried to enjoy life as much as she could though, and so she danced. She wasn't good at it, but she danced, wearing the same dress she had used at her coming-out ball.

Nicholas and Alix didn't stop looking at each other's eyes as they did. They both felt the same way. 

I only get small glimpses of Nicky and Alix during that trip, I can only imagine how easy it was for their relatives, living with them, seeing them every day, to understand that they were in love with each other.

It was then that Nicholas fell madly in love with Alix, and became sure he wished to marry her.

Alix was now a very devout Lutheran however, and to marry the heir to the Russian throne she would have to become a Russian Orthodox. Alix did not consider religious faith lightly. She took everything in life seriously and it was extremely important to her that whatever she believed was the truth. Alix made this clear to Nicholas. She could not marry him. Alix did, however, agree to exchange letters.

Nicholas admired how seriously Alix took her faith, even if sadly, her religious faith was standing in their way now.

Alexander and Minnie discouraged Nicholas from pursuing Alix. The Tsar wanted his son to marry the daughter of the French pretender to the throne, Helena, and also gave Nicholas other options that had more political significance than a simple princess from a small, unimportant Duchy in the much-hated Germany of all places. Alix had also made a bad impression with her visit. Her shyness, clumsiness, and seriousness were noted by most ladies at court. 

“Too stiff”, the ladies would say.

“Too wooden.”

“Cold eyes.”

“Badly dressed.”

"I know! So cheap, right?"

“Can’t speak French.”

“Can’t speak Russian.”

“Strange, jerky motions when she bows her head.”

"Can´t keep up a conversation."

"She is rude."

“There’s something wrong with her legs.”

"She is so clumsy."

"Her moves are not elegant."

“There’s something wrong with her face.”

"There is something wrong with her."

The Empress herself, knowing how important popularity was, didn´t like the idea of Alix becoming her daughter-in-law, but Nicholas wasn´t interested in any of the other girls his father suggested. He once claimed he would become a monk before marrying any of them.

Nicholas was disappointed by how unlikely it was for him to marry Alix, and yet he became distracted upon meeting 17-year-old Mathilde Kschessinska, a beautiful ballerina with dark curls. Nicholas and Mathilde shared the same love for ballet as an art form, and soon they became good friends.

Oo

Nicholas traveled with his brother George to many places throughout the Mediterranean, the Suez Canal, India, and Japan. The Emperor and Empress hoped this trip would teach Nicholas about diplomacy, and that it would improve George´s lungs, for he was starting to become extremely sick.

George was the funniest sibling and Nicholas´s best friend. Every time George cracked a joke, Nicholas carefully wrote it down. He would keep the jokes safe in his study, and continued to laugh out loud while reading them even years later as the Emperor. Minnie had a soft spot for George, and she would let him get away with lots of mischievous deeds. It is sad to know he never got to meet his niece Anastasia.

During his stay in Japan, Nicholas took great interest in Japanese traditional crafts. He got a big black dragon tattoo on his right forearm, and a scar on his forehead.

Nicholas was attacked by one of his escorting policemen, Tsuda Sanzo, with a sword. Fortunately, the heir turned around just in time and the first blow only grazed his forehead. Tsuda tried to hit Nicholas again, but the Tsesarevich´s cousin, Prince George of Greece and Denmark, the son of Minnie´s brother, used his cane to stop the second blow. Tsuda tried to flee, but he was caught and arrested. The Japanese apologized for the incident, and the Russian government was pleased. Nicholas did not want any Japanese policemen to be in trouble for the lack of security, but this experience would scare him enough to alter his impression of the country.

When Nicholas returned home, he was met with terrible news. A recent drought had caused a famine that was spreading throughout the countryside. Peasants used their roofs to feed their animals. Men had to find work in the cities. Thousands starved to death.

Many blamed the government. Praised writer Leo Tolstoy went as far as blaming the Tsar and the church. In response, the church excommunicated Leo, a decision I consider appropriate, because Leo liked to say horrible things about the church, but the church also recommended the faithful to stop accepting help from the organization Tolstoy generously created to help the famine victims, which I find appalling. I may not be a church scholar, but it seems unchristian to deprive people in such need of charity.

My husband Andrei, who has less love and nostalgia for the old regime than I do, says the government was indeed to blame, and he explained to me why.

To support industrialization, taxes had been too high, forcing the peasants to sell more grain than they could keep. When there was no grain left, animals were taken. Conscripting peasants into the army also damaged their food production. Russia´s primitive railways were not ready to distribute grain when the famine arrived either, but the worst thing the government did was to continue exporting grain for a long time in order to avoid economic losses.

I respect his opinion. He knows way more about these things than I do, and despite being able to see things, he is more likely to understand them. Andrei also knows several older physicians who worked in the most affected villages during the famine and gave their opinion about the situation.

Andrei knows lots of things, but he is not someone with strong political opinions at all. His job as a doctor makes him too busy for such matters. My husband says it is more important for people to love and take care for each other, because governments will fail more often than not, but neighbors will always find a way to help.

The government asked the people to form voluntary relief organizations to help the victims. The Tsar and Tsarina raised millions of rubles themselves, and so did Grand Duchess Elizabeth, the wife of Sergei.

Elizabeth was similar to Minnie in terms of enjoying parties and being social butterflies. She also liked putting up plays and acted with Nicholas in some of them, but knew how to be charitable when the times turned dire. Sergei and Ella loved each other. Sergei was a very smart and well-educated man, but also extremely rigid. According to a rumor, he forbade his wife from reading Tolstoy´s Anna Karenina, because the protagonist cheats on her husband.

Foreign powers also assisted with donations, the United States and England were among them.

Because of the terrible circumstances, Alexander III was forced to give a certain degree of power to the Zemstvos, or local governments, so that they could buy food, but that only helped the peasants who could repay loans, and thus the less needy. The ones who could not afford to repay had to rely on donations.

I had not been born when that famine took place, and my brother was a newborn, but my parents and grandparents remember. I lost most of my cousins.

My family was lucky enough to be able to repay a loan, and their area was not affected as badly as many others. They told me many things about those horrible years.

Wealthy people would come to offer my parents, relatives, and neighbors money, but the tax collectors took most of it away. Whenever there were protests, Cossack patrols would come into the village and threaten people with their whips and sabers. Troublemakers were flogged, my uncle among them. His body was too weak from malnutrition and he died from his wounds.

All of my family and their neighbors cursed the people who were cruel to them. No one cursed the Tsar though. The Tsar was their little father, and he did not know what they had to suffer. If the Tsar knew he would have fixed everything, he would have helped everyone and punished those people, but it is too high up to God and too far to the Tsar, so all they could do was endure.

Even during my youth, during Nicholas´s reign, when things were a lot better for the peasants or at least for my neighbors and relatives, I heard many of my neighbors curse the police, the governors, the landowners that had so much while most of us had so little. They cursed those who abused their power. Things were still hard for us. Never did I ever hear anyone curse the Tsar, and neither did I. It is not the Tsar´s fault but that of his advisors.

My husband says it is silly to think so, he says I give him too much credit, but I know it is true. Unlike most peasants, I could listen to the Tsar talk, but he could not listen to me. He knew to a certain extent what was happening to his subjects, but he did not see, experience, or hear, or smell. None of the Tsars did, none of them were like me.

  
Tsesarevich Nicholas headed the relief committee during the famine, and later was made to become a member of the finance committee. Nicholas worked hard in both committees, but he had not been aware that the finance committee even existed before he became a part of it. These administrative affairs he knew so little about would become extremely important once he was the Tsar, but Nicholas thought there was still time.

Most days, Nicholas was not required to do anything. He went to meetings of the Imperial Council, but was bored more often than not.

Nicholas preferred to spend his evenings ice skating with his sister Xenia and his aunt Ella. He preferred to spend time with his siblings and relatives. He liked to go to the theater, to the opera, to the ballet… his beard grew, and Nicholas was an adult in his early twenties now, but he preferred to do anything except for things that had to do with his future role.

His romance with Mathilda had now transformed into a full affair, he even bought her a house where they could meet and be together. Nicholas really liked Mathilda, at one point he felt he was in love with both her and Alix, but there was only one woman he wished to marry.

Poor Mathilda´s feelings for Nicholas were a lot deeper than his feelings were for her, but she knew the situation was hopeless. He was the heir and she was only a commoner. Mathilda enjoyed the time she had left with Nicholas and prepared herself for the moment they could no longer be together.

In the meantime, Alix spent her days taking care of his father and assisting him in the ceremonies of the German court. All of her older sisters were married so she was the only one who could do it. In her free time, she prayed, wrote letters, read, played the piano, prepared entertainments for her father and brother, and embroidered excellently.

Alix had visited Ella and Sergei once more in their Ilyinskoe estate, located near Moscow. She had learned a lot more about Russia and become interested in the lives of peasants, but had not been able to meet with Nicholas.

Alix suffered a lot when her father died in 1892. The love she had for him made it a lot more difficult for her to even consider changing the religion she had been taught by her father. Alix promised Luis before he died that she would remain a Lutheran.

Oo

Alix spent a lot of time with Queen Victoria after her father´s death. Her grandmother comforted Alix and helped her mourn. Alix was feeling as if her entire world was ending, so Queen Victoria would remind her that she had lost her husband Albert, which was, she said, a loss greater than that of a parent.

While visiting England, Alix spent time with some of her cousins of a similar age: Victoria Melita, or "Ducky", as she was called in the family, and Marie. Ducky and Marie were the two oldest daughters of Grand Duchess Maria, the only surviving daughter of Alexander II, and Prince Alfred, the fourth child of Queen Victoria. Marie would eventually become the Queen of Romania, but Ducky was destined to become Ernie´s first wife.

Ducky was never in love with Ernie, because she was infatuated with her cousin, the Grand Duke Cyril, who was the son of Grand Duke Vladimir. Fate would separate them for years before they could be together.

Queen Victoria suggested Alix some other marriage candidates, but Alix rejected all of her suitors. She only wanted to marry for love, and the only one she loved she could not marry. She would not change her religion.

Queen Victoria did not like the idea of Alix marrying in Russia. She considered the country far too unstable and dangerous for her favorite granddaughter, so she wrote letters to Alix´s siblings, Victoria and Ernst, asking them to make sure Alix never married the Russian heir.

Unfortunately for Queen Victoria, Elizabeth was now working against her plans. She had seen firsthand the love Nicholas and Alix had for each other, so she tried to convince Alix to open her heart. She even told Alix that she was ruining Nicholas´s life by giving him false hopes.

Nicholas was indeed suffering very much. There was no one else he wanted to marry, and whenever he lost hope to be with Alix, the future seemed gray for him. He was always respectful and deeply understanding of Alix´s dilemma though, and never made light of it. In his letters to her, he expressed his wishes for someone to teach her how complex Orthodoxy was, so she could see that there were some similarities to Lutheranism.

Elizabeth did try to explain to Alix the Orthodox way of worship, but her insistence was starting to bother Alix. Alix thought it was cruel that her sister continued to push her to do something that went against her conscience. Elizabeth could only pray her sister would find happiness.

It was, however, not only Elizabeth who was pushing Alix to get closer to Nicholas. His baby sister Xenia also did. "Why don´t you write to Nicky?" The young girl would innocently ask Alix, who was caught up in a dilemma.

Oo

Alix continued to help her brother Ernie, now the Grand Duke of Hesse, with official ceremonies. She only feared the day her brother would marry, and she would no longer be needed. What would become of her? What purpose would her life have? She didn´t love anyone but Nicholas.

In 1894, Alix´s fears came true when Ernie married his cousin Victoria Melita. Nicholas and Alix met again at the wedding, during which Nicholas asked Alix to marry him. After hours of begging, Alix could only cry and say “no, I cannot”. The next morning, Nicholas gave Alix a letter from his mother Minnie, and her words did something that moved Alix, who went to get advice from Michen, the wife of Vladimir, Nicholas´s uncle, and the mother of Cyril. Michen was also a protestant, but she had married an Orthodox man, so she had been in the same situation. The German Emperor, Wilhelm, also tried to talk to Alix.

Most of their family members were trying to get them to marry.

Nicholas was talking with Wilhelm, his uncles, and his aunt Elizabeth when Alix entered the room. Nicholas was left alone with her, and the first thing Alix did was say yes.

Nicholas started crying, and so did Alix. Allowing herself to finally accept the man she loved transformed the Hessian princess immensely. She became cheerful, more affectionate, and started to talk and laugh more. Nicholas and Alix were grateful towards God, and looked genuinely happy for the first time in years. Queen Victoria also had married the late Prince Albert for love, so she quickly warmed up to the new match when she saw how happy her granddaughter was.

As soon as he became engaged, Nicholas completely broke up his relationship with Mathilda. They were never alone together again. Mathilda would continue to have great success as a dancer, and became involved with other Romanov Grand Dukes. She even had a child with one of them.

Alix traveled to England to spend time with her grandmother, and started receiving lessons in Russian. Sadly, Alix´s health was starting to deteriorate. She had sciatic pain and occasional headaches that would never go away, only increase with age. Her feet would also ache.

Nicholas visited Alix in England, where they spent time with Alix´s sister Victoria and her husband. They were allowed to walk together unchaperoned. It was sweet to watch Nicholas walking in the garden next to Alix, and rubbing her feet with such tenderness every time she was in pain.

A bishop arrived from Russia as well to give Alix lessons in Russian Orthodoxy. She did not make it easy for the poor man, as she liked to ask a lot of questions and wanted to be completely sure about the truth.

Alix ended up accepting Orthodoxy with all of her heart, and even became more devoted to her new religion than most people who are born and raised believing in it are.

  
The only thing Alix refused to do was renounce her previous Lutheran faith as heretical, as she was required to do. She came to an agreement with the bishop, who understood it was too cruel to expect her to do that.

In 1894, Nicholas´s sister Xenia married her cousin, the Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovich, a descendant of Tsar Nicholas I and a good friend of Nicholas. The honeymoon of the newlyweds was interrupted by news that the Tsar was sick.

Alix had to travel to Russia earlier than she anticipated. Her future father-in-law had fallen dangerously ill from kidney disease.

Oo

Alexander III was staying in his palace at Crimea, for it was believed the climate was good for his health.

When Alix arrived, Nicholas felt a bit better. He had been under a lot of stress and uncertainty. He was devastated by his father´s illness and only Alix´s presence comforted him.

Alix was indignant though. The doctors didn´t take Nicholas seriously. They gave all new information concerning the condition of the Emperor to the other Grand Dukes. It was like they didn´t respect her future husband, who would be Tsar if Alexander were to die. Alix encouraged Nicholas to make the doctors tell him everything first. She reminded him of how important he was.

Alexander III died in November 1894. Minnie was heartbroken. She hoped they would both die at a similar age. It was incredibly shocking for Nicholas as well. His strong and imposing father was only 49 years old.

Nicholas took his new brother-in-law, Alexander, to his room, where they embraced and cried together.

“Sandro, what am I going to do?” Nicholas exclaimed to his cousin with tears in his eyes. “What is going to happen to me, to you, to Xenia, to Alix, to mother, to all of Russia? I am not prepared to be a Tsar. I never wanted to become one. I know nothing of the business of ruling. I have no idea of even how to talk to the ministers.”

Despite Nicholas´s doubts, the world didn´t stop turning or wait for him to become prepared. Everyone gave the oath of allegiance to His Imperial Majesty, Tsar Nicholas II.

Alix became officially Orthodox, and as Nicholas´s first Imperial Decree, she was now known as Alexandra Feodorovna. The name “Alexandra” means “helper”, or “defender”, but it can also mean: "the one who comes to save warriors". Alexandra wanted to be named Catherine at first, but was convinced otherwise. As always, she took the choosing of her name very seriously and consulted God before accepting it.

Nicholas wanted to get married in Livadia privately, but his uncles were against the idea. The wedding was way too important. The four brothers of the late Tsar were able to exert a great degree of influence over their nephew, and they would for a long time before Nicholas started to become more confident in his abilities.

The Orthodox ceremonies went on in Livadia. The family kissed the Tsar in his coffin and prayed for his soul. The coffin left Livadia for Sevastopol and then for Moscow, where it remained in the Kremlin for a night.

In St. Petersburg, the coffin traveled slowly, along with the funeral cortege, in red and gold carriages towards the Cathedral of the Fortress of Peter and Paul, where the Tsars are buried. Alexandra Feodorovna rode alone, thickly veiled in black behind the rest of her new family.

People´s reaction to Alexandra was cold, nothing like the way they had received Minnie decades ago. The timing could not be worse. As Alexandra passed, the silent crowd watched, and many shook their heads. Old superstitious women crossed themselves.

“She has come to us behind a coffin”, they murmured disapprovingly as they looked at their future Empress. "There she is. There goes the funeral bride".

Many Kings and princes from all over Europe came to the funeral, as well as ministers from the Empire. One of the visitors was Prince George of England, Nicholas´s cousin.

Nicholas had to endure ceremony after ceremony while grieving.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra got married on November 26, or 14, according to the old calendar. Nicholas chose her mother´s birthday as the day for the celebration. The official mourning period had not ended yet, but it would be more relaxed on Minnie´s birthday.

Alexandra wore a traditional Russian court wedding dress with a big skirt. The dress was white, with silver decorations mostly around her bare shoulders, outlining the shape of her torso, and dividing the dress in the middle. Long open sleeves decorated her arms, and Minnie herself carefully settled a giant diamond crown on Alexandra´s reddish-brown head. The diamond crown had belonged to Catherine the Great. A beautiful transparent and sparkling veil fell down Alexandra´s head, and a golden coat with white fur around it covered her back as well. Across her body, she wore the star and sash of the Order of St. Andrei. Alexandra could not have looked more beautiful, maybe this was the most beautiful she ever looked. Nicholas was dressed in an elegant Hussar uniform.

The wedding was at the Grand Church of the Winter Palace. She was 22, and he was 26.

Because of the mourning, there was no reception or honeymoon, but they did not need it. The rest of their marriage was their honeymoon.

I am watching Nicholas and Alexandra right now. They are about to die together, and they still glance at one another like that 16-year-old boy and shy 12-year-old girl who met at a wedding. My mother used to tell me few married couples continue to love each other until death parts them.

I do not know whether I will love my husband until one of us dies, but so far, I do.

Oo

None of the women in the village wanted me to marry any of their sons. I was still considered a witch despite being friends with the priest, and the people who were not closely related to me preferred to keep their distance. The boys always gave me strange looks. Anna´s parents allowing her to be friends with me were an exception to the rule.

Most of the other girls were already married by 14 to slightly older boys who were around 16, before the latter were able to be called for military service. I did not marry until I was 18.

I met my husband in 1910, when I was 16 and he was 20. He studied medicine in Moscow, and my village happens to be located extremely close to the city.

My sisters and I used to travel to Moscow in a cart once every two weeks to sell our embroidered dresses, Kosovorotka shirts, and other pieces my mother and us made with our own hands. We also sold flowers we collected in the countryside or even grew ourselves. These extra earnings were especially useful for the years with bad harvests.

We often sold near the Imperial Moscow University, because we realized the students and professors there were reliable customers, especially when it came to the flowers. Young men in love always wanted to buy them for their sweethearts, sometimes they were friendly and told us about it, and the next time they saw us they talked about whether they had been successful wooing the girls they liked. I loved going to Moscow, but these stories made me sad whenever I remembered no one liked me the same way.

Unlike the other students, who only bought things and then left, Andrei would stare at me from the distance for a long time without buying anything. The first time I thought it was weird, but didn’t say anything. I thought maybe he wanted to buy something but didn’t have any money.

We saw Andrei doing the same thing the next time we visited the University, so my younger sister Evgenia, 14 years old at that time, yelled at him to either buy something or leave. She also called him stupid. Evgenia is a little bit too bold sometimes. I scolded her and told her she was being rude, but Andrei approached us and bought some flowers. I gave them to him myself with a sad look. I knew he probably liked someone.

I thought Andrei was very handsome. I obviously still do. He has beautiful blue eyes and dark brown hair, full lips, and a small mole on his cheek, near his nose.

The next time we visited Moscow I dragged my sisters back to the University, even though we usually went to different places every time we traveled to the city. Not anymore. Since I was the oldest I got to decide where we went. Evgenia complained and said she knew that I wanted to marry a student because they had more money. That is why I prefer Katya, my youngest sister, a pure angel compared to Evgenia.

To my great surprise, Andrei approached us again and bought even more flowers, but this time he asked us where the flowers came from. I explained to him with great enthusiasm that most of them naturally grew near our village. He left and gave me a smile that I returned, but it made me sad to know he loved that girl so much that he bought flowers for her every time he could.

We met again and again at the same spot. He already knew when I would visit the city, and he always bought flowers for the girl he liked. I could have had visions about this girl, but I would have felt madly jealous, so I tried to avoid having visions of Andrei as much as I could. With time our conversations moved on to different topics. He asked me about my life in the village, and I became enchanted by all he told me about his future profession. What he was learning at medical school was incredibly fascinating. He wanted to become a surgeon, and the fact that he was studying to help people made me like him even more.

In 1911, Andrei talked to me about a conflict in the university that had started because of a banned meeting to commemorate Leo Tolstoy, who had recently died. Some students had started a strike and the police had been involved.

Andrei and his friends did not take any sides, not because they did not sympathize with their fellow students, but because they didn’t want any trouble and just wanted to get back to class. Apparently, lots of professors and scientists resigned at the end of the crisis, which really upset Andrei. He admired many of them, poor dear. I was glad he decided to tell me about these things, in fact, I was mesmerized by anything he told me about.

One day, instead of buying flowers, Andrei asked me if I wanted to go with him to a cinema. I had heard of those before, but I had never visited one, I really wanted to know what they were like. I had to take care of my sisters though, and I also had to sell as much as I could, so I explained to him the situation. He was so kind and understanding! I think I fell in love that day. He gave me money to make up for the time I would not be working and invited my sisters to come along. They were both so excited! I felt a bit guilty for his other girl though, but assumed they had simply fought.

From that day on our friendship grew, and we learned lots of things about each other.

One day he asked whether we could meet alone, and for the first time in my life, I willfully and knowingly disobeyed my parents.

I traveled to Moscow on my own when I should have been working. That day he asked me if I could remove my headscarf, because he wanted to see my hair. I exposed my blonde hair, and he told me it was more beautiful than he imagined it would be. When he tried to kiss me, I told him that first, he would have to marry me, otherwise, I knew from experience that my family would have been truly angry at both of us. Mostly at me.

We did get married, 6 months later, a month before I turned 19.

  
Andrei calls himself a “modern and skeptic 20th century man”, so he did not believe in my visions the first time I talked to him about them. He became extremely worried about my mental condition, which was both painful and amusing at the same time. I had my ways of showing him I was perfectly sane, and that my visions were absolutely real. For the first time in my life, someone reacted with awe and excitement, instead of fear or embarrassment.

Andrei said he wished someone could open up my brain when I died, which was scary to hear come from his mouth the first time, but understandable once I started to study nursing so I could work near him. I really do want someone to study my brain when I die. Maybe there is indeed something different about it.

Andrei also loves history, so he was completely supportive of my idea of learning French to understand the visions I had that took place at court. He paid a French tutor for me when he finished school and started working.

I eventually learned English, and a little bit of German as well. Finally, I had someone other than Gerasim to share most of my passions with. I find his interest in learning the cause of everything so endearing, and even more so when I am the object of his interest.

After I married Andrei, my visions became less common and more controllable. I had found happiness in my own life and felt important, cherished. I could have control over my ability because now I was more than just the weird things I saw. That is probably the way the last Emperor felt throughout his entire marriage. Even when the world was clearly crumbling down around him, he was invincible as long as Alexandra, or his dear “wify”, as he called her, was near him.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra lived with Minnie during their first months of marriage, and the three of them got along well. Nicholas started to get used to the huge amount of work he had to do while Alexandra worked on her Russian and French, the court language.

When the mourning period was over, Minnie went back to public life, something that had always made her feel comfortable. According to Russian court etiquette, the Dowager Empress always took precedence, so Minnie walked escorted by her son in all ceremonies, while Alexandra walked behind escorted by a Grand Duke.

Alexandra began to feel offended about this, and the way Nicholas was still treated like a schoolboy by his mother, who gave her son lots of political advice, also annoyed her. Alexandra´s relationship with her mother-in-law started to become a bit tense. They started arguing often, calling each other “dear Alix” and “Mother dear” with tones of voice that clearly expressed condescension.

Some problems exist wherever you go. Me and my mother-in-law did not get along at the beginning either.

Andrei´s mother thought I was too stupid to marry her son. She never said so to my face, but I noticed, because she barely tried to talk to me.

Reluctantly, Andrei explained to me why his mother did not like me after I threatened to use my ability. Natalia would have preferred for her son to marry an educated girl from another middle-class family. She thought I only wanted Andrei´s money.

Natalia only warmed up to me when she found out I wanted to become a nurse, but her initial reaction still stings. What is so wrong with being a simple person? What is so wrong about not wanting to learn anything? Andrei liked me even before he found out I knew how to read, so it is sad to know that is not the case with his mother, and even more so the fact that she probably thinks little of my family for not being like me.

Us peasants do not take these displays of snobbery too kindly. Urban people may have more knowledge, but without simple-minded people like my family to feed them, that precious knowledge of theirs would be completely useless.

Oo

The awkwardness between Alexandra and the former Empress reached its peak when Minnie, who had a passion for jewelry, refused to pass down the crown jewels to Alexandra, as was tradition to do, even after Nicholas asked her to do so. Alexandra was so offended that she exclaimed she no longer cared about jewelry and would not wear any. Minnie, not wanting to cause a scandal, gave her the jewels reluctantly.

Alexandra was happy the first days of marriage, but also worried and even scared about her husband´s youth and inexperience.

In the spring of 1895, Alexandra found out she was pregnant. Her morning sickness was an obvious sign. The Tsar and Tsarina were ecstatic. The baby kicked her mother a lot, showing clear signs she would have an extraordinarily strong personality.

The pregnancy itself was very hard on the mother, who suffered from sciatica.

In November 1895, Alexandra went into labor. Artillerymen in St. Petersburg prepared themselves. The sound of 300 cannons would announce the birth of a male heir, 101 would welcome a Grand Duchess into the world.

Alexandra´s labor lasted 20 hours. Her mother-in-law Minnie and sister Ella were there with her, as well as Nicholas.

Hearing his wife´s cries of pain, the Emperor was frequently suffering in tears, while his mother the Dowager Empress prayed for the baby´s safe delivery. It took forceps and chloroform to deliver the child.

The Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna Romanova was born on the 3rd of November, or the 15th of November according to the new calendar. Nicholas could barely believe that baby was really his daughter. They called her Olga during prayer, which means “holy” or “blessed”.

Olga was a huge baby, with an enormous head filled with light blonde hair that probably held all of her intelligence. She did not look like a newborn at all.

Months before, Alexander and Xenia had welcomed a baby girl named Irina into the world, and Alexandra´s brother had a baby daughter named Elizabeth, who was about a year older than Olga.

Nicholas and Alexandra were overjoyed about having a baby girl as well. They had plenty of time for a boy.

“I am glad that our child is a girl”, Nicholas said. “Had it been a boy, he would have belonged to the people, being a girl, she belongs to us.”

Nicholas and Alexandra generously rewarded the skills of the doctors who delivered their daughter. Alexandra nursed and bathed Olga herself like her mother Alice had done before her, although they did hire a wet nurse for backup. Baby Olga rejected Alexandra at first, and Alexandra ended up nursing the wet nurse´s baby while the wet nurse fed Olga. Nicholas was immensely amused.

Eventually, Alexandra succeeded as a nursing mother. She sang her baby to sleep with lullabies, and when Olga slept, she knitted for her. Nicholas helped with everything he could whenever he was not too busy. The newlyweds were immensely proud of their big baby. As part of the celebration, Nicholas pardoned many political prisoners.

Baby Olga was christened wearing his father’s white robes once the official mourning period for Alexander III had ended. Following Orthodox tradition, Nicholas and Alexandra did not attend the ceremony. The baby was dipped in holy water three times and then anointed with oil. One of the baby´s godmothers was her teenage aunt Olga, Nicholas´s youngest sister. Other godmothers and godfathers included Queen Victoria, Ernie, and Minnie.

After the ceremony was over, Nicholas invested his daughter with the Order of St. Catherine, which was an award given to all Grand Duchesses upon their christening. Grand Dukes were awarded the Order of St. Andrew.

Oo

In 1896, Nicholas and Alexandra were crowned in Moscow, as it was tradition to do. Many foreign princes assisted the event, George of England and Wilhelm, the German Emperor, among them. When Nicholas and Alexandra arrived, they went into retreat to fast and pray in the Petrovsky Palace to contemplate the difficult future task at hand.

On May 25th, Nicholas formally entered the city, which was filled with people longing to see him. My family was there, they could not miss it. I was only two, so I do not remember.

The procession of imperial guards riding in the streets with their beautiful uniforms and golden helmets, Cossacks wearing long red coats, the nobility, and the orchestra provided lots of entertainment for the people until the Tsar arrived behind, signaled by the officials coming in their gold-embroidered uniforms.

Nicholas rode alone on a white horse. He used his left hand to rein the horse and his right hand to salute. From his horse, he didn´t look short at all. He looked gallant, magnificent. Behind Nicholas came the Grand Dukes and foreign princes, and then came two carriages that carried Maria and Alexandra, the two empresses. Alexandra was dressed in a beautiful gown, as always on important events. This one was white, with sewn jewels. They followed the Tsar into the Kremlin.

The morning of the 26th of May, the coronation took place in the Ouspensky Cathedral, where two coronation chairs awaited the Tsar and Tsarina. Nicholas sat on the chair that once belonged to Alexis I. It was encrusted with gems and pearls. Alexandra sat on a throne that had been brought to Russia from the Byzantine Eastern Roman Empire, before the Romanov dynasty even ruled Russia. Nicholas wore a heavy chain, the Order of St. Andrew.

The coronation ceremony lasted five hours. After a long mass Alexandra knelt while the Metropolitan prayed for the Tsar. While everyone remained standing, Nicholas dropped to his knees to pray for Russia and the people. He was anointed with Holy Oil by the priest, but it was meant to represent he was anointed by God.

Nicholas took communion, for the only time in his life, as a priest would, symbolizing his spiritual equality among Russia’s senior bishops and metropolitans. Only for this day, the monarch was regarded by the Church as a mixed person, part-priest, and part-layman. He communed directly of the Body and Blood using his hands to take the bread and the chalice. This to signify that his duty as a Tsar would require the same constant spiritual struggle as the sacrament of priesthood.

It would. What position could have put more at stake?

During the ceremony, the chain of the Order of St. Andrew slipped from Nicholas´s shoulders. Gasps were heard. Those who saw it were asked to keep it a secret, to prevent superstitious people from considering it a bad omen.

Nicholas and Alexandra were covered in big golden robes with white fur around them. There were lots of people from the nobility inside the cathedral, but even more outside witnessing the event, all dressed up in their best clothes or uniforms.

Nicholas wanted to use the Monomakh cap worn by Michael I for the coronation because it was attached to Russia´s historical past and was a lot lighter, but he was advised against it.

The crown Nicholas used had been the same in all coronations since the reign of Catherine II. It consists of a red velvet cap, with its sides and center covered with thousands of diamonds. Each of the two sides has its edges outlined with pears. A big red stone stands on top of the center of the crown, surrounded by small diamonds, and a slightly smaller cross made of diamonds stands on top of the red stone.

Following Byzantine tradition, Nicholas received the crown from the hierarch of the church and then used his own hands to crown himself.

The metropolitan then said a prayer:

"Most God-fearing, absolute, and mighty Lord, Tsar of all the Russias, this visible and tangible adornment of thy head is an eloquent symbol that thou, as the head of the whole Russian people, art invisibly crowned by the King of kings, Christ, with a most ample blessing, seeing that He bestows upon thee entire authority over His people."

After this, the Tsar received his scepter and orb, and the metropolitan said another prayer:

"God-crowned, God-given, God-adorned, most pious Autocrat and great Sovereign, Emperor of All the Russias. Receive the scepter and the orb, which are the visible signs of the autocratic power given thee from the Most High over thy people, that thou mayest rule them and order for them the welfare they desire."

Now officially the Emperor, Nicholas took off his crown and approached his wife Alexandra, who was kneeling before him, to crown her as well. He put the crown back on his head and used another smaller but identical crown to adorn Alexandra´s head.

For Alexandra, this was like a spiritual wedding to Russia. Every single part of the long ceremony had such a symbolic significance that she did not feel tired for even a second. She took her role as a mother of her people as seriously as she took everything in life.

Oo

Four days after the coronation, a tragedy occurred that would also be interpreted as a bad omen. A banquet was going to be held for the people at the Khodynka Field, where food and commemorative cups would be given.

More people than expected traveled from all over Russia to the field, and soon rumors spread that there would not be enough gifts for everyone. Some even said that the cups contained a golden coin. People tried to get into the lines, the small police force failed to keep order, a stampede formed, and more than a thousand people were trampled to death, including children.

The field was so large that some people were lucky enough not to notice. My family walked away with their commemorative cups and sausages. They only heard about what had occurred a day later. Had they been anywhere near the place the stampede happened, I may not have been here today.

When Nicholas and Alexandra found out about this, they considered canceling a ball that was taking place that day at the French Embassy, but Nicholas´s uncles once again made him change his mind, saying that it was more important not to upset the French, their valuable allies.

Some officials in charge of the organization and security of the festivities were fired. The Tsar gave pensions to the families of each of the people who died in the stampede and personally paid for individual caskets for the dead.

Nicholas, Alexandra, and Minnie visited the wounded in many hospitals. Alexandra looked at them with tears in her eyes. She was visibly upset, like a mother suffering for her new children.

But to many intellectuals, the fact that the court had declared mourning over the death of Archduke Karl Ludwig Joseph Maria of Austria a few days prior, but not after the deaths of thousands of common Russian people, sent the wrong message. Were the lives of thousands of common people really worth less than that of one Archduke?

  
Knowing the Tsar and Tsarina had assisted a ball the same day the tragedy occurred also made many think that they did not sympathize with the victims.

Grand Duke Sergei, the Governor of Moscow, was not directly involved in the planning of the festivities, but as the Governor, he was blamed by many for not taking the necessary precautions, and was called by some "the Prince of Khodynka". Nicholas refused to have his uncle investigated. All he wanted to do was move on.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra made the Alexander Palace in Tsarskoye Selo, also called the village of the Tsars, their main residence.

The Alexander Palace is a relatively simple palace compared to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, a few kilometers north of Tsarskoye Selo.

Alexandra decorated the quarters herself in a quite simple manner. The interiors were no more ostentatious than those of any other bourgeois home. It was still a far more comfortable place than the house where Nicholas and Alexandra spent their final days. The shooting just started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title based on a fiction book on Alexandra I read, the author is Kathleen McKenna Hewtson.


	3. Alexandra´s little world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the information, ideas and the way some paragraphs are written are inspired by Helen Rappaport´s book "Four sisters".

Moscow. July 17, 1918.  
Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

From the city of St. Petersburg, the Tsar ruled the Russian Empire. This land was so big that while the sun was setting on the western borders, it was also rising in the east.

  
Nicholas had a huge weight over his shoulders. All of the people who lived under his rule were his God-given responsibility. If anything bad happened to them, or he made a wrong choice, he would have to answer to the divine sovereign Himself. God had given Nicholas his power.

Nicholas´s loyalty to his late father knew no bounds. His admiration influenced him. The moment he ascended the throne, Nicholas II bowed to preserve the autocracy as firmly as his father had done.

Soon after Nicholas became Tsar, a deputation of peasants and workers from various towns' local assemblies, the zemstvos, came to the Winter Palace proposing reforms such as the adoption of a constitutional monarchy.

Although the addresses were written with mild and loyal terms, Nicholas was angry and ignored advice from an Imperial Family Council. He did not want the zemstvos to have any part in the government. Nicholas would maintain the autocracy as firmly as Alexander III had done.

Oo

After her birth, Nicholas and Alexandra took Olga on many trips to Austria, Denmark, and England. Olga was the only one of her siblings who would get to meet her grandmother, Queen Victoria, in Scotland.

Victoria and Alexandra spent hours playing with the baby. Many people said that Olga seemed older than her age, bursting with happiness and knowing just how to behave. She took her first steps with the help of her two-year-old cousin David, the son of Prince George. The little friendship started when David picked Olga up after a fall and gave her a kiss. Queen Victoria noticed the small little pair and jokingly said baby Olga would make for a great queen of England someday in the future.

From Scotland, Nicholas and Alexandra traveled to France, their ally. As the Emperor and Empress were driven across the boulevards in Paris, huge crowds waved at them, and whenever they saw baby Olga with her nurse, they shouted in French:

“Long live the baby! Long live the Grand Duchess!” and even “Long live the nanny!”

Nicholas looked overwhelmed with happiness as he heard the way the crowds cheered for him and his daughter.

The young couple visited many important sites in Paris, such as the grave of Napoleon, who once invaded Russia. They spent one evening in Versailles, and Alexandra was granted the rooms of Marie Antoinette. During a military review, the French soldiers praised Nicholas, who would never forget the warm welcome he received in France.

In commemoration of the conclusion of the Franco-Russian Alliance by Alexander III, Nicholas was invited to lay the foundation stone of a bridge still to be built at that time, a bridge that today is known as the Alexander Bridge.

Oo

Back in Russia, Nicholas went back to his tedious, and in his own words, detestable job. The one he felt completely obliged to do. Nicholas never went to bed until he had read all the reports and made comments on each of them. He survived the stress by becoming, little by little, a chain-smoker.

Nicholas was under the great influence of his four uncles: Vladimir, Commander of the Imperial Guard, Alexei, Grand Admiral of the Russian Navy and famous womanizer, Sergei, Ella´s violently reactionary husband, and Paul.

As the mildest, Paul did not cause Nicholas any trouble at first, but this would soon change. Paul had two children: Maria and Dmitri, but his wife had died giving birth to the latter in 1891. Dmitri had almost died as well, but his uncle Sergei had taken great care of him, saving his life.

Paul began an affair with a commoner, and after they had a son, Vladimir, he asked to be allowed to marry her, but Nicholas refused. It was illegal for Grand Dukes or Grand Duchesses to marry commoners.

Nicholas spent the first years of his reign in awe of his bellowing uncles, who towered over him and seemed to know better at the time. They had known Nicholas since he was a little boy and treated him as such. For their methods of intimidation, Nicholas dreaded being left alone with his uncles in his office.

Oo

Intimidation was never a part of Nicholas´s personality, even when he was angry he behaved in a kindly manner to everyone. He thought showing restrain was the gentlemanly thing to do, and sometimes when he fired ministers, he preferred to do so through written language, confusing the poor men, who would be treated as if nothing were about to happen days before.

Nicholas hated drama and often found it hard to criticize a man or his ideas to his face. This aspect of his personality was considered further proof of his alleged weakness of will, although it would be more accurate to say that Nicholas was a man of strong convictions, and the circumstances of birth had made it easier for him to act upon them, but he was not interested in convincing anyone with a different position that his ways would work better, because, at the end of the day, he had the final say.

As the Tsar and head of the Romanov House, Nicholas owned many lands, but despite his wealth, his private purse was often empty. There were seven palaces to take care of with its servants to be paid: the Winter and Anitchkov Palaces in St. Petersburg, the Alexander and Catherine Palaces in Tsarskoye Selo, their palace by the sea of Finland, Peterhof, the palace of Gatchina, their quarters in the Kremlin at Moscow, and the Livadia Palace in Crimea. Nicholas was also responsible for giving each of the Imperial members of the family their allowances. Then there were the trains and the yachts. Many hospitals, orphanages, and other charities also were supported by him. At the end of the year, the Tsar was usually penniless.

Oo

Alexandra continued learning Russian with the help of her tutor, Catherine Schneider, but as the Empress, she did not fare well at her role. The Russian aristocracy was critical of Alexandra for her poor French, the court language, as well as her constant unavailability. She was not used to the enormous and opulent Russian court, as the court in her home duchy was ridiculously small by comparison.

Alexandra´s natural shyness, awkwardness, and difficulty at coming up with interesting topics for small talk were confused for disdain and haughtiness by the snobby St. Petersburg society ladies, that also had a very strong preference for Alexandra´s mother in law, Minnie, who always had the energy to party and talk to them even then as a widow in her forties. They did not like that Alexandra had replaced her.

Alexandra had been a fish out of the water ever since her first appearance at court as the Empress during the winter season of 1896, little after Olga was born. She had clung tightly to her husband’s arms while blankly staring at everyone. Later, she confessed to Nicholas that she would have liked to sink into the floor.

Her first meetings with the ladies of St. Petersburg went disastrously. Alexandra rarely smiled in front of strangers or spoke more than a few words of welcome. She awkwardly hung her hand in the air for it to be kissed, as it was custom, and her constant anxious glances to see how many ladies more were coming clearly indicated she just wanted for it to be over. The gossiping about all the things that were "wrong" with her continued. 

At first, Alexandra attempted to act as her role demanded, but even when she tried, her sloppy attempts could end up failing disastrously. She sometimes showed up at balls covered in way too many jewels and dressed in excessively ornamented dresses, because she knew the court admired those sorts of fancy things. Alexandra must have thought that even if they disliked her, they would at least respect her as their Empress. The court ladies ended up laughing at her opulence and mocking her behind her back without much discretion, comparing Alexandra to the simply dressed yet still elegant Dowager Empress.

Raised in the small court of Darmstadt and trained with Victorian standards, Alexandra was not prepared for the long parties, the love affairs, the gossip. 

"The heads of young ladies of St. Petersburg", the scandalized Alexandra once declared, "are filled with nothing but thoughts of young officers."

Alexandra then started crossing off names from the palace invitation lists, which made people in St. Petersburg consider her a prude. They were not wrong.

During one of the first court balls Alexandra attended, she saw a woman dancing with a cleavage she considered way too low. Alexandra sent one of her ladies in waiting to inform the woman in question.

"Madame," the lady said, "Her Majesty wants me to tell you that in Hesse-Darmstadt we don´t wear our dresses that way."

"Really?" The young woman replied while pulling the front of her dress even lower. "Tell Her Majesty that in Russia we _do_ wear our dresses this way."

Whenever Alexandra smiled, the ladies called it mockery. If she had a neutral expression, it was confused with anger. There was nothing she could do that was not misinterpreted. Her religious fervor was considered excessive. This was even noticed by Nicholas´s teenage sister Olga, who sympathized with the unfortunate new Empress. 

Alexandra found the strain of fulfilling her ceremonial duties incredibly hard, social environments were quite scary for her. She was not oblivious, she knew about the mockery and noticed the disdain people felt for her. At first, she would often cry in her husband´s arms while confessing her feelings of loneliness.

Alexandra began closing off to the outside world and wish for a quiet, private, and relatively secluded existence with her family as the center and most important thing in her life. Her husband made her feel safe.

She began to dislike the aristocracy, as well as people from St. Petersburg’s high society in general. She considered them scandalous, immoral, frivolous, mundane, unspiritual, and prone to gossip. She detested the fashions, the stories of extramarital affairs, promiscuity, and other activities she considered immoral but were common among those social circles. She wanted to protect her future children from pernicious influence.

Alexandra did not even think that people from St. Petersburg were “real” Russians. She did not like the culture, because most revolutionary sentiments started in cities like Petersburg and spread from there. They were not real Russians, she told herself and anyone who would listen, and neither were the workers who went on strike, or the revolutionary students, or the difficult ministers.

The real people were the peasants she had become acquainted with during a visit to her sister Ella in her state. Those humble and kind people who fell to their knees in prayer for the Tsar, some others who even kissed the shadow of the Tsar as he walked near them. To those people, she was their mother, their matushka. 

Most of all, Alexandra considered the aristocracy´s lack of willingness to help other people without reward reproachable. In 1896, Alexandra tried to start a charity project called “Help through Handwork.” Alexandra was skilled at sewing and hoped to establish workshops throughout Russia where poor women could learn how to be proficient at crafts and thus complement their income. She started by recruiting women from the aristocracy to help her with this new project of hers, and to sew clothes together for the less fortunate as well. The women expected that they, or their loved ones, would be given promotions in court as a reward, and when they learned this would not be the case, many refused to help. The aristocratic women, of course, did not miss the opportunity to mock Alexandra for failing even at charity.

Oo

I do relate to her. Years of bullying can make it hard for anyone to feel at ease around crowds of strangers. I used to feel dizzy before talking to any new people. 

Selling flowers was easy because it was just a transaction, something I had rehearsed and practiced lots of times, and I never talked to the buyers unless they talked to me first.

Andrei was the one to pursue me. God bless him. It was at nursing school that I learned to socialize, but it was a slow process from which I obtained endless awkward and painful memories.

Alexandra´s beliefs were not correct, now it is clear. She might have created them to hide from reality. It must have brought her peace to think that at least, poor Russians, the people that mattered, loved her.

She is right about one thing though, we peasants are usually the most loyal of Russian peoples. 

Oo

With joy, Nicholas and Alexandra celebrated Olga´s first birthday. The toddler was now trying to talk and was a rosy and happy child who smiled all the time, just like her mother had done as a baby. Alexandra was proud of her bright girl, whom she considered smart for her age.

Alexandra´s second pregnancy proved to be a difficult one. She suffered incredible pains in her back, was barely able to stand, and the doctors told her there was a huge risk she could have a miscarriage. At the end of the pregnancy, she was staying in bed all day long.

If she turned, the sickness overwhelmed her. If she tried to sit up, her back would hurt. If she moved her legs, they would cramp.

The second pregnancy was agony.

Minnie advised Alix to eat raw ham in bed during the morning, before breakfast. Nicholas and Alexandra hoped the baby would be a boy this time to secure the succession. Xenia had just given birth to a baby boy herself recently, and Alexandra´s health was beginning to deteriorate. They both knew it would be a huge relief to have a boy as soon as possible so that Alexandra could rest for two or three years without the pressure of time running out. 

The thought of having to go through pregnancy for a third time soon caused Alexandra lots of anxiety, so it is said that faith healing enthusiast Princess Militza brought four blind nuns from Kiev to Alexandra.

Militza and her sister Anastasia were two Montenegrin princesses who had been sent to be educated in Russia. Rich and acknowledged among the aristocracy, Milica and Anastasia, instead of attending numerous balls like the rest of St. Petersburg aristocracy, directed all their energy towards their obsessions: mysticism, spirituality, and the occult as a whole. I bet they would have loved me.

I didn´t see it, but the blind nuns from Kiev allegedly brought with them four especially blessed candles and four flasks of water from a well in Bethlehem, the place our Savior was born. After lighting the candles at each corner of Alexandra’s bed and sprinkling her with the Bethlehem water, they assured her she would have a boy.

Supposedly, a deformed and half-blind crippled man called Mitya Kolyaba had powers of prophecy as well, but they only became apparent during epileptic fits, something I am not certain about but could very well have been possible. He was also brought in to work a miracle on the Empress. When he saw Alexandra for the first time, he remained silent, but later prophesied the birth of a male child, and was thus sent gifts by the grateful imperial couple. If what this man said is true, he probably was unable to see anything the first time he was summoned to the palace. The vision he needed all along must have caught him later by surprise.

Nothing could calm Alexandra, who was under considerable pressure. After such a difficult pregnancy, Alexandra had been praying every day for a boy.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra waited for their second child in Peterhof, and the baby was born on the 29th of May, or the 10th of June according to the new calendar.

The labor was easier despite the difficult pregnancy, and the baby smaller, although forceps were also needed. When the effects of the chloroform administered during the delivery wore off and Alexandra looked at the people around her, with their anxious and troubled faces, she hysterically exclaimed:

“My God! It is again a daughter! What will the nation say? What will the nation say?”

Needless to say, the birth was a great shock to the exhausted Alexandra. Despite this, both Nicholas and Alexandra warmed up to their daughter immediately, but they would continue their prayers and attempts to conceive a boy very soon after her birth.

Oo

Providing Russia with an heir was considered one of Alexandra´s most important duties. Ever since the Pauline laws were implemented by Emperor Paul I, it has been impossible for any daughter of the Tsar to become the next ruler.

The Tsesarevich, or heir, was Nicholas´s brother George for this very reason, but he was becoming increasingly sick and spent most of his time in the south because the climate there was good for his health.

George was understandably disappointed he had not been able to meet his brother´s daughters, and the fact he was still the heir caused him considerable anxiety. He would be too ill to be Tsar if that were ever his fate. George probably hoped the baby would be a boy for this reason.

Nicholas´s youngest brother Michael had no interest in ruling and was more of a free spirit.

But the main reason Nicholas and Alexandra wanted to have a son was because they were only human, and like most parents, they wanted their successor to be one of their children, their own flesh and blood, created by the love they had for each other. All parents want their children to become inheritors of their legacy, and the fact this particular legacy consisted of an entire nation made little difference to Nicholas and Alexandra.

Oo

Once again, 101 cannons announced the birth of a Grand Duchess, one that Nicholas and Alexandra called Tatiana. Just like they had done with their precious daughter Olga, the couple prayed to God, who had blessed them with this second child, in order to find a perfect name for her.

The name Tatiana is not originally from Russia, it has Greek roots and means “the one who takes care of the home”.

Tatiana was a beautiful baby. She had dark, reddish curly hair, a small and delicate mouth, and had inherited most of her mother´s fine features. Her gray eyes, however, were a similar shape to her father´s: downturned, long, and separated from each other. Tatiana´s eyes, along with her beautiful features, gave her an overall unique and lovely appearance. She would look different from the rest of her siblings.

Olga was immediately amused by her new sister, it was love at first sight, and the way the one-year-old acted around her was really fun for her parents to watch.

"Why does she sleep so much?" Olga asked when she first got to hold her baby sister in her mother´s bed.

"She is a baby dear", Alexandra answered. "Babies sleep a lot to grow bigger."

"Why is she angry, mama?"

"She is not angry, Olga, she is just very tired, it took her a long time to arrive."

"Where did she go?"

"That is a question for another time, Olga."

Nicholas and Alexandra doted on Tatiana just like they continued to dote on Olga.

Grand Duchess Maria Pavlovna, the wife of Grand Duke Vladimir and the mother of many boys, was suspiciously elated with Tatiana´s birth. Now there was hope. Her husband, or maybe one of her children, could one day sit on the Russian throne.

Oo

In 1897, the same year Tatiana was born, a law was enacted to limit work hours and forbid night work for women and minors under seventeen years of age. These laws, however, didn’t address the low wages that accompanied disproportionally long working hours for everyone else. Working conditions were terrible despite the factory inspections, and trade unionism was banned.

There was little done to protect the pay or safety of the workers. Laws protecting workers brought in under Alexander III and Nicholas II did nothing to appease the growing resentment of the workers who were beginning to become more and more acquainted with anarchism, Marxism, and other different ideologies.

Living conditions were horrendous as developers struggled to deal with the growing demand for accommodation, needed by people emigrating from the countryside to cities such as St. Petersburg and Moscow. Many lived in communal houses similar to army quarters, where kitchens, toilets, and washrooms were shared. Others were forced to sleep in the factories where they worked, with little in terms of bedding.

There was limited sanitation or running water in the cities, and the mortality rate was high.

Oo

Not as well informed as he needed to be, the Emperor was still somewhat interested in the strivings of his people for a better life. He changed the passport system to facilitate free movement, including travel to foreign countries. A voluntary program of insurance was introduced, under which, in exchange for one ruble per year, a person was entitled to free hospitalization.

Nicholas, just like his father before him, was immensely proud of being Russian, and he would actively instill that same level of patriotism in his children. When he worked, he wore a simple Russian peasant blouse, leather boots, and baggy breeches. He once dreamt of transforming the formal court dress to the ancient, more traditional costumes used in the courts of the Rurik dynasty, but he abandoned the idea when he found out it would be too expensive. Although he was fluent in English, French, and German, he spoke Russian most often than not, and that is the language he used to communicate with his children. Only to Alexandra he spoke English, for her Russian became fluent only later. Although French was widely spoken in the upper classes, Nicholas encouraged his ministers to give him their reports in Russian and did not like whenever they used foreign phrases or expressions.

Even the culture the Tsar favored was Russian. He liked to read Pushkin, Gogol, and Tolstoy. He liked to listen to Tchaikovsky, and his favorite ballet was The Hunchback Horse, based on a Russian tale. Out of all of his ancestors, Nicholas admired Tsar Alexei I the most. One time, Nicholas was discussing Russian history with an aide, and when the topic became relevant, the servant talked about Peter the Great with great enthusiasm. After thinking it through for a while, the Tsar explained his unpopular position: “I recognize my ancestor’s great merits, but… he is the ancestor who appeals to me least of all. He had too much admiration for European culture… He stamped out Russian habits, the good customs, the usages, bequeathed by a nation.”

Nicholas was not oblivious to the way Peter the Great had managed to build his capital city.

Oo

The Tsar hoped to restore Russia to her ancient traditional culture, which had been abandoned by many educated classes for modern European styles.

During their reign, Nicholas and Alexandra donated lots of money to monasteries and encouraged the building of churches, especially in the old traditional architectural styles. They commissioned the painting of many Byzantine-style icons as well.

The number of churches in the country reached its peak. Nicholas himself took part in the laying of the first cornerstones and consecration of many churches.

The Emperor liked the idea of educating the peasant children through parish schools, and as a result, their numbers grew. My brother himself was educated in one of these small institutions, the one that Gerasim supervised, and thankfully, I was able to learn from both of them, even though my parents hadn´t allowed me or my sisters to go. They said that it was unnecessary for girls to learn so many things, that both of them were illiterate and could work and function just fine.

My daughter will certainly go to school once she is old enough, although, my husband does not like the idea of taking her to a parish school. He says they only teach children silly superstitions. I can´t believe he is married to a seer.

Oo

In 1898, Nicholas and Alexandra hired an Irish nanny for their girls. Her name was Margaretta Eagar. The woman quickly became attached to the little girls, and she loved them almost as if they were her own daughters. Olga Alexandrovna, Nicholas´s sister, also loved her brother´s baby girls dearly, and because of her young age, the teenage girl was more like an older sister to them than an aunt. She had no problem playing with the babies.

Olga and Tatiana were becoming closer with each passing day. Olga was obsessed with her little sister, the two little playmates would kiss often. Olga would attempt to help one-year-old Tatiana learn how to play the piano, as she was already doing. These piano sessions were a source of great laughter and amusement for the two baby girls. The sound of their laughter, along with that of the piano, could often be heard all throughout the palace.

Oo

In October of 1898, while Alexandra was trying to fall pregnant for the third time, she instructed one of her doctors in Yalta to study the theory of Austrian embryologist Dr. Leopold Schenk, who had written a book called “The Determination of Sex”. Alexandra also asked her doctor to communicate with the man.

Dr. Schenk argued that the sex of the child depended upon which ovary had ovulated: an unripe egg cell, released soon after menstruation, would produce female children, and a ripe one, male. The doctor also believed that nutrition played a key role in the development of sexual characteristics, and his advice focused on the nutrition of the mother up to and during pregnancy. A woman wanting a son, he claimed, should eat more meat in order to raise the level of blood corpuscles.

Dr. Schenk thought his eight sons were proof that his method worked. Alexandra became somewhat convinced and subsequently lived according to Dr. Schenk’s precepts.

Oo

Most of the time, Nicholas detested any sort of talk about politics during informal contexts, and whenever he was not working, he changed the subject to the weather, the mountains, nature, families, activities, or anything else. Discussions about politics could quickly turn ugly, and Nicholas despised confrontation.

Being peace-loving in nature, the Tsar made a strange suggestion to the world, unlike anything similar before. In 1898, he proposed an international conference to study the problem of the armaments race, which was having debilitating economic, financial, and moral effects on the people of many nations. He wanted all nations to come together and meet in order to cut their military forces and submit to general arbitration on international disputes.

Many accused Nicholas of wanting to stop the military growth of his rivals, more specifically Austria, for his own convenience, but the truth is Nicholas had recently invited Ivan Bliokh to an audience.

Bliokh was an important Russian Jewish railroad financier who had several facts, statistics, and predictions based on said statistics about the enormous casualty rates and grim horror that a war in the future would entail. The new recent developments in weaponry such as machine guns, shells, and gas made any hypothetical conflict extremely dangerous. Bliokh himself had encouraged Nicholas.

Some people hailed the Tsar as “Nicholas the pacific”. Some others, including Edward, the Prince of Wales and heir to the English throne, said his proposal was “the greatest nonsense and rubbish I ever heard of”.

The result of Nicholas´s proposal, the Hague Peace Conference, was convened on May 18, 1899. Twenty European powers attended along with the United States, Mexico, Japan, China, Siam, and Persia.

There was no stop to the armaments race, but an agreement on the rules of warfare. A permanent court of arbitration was also established. 

Oo

Nicholas´s family was growing. Three-year-old Olga talked in Russian and English, and adored her little sister. Tatiana was becoming an extraordinarily beautiful child, as her eyes had become dark and large.

Tatiana was always happy, and only cried after she was bathed and when they fed her. This overall quiet, compliant, and placid behavior would continue throughout most of her life. On the other hand, Olga behaved in a precocious and friendly manner. She freely talked to strangers in a very funny way. When she turned two, an orphanage was opened to commemorate her.

Maria and Dmitri, the children of the Grand Duke Paul, were Olga and Tatiana´s first playmates.

Alexandra behaved in a relaxed and friendly manner towards new people such as ladies in waiting whenever she was in the comfortable security of her home, near her children, but Queen Victoria was beginning to worry about her granddaughter’s seclusion and unpopularity. She knew it was important to come into contact with the people.

In November of 1898, it became clear that Alexandra, who had twice fainted in mass, was pregnant again. She decided to keep it a secret for a while.

Severe nausea forced Alexandra to spend much of her third pregnancy lying down once again. When she wasn´t lying, Alexandra sat on the balcony of the palace at Livadia.

Again, Minnie advised her daughter-in-law to eat ham before breakfast. Nicholas devotedly pushed his wife around in a wheelchair and read to her “War and Peace” or the history of Alexander I daily. The baby was lying in an awkward position that made Alexandra´s sciatica worse.

Oo

In 1899, Alexandra was heavily pregnant, and it is impossible to exaggerate how much the couple prayed for a son this time, both home and at church. They had not only prayed but also followed the instructions they had read from several sources would work to conceive a male child. Alexandra had eaten lots of meat indeed.

After so much effort, they believed it was unlikely to have three daughters in a row and had a feeling it would be a boy this time.

The loving couple calmly and confidently waited for the long-awaited heir to come. Olga and Tatiana were encouraged to talk to the baby when Alix was pregnant. Tatiana was only two, so she only said hi to the baby, along with some other baby talk I didn’t understand, but three-year-old Olga took this very seriously and started telling the baby not to forget to take care of all of his “dollies” and toys once he was born.

On the 14th of June, or the 26th according to the new calendar, only 101 cannons were heard throughout the streets of St. Petersburg after the birth of yet another Grand Duchess.

For the first time, Nicholas felt disappointed about his new baby´s gender. He took a long solitary walk before returning home.

Alexandra was disappointed as well, but her motherly instincts did not allow her to feel that way for too long. Delighted with joy, she started breastfeeding her baby. Nicholas warmed up to his new daughter as soon as he returned to see her. They prayed for God to bless the newborn with a bright future, and then asked Him to help them choose a good name for her.

They chose the name “Maria”, in honor of her grandmother Minnie, who the baby curiously grew up to resemble more than even her own parents. I think the prophesy Maria´s name brought along has already been fulfilled. The name Maria can be taken to mean “a sea of bitterness” or “wished-for child”.

Many other parents in their position would have allowed the birth of three daughters in a row to embitter them, but Nicholas and Alexandra immediately put their worries aside to make Maria as much of a “wished for child” as any boy would have been.

Despite loving the new baby girl more with each passing day, Alexandra was still stressed about baby Maria´s gender. She told her close friends and family that there was no shame in having baby girls, but that in a country such as Russia, it was important to secure the succession.

Alexandra was already disliked by the autocracy, and being unable to have a son was making her even more unpopular. She knew, of course, about this. She could not produce good small talk, she could not form connections with the aristocracy or win their love, and now, she could not even accomplish the most basic task for a Russian Empress.

The superstitious nature of the Russian people didn’t make things better for Alexandra. The birth of a third daughter certainly fueled the widespread belief that Alexandra’s arrival in Russia, coinciding with the dying days of Alexander III, had been a bad omen for the marriage.

Superstitious beliefs were no joke for Alix, they are widespread among Orthodox people. During Maria’s christening, after the baby was dipped in the font three times, her hair was cut in four places, in the form of a cross. The removed hair was then rolled in wax and thrown into the font. According to Russian superstition, the good or evil in the child’s future life depends on whether the hair sinks or swims. Little Maria’s hair, just like that of her sisters before her, sank at once, which meant there was no need for alarm concerning her future.

The Empress was beginning to feel exceedingly pressured to have a son, something neither she nor her husband had any control over. Had Alexandra been a normal woman, she would have probably been delighted to have only daughters, or sons, for that matter, but she was no normal woman. Securing the succession was considered extremely important for the happiness and stability of a nation with extremely rigid and traditional laws, and a long, violent history of coups and assassinations.

Grand Duke George, Nicholas´s brother, was disappointed once again by the birth of another niece. The unlucky man was still the heir, and wanted but was unable to assist the baby´s baptism due to his health.

Oo

George died in Georgia, where he had been living because the climate was said to improve his health. George´s lungs, however, never improved. He was riding his motorcycle when it happened. He did not come back, so his staff sent out a search party. A peasant woman had discovered him collapsed by the side of the road, blood coming from his mouth as he struggled to breathe.

The news reached Nicholas by telegram and he had to tell his mother. She completely broke down. Minnie had now lost two sons, as one of her babies, Alexander, had died in infancy a long time ago.

George´s death was a great shock for Nicholas, who was very fond of his childhood playmate and friend. George´s sense of humor still brightened his days. It especially pained him to know his brother would never meet his nieces, something George had been worrying about with longing days before his death.

Minnie was heartbroken, her son had died all alone, without his family. As he was laid to rest in St. Peter and Paul Cathedral in Saint Petersburg, Minnie stood next to Xenia without tears during the entire ceremony, but when the coffin was put down into the tomb, she suddenly grabbed her daughter´s arm tightly, and with open and dead eyes, she exclaimed: "Let's go home. Let's go home, I cannot stand it anymore!"

She left so fast it was hard for the others to understand what was happening.

The Dowager Empress sobbed inside her carriage for a long time after that. This was sadly not the last time she would outlive one of her children.

Now Grand Duke Michael was the heir apparent.

Oo

After Maria´s birth, so closely followed by Grand Duke George’s death, the level of concern escalated in Russia and abroad, for the first time arousing real fears that the Empress would never have a boy.

Letters of advice began arriving from England, France, Belgium, and even as far as from North America, Latin America, and Japan. They all offered their folk secrets for begetting a son. Many correspondents solicited thousands of dollars from the imperial couple in return for divulging their answer.

Other unsolicited advice was offered from within Russia: “Ask your wife, the Empress, to lie on the left-hand side of the bed”, said one of these, instructing that Nicholas should lie on the right. He probably meant that if the husband mounts his wife from the left a girl will be born, if from the right, a boy. I have indeed heard many people claim this in my village, but I doubt it works. My parents have known about that particular "secret" for a long time, and yet I only have one brother.

It is unlikely that the imperial couple read, let alone applied, all of the techniques, but it is possible they selected and tried a few.

Nicholas, however, was perfectly happy when it came to his personal life. He found comfort after the terrible death of his brother in his family, especially in his new baby daughter.

“I dare complain the least”, he wrote in a note to his wife, “having such happiness on earth, having a treasure like you my beloved Alix, and already the three little cherubs. From the depth of my heart do I thank God for all His blessings, in giving me you. He gave me paradise and has made my life an easy and happy one.”

Whenever Alexandra became worried about having yet to provide the nation with an heir, Nicholas would make jokes.

"Should we never have a son, my tall, handsome younger brother Michael would make a fine tsar one day, do you not think, darling?" He once said to his wife. "And this little girl is the most beautiful gift God has ever given us".

Maria was the most beautiful child one could imagine. She had a tiny nose, curly golden hair, dark eyebrows, and a perfectly round face that matched her round blue eyes, which were so big that would one day be known as "Maria´s saucers".

Many people noticed that Maria looked like one of Botticelli´s angels. Only my daughter seems prettier to me than her, but even I can admit a mother´s love can be blinding.

Maria was born good. She was incredibly well behaved for an infant and later a toddler. Nicholas´s oldest uncle, the Grand Duke Vladimir Alexandrovich Romanov, called Maria “The Amiable Baby”, because of her good and peaceful nature. She was always so cute and smiling, and hers was the sweetest smile possible. 

Maria was also an uncommonly affectionate baby, as if she had learned to love quicker than other children.

“This baby was born with the very smallest trace of original sin possible”, her nanny, Margaretta, used to claim, and no one who knew Maria as a baby would have dared to disagree.

I can´t help but be reminded of the mother of the Saviour Himself, the Theotokos. She was also named Maria, and was indeed sinless throughout her entire life.

Oo

Little after Maria was born, the family traveled abroad. Margaretta joined them. They went to Denmark and Kiel to visit several relatives, and then to Wolfsgarten, a hunting mansion in Hesse where they stayed with Alexandra´s brother Ernie, his wife Victoria Melita, and their four-year-old daughter Elizabeth, or Ella.

Little Ella was a sweet and merry child with almost black hair and light grey-blue eyes. Elizabeth was only a few months older than Olga, so she took great interest in her cousins, placing her own toys in Olga and Tatiana´s room for them to use.

Olga and Tatiana became friends with Ella the moment they met her. They would continue to be playmates for a long time as well, as their parents often arranged for them to see each other. 

The little girls played with their toys most often than not, but they also liked running outside. Ella did not have any sisters herself and wished for one very much. Since she had liked Tatiana most of all for her cheerful disposition to play whatever Ella chose to play, the little Hessian girl begged the adults of the household to let her adopt Tatiana as her little sister.

“You will not miss her as much as you would miss Olga or the baby”, Elizabeth claimed. When she was told that it was not a possibility, she asked about the baby, Maria, and concluded that she and her nanny, Miss Wilson, would be able to take care of her. With great interest, Ella learned all the details of how the adults changed the baby´s diapers until she thought she had mastered them. She then asked her aunt Alexandra to give the baby to her, and was, of course, refused by the mother, who smiled at the funny child.

With all of this failing, Ella started assuring everyone that Maria was a very ugly baby anyways, and everyone in Russia would be much better and happier without that stupid little thing. Sadly for Ella, she was unable to adopt any of her cousins. The poor child looked so sad when her friends left.

The Romanovs and the Dukes of Hesse visited the city of Darmstadt twice and went shopping with the children. They went to a toy shop once, and the children were told that they might choose whatever they liked for themselves and also for relations and friends at home. Olga looked at the things and finally chose the very smallest toy she could find.

"Thank you very much", Olga said politely. The shop people showed her more attractive toys, but Olga would always reply: "No, thank you, I don't want to take it."

Miss Eagar asked Olga why she would not buy the toys, saying that the shop owners would be very sad if she did not take more, and that she could not leave the shop without buying more.

Olga then said: "But the beautiful toys belong to some other little girls, I am sure, and think how sad they would be if they came home and found we had taken them while they were out."

Margaretta explained the situation to her. They were in a toy shop, not in any little girl´s house. Miss Eagar explained Olga how shops worked, how these particular shopkeepers earned money by making lots of different children happy, and how it would make _them_ incredibly happy to have a little Grand Duchess such as Olga buying toys in their shop.

Olga understood. She and Tatiana ended up choosing many more toys.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra said goodbye to the Dukes of Hesse and then headed towards Postdam, where they visited the German Emperor and Empress. At that time, Nicholas and Wilhelm, the German Emperor, were friends as well as cousins, although Nicholas and Alexandra secretly disliked some of Wilhelm´s most eccentric personality traits, such as his sense of humor, indiscretion, obsession with showing off his military power in endless parades, and over theatricality. The couple would privately joke about their cousin mercilessly. 

Wilhelm was blissfully oblivious to this and thought Nicholas admired and looked up to him.

Olga and Tatiana had tea with two of the German Emperor´s children, who then took Olga for a drive in their pony cart. After this, the family returned to Russia.

Oo

One time, while staying in Moscow, the Empress thought she would like to have her children's portraits painted, so an artist was summoned to do so. Olga, Tatiana, and Maria were four years, two and a half years, and a few months old respectively. The artist began by taking innumerable photographs of the children, but then, he suddenly decided he could not paint from photographs, as it would not be “artistic” to do so.

Margaretta begged the man to remember that the girls were babies, but he insisted upon them sitting in front of him for three or four hours a day. This was of course very hard and boring for the poor children, and one day, the little Grand Duchess Olga lost her temper and said to the artist:

"You are a very ugly man, and I don't like you a bit."

Amusingly, this adult man was exceedingly offended by the words of this bored child, and so, he replied:

"You are the first lady who has ever said I was ugly, and moreover, I'm not a man, I'm a gentleman!"

More hilarious than his response to the insult was seeing the man´s reaction to the way Miss Eagar laughed at him for being so hurt by a little girl´s comment. It would not be the first time Grand Duchess Olga bluntly spoke her mind.

At four years old, Olga had started sleeping in a camp bed, as it was a tradition for Grand Dukes and Grand Duchesses to do. They slept on hard camp beds unless they were sick, and received cold showers in the morning as well.

Olga missed her soft crib at first, but eventually got used to the camp bed. She told Miss Eagar it made her proud to believe herself a big girl, no longer in need of a crib.

Oo

The family usually spent each Christmas at Tsarskoe Selo, where Alexandra used to put up many Christmas trees. Margaretta and the children had a tree for themselves. It was fixed into a musical box that played a German Christmas hymn and turned round and round.

Alexandra would sometimes let her two older little girls sleep near the Christmas tree, which must have been like magic to the children. There were no Christmas trees in my village, but Andrei does put them on, which I enjoy. The tradition comes from Germany.

All the presents were laid out on white-covered tables, and all of the imperial children loved the Christmas trees. They were incredibly sad whenever Christmas ended.

On New Year's Day according to the old Russian calendar, there was a great ceremony in the palace cathedral at St. Petersburg. The Emperor, Empress, and the Dowager Empress would go to church wearing full court dress.

The Empress looked magnificent in her court dress of white satin, with its long train of brocade, seven chains of diamonds round her neck, and a girdle of the same sparkling gems around her waist, the ends falling to the hem of her dress. On her head, she wore the kokoshnik, a crescent-shaped head-dress, in white brocade, lavishly decorated with large single stone diamonds. A rich lace veil descended from it and hung at the back almost to her knees.

The little girls were always delighted whenever they got to see their mother so gorgeously attired. They ran around her in speechless admiration, giggling with joy, and one time, suddenly, the Grand Duchess Olga clapped her hands and exclaimed: "Oh! Mama, you are just like a lovely Christmas tree!"

Oo

The Grand Duchesses Olga and Tatiana Nicholaivna liked to listen to stories, sometimes they liked making them up. On one occasion Tatiana told Olga a story.

"So, my little girl and my niece went into the wood and a big wolf ate my little girl, so she went to heaven", Tatiana finished her tale.

"Oh no!" Olga cried, horrified at such theology. "She could not have gone to heaven, because the wolf ate her, and God does not allow wolves to go to heaven. She is walking about the wood inside the wolf." Tatiana calmly accepted this wonderful correction.

Olga was becoming more prone to analyzing everything she was told. Tatiana, on the other hand, remembered most of what she was told in an accurate manner, accepting any new information as it was given to her.

Alexandra told whoever would listen that Olga was a very intelligent child. She was already good at piano and had quite an advanced vocabulary for a four-year-old. Tatiana was quieter, but she seemed to understand everything she was told. 

On one occasion, Miss Eagar told Olga the story of Joseph and his brothers. She was deeply interested.

"What a shame!" Olga exclaimed.

"Yes, it was indeed a terrible shame for them to be so jealous and so cruel to their young brother.” Margaretta agreed.

"I mean it was a shame of the father. Joseph was not the eldest, and the beautiful coat should have been given to the eldest son. The other brothers knew that, and perhaps that was why they put him in the pit." Olga replied.

Explanations were useless, all of Olga´s sympathies were given to Reuben. She must have believed being the oldest had to count for something.

Olga was angry with King David for killing Goliath. 

"David was much younger and smaller, and poor Goliath never expected him to throw stones at him", she had said.

She thought Esau deserved the birthright, and not Jacob, for being born first.

When her parents talked to her about the country´s history for the first time, Olga instantly disliked the fact that the older half-brother of Peter the Great, Ivan, had been made to rule along with his younger brother, and no explanations about Ivan´s condition had convinced her that Ivan shouldn’t have ruled alone.

“Jack the Giant Killer" gave Olga no pleasure. It upset her idea that might was right.

Once, there was a cinematograph exhibition for the children and some friends. Part of it showed two little girls playing in a garden. Each of them had a table covered with toys.

Suddenly the bigger girl snatched a toy from the little one who, however, held on to it and refused to give it up. The elder seized a spoon and used it to hit the little one, who quickly relinquished the toy and began to cry. Tatiana began weeping as well when she saw the little girl being hit, but Olga remained incredibly quiet. After the exhibition was over she said:

"I can't think that we saw the whole of that picture."

“I know”, Margaretta said to the child, probably hoping that the film had taught her a valuable lesson. “I had hoped that in the end the naughty big sister was punished, but we have seen enough, I am glad we don´t have to see that naughty girl anymore.”

Olga then said: "I am sure that the toy belonged at first to the big sister, and she was kind and lent it to her sister, then she wanted it back, and the little sister would not give it up, so she had to beat her."

Margaretta looked at the girl with amusement and probably gave up trying to convince her.

Oo

Tatiana used to hug her mama at whatever opportunity she had, while Olga would call for papa and run to him. Nicholas and Alexandra would joke about each daughter having a favorite. This obviously didn´t stop Tatiana from loving being carried in her father´s arms, or Olga from enjoying time with her mother as she taught both girls how to pray, knit, play piano, or quite simply, manners.

Alexandra worked hard to make sure her girls were always polite. On one occasion, the Prince of Siam, a far eastern country, came to visit the Empress, and the children were in the room. The little Grand Duchesses, four and two at the time, ran forward and examined him with deep interest, walking slowly around him, and regarding him with beaming smiles of amusement.

The Empress said to the Grand Duchess Tatiana: "Come, shake hands with this gentleman, Tatiana."

Tatiana laughed and said: "That is not a gentleman, mama, that's only a monkey."

The Empress, clearly embarrassed, opened her eyes wide and said: "You are a monkey yourself, Tatiana".

The young prince laughed heartily though, and afterward became quite good friends with the girls.

Oo

During one of the family´s stays at Spala, their Polish hunting lodge, a surprise was prepared for the children, to their parents’ delight.

In a little orchard, a teahouse had been built. About a dozen tame deer would approach the place, along with tame pheasants, hares, and other animals.

These animals would all come and eat from the girls´ hands. The deer, in particular, would also follow Margaretta about everywhere and lay their pretty heads on her arm. The Grand Duchess Tatiana named them "the pretty creatures", and by this name, they were henceforth known. The girls were incredibly pleased. They petted the creatures with tenderness as they friendlily argued over whom the deer loved more, even baby Maria was able to enjoy herself from the arms of her mother, who looked with amusement at the way her beautiful baby daughter seemingly followed the deer with her eyes. The mother´s amusement became pure sheer joy whenever the baby laughed.

A further surprise awaited Olga and Tatiana in the shape of a little carriage drawn by a pair of goats, each led by a boy in Polish costume.

Oo

Spending time having fun with his daughters made work, in comparison, even more tedious for Nicholas. Alexandra was lucky enough to be able to spend more time with them. She kept teaching the oldest two how to knit, embroider, and make beds, among other things she was good at. As an incredibly involved mother, she hated having to leave her daughters for official functions. She wanted to enjoy the time she had with her unusually affectionate little Maria, for she knew as all mothers do, that the toddlerhood stage is both endearing and short. Maria was, however, one of those little girls who loved her papa most.

From the earliest age, Maria loved her father very deeply. As soon as she was able to walk, she started trying to escape from the nurseries to go to her "papa", and whenever she saw him in the garden or park, she would call after him. If Maria´s efforts were successful and Nicholas happened to hear or see his daughter calling for him, he would always melt with love, wait for her arrival, and carry her around for a while. I dare venture to say that Maria was the Emperor´s favorite, for a while at least.

When the family was vacationing in the Crimea and Maria was a year old, she toddled her way into the balcony where Nicholas was having breakfast. Margaretta quickly came after her, but the Emperor asked for a chair for the baby.

“It touches me”, he said, “to see so much affection…”

“Don´t say wasted, Your Majesty,” Miss Eagar broke in quickly.

“Not wasted, but deeply reciprocated”, said the Emperor.

Miss Eagar was fascinated by politics. Once while she was bathing Maria, she got caught up in a discussion with a friend about a French scandal and took her eyes off the toddler. Maria scrambled out of the bath, naked and dripping, and started running up and down the palace corridor in search of her papa. Fortunately, her aunt Olga arrived just at that moment, picked Maria up, and carried her back to Miss Eagar, who was still talking about French politics.

Oo

Despite her parents´ love for her, baby Maria´s birth had been met with disappointment by everyone but her family.

The nation still waited for an heir, and the birth of another Grand Duchess was nothing remarkable for them, especially because there was an economic downturn during the early 1900s, leading to a lack of jobs and regular income. This was disastrous for those migrating to the cities looking for work.

Even Maria´s older sisters, Olga and Tatiana, seemed to forget about her. At first, the older sisters beamed with excitement whenever they got to hold the new baby. Then they started viewing little Maria as another one of their little dolls, the baby certainly looked like one, so they cared for her with the help of their mother and treated her as such, giving her unwavering attention, showering her with kisses that the smiling baby seemed to appreciate. When Maria started learning how to walk, Olga and Tatiana helped her with contagious excitement. They would squeal with joy whenever their sister made progress.

But once Maria had learned to walk without help, this excitement dissipated. Olga and Tatiana started thinking of their baby sister as an unneeded addition to the family.

The two oldest sisters did everything together already. They played dolls, rode their small ponies, played house, and pretended to cook or have tea parties like normal little girls. They went on carriage rides and picnics with their parents, and were so close in age they understood each other as twin sisters would.

Maria also proved to be such a good child that Nicholas and Alexandra began to hold up their youngest daughter as an example to their eldest. Olga and Tatiana naturally began to feel jealous, and jointly started calling Maria the “stepsister”, while agreeing to leave her out of their established games, much to Alexandra´s displeasure. 

“Remember that in all fairytales, it is the eldest sisters who are the stepsisters and the third is the real sister”, Margaretta tried to tell the little girls, probably referring to Cinderella, who was the one who married the prince in the end.

The little girls did not listen, and kept shutting Maria out of their games. Sometimes they even tripped their sister on purpose as she walked.

“You cannot expect baby Maria to stand this kind of treatment”, the nanny would say. “Someday you will be punished”.

Oo

Despite their occasional childish cruelty, Margaretta found the girls endearing, especially bright, witty, and quizzical Olga.

By 1900, the three little Romanov sisters were attracting considerable attention even abroad, with much discussion of which was the prettiest, cleverest, or most endearing in the magazines. One British magazine said:

“The flower of the flock, as far as looks are concerned, is Grand Duchess Tatiana. She is a real beauty, with dark pathetic eyes, and a wistful little mouth. But the Grand Duchess Olga, the eldest, is such a hearty, merry child, everybody loves her.”

The author of the article also ventured to imagine a future where Olga became the Queen Consort of England. Other magazines destined for little girls invented or reported stories about the little Grand Duchesses, accompanied by pictures.

Despite having dozens of servants, Alexandra spent so much time with her daughters that ladies at court began to say she was not an Empress, but only a mother.

Maria Feodorovna strongly disapproved of this, she considered that an Empress should be visible, but Alexandra refused to make a show out of herself or her children. She preferred to play an active role in other ways, like doing philanthropic work as her mother before her. This included establishing workhouses for the poor, crèches for working mothers, a school for training nurses at Tsarskoye Selo, and another one for housemaids. Alexandra was particularly concerned about the high infant mortality rate and the welfare of women during pregnancy, so she also set about organizing midwives for rural areas.

Since having an heir was also one of her duties, Alexandra kept reading even more reputable science magazines that claimed to have the answer to her problem. She ate the things she was told to eat, tried to conceive a child the way the magazines explained you should in order to get a baby of the sex of your choosing, and used some of the advice sent by people from all over the world.

Every day since Olga was born, Alexandra had prayed fervently to present the nation with an heir. Her piousness had only increased with the birth of two more daughters. 

"I have prayed for so long, with such blind faith, I am sure God will bless us this time", she said to Nicholas.

Alexandra had also followed through with the Austrian doctor´s diet and advice.

"I started the diet too late before", she told her husband. "This time, it will work".

Oo

In October 1900, Alexandra was once again pregnant, and this time she knew, she expected a boy. 

Nicholas and Alexandra were relaxing in Livadia with their five, three, and one-year-old daughters when their peaceful holiday was disrupted. Nicholas had fallen ill with typhus and would spend five weeks in bed suffering from agonizing pain in his back and legs, becoming very thin and weak.

Despite her pregnancy, Alexandra nursed her husband back to health and proved herself to be exceedingly capable. She allowed almost nobody near her precious husband and handled urgent documents regarding affairs of state to keep the Tsar from worrying. Nicholas was flattered by his wife´s excessive care and grew to love her even more if that is possible.

One-and-a-half-year-old Maria suffered a lot through her father´s illness. Her grief at not seeing him was excessive. Miss Eagar had to keep the door of the day nursery locked or she would have escaped into the corridor and disturbed him with her efforts to get to him. Every evening after tea she sat on the floor just inside the nursery door listening intently for any sounds from his room. If she heard his voice by any chance, she would stretch out her little arms, and call: "Papa, papa".

When the Empress came to see the children on the first evening after the illness had been pronounced typhus, she happened to be wearing a miniature of the Emperor set as a brooch. In the midst of her sobs and tears, little Marie caught sight of this. She climbed on the Empress's knee, and covered the pictured face with kisses, and on no evening all through his illness would she go to bed without kissing this miniature.

Oo

During the course of the Tsar´s illness, the question of who would succeed the Emperor if he died arose. Alexandra had yet to give him an heir.

When the Tsar´s condition seemed critical, Sergei Witte, the bright minister of finance, was summoned to a meeting where he was asked for his opinion. He pointed out that the law left no doubt about the succession: Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich would immediately succeed. Sergei was then told that the Empress was pregnant and that there was a possibility she might give birth to a boy.

Michael Alexandrovich was the heir, Nicholas and Alexandra knew this, but now that it was a real possibility, neither Nicholas nor Alexandra wished for twenty-one-year-old Michael to accede to the throne in preference to their own daughter, Olga, or the child Alexandra was carrying.

Alexandra insisted that she be nominated regent until her son came of age. Although desperately ill, Nicholas was consulted and sided with his wife:

"No, no!" He exclaimed. "Misha will get everything into a mess: he is so easily imposed on."

The other ministers in Yalta took that into consideration and suggested for the succession to be postponed for a few months until the Empress gave birth, but Witte replied that the succession law did not take such a contingency into account. The law was clear: If the Emperor were to die without having begotten a son, Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich must succeed. To act otherwise would be illegal and would lead to grave disorders. In any case, no one could predict that the Empress would bear a son. The others agreed.

Then the aged Grand Duke Michael Nikolaevich, the son of Nicholas I, asked Witte what would happen if the Empress were to bear a son after Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich had ascended the throne. Sergei Witte replied that only Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich could answer the question definitely, but that he believed that Michael, being a very decent and honorable man, would give up the throne in favor of his nephew. After they had come to an agreement, the ministers decided to inform the Empress privately about it.

Alexandra was certainly distraught upon hearing their decision.

"But what do you mean?" She asked with a fragile voice. "My baby is a boy, it is Nicky´s boy, so surely when he is born... even if Nicky isn´t here... I mean... no! That can´t be!"

The decision remained the same despite her protests.

This debate over the succession had a profound impact on Alexandra. It caused her to grow antipathetic towards Sergei Witte, this despite the man´s intelligence and efforts to boost Russia´s industrialization.

Alexandra felt outraged at the mere thought of anyone but a child of hers succeeding the throne. From this day on she became increasingly worried that the throne might be taken from her unborn son by plotters in court circles, and despite being on friendly terms with them, she started mistrusting Nicholas´s extended family, in particular, Grand Duke Vladimir and his wife, Maria Pavlovna or “Michen”. The couple had three sons: Kirill, Boris, and Andrei, all of them adults, all of them potentially eligible, quite unlike Alexandra´s three daughters.

Michen was known for being ambitious, hosting many fancy parties, and having her own court, so much so, that Minnie had an open rivalry with her, and had nicknamed Maria Pavlovna “The Empress Michen”.

Alexandra decided she would defend the Russian throne for her future son, at any cost.

In the aftermath of his illness, and worried about his daughters' dynastic interests, Nicholas instructed government ministers to draft a decree to the effect that Olga would succeed to the throne if he should die without a son and heir, but he was advised against this by ministers who worried about the stability of the Empire. Nicholas knew that his brother Michael didn’t want the throne, but the other male dynasts would most definitely have opposed his decision. The decree was never published.

Oo

While their father was ill, the three Romanov sisters were seen around Yalta in the carriage, chattering and asking questions, and bowing when people passing by took their hats off to them. The locals were delighted, but gossiped among themselves that the youngest daughter was living proof that Schenk’s methods did not work.

The girls were completely unspoiled. They were always modestly dressed in cheap, white dresses, short English stockings, and plain, light shoes. All heavy etiquette and luxury were forbidden. Before the Tsar´s illness, the Tsar and Tsarina often went to see their children in the nursery and played with their daughters.

Olga was at five a very kindhearted and of noble character. She was already talented at music. Although she and Tatiana had a little English donkey, the Tsar had recently indulged Olga’s request to ride side saddle ‘as grown-up people do’, after she had admired the Cossack members of the Tsar’s Escort.

Charming Tatiana, meanwhile, was of a gay and lively temperament, and always quick and playful in her movements. Both were much attached to their baby sister, whenever they were not actively excluding her from their games or being rough with her that is. It could be almost said that pushing Maria around was a game for Olga and Tatiana, not something that diminished the love they had for her.

Nicholas recovered, and when she was finally allowed to see him, Maria´s joy was unparalleled. 

Oo

The family spent Christmas in Crimea, where holly and ivy were used to decorate the house.

The children were greatly charmed with the decorations and pulled each other under the mistletoe for kissing purposes. Even little Maria took part in these games. They had a Christmas tree as usual, and Maria was especially delighted with it, as she could not remember anything of the kind. She would say to the Emperor: "Papa, did you ever see anything so beautiful?"

Before they left for St. Petersburg, Nicholas and Alexandra received news that Queen Victoria had died on January the 22nd. Victoria´s son, Edward, had succeeded her as King of England.

The doctors did not allow the pregnant Alexandra to travel to England for the funeral, so instead, she attended a memorial service at the English Church in the capital.

Alexandra wept openly, supported by Nicholas. She could not believe she would never see her kind grandmother again. An England without Queen Victoria seemed almost incomprehensible as well. It was the first and only time she was seen displaying her feelings publicly.

The death of Queen Victoria not only made Alexandra grieve, but also took away a huge source of encouragement for her. The Queen had written to Alexandra regularly, talking about the importance of developing in high society. She was deeply worried about Alexandra´s shyness, so she gave her granddaughter lots of advice. Now, without her grandmother for guidance, Alexandra continued closing herself deeper into her little world, which accepted few people other than her husband and daughters.

The loss of her beloved grandmamma was a heavy shock, but fortunately, Alexandra remained uncharacteristically healthy during this fourth pregnancy.

Oo

Unhappy with their already good social status, the Montenegrin sisters had wanted to become closer to Empress Alexandra Feodorovna for a long time. On their knees, the sisters had previously sworn that they would devote their lives to helping her conceive a boy. Touched by their loyalty and devotion, Alexandra trusted them fully. One of the healers they brought to help the Empress was Doctor Encausse, a Spanish-born French physician, hypnotist, and popularizer of occultism also known as “papus”. He visited Russia several times and gave Nicholas and Alexandra sessions starting in 1901. He served as an adviser, giving spiritual recommendations to the sovereigns on how to rule and assuring them they would have a boy in time.

But one of the most influential men introduced by the Montenegrin sisters to Alexandra was a French man called Philippe Nazier-Vachot.

Philippe´s background was shadowy and dubious. At the age of thirteen, he began claiming extra-sensory powers. At twenty-three he started practicing medicine without a license, offering treatment with “psychic fluids and astral forces”.

Preposterous. I can´t even imagine the number of poor sick people he tricked into giving him their hard-earned money.

In 1884 Philippe claimed he could predict the sex of a child and that he could even use his “magnetic” powers to change its sex inside the womb.

Philippe’s occult medicine consisted of hypnosis sessions with patients, and his business prospered despite having been fined several times for practicing without any education.

It is possible Philippe was like me. It is likely he had visions of sorts because he was right more often than not, but he was often selective on which patients he accepted. He took some time before declaring whether he would be able to predict or change the sex, and only then did he claim to change it. 

In any case, just because you have visions doesn’t mean you are not a charlatan. I once tried to make money off my ability, both in my village and Moscow. I stopped when I realized I was profiting from an ability that is not always certain or accurate, and that I was claiming to be able to see anything people wanted me to, when in fact, some days I am not able to see anything at all.

Oo

Xenia, Minnie, and Ella were alarmed and warned Nicholas and Alexandra to stay away from Philippe, but all attempts to discredit him in their eyes failed.

Even after the Okhrana made a report on Philippe´s unscientific practices, Nicholas did not listen. He simply dismissed the agent who had prepared the report. Nicholas and Alexandra took Philippe’s words of pseudo-mystical wisdom at face value, and started referring to him as “our friend”.

Alexandra genuinely believed that if she wasn´t expecting a boy before, she was expecting him now, for Philippe had absolutely convinced her that he was able to change the baby´s sex in the womb, and that he had seen the boy Alexandra was then expecting in a vision. The position of the stars guaranteed a male heir, or so Philippe claimed. 

"He is coming now, dearest", Alexandra woke Nicholas in bed one morning. "I can feel him. Our boy is here, my love."

Oo

Before the child was born at Peterhof, five-year-old Olga became sick with typhoid fever. She was in bed for five weeks and became very pale and thin. Her long blonde hair had to be cut short.

Alexandra tried to spend most of the day with her oldest daughter, and the girl appreciated having her mother around. Alexandra´s presence seemed to be a huge source of comfort for Olga, so, for as long as she was able to, Alexandra would sit with her. 

Margaretta Eagar nursed her charge day and night as well. It seemed likely that Olga would not survive.

Oo

Olga longed to see her sister Tatiana and was incredibly pleased when the doctor said Tatiana might pay her a visit for just five minutes. Miss Eagar went down and fetched her to see Olga.

Tatiana stood by the side of the bed and conversed in a most amiable and formal manner with her little sick sister. Margaretta was rather surprised, and when the five minutes were up, told Tatiana she had to go back.

When she left the sick room, Tatiana exclaimed: "You told me you were bringing me to see Olga and I have not seen her." Miss Eagar told her that the little girl in bed was indeed her sister.

Tatiana cried with great grief:

"That little pale thin child is my dear sister Olga! Oh no, no! I cannot believe it!" She wept bitterly at the change, and it was difficult to comfort and persuade her that Olga would soon be herself again.

Oo

There was concern that Alexandra’s efforts to look after Olga would trigger a premature birth, but all was well.

On the 5th of June, or the 18th of June according to the new calendar, the cannon began to fire: 99… 100… 101…But the 102nd gun was never fired.

Alexandra had given birth to a fourth daughter. As usual, the child was born in the palace of Peterhof, by the sea of Finland, where all of the children, with the exception of Olga, had also been born.

When the doctor asked the Empress whether she wanted to hold her new daughter, a look of puzzlement crossed Alexandra´s face, revealing that the possibility hadn´t even crossed her mind.

Oo

The labor had been quick and without complications. There was no time for Nicholas´s mind to register any sort of disappointment. The Emperor and Empress secluded themselves in their room with the infant and discussed their feelings. 

Nicholas and Alexandra had another daughter, and for that, they were grateful. They did not look or act sad nor discouraged. Peacefulness and contentedness inhabited their big room, their little world.

Tatiana and Maria bonded over their shared love for the new baby as they laid in bed with their mother, father, and sister cozily. Almost two-year-old Maria was as affectionate as always, so their parents had to remind her to be careful while kissing the baby.

Nicholas and Alexandra gave their new daughter the name Anastasia during prayer. From the Greek anastasis, “Anastasia” means “resurrection”. This could be the most glorious name of all!

For us Russian Orthodox people, the name is heavily linked to the fourth-century martyr St. Anastasia, who had succored Christians imprisoned for their faith and was known as the “breaker of chains”.

In honor of both his new daughter and the saint she was named after, Nicholas ordered the release of students imprisoned in St Petersburg and Moscow for having rioted the previous winter.

Anastasia was not a usual name in the imperial family, but in naming her thus, Nicholas and Alexandra were perhaps expressing a profoundly held belief that everything was in God´s hands, that after pain and death we have been promised resurrection, that their sick daughter would recover if they prayed hard enough, and that maybe, someday, the Lord would answer their prayers. The Russian monarchy, and thus their troubled nation, might yet be resurrected, by the birth of a son.

Upon learning of the new baby´s sex, Philippe Nazier-Vachot told the imperial couple that his confusion had been a sign that the child was destined for greatness. This way, he would not be discarded by the Emperor and Empress for what is to me clear evidence of his charlatanry.

Anastasia´s loving parents, of course, believed Philippe. Strangely enough, despite knowing Philippe was just looking after his own interests, I do believe he was telling the truth. He really did see a boy when he had a vision of Anastasia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of especial for me because I finished it and posted it for the first time on my birthday, also Anastasia´s birthday (June 18 in the new style).  
> Also, the little scene where baby Olga meets her newborn sister Tatiana and asks funny questions is inspired by a very cute comic from an artist on instagram called blendedislandartist, who actually drew the cute moment in question.


	4. Four little cherubs, one on the way.

Moscow. July 17, 1918. Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

“My God! What a disappointment! A fourth girl!” Exclaimed Grand Duchess Xenia upon hearing of Anastasia´s birth.

It was June 1901. The Russian people and the extended imperial family were almost completely disillusioned.

“Forgive us, Lord, if we all felt disappointment instead of joy. We were so hoping for a boy, and it’s a fourth daughter”, wrote Grand Duke Konstantin, a grandson of Nicholas I.

The little girl´s birth had caused agitation in a nation still waiting for a boy. It did not take long for newspapers both in Russia and around the world to make sensationalist claims. Exaggerated remarks on the imperial couple´s disappointment were abundant, as well as completely false rumors of divorce.

“There is much rejoicing, although there is a popular undercurrent of disappointment, for a son had been most keenly hoped for”, a Daily Mail reporter wrote. “The legitimate hopes of the Tsar and Tsarina have so far been cruelly frustrated, whatever may be their private parental feelings be towards their four little daughters”.

But it was in Russia where the news of the fourth baby´s birth were met with the most superstitious resentment.

“We said so, didn’t we?!” French diplomat Maurice Paléologue reported. “The German, the nemka, has the evil eye. Thanks to her nefarious influence, our Emperor is doomed to catastrophe.”

For the Russian peasantry, it seemed clear by 1901 that the Empress was not beloved in heaven, or she would have given birth to a son already. God was angry at her, or so they said. I remember my mother herself exclaiming these things. I remember everyone agreeing.

Despite the contentment they experienced upon meeting Anastasia for the first time, the negativity coming from the outside world finally had its effect on Nicholas and Alexandra, making them experience an immense disappointment, a disappointment that, for the first time, the imperial couple was unable to conceal from other people, as much as they tried.

Oo

Nicholas and Alexandra loved their new daughter by virtue of her being their own flesh and blood, and the world´s reaction to her birth had made them both feel overly protective of the new baby. Her existence was still a blessing to them, and acknowledging it was not the same for some members of the extended family could make them extremely emotional.

“How cruel they are”, the Empress once said to her husband. They were on the balcony, and she was holding Anastasia. Nicholas and Alexandra had been watching Tatiana and Maria running up the stairs in Peterhof recently, giggling and holding each other´s hands.

“In one year, she will be playing with the other girlies”, Alexandra continued. “I am happy to have this child, and they don’t know what our friend Philippe said about her. She is special”.

“Yes Sunny”, Nicholas answered, leaning in to look at his daughter. “If God sent her to us, it is clear that it was for a purpose, she belonged in our family. I think she looks like you”.

“She does”, Alix agreed with pride, nodding. “Look at her pretty little features. I think she will be the most beautiful of them all.”

“We need to make sure people know she is as beloved as the other four”.

“It is outrageous that they don´t realize that already”, Alix lamented. “It is people always gossiping maliciously: ´look at that German woman who hasn´t managed to conceive a son´, never: ´congratulations, your Imperial Majesty, for giving Russia this beautiful family´.”

“It is indeed sad”, the Emperor agreed as he kissed Anastasia´s forehead. “Our four little cherubs will look so pretty in official pictures.”

“They already do, the recent official pictures are gorgeous. Our three little girls look like angels, especially Maria, and Olga and Tatiana are already so photogenic. They were so comfortable having their pictures taken together.”

The two parents smiled as they continued talking about their daughters.

“Oh, you won´t believe what Olga told me the other day she would do once she was well…” the Tsar would say, and he would tell his wife every single detail of what Olga had said this time, even the things that, in my opinion, weren´t that strange or uncommon for a five-year-old to say.

“She is so smart, Olga comes up with the strangest things”, Alix replied with a giggle. “And to think that because of those dreadful Pauline Laws…”

“We have talked about this sunny, they bring stability to the country.”

“By allowing any distant male Romanov to inherit in precedence of a legitimate daughter of the Tsar? This despite Russia´s greatest ruler having been Empress Catherine?” Alix spoke sternly. “My dear grandmother Queen Victoria, may she rest in peace, performed her duty just fine.”

“You are right sunny”, Nicholas conceded with a soft voice. “But things are as they are for a reason, it is God´s will, and having four healthy daughters is proof of how great His love is for us. We will simply have to see if we are luckier next time”. The color disappeared from Alexandra´s face upon hearing that last sentence.

“Do not worry sunny, we don´t have to hurry”, Nicholas said.

“So many pregnancies, I have the body of an old woman now…”

“Something that, if it were true, wouldn´t make me love you any less”.

Alix smiled, and her face acquired a healthy color again.

Oo

Wanting to show the world how proud he was of his fourth daughter, Nicholas ordered to have a christening more ostentatious than that of any of his three eldest daughters.

The christening took place two weeks after Anastasia´s birth and followed the same rituals as those of Olga, Tatiana, and Maria.

Anastasia was dressed in a beautiful white dress and baptized. Like her sisters before her, she was given a golden cross, one they were never supposed to take off, and of course, the order of St. Catherine. After this, the cannons boomed all the way from Peterhof back to the capital of St. Petersburg.

Poor Olga wasn´t able to attend her sister´s baptism, which would have been her first official ceremony. She was still very ill. The little girl was disappointed, but her sister Tatiana told her she would inform her about everything that happened.

Later that same day, Nicholas entertained his guests at lunch. Many guests went up to the supposedly happy father to present their felicitations. Nicholas´s features expressed nothing but fatherly love in front of his daughters and wife. In that lunch though, he looked different. I truly believe the possibility that a child of his would not succeed him had dawned on him.

For once, Nicholas was unable to hide his dismay in public, as much as he tried to present himself as calm around the people he had sought out to impress. Eventually, he gave up trying to keep the facade up.

“We must try again!” He lamented with a sad smile to one of the ambassadors.

Even though the daughters were deeply loved, none of their births had made the family whole. Nicholas and Alexandra acted as if they had failed every time, for their personal happiness was not the issue at stake.

As a normal woman, I am fortunate enough to consider one girl, our little Katya, as enough. She is the one we have been waiting for. It has been 5 years since she was born. My husband and I haven´t been able to have any more children yet, but we haven´t failed. Nicholas and Alexandra must have felt they had at times.

Oo

Olga´s recovery was a welcome distraction for Nicholas and Alexandra. After her illness, the five-year-old was up and running again with her four-year-old sister Tatiana, who was ecstatic to have her sister back. Tatiana had been suffering from longing.

Olga and Tatiana spent the first days after Olga´s recovery jumping while hugging. Olga, Tatiana, and Maria also started running up the stairs of the palace as a pastime, all while holding hands.

“Wait Tatya”, two-year-old Maria yelled at Tatiana one time. The three oldest Romanov girls had been indulging themselves in this pastime, but Maria couldn´t go as fast as her two older sisters. Olga and Tatiana let go of Maria´s hand and went even faster.

“Bye, bye stepsister”, Olga said as she turned around and waved her hand at her youngest sister.

Margatetta, who had been there to witness the whole scene, had to carry a very upset Maria upstairs.

Now that Olga was healthy, she continued playing with Tatiana as she always had, and sadly for Maria, this meant that Tatiana no longer wanted to play with her as much as she had done while Olga was sick.

Oo

By 1901, Olga Alexandrovna, Nicholas´s sister and aunt to Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia, was 19. She had been escorted to the theatre and opera by a distant cousin, Duke Peter Alexandrovich of Oldenburg, who was known for his passion for literature and gambling.

Peter asked for Olga to marry him the following year, a proposal that took the Grand Duchess completely by surprise. She was so startled that she said the first thing that came to her mind: “Thank you”.

Their engagement, announced in May 1901, was unexpected by family and friends alike, as Peter had shown no prior interest in women, and many assumed he was homosexual.

Nicholas was absolutely amused.

“They must have been drunk when they made the decision”, he once said.

In August 1901, Olga married 33-year-old Peter. After the celebration, the newlyweds left for the Oldenburg palace.

Olga spent her wedding night alone and in tears, probably wondering what she was thinking when she accepted. Her husband left for a gambling club.

Olga found comfort in her nieces and siblings, especially in Michael, who she had always been close to, and called “floppy”. Michael was one of the few people she could confide to the truth about her out-of-the-blue marriage. It was never consummated.

Oo

The early years of Nicholas´s reign were a period of glittering intellectual and cultural achievements. This included new ideas in politics, philosophy, science, music, and art.

In order to give ordinary Russians the opportunity to enjoy the best music and drama their nation had to offer, Nicholas commissioned a great building in St. Petersburg which included theaters, concert halls, and restaurants. All with relatively cheap tickets. The best orchestras, musicians, and leading actors would appear there. The place was known as the People's Palace. This, to me, is a small proof of the overall kindness and goodwill of the Tsar.

The common people who lived nearby and had the time probably appreciated it. I certainly would, had the place been built near my village, but living in a city for so many years has made me realize why most people working in factories for long hours, with maybe up to a dozen of mouths to feed, and not enough money to afford healthcare even after workplace accidents, weren´t too enthusiastic or ultimately appreciative about a theater.

For now, the antipathy of the working class was not in sight, not as it would be in less than five years. Nicholas was mostly oblivious to the degree that antipathy would grow.

Oo

Anastasia´s birth was a blessing to Maria, who at least now had a welcome distraction. While Olga and Tatiana played, two-year-old Maria watched over Anastasia as the nannies took care of her, or Alexandra nursed and rocked her. Maria would ask to be allowed to hold the baby, and she would, helped by the nurses. Nothing could have been more endearing than tiny two-tear-old Maria attempting to rock the newborn Anastasia while showering her with kisses, and giving “her baby”, as Maria called the newest member of the family, the sweetest lovesick smiles.

Maria acted like a little mother to her baby sister. She actually loved to pretend she was, but Maria also longed to play with her older sisters.

Olga and Tatiana played the most interesting games with the dolls and other toys in the nursery. They included Maria sometimes, but most often than not, they would exclude her.

Sometimes they would start playing dolls with Maria, only for the third girl to realize in the middle of the game that Olga and Tatiana were ignoring her. Poor Maria would never complain, look angry, or defend herself against her sisters. She looked up to them with an almost pathetic devotion, but that would eventually change.

One day, Olga and Tatiana made a house with chairs at one end of the nursery and shut out poor Maria once again, telling her she might be the footman, but that she should stay outside. Miss Eagar made another house at the other end for baby Anastasia, then a few months old, and Maria.

Maria could not help but long to play with her oldest sisters at the other end of the room, where the attractive activities were. She suddenly dashed across the room, rushed into the house, dealt each sister a slap in the face, and ran into the next room. After a while, she came back dressed in a doll's cloak and hat, and with her hands full of small toys.

"I won't be a footman, I'll be the kind, good aunt, who brings presents," Maria said. She then distributed her gifts, kissed her "nieces,” and sat down.

Olga and Tatiana looked at each other with shame in their eyes, and then Tatiana said: "We were too cruel to poor little Marie, and she really couldn't help beating us." They had learned their lesson, and from that day on, Maria became a constant playmate to her older sisters.

Olga and Tatiana stopped excluding Maria as often as they did, until their childish bullying became a thing of the past and the three girls turned inseparable. Anastasia would join them as soon as she was old enough to toddle.

Oo

It was soon clear that baby Anastasia would grow to become a precocious child. Maria had learned to love earlier than the others, but Anastasia had learned to laugh earlier, louder than the others. She would laugh at the slightest attempt by her father and mother to make her do it. Her laughter contrasted sharply with Maria´s sweet smiles and moderate giggles.

As good and sweet as she was, it was now clear that Maria was very human. One day, the little girl was with her sisters in the mauve room, a cozy boudoir where the family was often together whenever none of them were working or doing schoolwork. Nicholas and Alexandra were having tea. The Empress had tiny vanilla-flavored wafers on the tea table, of which the children were particularly fond, but they were not allowed to ask for anything.

The Empress went for Miss Eagar, and when she arrived, there were no more wafers left. Little Marie was standing in the middle of the room, her eyes drowned in tears as she swallowed something.

"There! I've eaten it all up," she exclaimed, "you can´t eat it now!" Margaretta was shocked, and suggested bed at once as a suitable punishment.

"Very well, take her," Alexandra responded, but the Emperor intervened and begged that she might be allowed to remain.

“I was always afraid of the wings growing”, Nicholas said, referring to Maria, “and I am glad to see she is only a human child."

Oo

One of the first games the four girls played together consisted of pretending to be “mommies”. Olga would be Tatiana´s, and Maria would be baby Anastasia´s. The entire game was planned by Olga, of course, her mind was quick to notice she and her sisters could be paired. Soon enough, the four would become great friends, although neither Maria nor Anastasia would remember the exact moment it happened. It was almost like the four were born perfectly blended together.

Olga was as lively and witty as always. She used to run around the corridors and talk to the guards. They usually didn´t talk back, but they were amused by the child, who asked them questions about their families and where they were from. Tatiana didn´t make as many comments, but was devoted to her mother and nannies, always affectionate and wanting to please.

The four girls were their mother´s pride and joy. Alexandra never seemed to be anything but overjoyed whenever she spent time with her daughters, but in private, especially with her husband, her inner feelings manifested. She was worried.

About three months after the birth of Anastasia, Nicholas and Alexandra visited the new French president, Emile Loubet. There was an air of melancholy in Alexandra. She seemed markedly withdrawn. She looked beautiful, as usual, dressed in white and wearing gorgeous jewels, mostly pearls, and diamonds, from ears to waist. But she wore them without joy. The French found the somber Russian Empress hard to like.

I think her apparent sadness was just a reflection of her being a mother of girls only, in a role where boys were most needed. Not only did she look somber at France, she couldn´t help but carry her jealousy and longing for a son show anywhere.

“Do you have children?” Alexandra would ask the ladies presented to her at court, only for sadness to descend upon her features whenever the lady in question replied as she curtsied: “A son, Your Majesty.” The Empress would try to smile, but her smile would appear sad and pathetic, false even, which made some of the ladies dislike her even more.

She would become especially sad and anxious whenever Xenia gave birth, as always, to another boy, or she spent time with her nephews, and her expression was serious and mournful whenever she visited orphanages and saw the little boys running around. Nicholas didn´t fare much better.

“Nicholas would part with half his Empire in exchange for one imperial boy”, remarked the travel writer Burton Holmes that year, wondering: “Will one of the dear little duchesses someday ascend the throne of Catherine the Great?”

Despite not having a son yet, Nicholas, but especially Alexandra, had not lost faith in their friend Philippe. Philippe calmed their fears with his ´spiritual´ advice.

“Alix, I received a powerful vision on my way here,” he informed the Empress. “There was a great wave of trouble throughout Russia, a huge storm, fire creating a huge cloud of smoke in the sea, death, tears... but your child, your boy, made Russia rejoice for a moment, helped the sovereign confront the trials to come. Do not worry, enjoy your little daughters, a son is coming. He is already on his way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get to Alexei´s birth for his birthday today, but I have been way too busy :(  
> The foreshadow of his birth will have to do for now.


	5. Lily.

St. Petersburg. September 10, 1901.

Sophia Petrovna Malevsky.

Today it is the day of my wedding, and I don´t know how to feel about it. Count Alexander Pavlovich Malevitch is a wealthy man, with a beautiful state in the Crimea where I could have all the freedom to arrange parties, invite all of my friends, and dress in the latest French fashions. He is also incredibly dull-looking. His receding hairline doesn´t hide the fact he is 15 years older than me. His personality and topics of interest match his looks. He only talks about the lives of the peasants, or agriculture, and there isn´t anything I could be less attracted by.

I look at myself in the mirror and remember why I agreed to this match. I have always been considered the prettiest of my father´s daughters, and marrying such a rich man does have its benefits. I look more beautiful than ever.

My diamond tiara is bigger than the one I used at my coming out ball, six years ago, when I turned 16. My lace-covered white wedding dress, reaching the top of my neck, makes the part of my body I am proudest of look longer than it already is. The skirt around my legs, falling to the floor like the foam of a waterfall, is long enough for Polina, my four-year-old niece, to hide under it. My bright red hair is pinned up in a bun, from where my long transparent veil falls.

“You are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen!” Polina gushes as she clasps her tiny hands together and puts them next to her head. She just appeared from her hiding place under my dress. My niece has witnessed with quite charming enthusiasm the way my ladies have prepared me for the wedding.

“Wait about 16 years more, my darling,” I say as I bend over to pinch one of her cheeks. If I weren´t wearing such an expensive dress, I would have already carried and spun her around. “I am sure you will be an even lovelier one”, I tell her.

“Are you ready?” Bogdana, my older sister, asks as she opens the door. She probably saw my hairdresser leave minutes ago. I can hear her gasp in awe when she sees me, something rare for her. Fancy things don´t usually impress her.

“I guess”, I respond with a smile, and without thinking. I am not ready. I need like a thousand years to think about this if it is possible. Still I walk out of my room with Bogdana, and her daughter Polina follows me.

“Are you happy?” Bogdana asks with genuine concern. She can detect my ambivalence somehow.

“Not everyone is as sentimental as you, Dana”, I answer with a smile as I roll my eyes. “You are married to a monk, so your concern is ridiculous”. Bogdana rolls her own eyes.

We go down the stairs and travel the endless corridors of our mansion until we step into our huge living room, where Bogdana and I meet our parents.

Mama gasps when she sees me as well. She looks like she is about to cry. Papa, amusingly more so.

My friends, dressed in pink bridesmaid dresses similar to my own wedding dress, wait for me and cheer when they see me. The carriage must also be on its way. I give a wink to my friends but go straight to mama and papa.

I try to be my usual cheerful self as my parents tell me how proud they are and how much they love me. How much this means to our family.

There is no way out, how could there be? Everyone is so excited. The only one of the three Malevsky daughters with a good marriage, a marriage to a wealthy man who will save papa´s decaying state after he lost half of his money investing it in a scam, a scam that wouldn´t have been successful if I hadn´t helped the scammer. A marriage so needed in a family with no sons.

“You look beautiful, my dear”, mama says as she kisses my cheeks. No trace of her usual bad mood is left in her wrinkles, no inherent disappointment in my existence. It is the first time I feel like she is proud of me. I accept her affection wholeheartedly.

I hug my father for longer than I should, I feel so guilty still.

“My dear Lily”, he says.

Lily. The way my entire family calls me. I really don´t know how or when it started, maybe when my now-deceased maternal grandmother gave me a beautiful book about types of flowers on my name day. I was younger than five then, and I remember gushing about the drawing of the lily to everyone who would listen. It is not the meaning of the lily I cared about, it was its beauty. I have always been slightly shallow, something I don´t hide from myself, but I do try to hide from everyone else.

My father though, does care about the meaning. He once told me lilies are associated with purity, passion, and rebirth. He put special emphasis on purity, something my father claims is special about me because of the way I am always eager to help others, even more than Bogdana.

I don´t particularly agree with any of this. I usually help others to get them to like me, but I would never try to refute what my beloved father loves most about me.

Papa probably puts emphasis on purity for another reason as well, a reason that is almost a given for any proper unmarried lady. I pray he never finds out I am not some pure lily anymore. Although I can´t say my mother finding out wouldn´t be fun. If me mentioning my stockings at dinner makes her fume, I can´t even imagine how she would react upon finding out what really went on that night.

“He is a good man, you will see,” papa says. “And his family has many boyar nobles for ancestors, just like ours”. He gives Bogdana a slightly stern look, but it comes off more like a playful family joke. Most of the shock and sadness Bogdana´s marriage caused my parents have been gone for a while, but the fact I am not following her path still gives him immense pleasure.

If this makes mama and papa happy then so be it. I can learn to enjoy it as well.

Oo

The day goes on as planned. Most of my nervousness and doubts disappear when I get into my carriage, which is decorated with lilies, as the venue will be.

The ceremony is running smoothly so far, despite me usually feeling ambivalent about church services. It is not that I don´t love God, or pray whenever I am in trouble, something my mother despises, it is just that I usually find church services boring. ´You shouldn´t only pray when you need God´s help, you should pray to become closer to him´ that is what my mother would say. I know, I know. Get out of my head, mama. 

I just have never been as pious as my parents, or Bogdana. Bogdana married a simple lawyer just because she claimed he was the most pious man she had ever met. Needless to say, not even my deeply religious parents liked the idea of their precious Bogdana, their most obedient daughter, marrying a man with no title. It was a huge scandal among our distant relatives, almost as big as the one with Evgeniya before. My father almost disowned Bogdana like he did with Evgeniya. Lucky for Bogdana, she is my mother´s favorite, and marrying my brother-in-law seems to be the first thing she has ever done wrong.

It is strange how much mama cares about helping the poor as God commands, but when it comes to marriage, seeing the average man as worthy enough to wed or sometimes even befriend suddenly becomes an appalling idea, a worse sin than even my own idleness is in her eyes.

Unfortunately for Evgeniya, deciding to remain unmarried wasn´t the first of her ´crimes´, according to mother. The first one was attending a university, something father indulged, considering it a simple phase. Evgeniya was still young after all, and she had always been the smart one.

Mama didn´t like it one bit though.

“University?” She would spit at my sister. “What a waste of time! What in heavens for?”

Then came the bad influence, the forbidden literature, and the reunions with unruly classmates. I was a small child when I heard Evgenia fighting with my mother. I had never heard mother sound so furious, not even when I started acting like… well, myself. Apparently, Evgenia had been reading a book written by a ´fat and ugly bearded German Jew´, as mother called him, more than she had been reading the bible. I never heard mother speak to Evgenia again after the latter answered that it was possible the book she was reading held as much truth as the bible. Mother didn´t even accept Evgenia´s apology.

Added to that were previous years of rebellion. Ever since father disowned Evgenia, mother has been gathering tons of so-called evidence that my sister has always been the worst daughter, compiling memories and sharing with her friends all the times her oldest misbehaved since she was a toddler, going as far as claiming Evgeniya cried more than either me or Bogdana did when we were born.

I don´t think Evgeniya misbehaved any more than Bodgana or I did when we were children. I remember playing with her, I remember how nice she was.

I don´t even think Evgeniya drank, flirted, and gossiped at balls as much as I do now, much to mother´s dismay. According to Bogdana, who misses our sister like crazy, Evgeniya hated much of the same stuff mother hates about high society. Mother is simply trying to find an explanation as to what happened. What could have possibly led a well-bred woman like Evgeniya to become a fallen woman?

At the very least, Evgeniya won´t have to spend the rest of her life with a man she is not attracted to in the slightest, and she will get to have as many lovers as she pleases without even needing to hide it.

I take a glimpse at my future husband and try to find something attractive about his features, anything. I just end up discovering an ugly wart on the lower part of his chin that I hadn´t seen before. It is not easily seen unless he raises his head slightly.

Oo

The litany has ended and it is time to put on the rings that have just been blessed by the priest, but the only thing I can think about is my husband´s wart, and my beautiful and smooth pale skin having to touch that thing.

I must look upset, or have been distracted, because I have to be reminded by the priest to extend my right hand. My almost-husband looks concerned as well. I can´t help but think he should know by now how ugly that distracting feature looks on him and let out a chuckle.

I just chuckled in the middle of my wedding ceremony. I hope no one notices but the priest and Count Malevitch, who clearly did. Mama will not let me leave for my honeymoon without giving me hell for this first.

The time for the coronation comes. This is pleasing enough for me to forget about the wart. Those crowns are beautiful, so ever since I was a child I longed for this moment.

We are led by the priest into the center of the church, where we stand in a rose-colored fabric. It is time to profess we come here on our own free will. I chuckle again when it is done, this time more loudly. By the time everyone is looking at me I have forced my face back into a serious expression. The priest pretends not to notice, but I can tell he is silently praying for God to give him the strength not to kick the bride out of the church. He says a few more prayers, and our witnesses place the red and golden crowns over me and Alexander´s heads.

More prayers follow, and then Alexander and I drink from the common cup of wine. This reminds me of the wart again. I almost gag. Then I notice the other imperfections. Too old, too thin, almost no hair. The kindest of my feelings for him is pity.

The priest wraps his stole around me and the Count´s hands. It is too tight. We are led, followed by the attendants who are still holding our crowns, three times around the analogion, the stand on which icons and the Gospel Book are placed for veneration.

This is too much. This means too much and he means too little. I try not to think about it. I don´t care about the meaning. Instead, I focus on the beauty of the church around me. I focus on the style in which the icons are painted.

O

I don´t even realize when it is that we are dismissed. The crowns are no longer over our heads. We are man and wife.

It was a relief to see the venue for the first time. My father didn´t place a limit on the price of this wedding. He knew he would recover any money spent soon.

The mansion where I will be living for most of the year is beautiful, the decoration sure makes it even more idyllic. Red and gold tablecloths adorn each round table of the ballroom. A marble vase sits on top of each table, and inside those, different yet matching flower arrangements have been put in place.

I suppress the urge to explore other places in the mansion. My own home is small in comparison to this. Any doubt or regret I may have had vanishes. This is beautiful.

I am supposed to sit with my new husband, but I really want to go with my friends. My husband doesn´t seem interested in where I sit, either way. He has other guests to attend, and he is already talking to them. Most are other dull men like him. I am guessing some are members of the aristocracy, others, simply rich entrepreneurs.

I am on my way to the table where two of my friends, Maria and Elizaveta, are sitting, when my mother gets in my way.

“What do you think you are doing?” She asks with her usual tone as she grabs my hand roughly, although it probably looks gentle from afar.

“I am going to talk with my friends”, I answer.

“And what exactly for? Don´t you see you are not a little girl anymore? You have to greet all the guests, and you have a husband you haven´t talked to since the ceremony!” She directs her gaze at the Count.

The excitement of the morning before the wedding has passed. She is no longer proud of me, it appears.

“I have already greeted some of them, and Alexander is talking to his own guests himself mama”, I say, trying not to sound whinny. “This is the last night I will have with my friends before I go on my honeymoon”.

“I have already heard people talking, Lily!” Mama exclaims in a whisper. “First bursting into laughter at church and now this…”

“I wasn´t laughing”, I whisper as well. “It was just a chuckle, I remembered a joke Miss Alexandrova told me earlier”. It is a good excuse, our maid is always cracking good jokes, and even my insufferable mother laughs at them sometimes.

“Why are you doing this, Lily? Why do you always have to be the center of attention? If it were at least a good kind of attention and not the type that made us uninvited to any future events at court”.

That subject again, she will never forgive me for that. If she knew the whole truth she would hate me ten times more than she hates me now.

“It is not my fault that haughty Empress is so hard to please, who could have thought she would get so angry over a simple dress”, I mutter.

“It was more than that and you know that, you could have almost ruined all of your marriage prospects!”

“I wish I had!” I yell this time without thinking. I see my mother´s hand move, but she stops herself. It is clear she meant to slap me, but there were some people looking at us already. She didn´t want to make it worse.

Tears form, but I am too proud to cry over her. I use all my strength to untangle her hand from my arm and go to my friends. She doesn´t say anything, she won´t apologize or follow me. She can´t cause another scandal, of course. I will never forgive her for this.

Since more of my friends are now sitting with Maria and Elizabeta, occupying all the seats, I ask one of the waiters to bring me a chair. I am not spending this evening having dinner with my new ugly husband.

“What was that, Lily?” Elizaveta asks, she had witnessed the whole scene.

“What did the witch do now?” Maria follows, this won´t be the first time I pour out all of my frustrations onto her.

“Ugh, the same as always, fun is for the devil and all that rubbish”, I answer.

Most of the pain in my heart disappears as I start gossiping and making jokes with my friends. We can finally talk more freely about our gowns, about the jewels they are wearing. They all look so radiant. We ask the photographers to take pictures of us together. I think I end up having more pictures with them than with my husband.

We also take a look at the unknown guests my husband has brought. We comment and guess who is the richest, which one we consider the most handsome, and all that stuff.

I can´t wait to be able to talk to those men once I am free. My mother won´t be invited to any of my parties or balls. That is for sure. I will find a way to visit my father and spend as little time with my mother as necessary.

The food is too delicious to describe. Caviar, salmon, grilled meat, red wine, pastries, and pudding.

My new husband surprises me with a giant diamond ring, bigger than the one that sealed our compromise. I put on a show and pay attention to the Count for the first time. I could stare at the ring for hours, but I also enjoy dancing with Alexander. He might not be attractive, but he is a good dancer. Maybe I can grow to like him.

By the end of the night, I feel as if I have married a lifestyle, not really a man. And how could I ever come to regret this lifestyle? Love doesn´t taste good, it isn´t as gorgeous as a diamond ring or a ballroom, it isn´t the sound of a polonaise or the comfort of a warm bed.

After hours of dancing, me and my friends sit back down and keep talking.

“What is that story about your family being kicked out of court anyway?” Maria blurts out.

“Oh, it is not that we were kicked out, we simply have never been invited back to any events at the Winter Palace and such”, I respond. “We don´t know why anyways, Countess Irina has no proof it was because of me.” I refer to my mother by her first name whenever I am angry at her.

“Oh, it was because of you Lily”, Elizabeta says. “Go on, tell them the story like you told me, half of St. Petersburg already knows anyways”. My other friends nod, tease me, and insist, so I look around to make sure other people are not incredibly focused on what the bride is saying, and I begin.

“Well, I will indulge you”, my friends move their seats to get closer. Half of them already suspect what the rumor is about, but I know most of these girls won´t consider it a bad thing, but something exciting to be celebrated. “It was about 4 years ago, I remember because I had just turned 18… no, wait, I was about to turn 19 because I remember mother punished me by not allowing me to have any friends come over for my birthday”, I begin. “It was after my name day, of that I am sure, because I was celebrated as always.”

“Oh, who cares, Lily!” One of my childhood friends exclaims. “What happened?”

“Well, it was the Winter Season of 1897, my first time wearing a brand new ball gown ever since I got my first one for my coming out ball at 16”, I explain. “You know my parents are not amongst the wealthiest of high society, lucky for me, my new husband is”. All of my friends burst into giggles.

“I swear I have never liked a dress more than I liked that one. It was white, and decorated with dark blue roses”, I continue.

“It was especially flowered around the cleavage”, Elizabeta adds for me. “She once borrowed it to me.”

“I saw it”, Maria comments. “It is gorgeous”.

“Oh, not only that, the cleavage was low”, I say. “It looked especially good on me, I must say, since I am especially well endowed, but it did not show much more than the dresses other women were wearing. Not even mama protested when she saw me wearing it for the first time, in fact, she had been there when I was trying it on in front of the dressmaker, who asked us if it needed any adjustments. Mama said no.”

“Irina always blames her daughters whenever something goes wrong”, Elizabeta tells our other friends.

“Tell me about it”, I say. “Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes. My family was going to a ball at the Winter Palace. It wasn´t my first time there, I had been going since I was 16, but my other dress elegant enough to be worn on such occasions was way more modest. The new one was more beautiful though, and it looked even better with my earrings, necklaces, and my tiny diamond tiara. It is not the one I am wearing now, clearly”. I point to my head and my friends laugh. The tiara I am wearing now is of considerable size, but I am proud of how wealthy it makes me look.

“Turns out the Empress didn´t like my dress, not that she even had the courtesy to say it to my face. It is pretty much impossible for anyone to talk to her. She clearly thinks anyone lower than a Grand Duke is beneath her station”, I tell them.

“I have heard the same”, one of my friends, who is a princess, says. “My mother says she never talks to anyone and likes to leave early. I have never seen the Empress with my own eyes, because she hasn’t been there in any of the balls I have assisted, but mother says Maria Feodorovna was much friendlier. If only we could get her back as the Empress”.

“Sadly that is not how it works, because this Empress acts as if everyone were inferior”, I say. “I don´t think she even knows how to smile. I swear I never saw her smile any of the times I managed to get a glimpse of her, and that day, as I was telling you, she sent one of her ladies to tell me that what I was wearing was not considered proper in whatever farm she comes from”.

“Which is nonsense”, Maria sympathizes with me. “Everyone dresses like that, it is not your fault that nature blessed you more than the others”. She says the last sentence playfully.

“Of course not”, I say with a smile as I raise my eyebrow. “Do you know what I did? I told the lady that in Russia we _do_ wear our dresses this way, and I lowered my dress even further”. I act out the scene in front of my friends as I say these last words, and we all have a good time laughing and joking about it. Some of my friends try to imagine and act out the way the Empress would have reacted had she witnessed it.

“So that is how my family was taken off the list”, I finish. “But who cares, there is always Empress Miechen´s court!”

“Oh, but that is not all Lily, tell us about what happened after with the young man you met”, Elizabeta teases me, all of my friends´ eyes turn towards me.

I can´t believe I told Elizabeta everything. What happened that night is already a scandal, and it is not even half the truth. I don´t want it to grow out of proportion by needlessly talking about it to everyone. I thought Elizabeta understood. I give her a stern look, long enough for her to get the message, short enough so that none of my other friends notice.

“It was nothing, he was too far beneath me”, I answer. “After sneaking out of the palace, we went on a romantic tour through St. Petersburg together in a carriage. We walked under the moon and watched our reflections in the Neva River, then we sat in the park, and by the time we finished talking, it was already the morning after. My parents had been looking for me so many hours that it almost killed mama”.

My friends are fascinated with the story. I bet none of them have ever even talked with a man, except for relatives, without a chaperon. They ask me questions about that night, and about the strange man. I answer with half-truths until the conversation moves on to another subject.

Oo

The truth is that despite my cheeky reaction, the lady´s comment hurt my pride a bit, enough to make me sit down for a while in one of the red and gold pieces of furniture. That is when I saw Vladimir for the first time.

At first, there was nothing unusual about him. He was dressed in an elegant uniform. Dark blue tights, black boots, and golden stripes just like many of the other men. He looked about 6 years older than me, and oh, was he handsome!

Tall, but with huge muscles to disguise his height. Light brown hair and eyes, an elegant mustache, and an intense glare directed only at me, not at any other lady present that night. His interest didn’t impress me at first, many of the other men also looked at me that way, but his gaze never wavered, so I decided to give him a smile as a reward. Now I wish I hadn´t done that.

He walked towards me, still smiling of course.

“Why so lonely, princess?” He said to me. It was a very strange way of introducing himself. I couldn´t help but frown. I should have known at that moment. There were so many clues. He stayed away from other people, for the most part, and his knowledge of court protocol was clumsy at best.

“Princess?” I ask. “I am not a princess, I am the daughter of Count Malevsky”.

“I happen to be a count myself!” He exclaimed. “Count Vladimir Ozerov, at your service”.

He introduced himself by bowing, putting a hand over his stomach, and extending the other as if he were a magician finishing his show, which made me giggle. His smile never left his lips, but it had changed, now it was clearly seductive in intent. It was a half-smile. I thought he really was a count, maybe an eccentric one, but a count.

“If you are not a princess, how about a rose?” He continued. “How is a rose as beautiful as yourself not dancing? How is it that no one has asked you to dance?”

“I have been asked to dance”, I explained, a little bit defensively. “I just don´t wish to”.

“How can that be? Who has hurt my precious flower?”

I raised my eyebrows in amazement.

“Precious flower? I am afraid I understand your intentions sir, and you will not get what you desire tonight, but if there is a small part of your heart that cares for my grievances, I will confess that one of the ladies has gravely injured my pride with what I consider an unkind comment.” 

By the time I finished talking, my expressions matched my feelings, and Vladimir sat next to me. He really convinced me that he cared, that whatever it was that he was actually seeking, there was a part of his heart won over by concern.

“What is your name?” He asked with a different voice, one that left out any sign of pretentiousness, one that melted my heart before I even realized it.

“Lily”, I answered. Not my real name, but could as well be. Later I would discover Vladimir may have lied about his own name as well. I don´t know who the man who stole my heart actually is.

“Lily”, he repeated with a smile. “That name is perfect for you. Tell me, what did the lady say?” I explained to him what had just happened, not even leaving out the way I had lowered my dress even further out of spite. Now I realize I let him know everything about me. I opened up my soul, but he never let me know who he really was.

“But dear!” He exclaimed with unashamed familiarity. “Haven´t you seen how everyone else looks at you! This is the least of your worries!”

“Previously, I had only received compliments about my gown from all sorts of princes, dukes, and other people of renown, but how could it matter if the Empress herself didn´t like it?” He took my right hand, which was covered by a long white glove, and kissed it. I let him do it of course.

“I like you”, he told me, and then he whispered something to my ear: “And how could the opinion of the Empress matter if nobody likes her?”

I had been won over, something that continued to keep me from seeing the truth when we started dancing. How could a count be so ignorant about the proper steps? I made him improve though, and he was an unusually fast learner.

Only a command to his ear was enough to correct him, or a seductive half-smile that would soon become our sign. By the time we danced our last piece together, I can proudly say he had learned to do it just as well as any other aristocrat in the ballroom.

We danced for a long time, which sealed my infatuation. Damn me! I should have never danced. I was completely at his mercy after that.

He led me out of the palace for a ´romantic adventure´, which was just like I told my friends. I tried to protest at first, but it was useless. He kept showering me with unwavering warmth and affection, complimented my small nose, my skin, my blue eyes, and my red hair, treated me as if I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, the only girl in the world worth a damn. My pride had reached sky levels, and he had promised me he would talk to my father about a possible marriage.

I wanted to go so badly. I know now that this man was probably a serial seducer. He knew just what to say, which exact pretty words to use to get me to go with him. With my family, I was just the pure Lily that my father loved but didn´t quite know. For mother, I was the daughter that was never good enough no matter what she did and yet also the family´s last hope, upon which its entire legacy rested. Both at the same time.

With Vladimir, I was a goddess. A free-spirited creature _and_ an innocent flower to be cherished. To be showered with gifts, compliments, and protected all at the same time.

I knew my parents would be looking for me, I knew I would cause a scandal, and I didn´t care. This was the main reason my family was excluded from further events. The mere rumor must have made the Empress antipathetic to me and my parents. My sisters´ stories must not have helped the situation.

Vladimir and I talked a lot about the imperial family after that as we walked through the streets and parks of Petersburg beside the river. I told him all I knew about them. I have many relatives who have met Grand Dukes and Duchesses. He told me he had met some of them as well. I don´t know if that is true, but he did have interesting facts on them.

“Very little people know much about the Empress”, Vladimir said. “She mostly sticks to her daughters and husband, which only makes me feel more curious about her”.

“She must have a very boring life anyways”, I respond. “Doesn´t find joy in anything and her only purpose in life is to produce a son. Not even that can she do.”

“Didn´t you feel injured by her dislike for your dress?” Vladimir teased.

“Not anymore”, I answered with a smile as I stopped walking, and he followed suit. “You liked it”.

That is when he slowly bent over to kiss me.

The rest of the night was one of pleasure and broken convictions. He rented a room in a very luxurious hotel for one night, and I am not ashamed to say I don´t regret what happened there. I don´t regret the sinful physical bliss itself, further proof he was a serial seducer. I do regret how much trust I placed in him, how stupid his affections made me. I became a completely different person, like a beggar with a sign saying: “I will do anything for love”.

I talked to him about my life, about my fancy tastes, about my family, my parents, and sisters. I talked about my poor father, about his state and new business. 

I talked about my father´s interest in investment, what he was planning to invest in, the things he feared when it came to investment, what exactly would convince him to invest. I always loved talking to my father about such things. Papa once said that, had I been born a man, I could have been an excellent businessman. He sure does like to exaggerate. I like listening, but thinking seriously about such matters would be a bore.

Before parting ways, Vladimir told me our story had just begun, that my love for adventure was what had made him fall for me, that he would take me with him to Paris one day, but for now, he was going go alone to visit some French relatives. He was parting in a week. To visit relatives? More like escape justice! This I know now!

Early the next morning, before the sun was up and while my poor worried parents were still looking for me, I took a carriage with some money Vladimir gave me and went straight to my house. I entered through the servants´ quarters and asked Miss Alexandrova to help me make up a cover story.

When my parents were back, I told them I had returned home early because I was feeling indisposed. This, of course, didn´t appease their anger. They had almost died of uncertainty. It was my fault and I am not proud of it.

The damage had been done to my reputation even with my cover story, and either way, I had to tell my parents half of the truth when, not even two weeks later, I heard my father´s outraged complaints.

Papa was downstairs, I was in my room. His loud voice could be heard all over the mansion. He had received notice that the savings recently invested had been lost, for the enterprise in question didn´t exist.

Father had been a victim of fraud. He had lost a good portion of his money, our family´s money, which wasn´t much to begin with in comparison to other families of similar renown.

After papa described to me, with tears in his eyes, the appearance of the perpetrator and told me he had seen him at court, I knew I had to tell him, and so I did. I told him I had been with that man the night of the ball, even if I couldn´t confess I had shared a bed with him.

The police also had to be told. Inquiries were made with the bank, but my father couldn’t get any of his money back. Vladimir had covered his tracks.

I told the police his probably fake name, I told them he was a count. The guest list for the event where I met him was checked and re-checked. There was no Vladimir Ozerov on the list. In fact, there was no Count Vladimir Ozerov at all. Vladimir Ozerov didn´t exist, and if he did, he was definitely no count.

I had been played for a fool. I had been made to believe I had elicited feelings in this man and it turns out he only wanted to see what he could get out of me.

I thought I was special, that we had something special, maybe only for one night or a few months, but nevertheless special. That it could turn into more, maybe even marriage, if not through the usual path.

But that was four years ago, it is done. I cannot undo what happened because of my foolish trust in that shameless yet seductive impostor. The past is the past, and right now, the night is almost over.

Oo

My husband wastes no time once the guests are gone.

I tried to be complacent and put on a good act. I don´t think my husband suspected how unbearable it was for me to consummate the marriage. I smiled and reassured him at all times, not forgetting to act a bit shy every now and then. The night ends up being a disgusting mess still, at least for me. I even surprised myself by hiding my face under the pillow in order to cry after we were done. I really thought that, since it was not going to be my first time, this part would be easy. He wasn´t even mean or anything. My poor ugly husband was a true gentleman.

I really hope he sets his eyes on another woman soon. I can act like the loving oblivious wife, I just can´t pretend not to be disgusted by that wart for much longer.

It doesn´t matter. Women like me have lovers all the time. I will find a way to feel like I felt with Vladimir someday, and I will live a comfortable and luxurious life, which is something that will never change.

I close my eyes and think of the balls I will be hosting, of the sailing I will do in the Crimea, of the expensive dolls and other presents I will give to my niece… or nieces. Bogdana might still have more children. I think of how much I will gossip with my friends now that my mother, so similar to that haughty Empress, won´t be there to scold me.

In the morning, several prominent newspapers will be mentioning the marriage of Count Malevsky´s youngest daughter to Count Malevitch, and how instead of taking his last name, she is now Sophia Petrovna Malevsky-Malevich, which is the name her son will have in order to preserve the Malevsky name, and the Malevich name for that matter.

My parents just assume I will have a son, as if it were impossible for me to give birth to daughters exclusively as the Empress has so far. I consider it likely that I will only have girls, and I secretly hope for it. Boys are rowdy savages most of the time, and I couldn´t bear it if one of my sons ended up being like Vladimir. Girls are usually sweet little creatures, easier to raise. I don´t understand how my mother could never appreciate that.

My father is the last male descendant of our family, and he was desperate enough to beg my husband to hyphenate out last names, so the Malevsky surname doesn´t disappear. It is clear that we Malevskys don´t have a talent for producing sons.


	6. The Mauve Room.

The Alexander Palace, Tsarskoe Selo. Winter, 1901.

Alexandra Feodorovna Romanova.

My most innocent daughter, my happiest baby with the sweet lovesick smiles, Maria. Miss Eagar told me everything.

Maria was looking out of the window at a regiment of soldiers marching past, and exclaimed: "Oh! I love these dear soldiers, I should like to kiss them all!"

Of course Miss Eagar explained to her that nice little girls don´t kiss soldiers.

A few days afterwards we had a children's party, and the children of Grand Duke Konstantin were amongst the guests. One of them, having reached twelve years of age, was now a Cadet, and came in his uniform. He wanted to kiss his little cousin, but my baby put her hand over her mouth and drew back from the embrace.

"Go away, soldier," she expressed, with great dignity. "I don't kiss soldiers." The child was greatly delighted at being taken for a real soldier.

I am very pleased with Miss Eagar. Last September, a few months after my precious Anastasia was born, we visited Denmark for a gathering with some family members, like my sister Victoria, her husband Louis of Battenberg, and children Alice, Louise, George, and Louis. I was so glad to see them.

Uncle Bertie and Queen Alexandra were there, and when they made a visit to the nurseries, Alexandra congratulated Miss Eagar, for she had prepared beautiful dresses for my daughters when she was informed the King and Queen of England were visiting.

Alexandra told me my daughters are always so nicely dressed and kept, and my motherly pride reached immodest levels.

We spent October in Poland, at our hunting lodge in Spala, where I became so thankful for my little girls, and amazed by the grace and mercy of our Lord, even as He sends us trials. It all happens for a reason, to make us better.

On the way to Spala, the train in which my little girls and Miss Eagar traveled went off at an immense speed. I was later told that they went desperately sick from the rocking. My poor children were terrified. Olga later told me how she and Tatiana had clung to each other, cried, but later set aside their fear to comfort poor little Maria, who was even more frightened, by praying and then singing a hymn with her while Miss Eagar went to see the engineer and ask him to slow down. It was Olga´s idea, or so Tatiana told me.

My oldest is becoming such a brave and compassionate little girl, passionately devoted to our Savior. She is only six now, but I think she already has the maturity for confession, she certainly understands its meaning, even though she won´t be able to confess her sins until she is seven.

I have always worked to make my children, above all, good little Christian soldiers fighting for our Savior, and it seems that my big Olga in particular is fulfilling my expectations, although Tatiana never disappoints either.

I congratulated both Olga and Tatiana as soon as I learned about what they had done, telling them that they always had to protect their little sisters, and I was proud of them for doing so.

And yet Olga delighted me once more when she said to me: “Mama, we were silly to be so afraid, God was with us, right?” Oh, how I felt!

The train moved as if it could topple over. The poor servants were on their knees praying as well. Everyone was upset.

With great difficulty Miss Eagar made her way to the engineer and begged him to reduce the speed. He was very sorry, said he had no idea that the results of going at such a pace would be so frightful, but that he could not now reduce the speed, as the risk of running into other traffic was too great.

For nearly four hours the train rushed up and down in the darkness, through Germany.

Fortunately, Miss Eagar managed to get the children to go to bed. She is so good with them, and they do trust her. They slept, poor little babies, all despite being worn out by the fright and crying.

Both of Miss Eagar´s elbows were bruised and sore by the time the train reached its destination. Her face had suffered too, from being dashed against the furniture and falling on the floor.

Nicky and I were greatly shocked by what had happened. My husband fumed when he heard. He hugged each of our baby girls protectively and then confessed to me later that day in our room about how much the incident had reminded him of that horrible day when the train in which he and his family traveled derailed. His beloved little sister Olga, five or six at the time, yelled with terror that they were going to be killed.

It was terrible for my Nicky to imagine our little girls in a similar state. They are always so happy and lively, playing or walking with their papa in the garden any time he is free. Running, hiding, catching each other, being thrown in the air and yelling, then being caught by their papa. It stops my heart for a few seconds whenever I witness it. My heart is rarely well enough for such antics, but when it is, and I can play with then, I feel closer to God than any other time except for church.

A little girl born the same day as Maria was also lost in the forest during that journey. She was the youngest child of one of the forest keepers in Spala and was playing near her mother while the latter was preparing dinner. The door was open, and the little girl toddled out and wandered away. The mother thought she was playing in the little garden.

When the father came home to dinner, the baby could not be found. Soon every man about the place was hunting for the lost child. Nicky stayed at home from shooting that day. We were both upset and prayed for the girl.

Guards, police, keepers, foresters, and others all turned out to seek the lost child. The terrible fear was that she had been carried off by some wild beast. A two-year-old little girl like my Maria lost in the forest! Such a horrible thing to imagine! All alone, scared, and cold, and I am not even the mother. She must have suffered so much.

Neighbors stayed with the poor distracted mother. To add to the distress, heavy snow fell. All night and far into the next afternoon search was continued, until a soldier who had been out all night found the little one on her hands and knees under a bush, soaked through and perfectly unconscious. He quickly carried her home. She was undressed and put to bed. In the evening she was quite recovered and playing. A true miracle. It was like God was saying to me: “Alix, your prayers are also heard”.

How can I not believe in the mercy of God after so many signs of his presence in our lives? And how can I not believe in my friend Philip? He talks in a way that manifests a deep understanding of God. Nicky and I love listening to him. He has been telling me for a few months now that my baby boy is already on the way. Recently, he sent me another letter, and of my son he wrote:

“It is about time for your son to be born, Alix, he is already there. I had a vision, he will be the greatest of monarchs to have ever lived.” 

I became ecstatic when I read it. My motherly pride became greater, if that were even possible. How I long to meet this special child and hold him in my arms! What an honor it will be! I will make sure what Philip said comes to pass, I will make sure he grows up to be the most compassionate and Christian of all monarchs as well.

I haven´t bled for more than a month now, so I trust my friend Philip more now than ever. God´s timing is always perfect. I can´t wait to tell Nicky tonight, or maybe now. He must be coming here anytime soon for tea in the Mauve Room.

I decorated it myself not too long after my marriage. I wanted to create a bright and cozy environment for Nicky and my children. A room where my husband could come and unburden himself from the affairs of government. A sanctuary.

The Mauve Room is named after the silk on the walls. Matching fabric covers the furniture.

I personally picked the color. I asked for one that matched a sprig of lilac my dear Nicky once gave me.

I have always preferred pastels. Pale aquamarines and blue topazes over more expensive stones. Pearls are my favorite. My engagement ring was also a large pink pearl.

No door leads from the palace corridor into the Mauve Room. One can enter only from the Pallisander Room, where only our most intimate guests enter, or the bedroom.

A matching curtain covers one of the two huge windows of the room. Due to the size of the huge windows of the room, and the fact that one of them has only a thin silk shade to cover it, the room is very bright today like most days.

My favorite part of the room is the couch where I am sitting now, especially when I am surrounded by my children.

Tatiana and Maria are playing with some dolls on the floor. Apparently, Maria´s daughters are sick and she is taking them to Dr. Tatiana. Olga was playing with them a few seconds ago, until they started playing a game she wasn´t interested in and yelled that she didn´t like them anymore.

I scolded my eldest for being rude to her sisters and made her apologize for that behavior, told her it was unchristian and unladylike. There is nothing that can be done to completely avoid childhood squabbles though.

Now, Olga plays the piano. No one would know it is a six-year-old playing. She is very talented, although she is playing a simple melody, of course.

My little baby, Anastasia, at six months old, is already interested in everything and even walks a bit when helped. She is the most precocious of my daughters. We left Poland and will be spending Christmas here, in Tsarskole Selo. Anastasia is always staring at the trees, wanting to reach for the decorations, laughing frantically whenever I do allow her to touch them before I place them in the tree. I have tried to make sure she doesn´t drop anything, but her excessive enthusiasm makes it impossible. 

I look down at my youngest daughter´s growing reddish hair and compare its color to that of my own brown curls. My brown hair also has a twinge of red-gold. Anastasia´s hair is much fairer, but I can already tell it will be at least similar to mine when she is older. She will be the second to inherit my color then. Olga has light blonde hair, almost white when she was a baby. Tatiana has dark auburn hair that was lighter, looking quite red, when she was younger, and Maria has golden blonde hair, but she is still a baby. It will eventually darken like it usually happens. At least all of them have my and Nicky´s blue eyes.

Anastasia is staring at her sisters now with her small and pretty cornflower blue eyes. She extends her little hand and yells: “Ol! Ol!”

By “ol” she refers to the dolls of course. She knows so many words already. I decide to put her on the ground. Anastasia crawls straight to Maria, who immediately drops the dolls and welcomes the little intruder into her arms.

“Don´t!” Maria squeals. It appears baby Anastasia has grabbed her hair. I am about to intervene, but Tatiana has it all under control before I do. She gently takes Anastasia's hands away from Maria´s hair, and says softly but firmly: “Not her hair”.

Maria gives Anastasia the doll she was playing with, and places it in her arms very gently, as if teaching her how to play. 

I smile at the scene and go pick up some unfinished project I started knitting yesterday. As the saying goes, idle hands are the devil's workshop. Maybe I can sell my finished work at some charity if it turns out particularly well.

As usual, we will be going to St. Petersburg for New Year´s Day, much to my displeasure, but what can be done? It is my duty. There will be a very happy social season, for those who love social seasons that is. Many balls, dinners, and supper parties. This year the Court was in mourning for my dear grandmother´s death. At least Olga and Tatiana enjoy the beauty and art of the Winter Palace greatly. They are always making comments about the paintings, plates, and all those sorts of things. Olga once said she wished we could live there all year. Nicky uses our visits as an opportunity to teach them about their history and ancestors. Olga particularly enjoys it.

I do like that we stay here, in Tsarskoye Selo, for most of the year.

Baby Anastasia drops the doll after about a minute and crawls back towards me. Poor Maria hopelessly tries to make Anastasia grab the doll again by following her sister around and extending the arm she uses to carry the doll.

“Her mommy, you her mommy”, Maria yells. Her tiny voice sounds so anguished, such is a child´s innocence. To her eyes, Anastasia is abandoning her “daughter”.

“Let her, dear”, I tell Maria. “You are her mommy now”. My daughter opens her beautiful big eyes and cocks her head. Tatiana once again takes care of the situation by engaging with her. What would I do without Tatiana? She is such a conscientious child already, always willing to please. I can see it in the way she looks back at me, looking for reassurance.

“Well done, my dear”, I say to Tatiana with a smile, and she appears satisfied, as I can tell by her grin.

Anastasia raises her arms and I carry her again. It is a bit hard to knit while holding her, especially due to her particular interest in my work. I indulge her interest too much, she undoes some of what I had previously knitted with her fingers, and now my work is ruined. As much as I try to fix it, the noise from the piano doesn´t allow me to concentrate.

“See Olga?” I say to my oldest daughter, who has stopped playing any melody whatsoever and is now experimenting, with no successful result. “Even the baby wants to knit… actually, why don´t we all start working on something? You can keep playing later, but do you know how many little girls like you don´t have clothes?”

My two oldest daughters stop what they are doing, Olga pouts, although she seems willing enough. I stand up to go for the materials, but before we can start, my husband enters the room, and Olga, Maria, and Tatiana scream with joy.

Olga is the winner of the race, and she gets to hug her father first, but he hugs each of our three oldest girlies for a long time. He carries Maria in the air, and then closer to cover her with kisses.

He kisses me and the little one when he is done with the oldest three. The happiest moments of the day are the times he is with me.

We ask one of the maids for tea. My two oldest daughters tell Nicky about all they did today. They ask about their Babushka and Aunt Olga, about their cousin Irina, they ask when they are going out with them. Little Maria talks a bit as well, but most of her sentences are a variant of: "I love you, papa."

My two oldest girls sit on their own chairs as we have tea, but Nicky and I carry Anastasia and Maria in our laps.

He reads the children a short fairytale once we are done, and after that, we have to answer some of Olga´s questions as always.

I ask Miss Eagar to take the kids back to the nursery after Olga and Tatiana are done showing Nicky a piece they like to play together on the piano. It is fairly good.

Poor Maria waves goodbye to her papa for far too long. We will have to keep working some other day. I already knit with them often and am teaching them how to sew and embroider among other things. Tatiana really enjoys it.

“Apparently, it was not fair that Ivan married the princess”, my husband jokingly says after the girls are gone, referring to one of Olga´s complaints about the fairytale. “Not when he had older brothers who deserved her more.”

He is sitting right next to me on the couch, and when I laugh, he starts doing so as well.

“No, it seems not”, I answer, not quite done laughing. He takes some time to be done as well.

“Oh, I love her! Well, all of them darling, it feels so good to spend some time with them every day”.

“Any stress lately?”

“Not particularly, sunny, no”, he caresses my cheek as he says that, his smile makes me melt today as it did when we first met. His presence excites me as it did when we were newlyweds. 

We small talk as always, but then I stay silent for a while. I am so happy right now that I can´t help but grieve for those less fortunate. How could something like this ever end? Why did it have to happen to my poor brother?

“What are you thinking?” He asks as his smile leaves his face, I sigh.

“Oh, you are going to think I am silly, this again”.

“No, no, tell me.”

“I was reminded of my brother Ernie, and Ducky, of their divorce in October”.

“Yes, it was all so sad and awful, what a shame, and it is hard to believe it happened to someone so close. Never be ashamed to talk to me, sunny, sometimes time doesn´t easily heal wounds, what happened took us all by surprise”.

“Poor unhappy ones, it is indeed hard for us to imagine how that could possibly happen, my brother must be so lonely, and for Ducky to be without her little Ella…"

“It must be terrible”, he finishes for me as he nods. I get closer to him, and I rest my head on his chest as he puts his arm around me.

“It must be so hard for a mother”, I add. “Ella is such a happy and funny child, and our girls have so much fun every time they meet”.

“Just precious”, he says with a huge grin, probably remembering his niece and her antics with our daughters, as he nods again. “But it is God´s will darling, and that will never happen to us”. He gets even closer.

“No, I love you too much for that, I would die”, I say with a smile, and then we kiss.

We stay like that for a moment, close, kissing, until I remember what I wanted to tell him.

“Oh! Nicky!” I exclaim as pull away from our embrace. “I forgot to tell you, I am pregnant!”

He does question my certainty, but after I am done explaining my reasons for knowing our long-awaited boy is finally on the way, I slowly see his features change into ecstatic joy. Wrinkles in his eyes, a huge grin. Soon his arms are around me, and there was no better place to tell him than the Mauve Room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Philip´s messages and prophesy is completely fictional, just spicy mumbo jumbo for the sake of spice. But Philip was indeed an occultist and a very shady man, and claiming to change the gender of the baby in the womb is no less weird by today´s standards, lol. Most scenes and dialogues are fictional, of course, most in this story is other than the context. I am also not sure if the “Mauve Room” had already received its name at that time, but for the purpose of the story let´s say it had.


	7. Another friend like me.

Moscow. July 17, 1918.

Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

In many ways, the year 1902 was a distressing one for both Nicholas and Alexandra.

The year before, Victoria Melita had divorced Ernie, Alexandra´s brother. Their marriage had been crumbling down for quite a while before, they went as far as throwing things at each other. The only thing that had stopped them from separating was Queen Victoria.

Ducky, as family members called Victoria Melita, had married Ernie and given birth to Elizabeth by the time she was only 18 years old, but she had never stopped loving her cousin, Grand Duke Cyril. Their love had been a doomed one, as the Orthodox Church doesn´t allow for first cousins to wed.

Despite also being first cousins, Ernie and Ducky had gotten married upon the suggestion of Queen Victoria. Their only child to survive infancy was Princess Elizabeth of Hesse, or Ella.

Ducky loved her daughter as much as any mother would, but it was hard to compete with Ernst´s devotion. Ernst felt as if he could understand her daughter in a way that no one else could since before she was even able to say more than a few words. He became a child himself whenever he played with her.

When baby Elizabeth was just six months old, and a new nursery was made for her, it was Ernst that consulted the baby on her color preferences. When he showed her a shade of lilac, baby Ella made happy little squeals. His father made sure the nursery was the “chosen” color.

Once Elizabeth grew up, Ernst had a playhouse built for her in its own garden, a playhouse where adults were not allowed, much to the frustration of royal nurses and tutors, who would spend up to hours pacing up and down impatiently outside, waiting for their young charge to emerge.

Elisabeth was greatly favored by her great-grandmother, Queen Victoria, who called the little girl "my precious" and was against the divorce of her unhappily married parents mainly for her sake. The little girl could make her great-grandmother laugh easily.

Elisabeth's maternal grandmother was Grand Duchess Maria Alexandrovna of Russia, the Duchess of Edinburgh, who was the only daughter of the Tsar liberator. In 1901, when Queen Victoria was dying, Maria Alexandrovna led five-year-old Elisabeth to see her on her death bed. After Queen Victoria died, Ella was taken in to see her body and told that her great-grandmother had gone to be with the angels.

"But I don't see the wings," is what Elizabeth whispered.

During Queen Victoria´s funeral, Elisabeth sat next to her second cousin Prince Edward of York, called David by his family and friends. Ella took David under her protection, she held him most of the time around his neck. Elizabeth was a deeply sensitive girl with a huge heart, and a great influence on adults.

After the death of Queen Victoria, Ernie and Ducky finally divorced, and Elisabeth divided her year between Darmstadt and her mother's new home.

The separation of her parents was quite hard for little Elizabeth. She resented the divorce, and particularly her mother at first. Ernst had difficulty persuading Ella to visit her mother. Before one visit, he found her whimpering under a sofa. She later told her father that she didn´t feel like her mother loved her. He assured Elisabeth that her mother loved her too.

"Mama says she loves me, but you do love me," Elisabeth replied.

Victoria Melita did her best to mend her relationship with her daughter. She used to teach her how to ride, and even let her daughter ride her pony inside her bedroom. Ella became quite a good horsewoman, or pony little girl, just like her little cousins in Russia were becoming. 

Nicholas and Alexandra were appalled by their relatives´ divorce, something that is already considered shameful enough for commoners, but for the royal families of Europe, was a complete scandal. Nicholas even went as far as claiming that the loss of a dear one was better than the general disgrace of a divorce.

Alix suffered a lot for the sake of her brother and felt sorry for both him and Ducky, pleading with Xenia not to listen to gossip about them.

The year later, while the news about his brother-in-law´s divorce were still fresh, Nicholas found out that his youngest uncle, Paul, had married a commoner.

The Grand Duke Paul Alexandrovich had lost his wife, Alexandra of Greece, a long time ago. She had fallen into a coma that she never recovered from after the premature birth of her youngest son, Dmitri.

The newborn had barely survived, but did so with the help of his uncle, Grand Duke Sergei, who gave the premature Dmitri the baths prescribed by the doctors, wrapped him in cotton wool, and kept him in a cradle filled with hot water bottles to keep his temperature regulated.

After Alexandra´s death, Paul started a relationship with a married woman, Olga Valerianovna Karnovich, who was also a commoner. Olga divorced her husband, but that didn´t make her any more eligible, and when Paul asked the Tsar for permission to marry her, he was refused.

Paul and Olga even had a son named Vladimir, who had been born in 1897, but it was in 1902 that the couple decided to marry in Italy against the wishes of the Tsar.

As a punishment for this morganatic marriage, Nicholas exiled Paul, who was not allowed to take his children, Dmitri and Maria, with him. Pavel and Olga would take Vladimir with them to France and make Paris their official residence.

Sergei and Ella, who were childless, soon become the guardians of Maria and Dmitri Pavlovich. Sergei was enthusiastic about his new role, but I can´t help but think it must have been incredibly hard for those children to be away from their father. I once had a vision of them, where they talked about Paul with melancholy-filled eyes and voices.

What did Dmitri and Maria think? Did they resent their father? Or feel abandoned? Did they start blaming the Tsar as they grew older? It is hard to tell, I have visions, but can´t read minds. Maybe it wasn´t often that they talked about him, it was only one vision after all.

That same year, the Tsar's younger brother and heir, Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich, fell in love with his first cousin, Princess Beatrice of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Victoria Melita´s sister. They exchanged lots of letters and initially planned to marry, but the Tsar and Dowager Empress reminded "Misha" that the Orthodox Church forbids unions between first cousins, and that Nicholas would not make an exception for him.

Michael then decided to end the relationship, but it was quite a scare for his family, and Victoria Melita certainly wasn´t happy about the way Michael had broken Beatrice´s heart, as she clearly expressed in a letter to her sister.

Nicholas had such an inflexible side. Upholding tradition, and thus protecting the respectability of his house, was more important to him than his family members´ happiness, sometimes more than anyone´s happiness. Knowing how hard it was for these people to find what was deemed a “suitable” partner, makes me grateful to be a commoner sometimes, although not enough to consider their lives, free of toil, easier than mine, let alone most people.

One would think having almost lost Alexandra due to a difference in religion would have made Nicholas more understanding.

Maybe he was too caught up in his own happiness. He had the perfect wife, or so I heard him say once to her, and he was as devoted to and proud of his girls as Ernst was of his little Elizabeth.

Oo

Time went on amazingly fast as the little girls grew, much to Alexandra´s great displeasure. She wanted them to stay little girls forever, or so it seemed. Their mother had taught the oldest two how to sew, and three-year-old Maria was learning really fast. Tatiana was especially talented.

Though the family´s yearly itineraries were rarely ever the same, there were similarities. They would pass the winter season in St. Petersburg, from the New Year and into February. They would usually spend much of the spring at Tsarskoye Selo, then move on to Peterhof during the late spring, spend the late summer in Poland, and then autumn at Livadia, located in Crimea. Finally, they usually spent the early winter at Tsarskoye Selo, where the girls helped their mother and servants decorate the Christmas trees.

The girls also loved to sail on the Standart yacht, it gave them a chance to play and bathe on the beaches with their long striped swimsuits and swimming caps, to gather pebbles, run and play on deck.

They wore simple white or pastel-colored dresses inside, or when they sailed in the Standart, but they also wore their dark blue sailor shirts and skirts, which made them look adorable. They loved the sailors and officers, who used to carry the little girls around on the deck so they could see the horizon better. These loyal men were wholly devoted to them.

On one occasion, an officer from the Standart asked them what they had in their hands, the children showed the little bits of green stones they had picked up, and asked him to keep them if he wanted them. The officer took a little stone from each child and later attached them to his watch chain. He would never part with them, as the Tsar´s children had found and offered them to him. All the officers treated the little maidens with the highest regard.

On another occasion, the little girls were getting into a carriage at Peterhof when an officer came running over to say good morning. The little Grand Duchesses, who were friendly creatures, began to talk to him, and one of them took a little wooden toy from her pocket and asked him if he would like it. He was much pleased and afterward turned to their nanny and said he was in trouble, but seeing the children coming out, thought that if he could reach the carriage in time to bow to the imperial children, he would get lucky and find a way out of his troubles.

"And see", the officer said, "not only did I bow to them, but I kissed their hands and received a little toy from one of them. I shall keep that toy as long as I live."

There was a tall young German officer in the Guards, and he used to ask the Grand Duchess Olga for a doll: “A little tiny one that I can keep in my pocket and play with while I am on guard, it would give me much pleasure”, he declared, but he wanted, most of all, something from the Grand Duchess.

Poor little Olga Nicolaevna did not know whether he was joking or telling the truth. Margaretta assured her the doll would indeed give him much pleasure. Olga then brought Miss Eagar a couple of very tiny dolls dressed as boys, one minus a foot, the other without an arm. The governess said it would be better for Olga to give the young man unbroken dolls, and the little girl replied: "Yes, but these are boys and he is a man, I am afraid he would not like a little girl dollie." Margaretta then told her to ask him when she saw him.

The next morning Olga put the doll into her pocket, and she met the officer, who immediately began to reproach her in a joking manner for having forgotten how lonely he was and what company a little doll would be to him. Olga plunged her hand into her pocket and produced the doll, holding it behind her back. "Which would you rather have," she said seriously, "a boy or a girl doll?"

"A little girl doll would be like you, and I should love it very much, but a boy would be very companionable", he answered. She was quite delighted and gave him the doll, saying: "I am glad, I was so afraid you would not like the girl". He put the doll in his pocket most carefully.

Shortly afterwards the young officer went for his holidays. When he returned, the first day he saw the little Grand Duchess, he began as formerly to beg for a doll.

Olga said, reproachfully: "Is it possible you have already broken the nice little doll I gave you?"

With great tact, he explained that the little doll was lonely all by itself, and wanted a companion, and that it did not matter if it was broken. So, another dollie was carried about for several days till Olga met him again and gave it to him.

Oo

When little Anastasia turned a year old, she started playing with her sisters more often. Olga and Tatiana helped little Anastasia walk in the park at Tsarskoye Selo, taking the toddler by one hand each, and trying to keep up with her endless energy as the youngest girl began to run faster than her older sisters.

They began to play catch and run, other games around the trees as they giggled. Anastasia would burst with laughter. Nicholas and Alexandra, of course, were delighted. Nicholas, more than delighted, he was part of the games. I once saw him trying to catch the four of them at the same time. The girls screamed with excitement. Alexandra tried but failed to take a picture.

They played on the swings. I once saw Alexandra holding Anastasia as she sat there and “swung”, to make sure she also had her share of fun, just like the older three girls. Anastasia laughed so loudly it was contagious, and Alix was her “sunny” self again.

I remember seeing their proud mother photographing them together, the four of them, in the parks of Tsarskoye Selo, as they went for a walk. The three oldest dressed in pretty pink dresses and coats with round buttons, hats with white flowers, and black boots and stockings. The little one wore a huge hoodie, the same pink color, tied around her head in a bow under her chin.

They used to ride their ponies. Their loyal footman Alexei Trupp, who also loved the girls, guided the reins, although Olga and Tatiana loved doing it themselves as Maria rode her little horse. It was not just a fun pastime, but also a skill they had to learn for future ceremonies, just like dancing.

They used to play a lot with their cousins, Maria and Dmitri, as well as with the children of Xenia and Sandro. Nicholas´s younger sister had five children of her own now: Irina, Andrei, Feodor, Nikita, and Dmitri, who was Anastasia´s age. Although the girls were particularly close to Irina because of her gender, they also played with the rowdy boys.

The girls´ other aunt, Olga, also visited often and took the little girls to see their grandmother, Minnie, for tea or ice cream. Both of them had a special relationship with the girls. Minnie liked to question them about their day, their games, and their classes, and to have them show her what they had learned. Their aunt Olga was fun-loving and indulging with the girls whenever they misbehaved or acted in childish ways. The few times I saw them together, the girls and their aunt appeared to be the most uninhibited and cheerful.

Grand Duchess Tatiana now began to learn English, reading, and writing. Olga's education was much further advanced. She had masters for music and Russian, greatly enjoyed learning, asking questions, and admired people she considered knowledgeable.

One day, Olga´s arithmetic master wished for his student to write something. Olga asked to leave in order to go to the Russian master, who was teaching Tatiana in the next room. The arithmetic master said she could go, but asked her the reason. Olga told him she could not spell "arithmetic”, to which the arithmetic master replied by explaining to the little girl how to spell this word. 

Olga exclaimed, with great admiration: "How clever you are! And how hard you must have studied to be able, not only to count so well but to spell such very long words!"

Olga considered Miss Eagar a marvel of education and confided in her music master that no one in the whole world knew as much as Miss Eagar did. This was probably because Olga spent a good portion of the day with her nanny, and thus got to ask her lots of questions that the governess answered with pleasure.

Olga was advanced beyond most children of her age in some aspects, but she was also quite sheltered.

On one occasion, the milliner brought the girls new hats, and Olga was greatly pleased. She told Miss Eagar that she thought the milliner was “the very kindest woman” in the world.

"She went all the way to Paris," six-year-old Olga said, "and brought us a present of those beautiful hats." Miss Eagar explained that it was the milliner’s business and that the hats had been bought, not given as presents.

Olga looked a little puzzled, and then said: "I am afraid you are making a mistake, you did not give her any money, and I know she did not go to mama for it."

That was of course because it wasn´t the Empress who directly gave her the money.

Olga´s only knowledge of shops and shopping was derived from the toy and sweet shops in Darmstadt.

One day, Olga asked Miss Eagar why the Americans spoke English, and not American. The governess told the little girl the story of the Pilgrim Fathers and described how they had built houses and shops, and so, made towns.

Olga was exceedingly interested and inquired: "Where did they find the toys to sell in the shops?" To which Margaretta replied with an explanation on how toys are fabricated.

When Miss Eagar read "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking-Glass" to the girls, Olga was horrified at the manners of the queen, the one who chopped people´s heads off.

"No queens", the little Grand Duchess said, "would be so rude."

When Miss Eagar was reading about Alice's journey by railway, Olga was, once again, exceedingly amused, and thought it very funny that Alice did not have a compartment to herself. Miss Eagar told her that for traveling, most people bought one ticket and occupied just one seat on the train, that some tickets cost more than others, and that the highest-priced tickets meant a better place on the train.

Olga listened and said: "And when you travel, can anyone with the same kind of ticket you have to get into the same carriage as you do?”

"Yes", Miss Eagar replied, so Olga said: "If I were you, I should take a whole compartment for myself."

"But you forget that these other people might object to me, and say, 'I won't sit beside that person", Margaretta explained.

"Oh no," Olga said. "Everyone in the whole world would be glad to sit beside you."

When Olga read about the English cutting off the Welsh Prince Llewellyn's head and sending it to London, she was awfully shocked, read the story again, and then exclaimed: "Well, it was a good thing he was dead before they cut off his head, it would have hurt him most awfully if he was alive." Miss Eagar said that they were not always so kind, and sometimes cut the heads off living people.

"Well, I really think people are much better now than they used to be”, Olga replied. “I'm very glad I live now when people are so kind."

That innocent phrase summarizes what life was for the four little girls. Loving, devoted parents, no deprivations, and only good people around them.

The Tsar and Tsarina had four bright and healthy daughters they loved to proudly show off to the world in official postcards, none of whom, because of the law, could succeed Nicholas. By 1902 though, the Tsarina seemed to have fallen pregnant once again, possibly with their long-awaited boy. It seemed like a total vindication of their friend Philippe’s prayers and claims.

Alexandra had last menstruated on November 1, 1901. She anticipated the birth of her son at the beginning of the following August.

Nicholas and Alexandra kept the news of the pregnancy from their family as long as they could, but by the spring of 1902, it was clear that the Tsarina was getting fatter.

Philippe spent some time at St Petersburg in March of 1902. Nicholas and Alexandra visited him and listened to him for hours with great interest.

Philippe’s influence over Alexandra was so great that he convinced her not to allow any doctors to examine her, even as her due date approached.

By the late summer, Alexandra was showing way too little physical signs of what was supposedly an advanced pregnancy. In spite of it, Nicholas and Alexandra traveled to their palace by the sea for the arrival of their baby, and in August 1902, manifestos announcing the birth were made ready.

Oo

When Dr. Ott took residence at Peterhof for the delivery, he immediately realized something was wrong.

On 16 August, Alexandra bled. The doctors Ott and Günst were called in, but Alexandra, following Philippe´s instructions, refused to let them examine her. It took considerable persuasion before Alexandra finally allowed Dr. Ott to do so, and when he did, the most unexpected thing happened: The doctor announced that she was not pregnant. She had never been.

The scene that unfolded is too sad to describe. Alexandra let out a short, clearly fake laugh and said to the doctor: “Well, at least there will be none of those terribly loud cannons”. She then started weeping.

Alexandra’s “phantom pregnancy” caused understandable concern in the imperial family.

A deeply shocked and distressed Alexandra wrote to a friend:

“Dear friend, do not come. There will be no christening, there is no child, there is nothing! It is a catastrophe!”

It was officially announced by the court physicians that the Empress was pregnant before, but had suffered from a miscarriage.

Alexandra’s true condition was never made public.

Later, upon further analysis under the microscope of a discharge of blood Alexandra had, Ott confirmed there had indeed been a dead fertilized egg, a growing mass of tissue inside her womb that would not have developed into a baby. In his opinion, the Empress had been suffering from a condition known as “Mole Carnosum”, and the loss of blood had flushed it out.

The news of the so-called miscarriage sparked a wave of merciless vilification and all kinds of outlandish rumors that the Tsarina had given birth to a deformed child, a monster.

It seemed like the hand of God lay heavy on the sovereigns.

As a little girl, I heard some people claim that the absence of a son was the Tsar’s punishment for the tragedy of the stampede at the coronation festivities in Moscow.

Other outrageous rumors said that Nicholas would eventually divorce Alexandra, just like Napoleon Bonaparte had divorced Empress Josephine in 1810, after fourteen years of marriage, for failing to provide him with a son.

Nicholas would have never left Alix. He comforted his wife tirelessly after the event.

Oo

As a nurse, I have seen plenty of cases of women with similar conditions to that of the Empress. They had all or at least most of the symptoms of pregnancy: nausea, weight gain... sometimes, but not always, they even claimed they could feel the baby kicking. It was upsetting for me, but especially for them, to disclose the truth. Bizarre.

I have talked to them. So many of those women were simply desperate for a baby, some others had endless personal problems. Andrei says they were hysterical.

Those cases are, to me, stranger than my own ability. All those women, wanting a baby so much, maybe fearing one, enough to lose their touch with reality.

Oo

Philippe’s reputation suffered after this alleged miscarriage, and accusations of charlatanry and meddling in affairs of state mounted against the French man, making his position at the Russian court unsustainable. Nicholas and Alexandra didn´t want to part with him, but at the end of 1902, Philippe was sent back to France with gifts.

Philippe gave Alexandra an icon with a small bell, which, he told her, would ring to alert her should anyone meaning her harm enter the room. She also kept a frame with dried flowers that he gave her, which he claimed had been touched by the hand of the savior. Philippe departed, leaving one final prophecy:

“Someday, you will have another friend like me who will speak to you of God.”


	8. Bittersweet happiness.

Crimea. Autumn, 1902. Alexandra Feodorovna Romanova.

Princess Helen is here, in the palace. She is a young brunette, about 17 or 18. The daughter of a Serbian prince, and a student at the Smolny Institute for girls of the nobility.

My girls like her a lot. She is good with kids and is playing with them now in the nursery as I watch, embroidering a shirt and seating on a couch next to Miss Eagar, who is rocking my one-year-old Anastasia. My baby is tired now, but she was screaming and trying to absorb all of the attention her sisters were putting on their dolls just a few minutes ago. Not out of malice, of course. I don´t think she even realized she was screaming way too loudly. I think playing with her sisters just makes her overjoyed.

Princess Helen came to tea with her aunt, Princess Vera, and her young cousins, as they often do. She stayed with the girls after we were done.

Helen´s mother died twelve years ago, so she has lived with her aunts in Russia for quite some time.

Just like my young sister-in-law, Olga, Helen still has that playful side that makes children drawn to her. Yesterday, with the sincere honesty only children truly possess, my big Olga said to me: “Mama, I really like Helen”.

They are now apparently organizing a wedding for two of the dolls. They have wrapped them up in white sheets.

“Tanechka!” Olga gushes as she points at the sheet Tatiana has cleverly folded and unfolded so it looks like a dress on the doll. “That looks beautiful!”

“The wedding is when the girl looks pretty”, Tatiana replies as she stands up to take Olga´s doll and do the same with hers. Olga is delighted, and now Maria, who was distracted making Helen pretend to drink tea, is extending her own doll as well.

I smile down, and I watch them play together for a while.

Of course my girlies don’t truly understand the significance of weddings yet. They also like to pretend to be nuns, or peasant women, by covering their little heads and bodies with brown sheets. They used to do that a lot with their cousin Elizabeth.

My three oldest have become inseparable. They play in the playroom or the nurseries all day long. They also build “houses” by putting two chairs near each other and then placing those same sheets on top of them. Nicky and I have been forced to have “tea” inside those small spaces they call houses way too many times. I can´t bear to think what it is like for Miss Eagar.

I wish I could be on the floor now with them, but I have recently realized I get tired more easily. My chest feels tight. My legs, heavy. It hurts sometimes when I breathe. My heart still longs for that child that never was. I had imagined that baby boy so many times. I still can´t believe he isn´t here.

How I longed for that dear baby. I wanted a boy, badly. Another baby girl would have made me happy as well… but not that, not that…

I cried so much after it happened. The tears just wouldn´t stop flowing. And Nicky, my Nicky, he was so very disappointed, I know it, but he is a saint.

My long-suffering Job, as my one and only always calls himself. My Nicky never once complained to me or expressed the deep grief I truly believe his poor heart was suffering from. He was too busy being the most perfect and gentlest of husbands to think about himself. Too busy comforting, reassuring me with both words and physical affection that he loved me more than anything in this life, and God had made this happen for a reason. That I know. I trust God, I know this heavy trial was sent to test my faith, but it still pains me so.

I look at my daughters, Olga is squeezing Maria´s cheeks after the latter said, as my little Maria usually does, something endearing about Olga, or to be precise, about her doll. 

Those lovely giggles. I remember how I felt the first time I held each of them in my arms. They were all so pink and tiny, I can´t describe with words the love I felt. It was so big, so encompassing, that no amount of kissing or cuddling those dear babies would have been enough to pour out all of my love without asphyxiating the poor precious angels. I told Nicky about the joyous realization that I had when I held Olga for the first time: It is through the love of mom and dad that babies first feel the love of the Lord. I felt it through my beloved parents, and now I am passing it on.

How I longed to have another newborn around the house! Another baby to cherish. It feels, not as if I were never pregnant, but as if I had lost him, my son, I was deprived of the chance to hold him and pour all of that love. I miss him.

As I recovered from the shock and was forced to see people again, the unkind whispers around me started to become stronger. I am no good, it is said, I bring bad luck, and I will never have a son. Poor Nicky, is what they say, married to that crazy woman. It is never poor Alexandra. I don´t know whether the whispers are real or imagined. It is never to my face, never complete sentences, but I can put the pieces together… does it even matter if they say it? I know people think that way. Not the real Russians at least, the real Russians are the pure-hearted, hardworking, pious, and humble poor people. The real Russians love their sovereigns.

But maybe there is something wrong with me indeed. I should have known better. I should have suspected something was wrong.

The baby wasn´t kicking. I knew this and yet I tried to attribute any tiny movement I felt in my belly to him. I often worried about it, but my friend Philip would tell me not to, for he knew my son was resting and thinking things through, important matters, because there would be hard times ahead once he was born.

I don´t want to think this way, but maybe Philip was simply mistaken. I know he is a good, wise, and Holy Man. I have heard him talk, so much of what he says is similar to my own worldview, but maybe he is wrong.

He sent me a letter recently, it said:

“Alix, last night I had the revelation again. You will soon give birth to another child.

I insist the greatest of the Romanov Tsars and the most powerful of all earthly monarchs shall come from your womb. God has confirmed it, so I know it to be true. He has a special fondness for your Imperial Majesty. The Tsar, the great leader, he will come this year, or possibly next year, just remember Seraphim of Sarov”.

Upon receiving and reading the letter, I ripped it into dozens of pieces without even letting Nicky read it. It was too much. Nicky is a man of faith, but he is also a man of reason, and our friend Philip is a good and spiritual man, but he may also have been saying what he thinks we want to hear.

This year, he says, or possibly next year... so in case he is wrong he can argue he never told us the specific date or month. How convenient! And yet, how much I wish it were true. My little Anastasia may not have a special fate either, or an unusual, important life, as Philip predicted after she was born a girl when we all believed she would be a boy. It is such a shame, but I don´t need her to be special, she is my happy baby girl, and that is enough.

Tatiana has stopped playing, at least for a while, in order to make funny faces at baby Anastasia, who is still in the arms of Miss Eagar. Tatiana puts her tongue out and her fingers inside her ears. Anastasia reacts accordingly for her age, with contagious baby laughter. Of course it is easy for Tatiana to make her one-year-old sister laugh, and the older girls love doing it. God bless them.

Philip told us many times that Seraphim of Sarov would help us. The only part of the letter I didn´t dismiss as nonsense. I do believe Seraphim of Sarov will intercede for us before God, and help my husband and I conceive a son.

Seraphim is a Holy Man, not a saint yet, but Nicky is working to change that. We firmly believed Seraphim was a miracle worker before we even met Philip.

Some time ago a Metropolitan of the Church came to the Alexander Palace. I received him in the formal reception room, one of the lightest in the palace, and the place where I receive most dignitaries. The floor is made of a dark gold parquet. In the center of the room hangs a crystal chandelier with a ruby glass center.

There is a roll-top desk, where I write, pieces of 18th century French furniture, and an enormous Savonnerie carpet on the floor.

There are a number of small sculptures to decorate the room: bronze busts of Alexander I, his wife Elizabeth, and Paul I. There is a colored Wedgewood bust of Alexander I as well. On the wall hangs a marble carving of Catherine the Great, accompanied by a number of large paintings on the walls, the biggest of which is a huge painting of the Cossacks of the Imperial Guard.

A number of 18th-century clocks that stand in different parts of the room tell the hour.

One of my favorite parts of the room is a tapestry that belonged to Marie Antoinette. It was a gift from the French President Lebrun, a collector. I have been fascinated by that poor queen for quite a while. Such a sad, tragic fate. It is not her death that I consider the most unfortunate aspect of her life, but having to be separated from her precious children. She died alone, slandered, and unable to protect her orphaned children from further harm. Her little boy was awfully mistreated. He died of illness because of the terrible conditions he was placed in by his jailers. Her little girl survived, but was imprisoned for a long time before that.

Before we sat around a small table, the Metropolitan asked me to pray with him, and after we were done, I immediately asked him about Seraphim of Sarov and the question of his canonization. The man was a bit skeptical, although he was aware of the devotion the common people already show for the Holy Man, despite not being officially recognized as such.

Oo

Seraphim of Sarov was born in Kursk, in 1759. When he was 10 he fell gravely ill, and the Virgin Mary appeared to him in a dream where she promised to heal him. Soon after that, a procession that carried the miraculous icon of Our Lady of Kursk went through the ill boy´s village. The mother of the sick child held the icon on his head, and the boy soon began to recover. He later became a monk, receiving the name “Seraphim”, which means “full of fire” in Hebrew. Fiery were also his prayers. He spent most of his time in the temple, and he was blessed with the ability to see angels, as well as the Virgin Mary again, many times. He even had a vision of the Lord. 

Seraphim ate very little and only once a day. On Wednesdays and Fridays, when most Orthodox Christians only abstain from animal products, alcoholic drinks, and olive oil, Seraphim didn´t eat at all. He would often go to the forest to pray, and would eventually become a hermit, living in a modest wooden house.

In the forest, he achieved a perfect spirituality and closeness to God. The animals in the forest sensed his meekness, and thus Seraphim could be seen feeding foxes, wolves, hares, and even the bears.

One day, a group of thieves attacked the poor man and beat him to a pulp without finding anything they deemed valuable. Seraphim didn´t fight back, he even interceded for them before the judge once they were arrested, so huge was his forgiving heart.

During his last days, Seraphim became a starets, blessing hundreds with his wisdom and spiritual advice. He was popular, for he had healing powers, as well as the gift of prophecy. It was said Seraphim would answer people´s questions before they could even ask.

"Acquire a peaceful spirit, and thousands around you will be saved", Seraphim once said. Thinking about his words is soothing for my soul. I still have hope, God will help us, and if I don´t have a son, I know it will be for the best, because it will be God´s will.

Oo

My talk with the Metropolitan came to nowhere that day though, it was a bit later that the matter was put into consideration. No, that day we were interrupted by Miss Eagar and my tiny daughters, who seemed all very talkative and excited when they entered the room, especially Maria. Even almost-a-year-old Anastasia was babbling like a tiny adult.

Olga and Tatiana, upon realizing who the guest was, stared at the Metropolitan in awe and respect, but my almost-three-year-old Maria innocently asked him why he was wearing a dress if he also had a beard, and Anastasia had started babbling even louder while making weird faces at him.

I was incredibly embarrassed of course and tried to make this known to Miss Eagar without drawing much attention, but she only came closer to me and the Metropolitan, who stood up in order to receive the new guests. Much to my dismay, baby Anastasia grabbed two strands of hair from each side of the man´s beard.

“I am sorry, Your Majesty”, the governess answered with a nervous smile, “but they would insist on coming to see their mama and I am outnumbered by these little indians”. I was still trying to get Anastasia´s hands off the man when Maria started whooping as if she were indeed an indian while running across the room, moving dangerously close to the busts. It was clear she had found Miss Eagar´s statement hilarious.

“I have a loose tooth, mama! Look!” Olga yelled with excitement as she moved the tooth in question with her fingers.

“I am pulling it off”, Tatiana added with a proud smile as she hugged my waist, barely even able to reach it.

“That is great darling!” I exclaimed, genuinely happy for Olga, but slightly concerned, so I bent a little in order to talk to my second eldest. “Don´t try to pull it off too early though, Tatiana, you might hurt your sister”. I stroked Tatiana´s hair gently.

“You can stay, girls”, I said, “but I need you to play quietly while mama talks to…” Then my mind went back to Maria, who was still running and yelling.

“Maria! Stop running! And stop making that dreadful noise!” I yelled, louder than I intended, as I gently moved Tatiana away and dashed after my third daughter. I had to cover her mouth when I caught her to make her stop yelling, something she got mad about at first, as I could tell by her struggle.

“Calm down”, I coaxed. “Be a good girl…”

She slowly relaxed and smiled when I grinned at her. She smiled only with her gorgeous big blue eyes, of course, as her mouth was still covered. She had found the entire situation extremely amusing. I put a finger in my mouth with the hand I wasn´t using to cover hers, and then let her go.

Anastasia was still tugging the Metropolitan´s whiskers when I returned, taking a giggling Maria by the hand. My youngest was even more fierce now than ever, grinding her teeth and growling. I honestly don´t know where she learned that hideous behavior from unless Xenia´s wild boys have somehow managed to become a bad example even for a toddler.

“Anastasia, leave the poor Metropolitan alone! You are hurting him!” I lamented as Miss Eagar continued her struggle to pull Anastasia away from the Metropolitan without hurting either my daughter or him. “That is not nice! Oh no, Miss Eagar, do detach her from his poor beard!”

After a few minutes, Miss Eagar and I managed to remove Anastasia´s hands, finger by finger, from the old man´s beard, although maybe it was Anastasia who got bored, for knowing this willful little child like the palm of my hand, I find it hard to believe that she simply gave up. Witnessing Anastasia´s unique and strong personality develop gives me some hope that my friend Philip is right about her after all.

Thankfully the Metropolitan did not make a huge fuss about the torment inflicted upon his strands of hair. He even made the sign of the cross on my girls before leaving, but that didn´t stop me from apologizing countless times for the disastrous event.

I was incredibly mortified. My girls are usually tender and well-behaved, and of that, I take great pride.

Oo

A sudden scream interrupts my thoughts.

“Mama, Tatiana pulled my hair!” Olga whines as she walks towards me. Her hands are on her head.

“Not true! Not true!” Tatiana yells as she approaches us. I wish I had paid more attention. I really don´t know which one is lying. Anastasia is getting her diapers changed in another room. Miss Eagar left with her.

I leave the shirt I was working on by my side, hold Olga in my arms, and let her sit on my lap. She is getting heavy, almost 7 years old at last.

“Calm down sweetheart”, I tell her, she rests her head on my breast, and then I turn to Princess Helen, who is holding Maria´s hand. “Did you see what happened?”

“They were both playing so nicely, and in seconds something went down”, the young girl replies with a sad smile as she shakes her head. “I was fixing Maria´s bow, why did you fight girls?”

“She pulled my hair!” Olga exclaims.

“Did not!” Tatiana replies a bit more calmly while crossing her arms. “I wanted her to stop breaking the Nini´s dress.”

“She pulled my hair”, Olga repeats with a tiny voice and a frown.

“Who is Nini?” I ask.

“The doll”, Helen informs me. They change the dolls ´names every minute.

“Girls”, I address them both, “it is not right to pull anyone’s hair, much less a sister´s hair, not even for that reason, Tatiana”.

“I wasn´t ripping the dress”, Olga says. “I was taking Nini´s clothes off because she is going to Peterhof to have a baby, and she needed new clothes.” I have to stop myself from giggling at that.

After the incident with the baby, while we were still in Peterhof, Nicky, the girls, and I went for a walk. We took Anastasia on a stroller. The girls and I wore simple white dresses and hats, Nicholas wore a uniform as always. We were enjoying the sight of the sea when Olga asked me why I wasn’t having a baby, for she understood that was the reason we had come to Peterhof. Most of my children were indeed born at Peterhof. I explained to her with simple words that there was no baby this year.

“How do people in America travel to Peterhof whenever they have babies? Miss Eagar says it is very far away”, Olga then asked. Needless to say, Nicky and I had laughed a lot at her occurrence before explaining to her that most babies are not, in fact, born in Peterhof.

“I didn´t pull the hair, I just touched”, Tatiana argues, bringing me back to reality. Now her head is down and her hands are held close together. I extend my free arm to get her to come closer and place it around her shoulder when she does.

“Don´t fight girlies, I don´t know who started it, but it is not good to pull anyone´s hair”, I say as I look back and forward between them.

“No good”, my three-year-old Maria says with much righteousness as she shakes her head, she is talking a lot these days. “Pull hair hurts”.

“That is right, Maria”, Helen encourages her.

“See? You were very mean”, Olga says, staring at Tatiana with a frown.

“Well Tatiana, maybe you owe your sister an apology”, I say.

Now it is Tatiana that frowns, but hesitantly apologizes with a simple: “Sorry”.

Getting Tatiana to apologize was easy, getting Olga to accept her apology was slightly harder, but reminding her of what our Lord said we ought to do softened her heart as always. My two oldest can´t be mad at each other for too long either way, they are now playing with Helen and little Maria once again. I, on the other hand, go back to work on the shirt.

A child should receive the basic laws of morality at home, where cordiality and tenderness are concentrated.

Oo

Miss Eagar comes back, but Anastasia is being put to bed already.

Just before I finish with my stitches, Maria prances towards me with a teddy bear in her hands.

She growls as she extends it to me.

“What is it, my love?” I say, putting the shirt on the arm of my seat. She growls again, but now lets out a giggle when she stops growling. I take the teddy bear, as she seems to want me to, and decide to indulge her.

“Grrr!” I growl, stand up, and chase Maria with the teddy bear. My older girls soon squeal with glee when they see what their mama is doing, and join the game, running around the room carrying their dolls to escape the wrath of the teddy bear. Helen looks at us with a smile of incredulity from the floor, where she still sits.

My girlies keep laughing hysterically. Olga hides behind the furniture, Maria claps while holding her doll whenever she is not running. She is the most adorable.

I could keep doing this forever if my body allowed me, like his own body allows Nicky to catch the girls as they jump into the water. Like it allows him to swim, laugh and splash with the girlies for more than an hour. They go swimming often whenever we are here in Livadia, although Anastasia is still far too young for that.

Eventually, my legs let me down. The back of them starts feeling tingling, then painful. I have to stop.

I can´t help but rub my legs as I slow down.

“Helen dear”, I tell the princess, extending the teddy bear towards her, “make sure he eats the little girls”. I add, attempting to smile as well. Helen receives the toy, smiles, and continues playing with them while I sit back down and silently lament my situation. I put my hand on my head and recline, praying for the pain to go away.

The pain in my legs reminds me of other kinds of pain. Of the baby I will never hold.

The laughter of my girlies, still running around, reminds me of Xenia´s boisterous boys. The fact that my own sister-in-law keeps having boy after boy while I struggle does nothing to improve my state of mind.

God has given me more than most women could ever hope for. My friend Philip is right, He has a special fondness for me. A loving marriage, a saint for a husband, four beautiful, adorable, unique, and healthy children… and yet, watching my nephews´ typically boyish energy as they tumble play with my girls whenever we visit them or they visit us… watching that not only gets on my nerves sometimes because of their occasional roughness. It simply breaks my heart.

As much as I try not to want it so badly, it is becoming impossible. With each passing year, I am still yet to fulfill my most important dynastic obligation by providing Russia with the much-anticipated male heir.

But it is not even about having an heir now, it is more of a complaint a common woman would also have. I simply want a boy as well as daughters. My own boisterous boy, and why can't I have one?

I hate being envious. I know it isn´t Christian, and I am happy for Xenia, she is a dear friend, but it is not fair. Four of them now, right after Irina. She has as many sons as I have daughters.

It is not fair Xenia easily gives birth to one son after the other. It is not fair those sons have more claim to the throne, for virtue of being direct male-line descendants of a Tsar than my brilliant daughter Olga, the legitimate daughter of the present Tsar, who was chosen by God to rule. Surely it is his child who should rule after him. It is the natural order of things.

Not fair. Why God? Xenia did not even _need_ to have that many sons! And yet: Andrei, Feodor, Nikita, Dmitri... she is also pregnant again, really pregnant that is, unlike me, of course. I am crazy. I am a crazy woman who grieves a dear baby that never was.

I hope at the very least that the baby Xenia is indeed expecting is not another boy. It would be like a slap in my face, of a knife to my heart.

I suddenly feel a slight tap on my leg. I look down and see Tatiana.

“Why are you sad, mama?” She asks, and I feel the urge to burst into tears, not tears of sadness, tears of joy. Tatiana doesn´t understand the reason for my melancholy, and thankfully has never experienced as much physical pain as I have. She is only five. But she immediately stops playing in order to climb into my lap and hug me.

“Don´t be sad, mama”, she says, and I squeeze her tiny body as if my life depended on it.

She did the same thing in Peterhof, while my condition was worse. She did so while the other girls were playing, and I knew she wanted to keep playing as well. She has a huge heart, my baby, my most conscientious daughter.

Imagining her future makes me incredibly emotional, and so very excited. She is so precious and unselfish right now, and if I keep guiding her on the right path, she will be an amazing woman, similar to her grandmother Alice, devoted to the poor and suffering. So many scenarios run through my mind! I both dread and hope for the day a similarly kind and devoted man asks for her hand, and she is, in the future, as happy as I am right now.

“I am really proud of you”, I tell her before kissing her cheek. “You are being very good right now, mama feels much better.” She smiles so widely after I tell her that, looking so happy. She is the daughter that took after me the most, but at that moment, I see her father´s gentleness in her. I am so happy.

God has given me enough, His will should be done, and I just have to pray He concedes us one more miracle.

Oo

Later, in a moment of human weakness, I don´t actually get to my room immediately.

I stop by the corridor and weep, just like I wept when I was told I wasn´t pregnant.

For weeks and months after that, I would sob in Nicky´s arms for hours. I would do so alone in the corridors as well sometimes, as I am doing now, murmuring to myself: “Why, why will God not grant me a son?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little anecdote with the metropolitan is fictional, it is borrowed from the novel “The Empress of tears” by Kathleen McKenna Hewtson, which is a novel on Alexandra. It is good, although it doesn´t have much on OTMA, but if there are any more cute snippets of OTMA I may choose some more to put them here.


	9. Magic.

The Alexander Palace, Tsarskoe Selo. Winter, 1902.

Olga Nikolaevna Romanova.

Mama said she had a baby when we were at Peterhof, that is why she looked so fat, but papa then told me there was no baby.

Mama has been sad, probably because of the baby, but she now she looks very, very happy as we decorate the Christmas tree in the playroom.

Mama is playing with the spheres with Maria, while Miss Eagar is taking care of my baby sister Anastasia. Soon little Nastya will have long hair as we do. I love Anastasia, she is very funny. Last night Maria said she tried to jump from her cradle, but Miss Eagar stopped her. I also taught her to sing part of the alphabet with a song. She does so very well for a one-year-old, but sometimes she changes the lyrics to say “Olga, Olga”.

Tatiana is next to me, and I am next to the basket with the decorations, passing them over. I am also hanging some spheres. My sister and I have created a system so that the different colored spheres are distributed throughout the lower part of the tree in a way that looks pretty.

I put a red sphere next to a blue one, and then I put a silver one on the other side of the blue one.

“This red sphere looks better next to the green one”, Tatiana says.

“No, look”, I say, pointing at the spheres I just placed in the tree. “The silver one is like white, and if you put it next to the blue one that is next to the red one, it looks like the Russian flag.” She opens her eyes widely.

“Oh! True!” Tanechka exclaims. “That is pretty!”

She gets it as well!

I give her a sudden hug that makes her stumble, which makes us both laugh.

“Then we can put the green one here”, she says as she hangs the sphere somewhere else.

Mama is now carrying Mashka so she can reach the top of the tree. My baby sister carries a sphere she wants to hang.

“Look at me!” Mashka exclaims at us as she extends her hands.

I look at her and wave my hand. Tatiana turns around, smiles and waves at Maria as well.

I miss being carried like that, but I like that I am getting bigger, and our soldier friends always carry us when we ask them. My favorites are the Cossacks, papa likes to tell me lots of interesting things about them. They wear pretty coats and fur hats, they are nice and loyal and friendly to us. They are some of the soldiers that fought Napoleon and kicked him out of Russia.

“You are a bird!” Tanechka yells, flapping her arms up and down. Maria giggles, so I imitate Tanechka. Tanya and I love pretending to be different things, like cats and butterflies, and people who work, and princesses, but princesses from a magic kingdom where there are fairies. We were mermaids once, and fairies too, of course. Yesterday, we were people waving at papa as he passed by.

Mama smiles at us as she carries my little sister. Maria is very cute up there and looks so very happy.

“No, you are an angel!” I exclaim as Maria giggles even louder. Her teeth gap is clearly visible even from up there. My sisters and I all have tooth gaps, we got them from papa.

“Don´t move too much girlie”, mama says, she is losing her balance. Maria is very fat now because she eats lots of candy, and no one can stop her. We used to call her fat little bow-wow because of that, we still do sometimes.

Maria likes to steal some of the candy at times, and give one or two sweets to the baby, which isn´t nice, but I don´t complain because she gives me some as well.

Miss Eagar comes to save Maria by helping Mama. She places my sister back on the ground.

“Did you see?” Maria asks as she runs towards us, Tatiana and I smile and nod. Maria gives me a very tight hug. I hug her back, and just when I am about to rest my head on hers, she jumps.

“I was very tall!” Maria exclaims.

“Yes you were”, I agree. She stands on her tiptoes and raises her hands high like a ballerina. I laugh and do the same, also trying to pirouette, but end up falling.

Tatiana helps me stand up as she and Maria laugh, I laugh as well. I like how the ballerinas dance. I wish I could be one when I grow up, but mama says little Grand Duchesses don´t become dancers. We do have dancing classes, but we don´t learn ballet.

“That was stupid”, I say to Tatiana as I giggle. “I wish I were a ballerina”.

“You don´t dance very well”, she answers with a grin. “You would need a teacher”.

“I like ballerinas as well”, Mashka says. “I want their dresses”.

“Me too!” Tatiana agrees.

“That is not the only reason I like ballerinas, Mashka”, I explain as I stroke her hair, and she looks up at me as if I were really smart, which I enjoy. “They are very good at dancing, and the music they dance to is beautiful, and we Russians are very good at creating ballets.”

“Oh, no!” Tatiana laments. She is no longer looking at me but has turned her attention towards the Christmas tree.

My jaw drops as I watch Anastasia ruining all the decorations by ripping the spheres away from the place we put them before while laughing as they fall. She throws all the spheres she can reach, breaking at least one. She is able to ruin more than that by grabbing parts of the tree. When she lets go, even more spheres fall. Baby Anastasia joins her hands together and claps, then she bursts into giggles.

All those had turned out so pretty. They are ruined. The red, blue and white spheres too.

I scream, loudly, and for quite some time, then I do so directly at my youngest sister. I try to be louder. Anastasia is scared and runs towards mama. Tatiana covers her ears and frowns. Maria starts crying.

“Olga!” Mama exclaims. “What is that dreadful sound? Stop it now!”

“Mama doesn´t like that sound”, Tatiana scolds me, “it makes her feel bad”. I slap her without thinking, and she covers her cheek.

Mama, who had received Anastasia to console her, gives her to Miss Eagar and walks straight towards me. Tatiana clings to her.

“Look what she did!” I yell, pointing at the spheres. All is ruined. It will never be as pretty and perfect again.

“Anastasia is a baby”, my mother replies, putting her hands on her hips. She is defending Anastasia after what she did. It is not fair. “All babies are like that, they don´t know what they are doing. You are 7, a big girlie now, and to be honest I thought you were past this behavior. You should not scream like that, or become angry over tiny things, you are acting careless about other people´s feelings, and how dare you slap your sister in the face?”

“What about my feelings?” I ask, trying to frown as hard as I can to show her. “And Tatiana was being rude”.

“Now you are being selfish darling”, mama says. “And Tatiana was the opposite of rude, she was being thoughtful, something you must learn to become yourself, young lady, you are the oldest.”

“Mama!” I exclaim with annoyance as I stomp on the floor with one foot. My entire leg ends up hurting.

I am not selfish. The baby was being selfish. Maybe she is tiny and doesn´t know much, but she has to learn as well, right? And I can be just as thoughtful as Tatiana… or can I? I search through my memories… come on Olga! Think! Times I was more thoughtful than her… oh no! Tatiana is now comforting baby Anastasia in Miss Eagar´s arms! Maybe I can´t be thoughtful after all! I feel the urge to cry.

Suddenly Maria squeals and runs towards the door. She has a grin on her face despite the tears on her cheeks. Papa is here. My frown disappears, but I have tears in my eyes. I hope mama doesn´t say anything, I don´t want him to be mad.

“You should reflect on this behavior, Olga”, mama tells me in a low tone of voice. “Maybe it is something you would like to confess to the priest, this coming year”. She then walks to greet papa, who is now hugging both Maria and Tatiana.

Mama and papa kiss, and then mama tells papa something.

Oo

Papa takes me for a walk, my fears have come true. We get ourselves wrapped up in coats and go outside to the park. I don´t like it when papa is his serious self instead of his fun self. I like it when we play together, and he laughs at my jokes. During this walk though, papa talks to me in a serious manner.

He scolds me for yelling at the baby and slapping Tatiana.

He asks me about my upcoming confession, I tell him I am already writing my sins down as he and my catechism master recommended. That way, I won´t forget them.

I am going to write this recent one as well. I love God and don´t want him to be sad about me doing bad things… I just don´t want to apologize to mama and my sisters yet, I am too embarrassed and scared, not of not being forgiven, I know they will forgive me.

I am scared of not deserving it. Maybe that is the way I will feel about God forgiving me when the time comes.

Why am I always bad? It is true Tatiana didn´t deserve that slap, and maybe Anastasia didn´t deserve to be frightened.

I miss Tatiana already, we are never apart for too long. I am a bit bored without her, and I just thought of a new game to play while we fix the tree… oh, no! I hope she isn´t done fixing it before I am back!

“You should always be courteous, Olga”, papa tells me as we walk. He is holding my hand as always, and despite scolding me before, doesn´t look angry at all. “It doesn´t matter if it is only us, your nannies, and your sisters around. I know you are nice to most strangers, you are a very gentle-hearted and caring girl”.

I smile when he says that, and I hug his arm. It means so much to me that I finally sob, and when I do, he puts his other arm around me.

“You should also be nice to the people you see every day, the people that take care of you, your mama and sisters,” papa says as he strokes my hair. “They all love you very much, and will always be there for you no matter what place in the world you find yourself in”.

“Like babushka and her sister Alexandra, right?” I ask, pulling away from the hug and wiping my tears. My grandmother´s sister is the Queen of England as well. Babushka has shown us tons of pictures of her and our cousins in England. “They were Danish princesses before, grandma tells us everything, and how they wore big wide dresses in those times, and how Alexandra met Prince Edward and grandma met grandpa, and how all of them knew my great great great great grandmother Victoria.”

“Exactly”, papa replies, smiling at me. “But she was your great grandmother only, Olga, not your great, great, great…”

Papa can´t finish, because we are soon laughing. It is hard sometimes to remember how many greats go before grandmother.

“But great great great grandmothers exist, right?” I ask.

“Sure”, papa says. “It depends on how many generations back you go. Nicholas I was my great grandfather, Pavel I was my great-great-grandfather…”

“And Catherine was your Great great great great grandmother!” I exclaim.

“No, Olga, you added an extra ´great´… oh! I see what you did there, my bright girl”. I feel papa picking me up and suddenly I am being spun around.

It is so fun, I love papa. He finally lets me down after a while, but I am so dizzy I fall into the snow. Papa laughs at that.

I decide to make an angel.

“So the old person gets a ´great´ more every time a descendant is born”, I say as I extend my arms in the snow.

“That is right”, papa replies, smiling down at me.

“Papa, will you be a great grandfather one day?”

“I hope so”, he says as he gives me a hand so I can stand up. “That would mean at least one of you gave me grandchildren”.

“I will give you lots if you want!” I exclaim while straightening up, and I start missing my baby sister Anastasia. I do want to have a baby like her when I am older, all smiling and happy.

“I know you will”, he says with a chuckle. “And you will make some European prince very lucky, giving him lots of heirs”.

“European?” I ask. “Can´t he be Russian like you?”

“We will see when the time comes, dear”.

“If I marry a European prince, will I have to live somewhere else?”

“Well, that is how it works, but don´t trouble your little mind with that yet, you are only 7”, he is chuckling by the time he finishes the sentence.

“But can I bring Tanechka when I go live abroad with my prince?” I ask, and papa laughs again.

“Sure, if Tatiana marries a prince from the same country”, he answers. I am not satisfied with that response, so I frown.

“If Tanechka is not allowed to come with me to the country of the prince”, I say, “I am getting a disvorce”. Papa opens his eyes widely.

“You are getting… a what?” He exclaims.

“A disvorce, like Cousin Ella´s parents”.

“Where did you hear that word?”

“At Aunt Xenia´s”, I say proudly, because it seems I know something that not even papa knows about! “Aunt Xenia was talking to grandmamma about it, she didn’t see me!”

“Do you know what that is?” Papa asks. His voice is shaking, he seems nervous.

“It is when the mommy and the daddy go to live in different places.” Papa nods when I explain. “Poor Cousin Ella.”

“Well, don´t let your mama know you know about this”, papa says. “It is a very sad subject, and you don´t want to make your mother sad.”

I nod.

“Do you want to go back now?” Papa asks me.

I love carrying baby Anastasia and holding her little hands as I help her walk and run around, and I love playing with her, but what if she hates me now?

“No!” I answer back.

He gives me a sad look but doesn´t say anything.

We keep walking and eventually sit on a bench. Something occurs to me.

“Papa!”

“What is it?” He asks.

“Do you think Father Christmas will bring me presents after what I did?!”

I don´t really care about the presents, I just don´t want mama and Tatiana to say they told me so when we open the presents on Christmas morning, and I want all four of us to play together with our presents.

“Of course my dear”, papa replies with a gentle smile that calms all my fears. “You have done mostly good things this year, and other years, you are a very Christian girl, remember when we were riding a car and you saw a poor little girl who was crying?”

“I threw the doll at her”, I finish the story as I nod. “I thought maybe Santa hadn´t given her any presents.” I hope she liked the doll, I liked it as well, but she needed it more. I hope she still plays with it.

“But you have to apologize to your sisters and mother, the same way we all have to ask for forgiveness from God for our sins. That sound you made hurts mama´s head, you know, right?”

“Yes, papa”. We stay silent for a while, I rest my head on his shoulder, and then I have another thought:

“Papa, isn´t witchcraft a sin?”

“Yes, of course”, he replies.

“Then why did the Shah of Persia send a witch to our palace in Crimea?” I ask.

The magician performed at a children´s party, my sisters and I had so much fun and laughed a lot because he did a lot of amazing things.

He produced a pair of live pigeons from a pudding! And then, when he had a guinea pig in his hand, he passed his other hand over it, and then there were not one, but two guinea pigs in his hands!

I wanted one of those fluffy little animals so badly, Tatiana and Maria did as well, so we got on the platform where he was performing. Tanechka was insistent: “Oh! Please, Mr. Conjuror, make me a guinea pig for myself!” But Miss Eagar told us that the little guinea pigs were so fond of their master, that they would be sad if taken away, so we went back to the hall.

Princess Helen liked the show as much as we did. Mama liked it as well, she even congratulated the performer, but I don´t understand why, she takes all of God´s rules seriously.

Papa laughs out loud in front of me for minutes and then explains that magicians are no witches, as they really do no magic.

“How did he make the guinea pigs appear then?” I ask.

“I don´t know, my dear”, papa says with a shrug. “That is the real magic of magicians, they are able to do extraordinary deeds without magic”. I smile at papa because I love him so much, but that is not really an answer.

I want to know how the magician made those pigeons and guinea pigs appear. Maybe my cousin, Irina, will help me figure it out when I see her and her little brothers again one of these days. I hope I can see them soon, my cousins are a lot of fun and play very cheerful games, and aunt Xenia just had another baby boy named Rostislav. I love babies. My Tanechka is very smart, but Irina is older.

“Are you excited for Christmas?” Papa suddenly asks.

“Yes, papa!” I say with a jump from the bench. “For both of them!”

Papa stands up as well and we continue walking.

“I am glad to hear”.

“I am glad I am Russian so we can have two Christmases. Cousin Ella says in Germany they don´t have two Christmases”, I say, he chuckles. “You do know why we have two Christmases, right papa?”

“Oh, I do know, but I would like to hear why from you”.

“We Russians use the Julian calendar, and other people use the Gregorian calendar, which was created later. Our Christmas falls on January the 7th for them because their calendar is 13 days ahead.”

“That is right”, papa agrees with a nod. I miss Tatiana even more now that I remember last Christmas, and the two before that. I miss mama as well.

“I think I want to go back, papa. I will tell mama that I am sorry”, I say, and after he asks me whether I am sure, we turn around and start walking back towards the palace.

“Do the two calendars confuse you when you are working?” I ask papa.

“Sometimes”, he admits with a chuckle. “But I think our relatives abroad get confused more often”. I laugh at that, imagining what it must be like for them.

“I hope Uncle Willy is very confused”, I say with a grin, and papa laughs out loud. Uncle Willy is the German Emperor, but we don´t like him very much because he is very, very strange, and obsessed with parades.

“What are you doing now at work, papa?” I ask again after we are done laughing.

“I have been reading some reports relating to the Far East”, he answers.

“Oh! Is that like China? What is it about?”

Papa and I continue talking about his job as we approach the palace. I like talking to papa about important grown-up things.

The guards recognize us and thus let us in. We walk through the long halls and towards the playroom.

I already want to see my sisters again, to talk with Tatiana about stories, and then play those stories out with our dolls. Tatiana knows how to make the dollhouses with sheets the best way. I want to keep showing little Mashka how to do it and make cute baby Anastasia laugh. I hope she is not too scared of me now.

But first I have to apologize, to my poor mama as well.

“This is going to be a magic Christmas”, I tell papa as we arrive at the playroom. “It is not really magic, magic, though.”

Mama will always love and forgive me, all while still wanting me to be better. Her love is like God´s. I think of this as I spin my little Anastasia around and then play with her by chasing her around. She is the best at playing this.

Tatiana and Maria can also come up with pretty decorations.

The most magic part about tonight is that papa and mama are both playing with us four in the playroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t believe I actually had a chapter ready for Olga´s birthday, I feel so proud of myself.  
> For those who also follow my other story, I am working on another chapter, but I am having tons of homework these days.


	10. Calm before the storm.

Moscow. July 17, 1918.

Doroteya Filippovna Lavrova.

After spending another happy Christmas with their daughters, Nicholas and Alexandra prepared themselves for a special ball in early 1903, a 17th-century imperial costume ball at the Winter Palace on January 22, or February 4 in the new calendar.

The sheer opulence of the ball was near blinding. It was dedicated to the 290th anniversary of the Romanov dynasty. The Tsar invited 390 guests, and the ball ranged over two days of festivities. Everyone assisted wearing traditional Imperial Russian clothing from the 17th century. Court ladies wore dresses embroidered with precious stones and kokoshnik head-dresses adorned with the finest family jewels, while the men donned richly decorated caftans and boyar-style fur hats.

The costumes were designed with the help of historical consultants. Emperor Nicholas disguised himself as his ancestor Alexei I, and Alexandra dressed as Maria Miloslavskaya, Alexei´s first wife. Peter Carl Fabergé chose the jewelry, including Tsarina Alexandra´s pearls, topped by a diamond and emerald-studded crown, as well as an enormous emerald on her brocaded dress. Fabergé is a Russian jeweler, well known among the higher classes for his famous Fabergé jeweled eggs. The ostentatious objects look like real, painted Easter eggs, and the Romanovs were great enthusiasts of Fabergé´s art. They gifted each other the most beautiful Fabergé eggs.

Alexandra´s headwear was so heavy she was barely able to move her head, but quite amazingly, she danced.

The first day featured feasting and dancing, a masked ball was held on the second. The steps were rehearsed with anticipation.

It was the last great spectacular ball in the history of the empire. While the aristocrats danced, the workers were striking, and the clouds in the Far East were hanging dangerously low. Soon, a great economic crisis would mark the beginning of the end for the Russian Empire.

Oo

Other than Tatiana badly injuring herself by pinching her leg while standing up in a car, the early part of the year went on as usual with few incidents.

The family went to Moscow for Easter, the greatest and most important festivity in Russia. It has a lot of significance for Christians all over the world, and is my personal favorite.

The Romanovs used to go to Moscow for Holy Communion every year during Passion Week. In preparation for it, one has to fast for a week and go to church both morning and evening for seven days. Then comes the confession of sins to the priest in order to receive absolution.

The rite of Confirmation is administered immediately after baptism, and children up to the age of seven years can receive Communion every month. After that age, confession and churchgoing are essential before receiving Communion.

All of the imperial children went to church with their parents often. With time, they learned to enjoy and understand its significance. Grand Duchess Olga already understood the things that were said at church. She liked to tell everyone about the service: “The priest prayed for mama and papa, and Tatiana and me, the soldiers and the sailors, the poor sick people, and the apples and pears." Then she would ask her parents questions about it.

Oo

To keep the children quiet, Alexandra used to make them think of things so that she could guess what they were. Olga always thought of the sun, sky, rain, or anything celestial, and would explain to her mother that it made her very happy to think of those things. They might have reminded her of God.

The intellectual little Olga once woke Miss Eagar up right after midnight to know how the water came upstairs into the bathroom. The nanny had begun to teach Olga when she was four years old, because she was always putting her fingers on a word in a paper and asking what it was, and she would look for the same word again. Eagar taught the oldest Grand Duchess the multiplication table.

At five, the Empress had thought it too bad that Olga was able to read English, but not Russian, and thereupon had gotten her a master, an aged Archbishop, and a famous theologian, but a very simple-minded old man. When he had been teaching the girl for a few days, he came to Miss Eagar and said: “You know this dear child so well that I feel almost convinced that you know what I have just discovered. The dear child is inspired!”

Miss Eagar gasped, and he proceeded to explain: "I wanted to teach her the multiplication table, and judge my surprise when I found that she knew it already!”

He was very thankful when the governess informed him that she had taught Olga the multiplication table, so he said: "I was troubled about it, for I did not see how I could teach one who was already taught supernaturally.”

But Olga could also be obstinate. One Christmas, despite Margaretta´s attempts to convince her otherwise, Grand Duchess Olga insisted on making a kettle-holder for her father, something that, of course, wouldn´t be of any use to him. It had a picture of a little kettle singing on a fire, which she embroidered around as a blue frame, and the little girl was very happy with her accomplishment. When Christmas came, she presented it to her father Nicholas II, saying: “Nanny was afraid that it wasn’t going to be much use to you because it’s a kettle-holder, but you can put it on your table and use it as a placemat, or hang it on the wall for a picture. Just see the pretty little frame around it.”

Oo

The little Grand Duchess Olga made her first confession at Moscow, during Lent I903, when she was seven. She received a gift from the children of Moscow, an icon of the Virgin Mary. The little girl looked immensely happy, being incredibly religious for such a small child. All of the imperial children would also do the same once they reached the age of seven.

A Midnight Mass is celebrated the night between Easter Saturday and Sunday. It lasts for about three hours. The mass starts sad at the beginning, as the churchgoers mourn the death of Christ at the cross and reflect on its significance. Exactly at midnight, the priest chants: “Christ is risen,” and the choir answers: “He is risen indeed." People kiss each other, and in a moment, the scene is changed from sorrow and mourning to joy and gladness. The four little girls absolutely loved it every time this happened. On Sunday, the fast is broken and everyone celebrates with a feast the resurrection of our Lord. Church bells can be heard all day long.

During the entire Easter week, hardboiled eggs are painted. The little Grand Duchesses used to do this as well. When you meet with an acquaintance you are supposed to say: “Christ is risen”, to which the person replies: “He is risen indeed”, and then eggs are exchanged. It is such an amazing time of the year! All little children love painting eggs. On Easter Sunday, the Emperor kissed all the men in his household, and the Empress, all the women.

Oo

One day, still during Eastertide, Miss Eagar and the little Grand Duchesses were driving in a carriage through the Nevsky Prospect, one of the main streets in St. Petersburg.

Seven-year-old Olga was being very naughty, standing up and then sitting on the moving carriage, a very dangerous thing to do. Five-year-old Tatiana was by now showing signs of a meeker and more obedient personality, and she had recently been hurt by standing up in a car. She looked at her sister and back at her nanny with a cheeky grin of admiration, but didn’t participate in Olga´s antics. Three-year-old Maria only smiled, and Anastasia was, of course just a toddler.

Miss Eagar was struggling to control Olga when a policeman passed by near them. The little girl suddenly sat down without coercing and folded her arms in front of her.

“Did you see that policeman?” Olga asked her nanny.

“Yes, dear”, Margaretta Eagar replied. “But that is nothing extraordinary, the police can do you no harm, he has no right to touch you”.

“But this one was writing something”, the child insisted. “I was afraid he might have been writing ´I saw Olga, and she was very naughty. ´” Her governess smiled.

“That is very unlikely” Margaretta assured her.

“But one time I saw the police arresting a woman, and I asked you to tell them not to hurt her and you said that it was right for them to arrest her because she was being really naughty.”

“That is because the woman was very drunk in the streets dear”, Miss Eagar explained. “You have to do something really big and really naughty before the police take you to prison. It is possible to live your whole life without going there.”

Once she returned home, Olga asked everyone if the policeman had returned or asked for her. Then she retold the entire story to her father.

“Papa, have you ever been a prisoner?” The little girl asked the Emperor. Nicholas laughed.

“I have never been quite naughty enough to go to prison”, the proud father replied.

"Oh! How very good you must have been, too", Olga remarked.

Oo

When the family returned to Tsarskoe Selo from Moscow, Alexandra and the girls all developed whooping cough.

Margaretta Eagar told the children they were to be most careful not to cough on anyone, or that person might take the disease from them. The little girls were very obedient, but one day, the little Grand Duchess Anastasia was sitting in her nanny´s lap, coughing and choking away, when the Grand Duchess Marie came to her and, putting her face close up to her, said: "Baby, darling, cough on me."

Greatly amazed, the nanny asked her what she meant, and Maria responded: "I am so sorry to see my dear little sister so ill, and I thought if I could take it from her she would be better."

So incredibly sweet.

Tatiana was a bit quieter but no less endearing and playful. She was also completely devoted to both her family and the people who served her.

Being very weak because of her illness, five-year-old Tatiana was ordered a great deal of nourishment, beef-juice among other things, but it was difficult to get the beef-juice swallowed. She asked Miss Eagar one day if she had made the juice. Margaretta Eagar thereupon drew a picture of the cook in the kitchen making it. His big knife cutting the beef figured in it conspicuously. Tatiana was greatly interested in it and said:

“Would it give the cook pleasure if I drank it?”

Miss Eagar replied that it would give him the greatest pleasure, so Tatiana said feelingly: “Send for the cook then.”

Miss Eagar indulged the little girl, and the chef came into the room. Tatiana asked him: “Monsieur Cubat, did you make this beef-juice?” He told her that it was one of the young cooks who had actually made it.

“Well, send him up and tell him to wear his big knife,” was her next demand. The beef-juice was put to keep hot. The little cook came up.

“Little cook,” she said, “you made me this beef-juice. Well, stand there and see me drink it.” She did so, gave him the empty cup, and let him go. Miss Eagar told her that it was very naughty of her to give so much trouble, but she replied:

“Well. You said it would give him pleasure if I drank it, and I certainly did not want to make him cry.”

While ill, Tatiana would sleep badly, and Margaretta would be up a good deal through the nights with her.

Grand Duchess Tatiana always asked her nanny to sing for her. Miss Eagar sang “Rock of Ages” over and over again till the little girl refused to listen to it anymore, so Miss Eagar fell back upon a song called “Villikins”. It interested Tatiana very much, but she always asked, referring to the characters in the song: “Why did poor Dinah drink the poison cold?”

Miss Eagar used to say to her: “She had not time to warm it, darling. Now, go to sleep.”

One night, however, Tatiana´s inquiries went further: “Why didn't she get her nana to warm it for her? You would have warmed it for me, wouldn't you?”

Some other day, Tatiana was being made ready to go out, and Miss Eagar went to get her coat, but when she returned, she saw another nurse shaking the girl.

How dare you shake Tatiana?” Eagar exclaimed. “You are paid to take care of her, not to correct her!”

Tatiana opened her eyes wide and turned them towards Eagar.

"She is paid?” The distraught child asked her.

“Yes”, the governess replied. “She is paid and I, also, am paid.”

Hearing that, little Tatiana put her head on her nurse´s shoulder and wept bitterly. Miss Eagar was flummoxed.

“You have seen me get my money every month”, Margaretta tried to tell Tatiana, but the Grand Duchess stated:

"I always thought it was a gift to you!”

A long explanation followed. The child was told that it was necessary that the governess was paid, as she had no money of her own and her way of earning money was to look after the children.

The next morning, Miss Eagar woke up and Tatiana was standing by her bed.

"May I get into your bed?” The child pleaded, and as she cuddled down in the arms of Margaretta, she exclaimed: "Anyway, you don't get paid for this.”

Tatiana was very sensitive, she was also exceedingly polite for such a small child, and expected the same in return. One day the children and their nanny were walking in the garden of the Winter Palace. The Emperor had some beautiful collie dogs that were exercising in the garden as well. One of them, a young untrained creature, jumped on Tatiana's back and threw her down.

The child was frightened and cried most bitterly. The nanny lifted her up and said:

“Poor Sheilka! She did not mean to hurt you, she only wanted to say 'Good-morning' to you.”

Still in tears, the child looked at Margaretta and said: “Was that all? I don't think she is very polite. She could have said it to my face, not to my back."

Some sense of humor she had!

Oo

One of my favorite visions of the four girls happened in the Standart. I think it happened in 1903, because little Anastasia was already looking and acting like a two-year-old. Walking very well, saying lots of words.

Seven-year-old Olga, five or six-year-old Tatiana, three or four-year-old Maria, and little Anastasia were playing on the deck, wearing their cute sailor shirts and skirts.

The Grand Duchesses were playing and dancing with the sailors as always when their mother asked them to stay still so that she could take a picture of them around a chair. Olga was about to sit with Anastasia on her lap, but the latter untangled herself from her sister´s grasp and started running over the deck. It was amusing to watch as her four older sisters and some of the sailors chased the tiny giggling toddler around. Anastasia was a fast runner. It was the Emperor who stopped the little girl, carrying her back to Alexandra. Needless to say, the four girls had a lot of fun that day.

That same year, the girls played with their cousins, as usual whenever they visited, or the other way around. Irina and Olga did something very funny together once while the other children played together. I saw the two little girls experimenting with some stuffed animals to see whether they could make them look as if they had just appeared, or disappeared for that matter, sort of like a magician would.

Oo

One of the few problems the sovereigns had to face in 1903 had to do with the Grand Duke Cyril Vladimirovich, the son of Grand Duchess Maria Pavlovna the older, and Grand Duke Vladimir Alexandrovich, Nicholas´s uncle.

Nicholas loved and admired his uncle for his intelligence and sophistication, and Miechen had convinced Alexandra to become orthodox.

In spite of this, I think Alexandra might have been a bit mistrustful of that side of the family even then. The way she sometimes talked about them to her husband, often betrayed a hidden fear.

Maria Pavlovna had two sons other than Cyril: Boris and Andrei, as well as a daughter named Helena. Alexandra had no sons to succeed her husband, so Miechen´s sons could one day ascend to the throne. Unlike Miechen, Alexandra was very shy and hated society, so Maria would, with time, become way more popular than the Empress herself, if she wasn´t already, with her magnificent balls, concerts, and other entertainments hosted at her residence, the Vladimir Palace, a court of her own.

This didn´t mean the sovereigns didn´t have friendly interactions with their relatives, they were family members after all, but they were very different from each other. Miechen and Alexandra, in particular, were complete opposites. Their attitudes to the duty of being royal were at odds.

Miechen loved and exploited all the glamour to the fullest, believing that princesses should be leaders of both fashion and society. She saw the luxurious lifestyle she enjoyed as an indicator of the power and wealth of the country. Duty as well as a pleasure.

The Vladimir Palace was filled with treasures set out in glass cases in Miechen´s dressing-room. Diamonds, emeralds, rubies, and pearls.

The Tsarina had jewels too, but disliked the wealthy, the aristocratic, and the powerful. She believed that the monarchy should devote itself to the poorest people in the country, the “real” people. Her most cherished virtues were honesty, simplicity, and profound religious faith. This did not sit well in Maria Pavlovna’s sophisticated circle. The Russian aristocracy could not understand why on earth Empress Alexandra knitted scarves and shawls as presents for her friends when she had seemingly endless money to spend.

All through life Maria had been cherished, adulated, and spoiled. She would spend what she could. Every luxury, comfort, honor, and advantage her position offered was accepted. She knew exactly what to wear for each occasion, never making a mistake. Being a second place to Alexandra, someone who seemed so inept, by her standards, would in time embitter Maria Pavlovna, and bring out the worst in her character.

An atmosphere of endless prosperity emanated from “Empress Miechen” as if she were the undisputed center of her own world, and she appeared to expect everyone around her to treat her with the same devotion she treated herself.

Grand Duke Vladimir also had his differences with Nicholas. His duty to obey his inexperienced nephew, someone he had known as a child, just because he was now the Tsar was a hard one to accept. Early in Nicholas´s reign, back in 1897, Grand Duchess Maria Pavlova had entertained some of her friends in the imperial box at the Mariinsky Theater, something she didn´t have permission to do and showed a lack of respect for the new sovereign.

Nicholas had to write a letter to his uncle Vladimir, telling him that something like that should never happen again. In the letter, Nicholas said that it was unfair of them to take advantage of the fact that he was young and their nephew. Nicholas reminded Vladimir that he was now head of the family, and that he could not turn a blind eye to what he considered inappropriate behavior. He also asked his uncle to help him keep the family firm and united.

It seems ironic now.

Oo

Miechen´s son Cyril, who was following a career in the Russian navy, would also prove to be a bit of a trouble maker. Cyril was passionately in love with Victoria Melita, Alexandra's ex-sister-in-law. In July of 1903, he asked Nicholas for permission to marry her.

Nicholas refused. Not only was Victoria Cyril´s first cousin, but she was also a divorced woman now.

Victoria Melita wouldn´t fulfill her long-time wish of marrying her cousin Cyril Vladimirovich, at least not that year.

Oo

By mid-1903, everything was going well on the surface. Nicholas and Alexandra looked particularly cheerful, especially around their girls, seemingly having overcome any sort of disappointment over the sad events of the previous year. The storm clouds gathered very silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that I haven´t been giving all my sources. It has been mostly Helen Rappaport, Robert K. Massie, and online search, livadia.org, tumblr (mashkaromanova), and Wikipedia most of all. If I get any ideas from fictional books or movies I always specify which ones, but because I write this for fun I don´t keep track of every single factual source I have ever used.  
> Just like before, lots of things are real and lots of things are fabricated. Many of the little OTMA stories are real and are mostly taken from Eagar´s memoirs, some are also fabricated for fun, but plausible. I am too lazy to distinguish them here but if you ask me in the comments whether an anecdote in particular is real, I will tell you. The outside events, unrelated to the family life, are all completely real, except of course the ones having to do with fictional characters, both canon and ocs.  
> Next chapter is from Gleb´s POV, but it may take a while because of homework.


	11. Stephen and Gleb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more like three or four, hell, even five chapters about Gleb in one. I don´t know what got into me. I have literally no self-control.  
> There probably won´t be more on Gleb for quite some time for this very reason. Not all or even most chapters will be this long I assure.  
> This chapter was greatly inspired by the Fan Fiction “Love like weeds” that is in my ao3 bookmarks (MaimuRose). I would not have known even where to start without that fic. I recommend it.

Ekaterinburg, spring 1903.

Gleb Stephanovich Vaganov finds it way too hard to focus on whatever his history teacher is saying. The 12-year-old boy´s attention is mainly directed at the portrait on top of the blackboard.

The boy´s father, Stephen, is not just a Marxist. He is one of those people that place their entire identity on a single ideal or goal. Stephen´s main goal is to make sure Gleb becomes a dedicated revolutionary, ready to spread his political ideas amongst the workers.

Gleb spent many hours sitting on his father´s knee, back when he was small and light enough for that, but he didn´t grow up listening to short stories or fairytales. He grew up learning about dialectic materialism, alienation, value, exchange value, surplus value, and class struggle.

Stephen Gavrilovich Vaganov has had a hard life. His education started and ended in a parish elementary school, and most of what he knows he had to teach himself. He started working at an even younger age than his son Gleb did. Stephen´s hands are filled with blisters, his back muscles ache. His work hours are long, and his wages low.

Gleb is proud of his father´s hard work. He is proud of the fact he works as well, on the weekends.

Gleb knows he is supposed to do something so-called greater with his life, that is what his parents want, but there is nothing as admirable for him as being like his father, or other people like him. The people that really make the world turn around, and yet are separated from everything they create, because they don´t own the means of production: the machines, materials, and lands. The people who are alienated from what they do and how they do it, from the fruits of their labor. From other people, as capitalism replaces cooperation with competition. From creativity, as being alienated from everything else makes them unable to reach their full potential. They struggle to simply survive.

Gleb likes to make poems about them, the workers, and everything they are deprived of. He likes to make poems about many things, but the ones he is most passionate about, he has to hide.

Gleb knows there are people who have it worse. There are poorer families, starving families, in both cities and the country. There are children dying young from preventable illnesses due to unhygienic conditions in the slums they are forced to live in. There are factory owners that pay even less, there are owners that break the few regulations put in place for greater profit, and there is little the government does about it.

The Tsar is the head of the system that allows all of this to happen.

He was taught about this the way most children are taught how to say their prayers. So, Gleb can´t focus, not when there is a tyrant on top of the blackboard.

Nicholas II stares at the entire classroom with his big, bulging blue eyes. Even at the spot Gleb is seated, almost in the back, he can see. He is able to see and differentiate every feature in Nicholas´s face better than most, but it is the Tsar´s eyes that bother him the most.

Gleb has a problem with eyes in general.

There are about 25 students in the classroom, all boys. All dressed up in black pants, white shirts, and long black buttoned coats that reach their feet. They also have a cap, but very few students wear it inside. Gleb does. Why wouldn´t he? It is part of the school uniform.

Each of the children has a desk and chair to sit on. There are two huge windows in the right wall. No curtains hide the fact it is the middle of the day.

Two big maps hang on the left wall.

One of the maps shows the entire Russian Empire. The other one focuses on Ekaterinburg, their city.

Ekaterinburg is located near the Urals, a mountain range that runs from north to south through western Russia, separating European Russia from Siberia, the Asian part of Russia.

Gleb´s mother, Elena, had a relatively easier life, but only when compared to that of her husband. She worked hard for everything she had as well. She still does.

Elena comes from the countryside, not too far away from the city. When crops failed, her parents sent her and her younger brother to work in the city. Elena´s brother came back, but she met Stephen.

Elena used to visit her childhood home frequently, along with her son and husband, back when her parents were still alive. Now they are unable to do so, but Gleb remembers the village: beautiful, colorful, and easy.

Gleb misses his mother´s village so, so much. He misses his babushka, his mother´s mother. He loved to watch her cook her vegetable soups and work on her embroidery. Gleb remembers his grandfather a bit less, but he knows he also weaved. His own shoes, and baskets as well. They were made of tree branches, but they didn't last long. He also made wooden spoons and sold them later in the marketplace.

Gleb remembers how green it is during the summer, he remembers running through the beautiful wildflowers in the open fields, the towering trees. Playing with wooden horses and bathing in the river with the other children. Gleb had no idea what to talk about with them, but they weren´t cruel, and they played with Gleb. For him, that meant the world.

The 12-year-old is finally beginning to realize most people find him strange. Even peasants called him “peculiar” in secret, not that Gleb knows about that.

This “peculiar” boy in question never quite managed to master the art of conversation or social interaction in general.

Gleb is interested in many things. He loves all kinds of music, but especially adores Russian music, the music the peasants played in their free time. He is fascinated by poetry and plays the piano.

So, Gleb has, in theory, an endless repertoire of interesting subjects to talk about, but for that, one first needs to find the “right” topic for each different circumstance, for each different person. One needs to understand there is a right time and place to talk about certain things. For Gleb, this is almost impossible. Particularly hard is talking to children his age, children not as well versed in Gleb´s interests.

But at least, in the countryside, kids were kind despite having little in common with Gleb. The moments he was supposed to smile or laugh were clearer. The rules one has to follow to interact with people are simpler.

The poor peasants, Gleb remembers, were happy, humble, and hardworking, despite everything they are made to go through under the yoke of the landowners, who do very little and get everything the peasants sweat and die for.

The Tsar loves those landowners, Gleb thinks. He relaxes as the peasants´ children die in epidemics, or from lack of medical care during childbirth. The Tsar loves the aristocracy before the common people, the bourgeoisie before the workers. The rich before the poor. He would rather die before offending any of the higher sectors of the population because he depends on them to keep him in power.

Gleb loves reading about his country. Its history and traditions, its people, and its nature. Its beauty, which for Gleb, includes the vast Siberia. Maybe it means Siberia most of all, but he knows the Tsar only cares for its resources and how to best exploit the workers to make use of them, so he can brag about his success, which is not his. At all.

The Tsar only cares about how good of a prison Siberia is. That is one of the things their beautiful home is known for, being on the road towards prison. Everyone knows about how bad their winters are. Few westerners know how beautiful the Urals look from the distance, or how they have cities with churches, factories, houses, hotels, schools, and shops just like everyone else.

The Tsar and his fear of his own people is the cause of their bad reputation. His fear is not unfounded. Gleb knows one day, the people will rise up. There will be a revolution, and his family will play a part.

With apparent pride, Nicholas wears that fancy army uniform. It is decorated with awards he probably did little to earn. Not that any of Gleb´s rich classmates would care. He doesn´t even understand very well what they do care about. Whenever he tries to do the things the other boys seem to enjoy, like playing football or wrestling, Gleb always ends up saying something insensitive without meaning to. And they definitely don´t like hearing about class struggle like his father´s grown-up friends do.

These kids are so attached to their privilege, Gleb decides, that they will naturally get mad whenever he mentions it, as discreetly as he is forced to by the circumstances.

Gleb prefers to exercise alone, practicing everything he learned in gymnastics. The other kids tease Gleb, saying he is bad at it, despite Gleb having the best marks.

Gleb knows some kids tease him, but he has trouble understanding that the kids claiming he is bad at gymnastics are also teasing him, so listening to their mockery only inspires Gleb to practice harder.

Yes, sometimes Gleb prefers to be alone. He can read or simply think about the things that truly interest him without worrying about the other person not responding, something that, with time, Gleb figured out meant they were not invested. He obsessed for weeks about the times that must have happened without him noticing. He obsessed about what that meant. What did those people think about him?

Right now, the other boys in the classroom are talking too much, too loud. They annoy Gleb almost as much as the portrait does. He wants to bang his head against the table, but he has learned to deal with stress by using different means.

Gleb starts twirling the pen around with his fingers. He doesn´t stop unless the teacher is dictating, which is when Gleb scratches his hair with his left hand instead, or simply bites that same hand, the hand he is not using to write.

He can´t hear what the old teacher is saying anymore. The other kids are talking louder than ever. Is he dictating or just explaining? What if he misses something and doesn´t write it down?

Gleb starts biting his hand.

“Look! He is doing it again!” One of the boys behind him giggles.

Maksim Ilinovich. Of course that is who he is, Gleb thinks. His father owns several metalworking factories, profiting off the labor of hundreds of innocent people without an ounce of regret.

Of course Maksim is also the one who picks on him the most, and whenever he is not doing so, he is bragging about his toys. His parents give him something new almost every week, all while some of Gleb´s neighbors have no toys to speak of.

Now Maksim and his friends are ruining their wood desks by using a coin to scratch some childish drawing on the surface. Gleb is willing to bet their stupid, so-called sketch will consist on male genitalia, because for some reason, they think that is really funny. Gleb doesn´t.

Gleb knows the teachers will probably turn a blind eye to it. They might erase the drawing by scratching the surface further, but no one will be punished for making it, because Maksim´s father donates a considerable amount of money to the school each year.

Their scratching is making more noise than ever, but the professor is so old he is almost deaf.

Gleb is beginning to grow anxious. For some reason, loud sounds bother him more than they bother most people, especially when they are irritating. The sound of that coin scratching the wood off the desk definitely counts as irritating.

He prefers to study alone as well, to review everything after class. That is what works. He has fairly decent grades in every subject. He just can´t concentrate like this.

Gleb hates school and tells himself he hates all of his classmates as well. That way, he can acknowledge the fact he has no friends without becoming sad.

They don´t appreciate their education, these kids, they take it for granted. Not that Gleb particularly enjoys history, or likes the teacher who is talking right now.

Gleb likes chemistry better, or math. Things one can measure, so he can know for sure he has the right answer.

This history teacher doesn´t teach the truth anyways, Gleb thinks. He praises their oppressive, imperialistic, and capitalistic system. Papa and mama know the truth. They have better books, the right books, free copies that they smuggle around in their workplace.

Gleb´s father and mother have books that explain why everything is the way it is, why there are poor people in the world. Most of those books are illegal, but Stephen has successfully taught Gleb that whenever a book is banned, it means it actually speaks the truth.

Sitting behind Gleb are Maksim and four of his friends. Gleb knows they are whispering things amongst themselves. He is painfully aware, as the sound of whispers is one of the most irritating for the boy.

The fact Maksim and his friends are brainstorming ways to torment Gleb is unbeknownst to him though. They love doing that because no other outcast at school is as fun to bully.

Gleb often reacts with confusion instead of anger, which they find amusing. In the few occasions Gleb does manage to deduce Maksim and his friends are, indeed, trying to push him around on purpose, Gleb becomes easily upset. His sensitivity makes him the perfect target.

A piece of paper hits the back of Gleb´s head and falls on the floor almost immediately. Annoyed, Gleb turns around in search of the person who did it. Maksim and his friends are laughing.

Maybe it was an accident, Gleb thinks. It must have been some sort of game directed at one of the boys in front of him, because he isn´t friends with the kids in the back. Not that Gleb would want to be their friend now, he reminds himself.

But still, he remembers the way it felt to long for it. Gleb tried. He tried to explain things to his peers as much as he could without revealing too much, so that they could be on the right side of history when the time came. They mocked him, it just took a long time for Gleb to even realize they were mocking him.

“Whose is this?” Gleb asks the boys in the back as he picks up the piece of paper.

The history teacher, Professor Ivanov, is already walking toward Gleb´s desk.

The teacher´s hearing is so bad that Gleb is the only student he can, or wants to, suspect of being distracted. Ivanov´s eyesight is not nearly as bad, so Gleb is the one he can actually detect doing something wrong.

Gleb is turning his back on him.

“Can you explain to me what demands your attention, Mr. Vaganov?” Ivanov asks once he is standing right in front of the boy´s desk.

“Right now? You sir”, Gleb answers, quickly turning his head back towards the teacher. “You, my notebook, and the blackboard, because I am writing everything down”.

Gleb decides to put the piece of paper back on his desk, because it appears none of the kids want it back. He looks down at his notebook, so Mr. Ivanov knows he is paying attention.

The old history professor doesn´t like Gleb to begin with, and now the cheeky future criminal is intentionally using his signature matter-of-fact tone to mock his elder. 

Sergei Sergeievich Ivanov isn´t allowing that kind of disrespect to go unpunished, he decides. Not again. He lets out a chuckle. That boy will be taught a lesson.

The chuckle is deeply confusing for Gleb, who in truth, didn´t actually intend to mock anyone.

“Look at this one,” Sergei exclaims, gesticulating to get his students´ attention. “Do you think you are funny?”

“No”, Gleb replies, shaking his head calmly. He doesn´t look at the professor´s eyes, but continues staring at his notebook.

Despite appearing composed, Gleb is very nervous. His mind is coming up with a thousand million reasons as to why the professor hasn´t put the issue to rest.

“Do you think he is funny?” The teacher now asks the other children.

They chant a “No” out loud. They almost sing it.

The teacher is still angry, and all of the other boys are laughing now. Gleb doesn´t understand what those people want from him.

“What was I explaining before you interrupted me?” Mr. Ivanov asks again.

“The founding of Ekaterinburg”, Gleb replies.

Silence.

“And?” He continues. “Explain it to me”.

“It was founded under the decree of Peter the Great, in 1723, to exploit the Ural region´s mineral riches, and, um…”

“You have the general idea. Now, what was I explaining the exact moment before you interrupted me?”

“I didn´t listen, sir”, Gleb decides to admit. “They were making a lot of noise, but I didn’t interrupt you. The one who interrupted you was Maksim, I heard him talking, and a boy in the back threw this piece of paper at me”.

Gleb shows his teacher the ball of paper in question.

“Look at me”, Ivanov orders. “Where are your manners? It is me you are supposed to be talking to, and yet you haven´t looked me in the eye the entire time”.

Gleb hates it when this happens. Why? Why do people have to be like this? It is clear he was talking to the professor. Still, the boy is too nervous to do as the teacher says, so his gaze stays fixed on his desk and school utensils.

Sergei Sergeievich notices this, and continues scolding his student:

“Or perhaps it was your desk that wanted to hear about the history of Ekaterinburg, is that so? I am sorry to interrupt your conversation then”.

Professor Ivanov looks down and says:

“My sincerest apologies, Mr. Desk.”

The students burst into giggles.

Gleb, failing to detect his teacher´s sarcastic tone, doesn´t understand how Mr. Ivanov could think he was talking to the desk. Gleb feels deeply insulted.

“I am not crazy!” Gleb protests, and all of his classmates´ giggles transform into loud bouts of laughter. “I was talking to you but…”

“Then look at me, and tell me what we were talking about.”

Gleb needs more than a minute to recover. He frantically fidgets with his hands. The sound of laughter directed at him is draining, draining, and stressful.

“If you would like…” the boy becomes brave enough to say. “I could say some stuff I do know.”

Without ceasing the fidgeting, Gleb slowly raises his head to stare at the professor’s green eyes. It is so distracting for him. Scary as well.

Gleb has never felt so uncomfortable. He decides to look between the teacher´s nose and forehead instead. He might not notice.

Gleb then starts talking about how Ekaterinburg started as a mining plant. About the way it was named after the wife of Peter the Great, Catherine. He talks about copper, the reason Ekaterinburg exists in the first place.

“The Iset river divided the city”, the boy explains effortlessly. “The plant dam with factories was in the center of the city. The main buildings of the early years were located along the dam.”

He talks about how, because local factories needed investment, two years after the construction of Ekaterinburg, copper coins were minted.

Gleb likes talking about his city. He loves Russian history. He could drown in everything related to Russia, and now he is allowed to talk about it all he wants. He was literally asked to.

The main product of all ironworks, state-owned or private, used to be bar iron. It was exported, and suddenly all of Europe wanted their iron, the iron produced in Ekaterinburg. If only the people had directly benefitted from that commerce, Gleb can´t help but mention, and not just through selling their labor to the capitalists, but by actually owning the resources they worked and still work hard to transform into products.

Metal produced in Ekaterinburg was even used to build the Eiffel tower in Paris. Gleb hopes his classmates will find at least that bit interesting.

Gleb talks and talks. His knowledge of history is comparable to that of the professor himself, and Sergei Sergeievich is not a fool. He is aware and reasonably worried.

Gleb spits both facts and opinions. Dangerous opinions. Gleb is perfectly capable of misleading his other students, his innocent and well-meaning students.

Sergei notices that Gleb is, once again, struggling to maintain eye contact.

Gleb is so excited to be talking about one of his most cherished interests that he doesn´t even realize his gray eyes have been wandering. Sergei is, on the other hand, absolutely outraged, and is about to take what he considers a childish act of rebellion very personally.

“Look at me!” Sergei yells.

Gleb immediately stops talking, and before he has any time to look back into the professor’s eyes, the old man grabs his chin and forcefully makes him do so.

Now, this is physically painful for Gleb, and he feels very alone because of this. His father doesn´t understand. No one understands. Only his mother tries.

Gleb doesn´t even understand why it is, apparently, painful for him only.

His gray eyes fill with tears. He can hear his classmates laughing. Some of them sound sympathetic, as they keep telling the others to shut up and leave Gleb alone.

All the sounds have one thing in common: They are incredibly frustrating for Gleb.

“I didn´t ask you about the minting, or the iron in the Eifel tower, did I?” Professor Ivanov asks.

He looks so angry, Gleb thinks. He is also old and ugly. Gleb hates having to look at his face. He hates the feeling of his sweaty fingers in his chin, and he hates not being able to move his head.

Why is the teacher so angry about Gleb knowing things? This time he didn´t even mention the exploitation mine workers have historically suffered, Gleb thinks.

He did, in fact, mention it, Gleb later admits to himself.

It doesn´t really matter, because he didn´t actually talk about it that much. But still, Gleb knows he shouldn´t have. Last class, Professor Ivanov made it very clear that he doesn´t really care about history, only about “noteworthy” people. That means “people with money”.

To be fair, Professor Ivanov didn´t mind that Gleb started talking about the Decembrists, or the persecution Old Believers suffered in the past, but he did get mad both times when Gleb kept talking after the teacher specifically told him to stop.

Gleb didn´t want to stop. He wasn´t finished explaining how the Decembrists are still relevant in this day and age, and he hates the way the suffering of an entire group of people is reduced to a footnote in order to make those tyrannical Tsars look better. Many ethnic minorities are still persecuted today, and Gleb wanted to make a point by comparing them to the Old Believers so that some of his more bigoted classmates could come to sympathize.

Gleb can´t lower his chin with that man grabbing it like that, but he wants to look down again at least. No. He needs to.

As soon as his eyes move, the teacher grabs Gleb by the collarbone and orders him to stand up.

Sergei hates him, Gleb thinks, and he hates him back. At least the other teachers treat him fairly. Gleb´s chemistry and music teachers are so nice he has trouble deciding which one is his favorite. Professor Ivanov, on the other hand, becomes mad at the slightest offense.

After Gleb does stand up, he knows it is coming. One of those things that happen to him. He is about to lose it.

The teacher is so angry he might not want to explain to Gleb what he was indeed talking about, and then he is going to get back at him by including very specific questions in the tests. Gleb is going to fail his final test. His father will get so angry… he doesn´t like this school to begin with.

The boy feels a lump in his throat. He knows the professor is scolding him, he knows he keeps asking questions, but it is too much, he is too close to his ear.

Gleb might explode. He is about to embarrass himself shamefully and won´t be able to do anything to stop it.

The other kids keep talking behind him, saying things about him. Gleb can´t figure out what, but he suspects the truth. Most are talking about how strange he is.

“Why is he so upset?” One asks.

“He is so sensitive!” Another one exclaims.

“Why is he crying?” That is what most of them are wondering. All of them have been called out like this at least once by a teacher. It is embarrassing, but not a reason to cry.

Gleb doesn´t know how he is supposed to get out of this situation. He doesn´t even understand what the teacher is saying. He opens his mouth but words don´t come out.

It is coming, he won´t be able to control anything.

Gleb clamps his hands over his ears and starts trying to shut everything else out. He starts sobbing. Now he is rocking. He is struggling to breathe.

At this point, he definitely can´t control anything that he is doing. He can´t, he is trying… and he is in the middle of the class, he realizes with horror.

This has happened before, but not like this, not with everyone so focused on him.

It is another boy who gets the right answer, but Gleb doesn´t listen. He can´t breathe. He can´t distinguish any of the different sounds, and yet he is hearing all of them at the same time. The questions, the scolding, the mockery, the laughter….

“What a baby!” One boy exclaims. Gleb doesn´t listen. It is probably for the best.

Too many emotions at the same time, a time that seems to go slower than usual. Hard to describe, but it is like torture, and at times, Gleb doesn´t even know how it feels.

Gleb´s head hurts, but the embarrassment is causing most of his tears. Why is it only him that reacts like that to a professor being cruel? None of the children do, and some have gone through worse, he knows that. He has never been hit in the hands with the cane, in fact, he has never been hit by a teacher.

And yet, Gleb is sure he looks more childish and pathetic than the students that have indeed been hit.

Gleb doesn´t think he will ever be the way his father wants him to. Why is it so easy for him to make friends? Why is it so easy for him to walk through life and face its obstacles? Why is it so easy for everyone?

Whenever the men who work at the same factory as Stephen visit their small flat, they all seem to respect him. They all enjoy his company.

Stephen has secretly gathered all of them to their side with such ease. Gleb has never been able to do that, not even in controlled environments, with the children of his father´s friends. They all prefer his father. Gleb is just strange, and he is slowly awakening to the knowledge.

The next time Gleb becomes aware of his surroundings, he is rocking, back and forward, in the corner of the classroom.

He is facing the wall. That was one of his punishments: Standing in the corner to face the wall until the end of the class.

There is blood running down the side of Gleb´s head. He banged his head a few times until Sergei asked another student to keep an eye on him. The last time Gleb did that, he had been five years old.

Gleb really hopes his mother won´t find out. He wipes the blood away and is pleased to realize it comes from a very small wound.

The class is already over, and the other children can be heard yelling in the playground downstairs. Far enough for Gleb to feel at ease, but he doesn´t feel at ease. He is just tired. He wants to continue crying and then fall asleep.

This is only Monday, Gleb thinks as he keeps rocking back and forward. Four more days to go.

Almost two years in this school. He will be 13 years old in September. Five more years and he will be free.

Professor Ivanov is still there. He grabs Gleb by the shoulder, making the boy jump. He almost faints.

The professor leads Gleb away from the wall and tells him to sit back down.

There is chalk on the blackboard, but it is none of what was written before during class. That has been erased, and a new sentence occupies its place: “I won´t ever contradict my teacher in history class.”

Ivanov tells Gleb he needs to write that down in his notebook 200 times.

Gleb doesn´t mind writing down the same line over and over again. He likes the repetition, but what Ivanov wants him to write down goes against everything his conscience demands. Gleb´s actions have always followed his beliefs, not the other way around. Answering open questions in Mr. Ivanov´s tests is hard enough for Gleb, and so is having to sing “God save the Tsar” at the start of every day.

Professor Ivanov hasn´t left yet. He is standing closely next to Gleb, and soon starts lecturing him:

“The lines are just a formality. I know you won´t contradict me ever again, because this is the last time you will get to speak in my class, Mr. Vaganov.”

Gleb stays silent, wipes his tears, picks up his pen, and begins to copy the sentence on the blackboard for the first time.

“I have provided you with many opportunities to correct your behavior”, the teacher continues. “But you never fail to disappoint me with yet another one of your rants. You love turning our class into a ridiculous two-person debate club, don´t you?”

He pauses as if to see whether Gleb will backtalk, but he won´t. Gleb has nothing to say to him. His words don´t inspire an ounce of emotion in him. He is just tired, and thinks only of copying the exact same sentence correctly for the sixth time.

“You are not as smart as you think you are, or even capable of facing the consequences of your own actions”, Ivanov declares, “just another stubborn child regurgitating whatever he is told without any sort of doubt, some of it is factually incorrect as well. I hope you learn to reflect on everything you have been taught before it is too late.”

Silence again. Gleb has already done 15 lines and hopes his teacher will shut up soon, so he can go even faster.

Sergei Sergeievich doesn´t speak again for a minute.

“I have never witnessed such a meltdown over nothing in a boy your age”, the old man suddenly spits. Venomously, in Gleb´s opinion.

That would have stung, but Gleb feels numb somehow. The child feels more upset about having to write down that he won´t be able to state the truth in class ever again, and he is more focused on finishing quickly. He has work to do later.

“If it were up to me, you wouldn´t be studying here, and your father would be under surveillance right now”, the professor says, and for the first time, Gleb feels something.

Fear for his parents. Gleb imagines them being separated. He imagines them freezing, or being overworked as prisoners in some faraway place, prisoners like those transported through their city on the way east, escorted by soldiers.

Gleb hates those soldiers, most of his neighbors do as well. That is something he can talk about with other people without fear of them not caring. They hate the Tsar´s soldiers and the Cossacks. They hate the way they march, or ride their horses around their city as if they owned Ekaterinburg more than the locals themselves.

Gleb´s parents could indeed be arrested someday. That is something Gleb grew up knowing. Stephen is in charge of smuggling an underground publication around the city and distributing it among workers. He has developed a secret workplace organization as well, and writes illegal political pamphlets. His wife Elena is deeply involved.

Gleb learned to keep their secrets as soon as he started talking.

He can´t say anything to the professor though, because his mind is working way too slow. Gleb hopes Sergei thinks the reason he stays silent is that his accusations have no basis.

Unfortunately for Gleb, that is not what Sergei thinks.

The old man suspects Gleb´s parents are up to something. He knows the boy´s beliefs didn´t just spring out of nowhere. He is 12 for God´s sake!

Those unscrupulous people have effectively managed to indoctrinate their child to their perverse cause, and there is little Sergei can do about it that he hasn´t tried already.

It is not like the child has ever mentioned the word “Marxism”, “Marx”, or any of his theories by name. Gleb hasn´t even talked about them to the other students, although Sergei is not familiarized enough with any of those dangerous writings to know for sure. Gleb´s parents may very well subscribe to the beliefs of another one of those illegal parties. There are several. They might be anarchists for all Sergei knows.

Still, Gleb spits out enough garbage for Sergei Sergeievich to remember that the apple doesn´t fall far from the tree. If the child is already denouncing their God-anointed ruler, what dangerous plots could his parents be hatching right now? What if this is the only opportunity Sergei has to save some poor minister´s life about to be killed in some terrorist attack?

But Sergei doesn´t have any evidence, so it is not like he can report the child´s parents to the police. All he can do is lament the fact that Gleb, and a growing number of children like him, are studying in prestigious institutions to begin with.

Sergei knows no one decides the family they are born into, so he pities Gleb a bit. He just doesn’t pity him enough for it to cloud his judgment. Allowing children from poorer strata to have a higher education is dangerous and ultimately useless. They are needed as future workers.

It shouldn´t be allowed. Back in Sergei´s days, it was greatly discouraged. There were quotas. Maybe the solution is raising the price of the tuition.

Sergei doesn´t say any of this, of course, but is not like he hasn´t made his opinion known to Gleb before, when they were discussing education in the middle of the class. Sergei didn´t plan to, but one thing led to another, and soon it was as if there was no one else in the classroom except for Sergei and his student, talking about the achievements and failures of higher education in Russia. Sergei doesn´t even remember what the class was about before the debate started.

If Sergei were truly honest with himself, he would consider Gleb a gifted child, but he isn´t, and because of that, Gleb pays the consequences.

“You are such a disgrace to this institution”, Ivanov says, naively hoping his words will put down the fire in Gleb´s soul, instead of making it spread.

The simplicity of the task at hand makes having to deal with Sergei´s presence a bit easier for Gleb. It is nothing compared to the plight of the poor people, Gleb thinks.

Gleb may be bad at detecting sarcasm, and plenty of other emotions in people. He may not know how to say or do the right thing in each different social setting, but he is not dumb. He knows how the rich truly feel about people like him. His father has taught him well. He knows they want to keep them down and uneducated so that they still need them, so they can keep stealing their labor and call the fruit of it their “property”.

Sergei Sergeievich leaves the classroom. At last, Gleb thinks.

The next 150 lines are so going to be much easier, but now that everything the teacher talked about during class is gone, Gleb´s entire day is ruined.

Gleb is going to have to actually speak to the other students in order to ask them for their notes. It is going to be so embarrassing, especially after… well, what they saw.

Copying the notes will take some time, and then Gleb will have to do his homework. He won´t have time to read whatever he chooses to read in the library before going to his room as he usually does.

The teachers don´t allow the students to take any books home, even though they make exceptions. Gleb once saw another kid leave with a book from the library. There are just no exceptions for Gleb. He suspects it has to do with his background, and he is right.

The teachers are afraid Gleb might steal a book.

Gleb hates studying in a gymnasium, but still, he has to stay. It is the only way to enroll at a university, and once Gleb is studying at a university, he will find lots of friends with his same interests. That is what his father says: Universities are brewing grounds for revolution.

Stephen can´t stand the fact his son is studying in a gymnasium. He fears his fellow classmates will corrupt him with bourgeois values, or worse, make him soft. But knowing Gleb has a chance to go to a university is what made him and Elena work twice as hard for his education.

Teachers in gymnasiums are just tools to make students subservient to the Tsar, Gleb thinks. In university, teachers think, and encourage students to do the same. At least, he hopes so.

Elena works two jobs and still has time for her son. Gleb knows she has already fainted twice. Last lime, very recently.

Stephen works most of the time, at night as well. He comes home in pain.

None of them have taken a single break since Gleb began studying in this expensive school. They haven´t gone back to the countryside.

His parents are immensely hardworking people, Gleb thinks as he keeps writing. His eyes fill with tears as he remembers the time his father came from work crying in pain. Some metal pipes had fallen on his foot, but Stephen couldn´t afford to take a break.

But fear for his mother´s health is what makes him start crying.

His parents can´t even afford insurance, not anymore.

Stephen once told Gleb that he didn´t mind breaking his back if that, ultimately, served as a lesson to show him what it takes to move forward under tyranny.

“Your sole and only purpose in life will be making sure no other working-class parents have to suffer as much as we have”, that is what Gleb´s father says almost every week, every time they see each other.

Gleb isn´t sure he has what it takes to make his parents´ sacrifice worth it.

When Gleb was three, his mother almost died during a surgery needed to take his baby brother out. He had died in the womb. Elena required a long time to recover.

Some of Gleb´s earliest memories have to do with saying goodbye to his poor little brother and mother, who never got pregnant ever again after the incident.

Gleb wishes he could work just like everyone in his household. He wishes his brother had survived. He wishes it were him studying here.

His tears keep flowing, and some of them fall on his notebook, making two of the lines unreadable.

Sometimes, Gleb feels like an impostor, like he is robbing his parents. Like he is not really part of the working class.

Last year, Gleb tried to tell his parents he would prefer to start working full-time. His father had gotten really angry, going as far as throwing and smashing things around.

After Stephen had calmed down, he had sat Gleb down and talked to him about how far he would go, about the important revolutionary figure he would become. Things Gleb now suspects will never come to be. He is just too strange. He is strange and longs for a single friend. If Gleb were not an only child, maybe he wouldn´t feel this huge weight on his shoulders. Maybe he wouldn´t feel this lonely.

Gleb feels, most of all guilty. Impotent about being unable to help and save everyone. All those children that have died young, some of them his neighbor´s children, all those prisoners.

Sometimes, thinking of the hatred he feels for the Tsar makes Gleb feel a bit better. The Tsar does not have to worry about loneliness, he thinks. The Tsar does not have to worry about his children dying young. He doesn´t have to worry about back pains or fainting.

Tsar Nicholas will one day realize he isn´t as loved as he thinks he is. Someday he will feel as lonely as Gleb does now and will regret neglecting and imprisoning his own people. These thoughts make Gleb feel better.

Wanting to do so for the very first time, Gleb raises his head and actively stares at the Tsar´s portrait. His sole purpose is hating him.

After a minute, Gleb starts writing a poem on another page.

Oo

Gleb sits on a bench and watches the other kids play football during recess. He needs one of them to pass him the notes, but he is far too scared to ask them. He has been going around in circles through the gardens and the playgrounds, wiping his tears each time they come back. They must all think he is such a baby.

Football is so noisy. That is why Gleb hates playing it. If boys didn´t scream every time they scored a goal, it wouldn´t be half as bad. Gymnastics is such a better way to exercise. The rings, the pommel horse, or just jumping. It is all so fun. Whenever there is no public around, boxing is also nice.

Gleb stands up and keeps searching. Maybe he will ask the kids that are sitting on the ground near the big tree in the back.

No. Maksim and his friends are there. He is definitely not going to ask them.

“You stay away you weird, ugly little troll!” Maksim yells, not at Gleb, but at another kid, one from a lower grade. “It is mine now, dwarf! If you had stopped bothering us then you would still have it.”

Maksim pushes the small kid to the ground. The petty insults were enough to make Gleb flinch, but that poor kid must have also landed badly, he thinks, and is now weeping inconsolably. Gleb feels so sorry for him.

There is something in Maksim´s hand, a small toy soldier.

Another boy from Gleb´s class rushes to the small kid´s aid. His name is Peter. Two of Maksim´s friends get in the way and jump on the newcomer, overwhelming him with kicks and punches.

“Leave my brother alone!” The little kid yells pitifully.

Gleb thinks his following actions very little. He immediately rushes towards them, swings his arms, and throws two strong and quick punches at each of Maksim´s friends.

He punches them in the face as hard as he is able to. They end up in the ground, holding their heads. One of them starts crying.

Gleb doesn´t know how to feel about it. Maksim stares at him with wide eyes. Peter rushes towards his little brother.

“I am going to tell a teacher!” Maksim yells.

“Go ahead stupid!” Peter exclaims. “I am going to tell them I saw you selling cigarettes in your room.”

Maksim stares at Peter, then at Gleb, who lowers his gaze. Maksim´s friends have already run away, so he turns around, intending to follow them. Gleb won´t let him.

“Hey! Hey!” he yells. “That isn´t yours. Don´t you have enough toys already?”

Maksim stares at the little soldier, and then exclaims:

“Well, I am not going to give it back!”

Despite being an outcast, Gleb has never actually been physically attacked by any of his bullies. He is the tallest of his grade, muscular for his age as well.

Gleb used to box, Maksim remembers, he was good as well but stopped this year. Gleb´s overall passive personality makes him safe enough to tease, which can be fun, but even conceited children such as Maksim have self-preserving instincts.

Gleb doesn´t need to hit anyone else. He just looks at Maksim´s ugly face. He thinks of everything that entitled little idiot has said to him as he gives him a death stare.

Then, Gleb takes two tentative steps forward. It works miracles.

In a second, Maksim drops the toy and goes away.

Gleb feels good about himself, which is something rare. Now he knows how he feels about the kid who started crying, the one he punched. He deserved it. He was like an oppressor, but on a smaller scale. Even if he didn´t deserve it, Gleb thinks, if he hadn´t punched him, the bully would have continued hitting Peter.

Intimidating people feels good, Gleb realizes. It gets things done, and it feels like the exact opposite of being mocked in the middle of a classroom. Working hard to appear strong, as vain as it sounds, is important.

Gleb, Peter, and his little brother Leonid sit under the tree after the incident. Peter lets Gleb copy his notes while Leonid watches, his toy soldier is back in his hand.

“That was so awesome Gleb!” Leonid exclaims. “Did you see their faces? They were scared of you!”

Gleb smiles and nods. It is not often other kids give him compliments.

“Why did you stop boxing, Gleb?” Peter now asks. “I remember you did last year. You were better than any of us, and will probably grow bigger. You could win any tournament.”

“You could go be in the 1904 Olympic games next year”, Leonid says.

“That would be silly, he will be only 14”, Peter corrects him, and, after chuckling, continues: “The 1908 Olympics though…”

“I don´t like loud noises”, Gleb explains. “People are always yelling at competitions.”

“I can tell”, Peter says. “Is that why you never talk to anyone? You are always so serious and withdrawn”.

“I prefer to read in the library. My parents can´t afford to buy as many books, and you rich people are never interested in the things I have to say”.

The three children stay silent for a long time.

Gleb continues copying, but he is worried. Did he offend Peter? He was just stating the truth. What did he say now? Will Peter speak to him again after he is done copying? Will Leonid?

“Well, Gleb...” Peter finally begins to say. “Some of my friends and I actually think a lot of what you say is really interesting, but…”

“But?” Gleb asks. He really wants Peter to continue.

“How do I put this? It is just… sometimes, you can be kind of…”

“Strange”, Leonid blurts out.

“Overenthusiastic!” Peter exclaims as he covers Leonid´s mouth.

“But I _am_ enthusiastic about the things I talk about,” Gleb protests. “Aren´t most people enthusiastic about their interests? I don´t understand a thing.”

“Well yea”, Peter chuckles, “but there is being interested, there is being really interested, and then there is you. I bet you would give speeches against the government even at funerals. You seldom talk about anything else”.

Peter and Leonid start laughing. Gleb is more confused than ever.

“I wouldn´t talk against the government at funerals… well it depends on whose funeral”, Gleb explains. “If the person who died worked for the state and had a role at implementing its repressive measures, then I guess that as a protest, it could be viable.”

Before Gleb can begin to decipher what the “then there is you” part could mean in order to address it, Peter takes everything he said back:

“It was a joke.” His expression is serious.

“Um, all right”, Gleb says.

An awkward silence descends upon them.

“I knew it”, Gleb adds after a while. It is not true, but Gleb doesn´t want Peter to think he is some sort of idiot. The silence remains.

It takes a lot of effort for Gleb to be the one to start the conversation this time:

“You are the serious ones now.”

Silence. Gleb is too scared to look up to see their reactions as well.

“Our father works for the government”, Peter finally speaks.

Gleb is relieved to hear him talk, and, completely overlooking Peter´s serious tone, decides to say something funny as well:

“I didn´t say I was going to kill him. I was just going to make an antigovernment speech at his funeral.”

Peter raises his eyebrows, Leonid frowns. Gleb begins to suspect he has said something insensitive once again. He decides to finish copying quickly before Peter declares he no longer wants him to use his notes.

“That was also a joke”, Gleb says with a smile, they may have thought he meant it. “It was a joke because I don´t know your father. He is probably decent enough and just doing his job. I wouldn´t make a speech at his funeral if he died, but it is funny that I said I would, because it is a joke like you said. Jokes are like that, aren´t they?”

Nothing. They don´t talk anymore. Gleb understands them a bit. He loves his father as well, and the mere thought of him dying is painful to contemplate. 

Gleb loves jokes but is clearly not very good at them. His heart feels heavy. He thought he had finally made some friends.

Oo

Every day after his final class, Gleb goes back to his room as late as he is allowed to. That way, he doesn´t have to talk to his roommates: Valentin and Timofei.

It is not that Valentin and Timofei are mean, but Gleb finds all sorts of interactions with them hard. He has to rehearse his “good nights” every day. He also prefers to read.

Tonight though, Gleb decides to go back to his room earlier.

There were way too many things on Gleb´s mind, so homework took him a lot longer. He also had to re-read the notes he copied, for he did not focus during class. By the time Gleb was finished, there was no point in staying at the library to read, because there would not be enough time.

His day is indeed ruined. Gleb hopes the rest of the week will not be as bad.

Just as Gleb is about to open the door and enter his room, he hears his roommates talking inside.

“Did you see Gleb´s uniform today?” Timofei asks. “Another one of his buttons fell.”

Gleb immediately feels distressed. They are talking about him. Timofei is not even in his same class, and yet notices every single one of his imperfections.

Have they talked about him before? Gleb deduces they have. Why wouldn´t they? He is barely ever in the room.

Gleb knows it is going to hurt, but he wants to listen. He needs to know what they really think about him so he can understand better how to behave around them without being judged.

He places his ear close to the door.

“It doesn´t surprise me”, Valentin replies. “His black pants and coat are full of holes as well”.

Gleb´s uniform is old. He knows it was a gift to his mother from that of another boy who attended the same school before, but Elena is good at patching things up.

There are no “holes” in his uniform, Gleb thinks.

“Yea, and they are patched up with different colors, it looks ridiculous, all of his clothes are so old”, Timofei says, and then he and Valentin laugh.

“That kitchen wench can´t even afford a new uniform, she clearly shouldn´t be sending her crazy son to this school”, Valentin comments.

Gleb´s eyes immediately fill with tears. He knew they would mock him. He has been called poor by Maksim and his friends before.

Gleb already knew rich people thought these types of things, but he had never heard anyone talk like that about his mother. 

Gleb slowly falls on the floor with his head towards the door.

“What were you telling me about before?” Timofei asks once he is done laughing.

“Oh, yes”, Valentin says, struggling not to continue laughing. “He cried today in class when the teacher scolded him.”

“Really?”

“Yes! But not like, only crying. He was sobbing, covering his ears and throwing a tantrum as if he were a little boy. I have never seen anything like that. The teacher wasn´t even hitting him or anything, just asking him to prove he was paying attention.”

Gleb regrets not entering the room when he had the chance.

He remembers the way Maksim pushed little Leonid down and stole his toy. There clearly must be something about living a life of comfort that robs people of their compassion.

Oo

Wednesday is Gleb´s second favorite day of the week. He has piano lessons and chemistry lessons right on the same day.

Friday, on the other hand, is Gleb´s favorite day. He gets to go home, he gets to see his mother again. For that, he always prepares everything in the morning. He is ready to go as soon as the last class ends.

Once he has his cap and backpack, Gleb is ready to walk home.

He doesn´t live near, and could definitely go back in a trolley car or a carriage, but walking saves the Vaganovs some money, and Gleb loves watching people pass by. Common working-class people. The street vendors, ironworkers, servants, street sweepers and the nuns. He loves imagining that someday, everything will be better for all.

“Hey, Gleb!”

The boy looks behind and is surprised to see Peter running towards him, along with his little brother.

Despite living pretty much at opposite sides of the city, Peter offers to accompany Gleb home and pay for his ride.

Gleb is ecstatic. He usually hates changes to his routine, but he thought Peter would never want to talk to him again, and yet, here he is.

“I am sorry I haven´t talked to you this week”, Peter says. “Your joke was a bit weird, but it wasn’t that bad.”

They are travelling in a carriage, and Gleb is in the middle, between Peter and Leonid.

Not very practical, Gleb thinks, considering he is getting off first.

“His friends also think you are weird”, Leonid adds. “Peter doesn´t want them to know he hangs out with you”.

Gleb looks down when Leonid says that.

“It is not that…” Peter begins to lie. Yes, lie. Gleb interrupts him:

“I know it is!” He exclaims. “I sleep with two kids that talk about me behind my back all the time, and I am tired of people doing that.”

“I am sorry Gleb”, Peter laments.

“Don´t be sorry, you seem nice. I am just tired of being told I am weird. I don´t want to be told that unless I can understand why, so I can correct it.”

“Are you serious? I don´t want to hurt your feelings.”

Gleb doesn´t know whether he really meant what he said or is just angry, but suddenly, he is overcome with the desire of doing so. Correcting himself, so that his important message can be taken seriously, so that he can get some friends as well.

Gleb now knows for certain there is something different about him. He can´t even talk to his neighbors, especially not the ones who are his same age.

Gleb wants to correct himself. He really does, so he nods.

“Well, first of all, you blink too much”, Peter starts.

“What?” Gleb asks, startled. Ironically enough, he blinks five times.

“You blink too much”, Peter repeats, “and you often scratch your head frantically, or move back and forward for no reason”.

“Wait! Let me get my notebook”.

Gleb writes every detail down, but every time Peter mentions another one of his strange repetitive actions or unique mannerisms, Gleb becomes horrified at the prospect of “correcting” them. He didn´t notice until now, but biting his hands, fidgeting with them, or even scratching his head helps Gleb deal with stress. But still, he has to correct himself, he has to.

At the very least, Gleb is pleasantly surprised to hear not everything Peter has to say about him is negative:

“You are very eloquent Gleb. You make many of the teachers look like fools in comparison, especially Ivanov. Even when you talk about boring stuff, you manage to keep everyone´s attention somehow, maybe it is your tone of voice”.

“Well, that is really nice, thank you”, Gleb says, flattered.

“And none of the kids think you are stupid, even if you _are_ kind of crazy”.

“That is…comforting to know, I guess”.

“Many want to hear you speak again, but Maksim and his other friends have spread the rumor that you bring bad luck, and that if anyone gets too close to you, they will become weird and poor as well.”

“They should go back to elementary school!” Leonid jokes, and the three boys laugh.

Oo

Stephen wasn´t home when Gleb arrived, he was working, but Elena had arrived home from the restaurant where she works. She received her son as usual.

“My boy!” She exclaims every Friday as she hugs and showers Gleb with kisses.

His mother is definitely the reason Friday is Gleb´s favorite day.

Whenever Gleb is upset, Elena puts her hands on top of her son´s head and caresses it. It always works. For Gleb, it feels like magic. Sometimes, Gleb wishes he were homeschooled, so he could stay with his mother all day long.

Elena is a thin, short woman with light brown hair and green eyes. Pretty by most standards.

Stephen is tall and muscular. His eyes are a light shade of gray, and his hair is completely black. Gleb used to be intimidated by his father´s eyes. He still is at times, but it has nothing to do with Gleb´s natural aversion for eye contact.

Stephen´s eyes can appear cold to anyone. Despite being friendly to everyone, he is a strict person once an individual gets to know him. Personality can, at times, manifest in one´s eyes.

Gleb inherited his father´s eyes. The boy thinks that maybe, one day, he will find a good use for those intimidating eyes.

Gleb´s hair is also black like his father´s, and he will grow to have his father´s body build as well. Despite all of this, he resembles his mother the most.

Elena loved to take Gleb to her workplace when he was little, because the other women would fuss over her child´s beauty. Elena knows her son got most of his pleasant features from her.

The Vaganovs live in a small, simple flat, with only the most basic furniture.

The living room consists on a sofa and a small wooden table. Two photo frames rest on top of that table. One of them holds a black and white picture of Stephen, Elena, and Gleb, back when the latter was just a baby.

A humble life, but Gleb knows they lack nothing. He has never been hungry, well, not _truly_ hungry, and that is more than can be said for millions of poor people in Russia.

They don´t live alone in the flat. Another family with two small children, a boy and a girl, live with them. Mr. and Mrs. Bobkov know about the Vaganovs´ illegal activities. Their picture occupies the other frame, and they usually have lunch and dinner together in the small dining room with the Vaganovs. It is Elena who cooks.

“You won´t believe what happened this week mama”, Gleb says. 

Mr. and Mrs. Bobkov are seated at the table with Gleb and Elena. Their toddlers are usually fed before, and are now playing on the ground with Gleb´s toys. The ones he has left: A train, a telephone, and gun.

Gleb gave away the other few toys he had before, to younger children in the neighborhood. Poorer children. This is fine for Gleb, he has no time for playing anymore, and he really enjoyed giving the toys away. The children had smiled and squealed with joy, which had made Gleb very happy.

“Oh dear! I have never seen you come home so happy”, Elena beams. “Tell us about it”.

Gleb tells his mother about his new friends, about the list of things he should correct and how some kids are interested in what he has to say.

“Just be careful about what you tell them honey, remember what papa and I do is very dangerous”, Elena tells her son as soon as he is done with the story. “Explain our beliefs to them, plant the seeds, but don´t be too specific, I don´t want you to get expelled.”

“Don´t worry mommy, I am never too specific”, Gleb assures her.

“And you shouldn´t have to change anything for people to like you”, Elena continues as she ruffles her son´s hair. “You are perfectly adorable the way you are, but you have no idea of how pleased I am that you managed to find some friends.”

Gleb doesn´t say anything, but he knows his mother is wrong. She only says he is perfect because she loves him. Otherwise, why is she the only one that thinks so? If Gleb explained to her the things he has noticed about himself, his mother would just dismiss them.

“Why didn´t you invite your friends to come over?” Elena asks.

“I did invite them over, but they said their parents wouldn´t allow that. I got down from the carriage before we got all the way here anyways.”

“Hmm”.

Elena knows why, and knows Gleb is not that naïve. But her son is so excited about his new friends that she doesn´t want to mention it. She had to remind herself not to cry or completely fall apart out of joy when Gleb mentioned his friends.

“Those rich kids are probably just afraid of our stench!” Mrs. Bobkov suddenly exclaims.

“What did you read this week?” Elena asks her son without even acknowledging Mrs. Bobkov.

“More about peasant traditions in different parts of the country, I love that, I wish I could live in the countryside someday”, Gleb tells his mother. “I also read some of Chekhov´s stories”.

Gleb talks to his mother and the Bobkovs about Chekhov as they eat. Extensively. He talks about Tolstoy as well. He talks about other authors.

The Bobkovs are soon bored, but Elena doesn´t miss a word. She is proud of her boy.

Just as Gleb is finishing reciting a poem he copied in his notebook, Stephen announces his arrival:

“Nice, Gleb”, he says. “After I have eaten I want us to review that pamphlet again.”

After that, Stephen blinks at Gleb, who is already running to greet his father.

Gleb is infinitely happy his father is home. Elena just hopes her husband didn´t notice her sigh.

Elena loves Stephen, she really does. She loves his passion. Most men let hardships destroy their souls, Stephen didn´t. Most men sleepwalk without a purpose, Stephen has one. He found one when he was really young, through people similar to what both of them are now. That is why she fell in love with him, he doesn´t just live for himself and his loved ones. He lives for Russia and its future. He lives for the people.

But she hates the way Stephen neglects their son.

 _Nice, Gleb_. Is that all Stephen has to say? Her son recited that poem beautifully.

Stephen doesn’t encourage any of his son´s interests, well, none of his _other_ interests. Elena´s husband doesn´t praise Gleb whenever he gets perfect marks, he only fumes at him when they are lower than usual.

Stephen never hugs or kisses his son. Did he at least do it when Gleb was a baby? Elena doesn´t remember. He might have, but it is entirely possible he never did. It definitely wasn´t a common occurrence.

Of course Gleb loves to talk to his father about Lenin´s pamphlet, Elena thinks with concern, it is the only god-damn way Gleb can get any attention from his father to begin with.

Elena doesn´t remember the last time she heard her husband talk to Gleb about anything that wasn´t in some way related to the cause. She has been worried about this for months.

At first, Elena thought her feelings were irrational. Stephen has too much work after all. His main work and all of the illegal stuff he does on the side leave little room for anything else on his mind.

But maybe her husband and her son talk about other things while they are working together, or maybe her husband doesn´t have time to talk to their son about anything else, as simple as that. Elena knows there is nothing more important than the revolution.

Then, something made her wake up to the sad reality.

Two weeks ago, Gleb came home excited about something else. He had finally managed to play, without error, an incredibly complicated piano piece, something he had been trying to do for weeks with no success. The music teacher had congratulated her son, saying he had never witnessed a student go from beginner to advanced as fast.

Gleb was so happy about his achievement that he continued raving about it when his father arrived, but Stephen had, quite literally, told Gleb to shut up.

“You have been talking about it nonstop and I am tired, I come home tired”, her husband had said.

Elena´s feelings are not irrational. She and her husband need to have a talk.

Oo

Stephen loves Elena, he really does, but he will never allow her to nag him about how to raise his son. _His_ son. She has no idea, she doesn´t value this as much as he does. He thought she did, but he should have known.

Elena never suffered as much as he did. She was also poor, that is for sure, but her parents loved her and gave her and her siblings a happy childhood.

Stephen´s father was a drunk, who left him and his mother when Stephen was only 8. It was overall good that he left them. Stephen never missed him, or his beatings.

He was a child and he was a parent, to his very ill mother and younger siblings, none of whom lived longer than twenty despite Stephen´s sacrifice and devotion to them. He would trade his life in a heartbeat for that of any of his three younger sisters. He would trade his son´s life as well, he knows, and it fills him with self-loathing.

Elena worked like a beast since she was a child, just like him, but she never had to defend her mother from some of her most violent clients.

Stephen never liked children, not really. Raising them was forced upon him from a very young age, and he wasn´t exactly thrilled to learn Elena was pregnant, even though it was to be expected.

He is not proud of it either, but Stephen is glad he and Elena never managed to conceive another child after the one they lost. He is barely capable of bonding with the one he already has. Neither one of Stephen´s parents ever fussed over him to begin with, so Elena´s suggestion about trying to hug his son more often is ridiculous. Gleb has never complained about any lack of affection whatsoever. He has his mother for that.

Gleb is also a strange kid, Stephen thinks. It is the elephant in the room, something Elena doesn´t allow to be mentioned in their home, but he is. He was a difficult and dramatic child growing up, throwing tantrums over anything. From itchy clothing to snoring neighbors, with a bit of picky eating as the cherry on top.

Gleb was unpredictable, and, unlike Elena, Stephen was never tolerant of that. He knew how to deal with him, as much as his wife shamelessly attributed Gleb´s improving behavior to herself and her endless petting.

Thanks to a simple smack in the mouth or two, Gleb became tolerable enough. He doesn´t have huge tantrums anymore. Stephen is still disappointed by his son´s lack of social charm, but that will probably improve with age. He already made those two friends, or so it seems.

The truth is, there is nothing Stephen particularly loves about his son, except for the fact he sees himself in him. Elena is a fool for not knowing, Stephen thinks with great pride, but there is nothing that brings Gleb more joy than reading and talking with him about the future of their beautiful country once the revolution succeeds. There is nothing Gleb is more interested about than how to best help the cause. There is nothing he has more knowledge about, or thinks more about.

Stephen didn’t force his son to be this way. As a child, Gleb would lean in to see what Stephen was reading. Stephen would sit him on his knee and explain.

While some of Stephen´s friends struggle to get their adult children involved in revolutionary activities, Gleb has helped him with some of his most successful writings.

Stephen knows he won´t live forever, but Gleb is still young, he might actually witness the thing Stephen hopes for the most. His reason for living. Raising Gleb is like planting seeds.

Stephen doesn´t mind Gleb having other pastimes. As any father worth a damn would, he also cares about his education. He wants his son to make a decent living when the time comes. He doesn´t want him to suffer as he has, but he never, ever, wants Gleb to lose sight of what truly is important.

Placing their own happiness on a pedestal is what people who don´t care enough do. Stephen wants to raise a revolutionary, not something else.

Elena´s conversation with her husband had the opposite effect of what she intended.

Stephen spent the weekend as usual, bringing Gleb to work with him.

Working together is Stephen´s way of bonding with his son.

Bringing him to meetings with likeminded people in order to talk about politics and philosophy is his way of bonding with his son.

Stephen might not be good at paternal love, but when he is talking to Gleb in excruciating detail about his almost torturous past and the importance of actively working against the system that made it so, he might feel something similar to love. Maybe the exact same thing.

Changing his ways would be depriving his son of love, which is not what revolution is for, but if he is somehow able to provide some resemblance of love to his son, he will do so the only way he can.

Oo

The pamphlet in question is called: “What is to be done?”

It was written by none other than Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known by his alias, the name he used in illegal publications, Lenin.

Lenin's father, Ilya Nikolayevich Ulyanov, was from a family of serfs, but had risen to middle-class status. After he marrying, Ilya would raise to become Director of Public Schools for the province of Simbirsk, overseeing the foundation of over 450 schools as a part of the government's plans for modernization. His dedication to education earned him the Order of St. Vladimir, which bestowed on him the status of a hereditary nobleman.

So, Lenin was no commoner. He was born in Simbirsk on 1870, the third of eight children, two of which died in infancy. Ilya was a devout member of the Russian Orthodox Church and baptized his children into it, although his wife Maria was largely indifferent, a view that influenced her children, largely Lenin, or so can be said.

Among his siblings, Lenin was closest to his sister Olga, whom he loved bossing around. He would never stop doing so.

Lenin was a nice child, but maybe too lively. He liked to break his toys instead of playing with them.

Due to an extremely competitive nature that could at times be destructive, Lenin excelled at his disciplinarian and conservative school. He could be called a genius.

When Lenin was 15, his father died of a brain hemorrhage. Subsequently, his behavior became erratic, rude, and confrontational. He renounced his belief in God.

Just a year later, Lenin's elder brother Alexander, a student at Saint Petersburg University, was involved in political agitation against Tsar Alexander III. He joined a revolutionary cell bent on assassinating the Tsar and was selected to construct a bomb. Alexander was executed by hanging, which certainly had an effect on Lenin as well.

Lenin entered Kazan University, where he would both excel and become radicalized. In 1893, he moved to Saint Petersburg and joined a Marxist cell. He spent some time in a Siberian prison, but was never considered a huge threat to the government.

Lenin later moved abroad with his wife. He would continue meeting with other Russian Marxists and writing.

“What is to be done?” Argues that the working class will not become political by fighting with employers over wages or working hours. To make the working class Marxist, a political party should be formed, a vanguard made up of the most class-conscious and politically advanced sections of the proletariat. That party, in turn, should attract larger sections of the working class towards revolutionary politics.

Not everyone around Lenin´s circle is on board with his ideas. His party is on the verge of a fraction.

Oo

On Sunday mornings, Elena goes to church. Gleb goes as well. He is by his mother´s side now, listening to the priest talk. Elena is praying for her husband, for his soul.

Stephen is not with them.

Gleb knows his father does not believe in God, that there is little place in the future for the church, which will lose all of its power. Gleb doesn´t care about that, because his mother is by no means a normal Christian.

Elena once told her son that Jesus was probably a socialist himself. He did say it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God, which is Gleb´s favorite part of the bible.

The early Christians would also live communally. His mother has written articles and talked to Gleb a lot about them, and they honestly sound nicer to him than the ones that live today. So many so called Christians are blind followers of the Tsar, because according to them, he was anointed by God. According to whom? The Tsar himself? The church hierarchy? The oppressive establishment?

There is nothing about Jesus that Gleb dislikes. Jesus is like a fantasy. He talked about love, and healed the sick like Gleb wishes he could. He wouldn´t reveal this to anyone except for his mother, but Jesus sounds like someone who would hug everyone and anyone.

Gleb wishes he could meet Jesus.

Gleb doesn´t know how to feel about God as a concept though. He sounds like a typical fat capitalist oppressor. All powerful, unlimited resources and yet doesn´t lift a finger to help the poor, or other people, or… his son, for that matter. The concept of hell is also cruel. Now Gleb knows some people need to die, but torture seems a bit too much, especially if it lasts forever. Who does it help? What purpose does it have?

Gleb can´t actually pray, not when he has grown to feel so conflicted about God. The last time he did he was little, and his mother was about to die.

But still, Gleb can´t help but like church. He likes the repetition. He strangely enjoys the rules, such as fasting when he is told to. He likes how almost every church service is the same, except for feast or special services. Gleb loves the overall silence and peacefulness of the church.

There are lots of things to experience, like the incense, or the beautiful icons, the chants. Gleb likes the way he can predict everything he will see, hear, touch, and smell. Nothing becomes too overwhelming that way. The way the priest prays for the Imperial family, as if they even _needed_ to be prayed for, annoys him a bit, but he can also predict that.

Gleb knows little about the Imperial family. His father says it is not good to look at them in the newspapers, postcards, or other pictures. He says they are made for propaganda purposes, to make themselves present so that the people love them. Gleb agrees and never looks.

The only thing Gleb knows about the Tsar´s family is that he has four little daughters, the oldest of which is five years younger than Gleb. He does know that they have everything they could ever need, and give back nothing. They need no praying for.

Gleb would like God if the concept of Him being the same as love were true. He would at least have Him, but Gleb doesn´t know if he even believes or just loves the idea of some great supernatural father loving him. Gleb has never felt lonelier.

On Friday, Gleb told his father about his new friends. Stephen´s reaction was not what the boy expected:

“As much as I am glad about it, I don´t want you to cling too hard to those two bourgeois classmates of yours just because they are safe as a start, boy. We need to have a talk, later, maybe tomorrow”.

On Saturday, Stephan explained Gleb that he was already old enough to learn that “revolution” is not just about the problems of the present. It is not just about the utopian future that may await them once its solutions are implemented.

“There is a bloody mess in between”, Stephen told his son as they were walking back home from work. “People you know may get caught up in that mess if they actively fight against our objectives. You know about class warfare, don´t you?”

Stephen made sure Gleb nodded before he continued speaking:

“You know of strikes caused by clashes of interests between the workers and their employers over wages and work hours, well…”

“They lead nowhere in the long run with the present system, because those interests are by nature, opposites” Gleb couldn´t help but interrupt with excitement. “The more we work for less, the more they profit.”

“Well”, Stephen repeated, slightly annoyed by the interruption. “I am talking about revolutionary warfare plain and simple, literal warfare Gleb, because it _is_ a possibility. You must be ready, and most importantly, willing, to see that war as necessary, and not all wars are fought in the battlefield.”

Gleb tried to look at his father´s eyes the entire time. He knows his father also likes him to look at him as he speaks, just like everyone else, but at least he trusts his father.

At first he became confused about the phrase ´not all wars are fought in the battlefield´. It made no sense to Gleb. If a war is being fought on a street or a market, then it has already become a battlefield, hasn´t it?

What did his father mean? Gleb was too afraid of asking and being called stupid. He knew that it could refer to something else, be a metaphor of some sort…

Unless it meant fighting against people with no weapons, or more precisely, killing people with no weapons. Gleb had already heard of it before from his father´s friends. Some people need to die, he already knew of the concept.

But still… never before from his father. Never before as a warning. As something that had anything to do with him.

Gleb´s emotions were becoming increasingly conflicted, it was one of those moments where he didn´t know what to feel. What did he feel indeed? Frightened? Excited? Motivated?

Despite his confusion, Gleb nodded. Did he feel scared of his father?

Stephen continued:

“For you to be ready, it is necessary that you stop acting like a child and start toughening up. You need to lose this fear of yours of talking to people, and I don´t mean the speeches you are able to give when it is just me and other friends from work, I mean regular day to day interaction and …”

Gleb opened his mouth to ask how, but Stephen knew what his son was about to say, and answered his question before Gleb could even utter a word:

“I have no idea how, that is your problem, but you can´t put any individual you meet on a pedestal. Those two children might remain your friends, or they might become your enemies, and if they do, I don´t want you crying in a corner. I want you thinking about the good of the many, the interests of the many. I want you walking up to the next group of people that might serve our party”.

Their party in question is the Russian Social Democratic Labor Party, Lenin´s increasingly divided party. It was founded in Minsk, but mostly operates outside of Russia. Stephen is a member of a cell in Ekaterinburg.

“But papa, I am different…” Gleb lamented, and his eyes started filling with tears. “The kids at school don´t like me”.

“I have already explained to you why. Most of them think of you as their inferior, you just have to keep looking. You may be surprised to find one or two more that aren´t as bad, now… don´t tell me you are crying!”

Stephen gently wiped away some of his son´s tears.

“Stop that boy, you are almost a man!” He said, sounding a bit harsher than he intended. Stephen had no idea of how to deal with this.

Gleb continued crying, and started trying to wipe his own tears uselessly. He was scared of what his father would think about him.

After taking a few deep breaths, Gleb finally decided to confess something that had troubled him for a while now:

“But there is another boy like me, one of Maksim´s friends is from a poor neighborhood as well, I am just different from everyone”.

A sob escaped Gleb´s throat, and he kept weeping bitterly.

Stephen sighed, and said:

“That doesn´t mean that little brat you have talked to us about doesn´t think little of his poor friend as well. That other boy is simply not as class conscious as you are, Gleb. That is all it is, and that is all it ever was, that and simple shyness, something you have to get over.”

Stephen smiled reassuringly.

“No…” Gleb protested as he kept wiping his tears. No one understands. That wasn´t the reason he was different, he knew, but he didn´t want to argue anymore. He doesn´t even know how to explain he is different.

Listening to his father´s attempt at comforting him did make Gleb feel a bit better, but for another reason. Gleb didn´t even realize his father was actually listening when he talked to his mother about his bullies.

On Sunday morning, the church service ends. Gleb is ready to go back home with his mother, but feels empty.

Both God and Stephen are distant. Gleb feels loved around his dear mother, but stupid school and stupid capitalist exploitation keep them torturously separated for most of the week.

But still, Gleb guesses his father is right. He has to get over these feelings somehow. He already has the notes on things to correct, and Peter and Leonid are a good start.

Next week, Stephen plans to take Gleb with him to a real meeting with the party, where the young boy will, for the very first time, meet people who are not just talk, but action.

Gleb is excited about this. His young mind often fantasizes about becoming a real soldier for the revolution, of waving a red flag and opening up prisons.

If the revolution starts soon, it might even interrupt his classes, Gleb thinks with delight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • Right now Gleb is 12, but when I write him as a man around 1918, I will probably describe him as looking a bit similar to Ramin Karimloo, but younger (By 1918 he will only be 28), with Jason Michael Evans sprinkled on top, and gray eyes. 
> 
> “Why the gray eyes?” Good question. I started working on both this fic and Light at the end of the Tunnel way before I even watched the entire musical. I only had watched a few scenes, had read the summary and knew what parts I wanted to include. I also knew a certain “Gleb” would appear, and that he would try to kill Anastasia, but the only mental image I had of him was a picture of the very handsome Ramin Karimloo singing.  
> The picture was taken at a weird angle in which I could picture, more less, what Ramin looked like, but I couldn´t figure out what his eye color was, or even most of his facial features.
> 
> Keep in mind I have just started to become interested in musical theater. I became obsessed with the musical “Anastasia”, and also with the animated fox movie, precisely because of the real Anastasia Nikolaevna I learned about in high school during history class, not the other way around. Uncommon, I know.
> 
> This explains why I didn´t even know what Ramin´s real eye color was even though he is quite famous in the musical world. Now I have seen his eyes, I have seen him perform, and not just in “Anastasia”. Man, he really is talented. He can literally run while keeping the same note.
> 
> But back then, because I decided to watch the musical some other time, my silly brain filled in the blanks of what Gleb would look like by combining Ramin´s face with that of other actors that look similar to him, and for some reason I came to this conclusion: “He has the most beautiful yet scary-looking light-gray eyes!!! They will match his moral grayness!” 
> 
> Me now: ???!!!
> 
> By the time I actually got to watch the full musical and see more pictures of Ramin, I was too attached to this mental image I had of “my” Gleb. 
> 
> I guess for me it is easier to imagine the characters as looking way different from their actor counterparts in the musical (As incredibly handsome and pretty as they are) because when I imagine the character Anastasia, for example, I will picture what the real Anastasia looked like, not Christy or any of the other actresses that have played her, so things are going to look different anyways, and what is most important for me about the musical is the substance, the characters and their relationships. 
> 
> Either way, that last explanation was pretty pointless, you can actually imagine Gleb any way you want. This entire backstory was just an excuse to rave about Ramin and explain why Gleb´s looks here are described as being so different from those of any of the actors that have played him. 
> 
> • In case any of you suspected that Lily was going to be Gleb´s aunt: You are 100% right. That is exactly what I was going for. Then I realized it was something I didn´t even think through when I wrote the “Lily” chapter. I already edited those parts out.
> 
> I am so, so sorry for this mess, I am literally experimenting and improvising with the fictional characters right now, their personalities, backstories and relations to each other. 
> 
> Lily being Gleb´s aunt kind of ruins what I realized would be best for Gleb´s character, which is coming from an unremarkable background. 
> 
> • Unlike Gleb, Stephen Vaganov was actually a real person who played a part in the murder of the last Imperial family (Maybe the creators of the musical were inspired by him?), but he is not the same as my character because it is hard to come across much information on the real Stephen, as he was not really an important figure, and I preferred to create him from scratch either way to be honest. A lot of artistic liberty was used for this chapter.
> 
> • There might be some unintended historical inaccuracies to be sure, I did my best but this is mostly for fun.
> 
> • Last but not least, it is greatly implied that my version of Gleb is somewhere on the autism spectrum, I just didn´t mention it explicitly because there was no name for autism in the 1900s. I have done some research into it, just like I have done about the time period, but I am not autistic myself (At least I am not diagnosed), so if any of my readers are by chance autistic and find any particular bit of Gleb´s characterization offensive, inaccurate or overly stereotypical, feel free to tell me in the comments! I don´t ask you to do my research for me but writing this chapter did take a lot of time and effort, and so did the research, so it would be nicer to get a specific “what”, “where” and “why” this or that part may or may not be the best representation. If would help me a lot with the editing. Seriously, I edit historical inaccuracies, mistakes and typos all the time, this would be no different.


	12. Lilies of the Valley.

The Alexander Park, Tsarskoe Selo. August, 1903.

The Alexander Palace is an elongated two-story yellow building with double wings on the sides. It has a white ceiling, white decorations around the windows, and white rows of columns at the entrances.

The Alexander Palace is the place Tsar Nicholas and his family call home, and it is surrounded by a huge park, a park that can be viewed from the building´s balcony, a common leisure spot for the Tsar´s family. 

More valuable for Nicholas than power is his family. Few other ruling families have been as perfectly united as his. Even fewer are right now.

The man would have been happier with a simpler job, something that left him even more time to spare for his daughters and wife, especially his fragile wife.

Nicholas, like many Russian aristocrats, loves gifting his mother and wife new and different jeweled Fabergé eggs almost every year, but none of those eggs exemplify his love of family more than _Lilies of the Valley_ , a pink Fabergé egg he gave Alexandra in 1898.

The egg is supported on four gold cabriolet legs from which green leaves veined in rose-cut diamonds spring out. It is surmounted by a rose-cut diamond and cabochon ruby Imperial Crown set with two bows. Quartered by four lines of rose-cut diamonds, the jeweled piece is also decorated with pearls and rose-cut diamonds that are meant to represent the lilies of the valley.

Alexandra Fedorovna loves flowers, so she regularly has them brought to St. Petersburg from the Crimea. The lilies of the valley are some of her favorite flowers, as are pearls her favorite jewels.

Fabergé eggs usually have a surprise inside, in _Lilies of the Valley,_ the surprise consists of three oval miniatures, one of Nicholas II in military uniform, and two more of the oldest Grand Duchesses, Olga and Tatiana. They rise from the top of the egg when a pearl button at the side is turned. A turn in the opposite direction automatically folds and returns the miniatures back to the interior of the egg.

Nicholas knew his wife would love the egg when he had it commissioned, and he knew exactly what she would love about it. A true representation of their family, and of Nicholas´s love for Alexandra.

Maria was born a year later, and Anastasia, two years after that.

Still now, almost every day, Nicholas and Alexandra will sit, have tea, and play with their four daughters on the balcony. The couple´s time with their daughters often includes acting in ridiculous ways to amuse them, holding the dolls, and going along with their childish games. They are proud, caring, and indulging parents. If any of them is a disciplinarian, it would be Alexandra. She does attempt to be persuasive more than strict though.

The Alexander Park is a green landscape during springs and summers. The roads, which are surrounded by trees, and the water flowing through the canals, are both exceptions to the rule.

Six-year-old Grand Duchess Tatiana says the park looks like a forest. She and her older sister Olga like to imagine it as such sometimes, whenever they pretend to be fairies or other characters like those of many of the folk tales their parents and nannies tell them about.

Most canals can be crossed over through bridges, something the Romanov sisters are doing right now. Today, the four little Grand Duchesses are going on a walk through their forest with their governess Margaretta Eagar, Sonia Orbeliani, and Catherine Schneider.

Sonia Orbeliani is the Empress´s 28-year-old lady in waiting, and Catherine, a Baltic German, is the same woman who taught Alexandra Russian many years ago. In the family, she goes by the name Trina.

"I spy, with my little eye…something blue!" Tatiana exclaims as she walks along with Olga.

Olga and Tatiana are, as usual, holding hands, trying to swing their arms together as high as they can, back and forward. Tatiana thinks it is fun.

"The sky!" Olga immediately suggests, looking up and pointing at it.

"Nope", Tatiana answers as she shakes her head. There is a cheeky grin on her face. She is happy about not making this one as easy as the ones before.

Olga notices and ruins her sister´s perfectly done half-up hair with her hands in response.

"Olenka!" Tatiana protests while pulling away from Olga, but her smile does not disappear from her face.

Tatiana uses her fingers in an attempt to brush her hair back to normal, and then, she goes for Olga´s hair.

Being incredibly close, the four little girls are extremely affectionate with each other. Their closeness may involve the usual hugging and head patting, but it also includes pushing, kicking, and making use of any methods at hand to irritate each other.

Margaretta, Sonia, and Catherine are walking slower behind the four children. None of them have scolded the two oldest girls. It is a casual day after all, and Olga and Tatiana are laughing and screaming. They are having fun.

The three women dress similarly, but their long skirts are different colors. Catherine and Margaretta Eagar are also wearing sweaters.

The four sisters, on the other hand, are dressed the same. Black shoes, white stockings, and long-sleeved dresses. Olga has a headband as well. Even two-year-old Anastasia has been dressed the same way as her sisters. She recently has.

Anastasia walks perfectly well already, even faster than her sisters if she wills it so, and her strawberry blonde hair is growing.

Little Nastasia is slowly becoming a big girl, Olga thinks with delight, and soon they will all be able to play even more games together. The more friends the better.

Those are the thoughts crossing the little empress´s mind, as her father the Emperor calls her at times. Thoughts of her youngest sister, as well as questions. Her head is always filled with questions. Right now, she has two. Where does the water go after it has rained? Why doesn´t the earth become a huge ocean when it rains a lot? She asks both of these things to Miss Eagar.

Olga thinks of the beaches of Crimea after Miss Eagar answers that water usually evaporates back into the air. Then, Olga thinks about a recent music lesson, one she did exceptionally well at. She is looking forward to the next one. 

The first time Nicholas called his oldest daughter "little empress", he had been discussing the most recent affairs of state with her in a fairly simple language, one a child her age could understand. He was surprised to find his Olga had remembered a previous conversation that took place during winter, about the troubles in the Far East.

Little empress. Olga was delighted to hear her father refer to her in such a way, a way that implies she is similar to him.

Olga had then told anyone who would listen about it. The name has somewhat stuck, but it is not the most common way people refer to Olga as.

Unlike many children with no such fortune, Olga is part of the lucky ones that don´t have exceedingly worrisome thoughts or problems beyond their years. The future of the entire nation may depend on her father, but its troubles are distant. They are fun, like a children´s game. Her father is her hero and is super smart, for whenever he is not with them, Olga knows he is reading and writing reports and orders. One has to be smart for that.

Her father knows what to do, can do no wrong. Russia, its people, they are safe in his hands, and so is she.

Olga´s thoughts as she walks through the park are simple and happy. She taps Tatiana´s shoulder.

"Look at them", she gushes at her younger sister´s ear with a giggle.

Tatiana looks to her left, where Maria and Anastasia can be seen walking side by side with huge tumbling steps. They are also holding each other´s hands. Tatiana smiles down at them for a second.

Ever since Anastasia was born, Maria hasn´t felt lonely a day in her life, not even during the days when her parents aren´t home. Her older sisters might be best friends with each other, but Maria doesn´t mind, because Anastasia is mostly hers, her baby sister, who is always ready and willing to play with her, who is on her side whenever the childish squabbles begin, babbling in her defense. The two youngest girls are as inseparable as the oldest two are. Olga and Tatiana love Maria as well, and the four-year-old can tell. Her older sisters always accept her hugs happily, smile all the time, and do play with her now. Maria doesn´t take that for granted.

To love and be loved, as far as Maria understands, means enjoying her parents' and sisters´ company. It means being cuddled. Of her sisters, the third girl is the most tender and devoted. 

Suddenly, Maria´s big eyes become even bigger, she slows down her walk and startles the older girls by jumping, unclasping herself from Anastasia in the process. The little girl is incredibly excited and doesn´t stop jumping once she starts clapping. 

"I know what you saw, Tatya!" Maria points her finger at the canal they are approaching. "The water!"

Influenced by her sister´s enthusiasm, Anastasia starts jumping as well, yelling over and over again the exact same phrase with excitement: "The water! The water!"

It makes Olga laugh.

"No", Tatiana proudly declares with a grin as she crosses her arms. "It is not that."

Maria stands still and pouts, then she keeps walking, but not without bellowing about how much she hates the game. Maria will get over it in seconds. Her anger usually goes as fast as it arrives. The four-year-old has never experienced a grudge.

Anastasia doesn´t understand the game very much yet, at least not completely. She continues jumping.

"It is, the water!" The youngest Romanov daughter keeps yelling. "The water!"

Anastasia grabs the back of Tatiana´s dress. The two-year-old wouldn´t have stopped screaming, even if she understood perfectly well what the game was about.

"It is the water!"

Tatiana protests as she tries to get Anastasia´s hands away from her dress. Even Olga becomes startled. She separates herself from Tatiana. Miss Eagar intervenes and picks Anastasia up.

"You are being a little monkey, aren´t you?" The nanny says. Catherine and Sonia laugh as Anastasia struggles against Miss Eagar. Once the fright has passed, Olga and Tatiana laugh as well.

Tatiana turns around to face Miss Eagar, who is carrying Anastasia, but continues walking backwards.

"That was very naughty Nastya", Tatiana scolds the toddler as she points a finger at her.

The smiling Olga takes Tatiana´s hand again. She loves doing that. Olga does wonder though, why, unlike the older women, she is always dressed the same as her sisters.

"Trina, why can´t Tatiana and I wear long skirts and dresses already?" Olga asks Catherine.

"What is the hurry dear?" She answers. "You are still a child."

"They look prettier longer", Maria says as she gets closer to Olga. Miss Eagar smiles down at her.

"I would also like a long skirt", Tatiana tells Trina, "like all of you, and mama".

The women and the girls have all slowed down, and the little Grand Duchesses have turned halfway around to talk to their elders.

"Believe me girls", Sonia says, "when you are older, you are going to miss your short, little girl skirts. They are more comfortable, easier to run, jump and play with, and better for riding".

"I also like riding! We should go riding tomorrow!" Tatiana exclaims. "It is so fun, right Olga?"

Olga nods at her sister. Sonia Orbeliani is a fearless and independent woman, a talented equestrian, and has talked to the girls a lot about her days as the faster rider in the Caucasus.

"I want to be as good as you Sonia", Tatiana continues, "but I didn´t know short skirts were better for riding."

"They might be better for ridding", Trina intervenes, giving Sonia a slightly stern look, "but once young girls reach a certain age, they are no longer appropriate."

Catherine, on the other hand, is a shy older woman who keeps mostly to herself. Quite conservative, also warm and devoted to the family.

"Well, one gets used to long skirts anyway", Sonia changes the subject, clearly getting the older woman´s message. "Would you let me join your spy game, girls?"

The three oldest girls become excited at the prospect. Maria jumps and claps once again. Olga and Tatiana simply nod at the same time, as if they were coordinated to do so.

"Well, is it a little bird?" Sonia asks. "I saw a blue little bird right up that tree".

Everyone in the group stops walking to look up at the three, trying to spot the bluebird Sonia claims to be pointing at. Even Anastasia becomes calm. The little girl does understand she may be about to see something very interesting.

"I really want to see the pretty little birdie!" Mashka exclaims. And her huge blue eyes become even bigger once again in an attempt to avoid missing anything.

Sonia keeps telling them to look at a certain branch, and the girls do. Margaretta and Catherine continue trying as well. They listen to Sonia´s directions on where to look.

Time goes by, but eventually, Sonia admits after accidentally letting out a chuckle that she saw no bluebirds. It was a simple yet effective prank.

Everyone laughs, except for disillusioned, four-year-old Maria, who pouts. Her blue eyes slowly fill with tears. Olga gives her a hug when she notices, Tatiana pats her head as she repeats over and over again that everything is fine.

Sonia can´t believe she did that and feels guilty for a second. She bends down to pinch Maria´s cheek, apologizes, and tells her not to worry.

"There are lots of birds around here", she tells the little girl. "Some other time, maybe even today, you might get luckier."

Maria rubs her wet eyes and smiles. Her forgiveness is quite easy to obtain.

That is when Olga notices it. She was so silly not to do so before.

"Tatya, is it the ribbon around Sonia´s hat?" Olga asks Tatiana.

"Yes!" Tatiana admits with excitement. The two older sisters hug and squeal in celebration.

Nicholas and Alexandra couldn´t be with their children today. They are on a trip.

Oo

The canonization of Saint Seraphim of Sarov took place a few days ago, and the sovereigns were there to witness it.

They may have two more lilies of the valley, two more angels or little cherubs, as Nicholas calls his daughters, but the Imperial couple has yet to beget a son, and in a continuous search for a miracle, the ridiculed Frenchman Philippe was first replaced by the “holy fool” Dimitri, one of those people who give up their worldly possessions upon joining monastic orders, or deliberately flout society's conventions to serve a religious purpose. Their immense devotion to Christ and perceived feeblemindedness or innocence is most favored by God and is thus said to provide them with special insight.

Later, proclaimed prophet Daria Osipova, who suffered from epilepsy, was summoned to talk to the couple about their future son.

Despite wholeheartedly believing in these various pious people, Nicholas and Alexandra never stopped placing their utmost faith in the starets Seraphim of Sarov, working to make sure he was canonized.

When the royal entourage arrived at Arzamas, the town where the celebrations took place and Saint Seraphim once lived, nearly half a million pilgrims had reached the Sarov Monastery, both peasants and well-to-do believers. From every corner of the empire people came, dressed in bright regional costumes, in rags, in fine clothes, but all with one purpose: to venerate Seraphim. Some people came walking, as the physical rigor it requires is itself considered an act of veneration.

Emperor Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra walked the last stretch of road with the pilgrims, although not without security nearby, and on the day of the canonization received Holy Communion amid their subjects.

One hundred thousand pilgrims filled the monastery, churches, and squares. Thousands more stood nearby or on the road. People were lining up as far as through the ancient Sarov forest, all awaiting the moment when the relics would be opened for veneration.

The Tsar and five Grand Dukes lifted the coffin and carried it from the church. The crowd watched the procession in silence. The occasional weeping was all that could be heard.

After the canonization, Nicholas, and Alexandra bathed in the Sarova River, in which Seraphim had once done the same. There, they prayed that the sacred waters would finally bless them with a son and heir.

Oo

Few people receive special gifts from the light. Even fewer can make use of said gifts, for those who possess them may require an almost otherworldly spiritual vocation, something this man Russians now call a saint had.

St. Seraphim left a particularly important prophecy before he died to Nicholas Motovilov, his chronicler. The recipient of said prophesy was specified in a letter: "To the Tsar in whose reign I shall be glorified".

While Seraphim spoke to Motovilov, the starets often mentioned Tsar Nicholas, whom he called "a Christian in his soul". He mentioned the Tsar´s devout consort, Alexandra Feodorovna, and his mother, the Dowager Empress Maria Feodorovna.

Motovilov searched and worked tirelessly for ways to bring about the canonization of St. Seraphim during the reign of Nicholas I, his wife Alexandra Feodorovna, and his mother Marie Feodorovna. When Nicholas I died in 1855, proving his efforts unsuccessful, Motovilov was bitterly disappointed.

What happened, or more accurately, didn´t happen, was contrary to Seraphim´s prediction. He had linked his canonization to an exact combination of royal names. Motovilov died in 1879. No one would have guessed that fifty years after the death of Nicholas I, the very same names would reappear upon the Russian throne: Nicholas II, his wife Alexandra Feodorovna, and his mother Marie Feodorovna.

St. Seraphim had not only predicted his own canonization, but the arrival of the Tsar and his family for the celebration.

The letter Seraphim left was given to Motivilov with these words: “You will not live that long, but your wife will live to the time when the Royal Family will come to Diveyevo, and the Tsar will come to see her. Let her give it to him.”

And so Motovilov´s wife Elena Ivanovna preserved the letter, and when Tsar Nicholas II came from Sarov to visit Diveyevo, he received it…and was painfully made aware of the future downfall of the Russian nation and Church along with his reign. Of the suffering that would follow.

As soon as the Emperor read the letter, he wept bitterly. The Empress would as well. The entourage tried to console Nicholas, saying that Seraphim may be a saint now, but he had once been human as well. He could be wrong.

The letter could simply be taken as a warning of what could happen, they said, instead of a curse, something doomed to happen.

Nicholas and Alexandra thought of little else for days, they talked to each other in private of little else. Needless to say, the contents of the letter were not what they had imagined.

A warning of what could happen, they decided. Just God´s warning. They have to be firm and prepare for any hardships and tribulations that may come their way, and at the end of the day, they have to accept God´s will, because everything, even the downfall of their nation, would have to happen for a reason.

And still, Alexandra knows that if they have faith in God, all is possible. Any prayer can be heard. Faith can move mountains, and change destiny if God so decides.

Nicholas and Alexandra talked like this to each other, reassuringly.

“It is not like these sorts of predictions are uncommon either”, Nicholas said to Alexandra one time, after praying together in their room. “In Russia, apocalyptic prophesies and rumors have circled around for a long time”. They have, existing since before the Time of Troubles. They are particularly popular among the common people.

Dates for the end of the world have abounded and clearly been proven to be incorrect as well, and not just in Russia, but all over the world. Nicholas and Alexandra are aware of some of this, and in truth, that knowledge is what preserved their sanity.

The trip was not over though. Nicholas and Alexandra also visited the Diveyevo Convent, where Pasha, another old holy fool, spoke to them for several hours. She foretold they would suffer a painful martyrdom.

The Empress, who by miracle didn´t faint, exclaimed:

"I don't believe you, it cannot be!"

Pasha gave the Empress a piece of red material and said:

"This is for some little trousers for your son, and when he is born, you will believe what I have been telling you."

They left pale and terrified.

Not a coincidence then, they both acknowledged in submission to God´s will once the shock passed.

Hard times are coming, that is for sure, but now they are certain of something else as well, something that won´t allow them to fall into despair.

Alexandra´s son might as well have been born already, making her most important duty as an Empress full filled, but most importantly, knowing God has listened to their prayers all this time, Nicholas and Alexandra are ready to hope He will not let them or Holy Russia down.

Moscow is the Third Rome, the center of the true faith. It can´t fall. Surely there must be more to the prophecy, especially considering the miraculous origin of their son. Maybe they will have to suffer through the hard times so he can have an easier and more glorious reign.

Oo

There are people with similar abilities to Seraphim, and there are also those who are since birth so naturally gifted that they may come to have visions or possess special abilities that require little effort on their part. Without any particular sort of piety, without training.

The early 1900s are a strange time. There are plenty of these powerful people alive at the moment, which is rare. They are usually one among tens of billions, barely ever are two alive at the same time.

There is that little blonde peasant girl in a village near Moscow, who is 9 years old now.

There is that other peasant in his thirties, from a Siberian village. He has a family of his own but spends most of his time wandering from holy place to holy place, searching for spiritual meaning in his life, getting a bit lost in the process.

There are others. Each of those people has a purpose, otherwise, they would not exist.

The more naturally gifted they are, the easier it is for them to be corrupted by the dark

Oo

The girls, used to seeing their parents around, are missing them, but not more than Alexandra is desperately missing her babies, as she calls her daughters. She started missing them more after listening to the prophecy. Their presence and cheerfulness would soothe Alexandra very much right now. The mother has sent plenty of letters expressing that longing, especially to her oldest daughter. She has also described her journey, something Olga finds particularly interesting.

Sometimes, Sonia helps Olga read her mother´s letters. The oldest Grand Duchess likes talking to her sisters about them. After the bird incident, those letters are what comforted Maria.

"Auntie Olga likes going on walks through the forest with papa", Olga tells her sisters. "They have seen many soldiers of all kinds. Uhlans, Dragoons and Hussars, and infantry, artillery, and cavalry…"

"Oh!" Maria exclaims. "I wish I could have been there to say hi to our soldiers!"

"But there are lots of soldiers here already", Tatiana argues as she looks at her younger sister. "Our guards".

"Yes, I like them all", Maria says.

"The peasants they have met on the trip have been very nice", Olga continues, "giving mama bread, salt, and flowers they grew themselves. The children love giving mama and papa flowers and talking to mama. An old lady asked her about us, she asked mama where she left us."

"That is so sweet!" Tatiana exclaims, and Maria nods.

"Another one called her mamashinka, which means mother, because she and papa are the little mother and father of the nation, and have to take care of everyone", Olga explains.

Olga is aware of the fact her mother also reminded her to be good, to keep her hands off the table, and to sit straight.

Olga tries to follow her mother´s instructions, but she prefers not to talk about them with her sisters, as Tatiana and Maria could definitely use that information against her. Instead, the girl continues talking about her parents´ trip.

"Why did the workmen give mama bread and salt?" Maria asks Olga as she struts around. They are about to cross a bridge.

"It is a tradition", Tatiana explains. "The Slavic way of greeting guests and mama and papa are guests in the places they visit."

"Well, it is also traditional to give bread and salt to people in other cultures dear", Miss Eagar adds.

"Like what others?" Olga asks, turning to look at her nana. She didn't know about that.

"Well, in Scotland, during New Year´s Day, the first one to enter a house is required by tradition to bring bread, salt, and coal, and there are many more."

"But why coal?" Olga asks.

"I wouldn´t know about that", Miss Eagar admits, to Olga´s great surprise. Miss Eagar knows so many things.

"It is also a tradition in the Baltics", Trina adds. "For the blessing of a new home."

Ahead of the group and walking faster, Maria has already crossed the bridge. She is trying to jump on one foot. Unlike light and agile Nastasia, Maria is chubby, and stumbles quite easily whenever she jumps. On this occasion, she almost falls on her side.

Sonia manages to rush towards the little girl and catch her just in time.

"Fat little bow-wow", Olga says to Maria once she and Tatiana catch up to her. Sonia helps the child stand up. 

Everyone in the little group except for Trina starts laughing as they reach the other side of the bridge.

"Did you get hurt, Mashka?" Tatya asks as she strokes Mashka´s hair. Maria just shakes her head and smiles.

"Thank God! That could have been a bad one!" A shaken Trina exclaims.

Olga thinks it is good that Trina wasn´t in the park with them a few days ago, on another nearby bridge. The four sisters played with their cousin Irina and her brother Andryushka there.

Olga, Tatiana, and Maria had climbed the railing with their cousins, then thrown leaves at the water to see which one would travel faster. Anastasia had tried to climb as well, but not been allowed.

Olga and Tatiana know Anastasia will always try anything she catches her older sisters doing, even dangerous things for her age.

Every day, during most hours, the two-year-old girl´s greatest purpose in life is doing anything she has learnt results in that funny feeling in her stomach, or other people making that loud contagious sound known as laughter. It makes her happy because she knows it means other people are happy.

The three women and the girls keep walking until they come across a bench.

Catherine and Margaretta sit, the latter still carrying on her lap a slightly tired Anastasia.

Sonia, on the other hand, plays ring o´ roses with the three older girls, forming a circle and closing it by holding each other´s hands. They sing:

_Ring-a-ring o' roses,_

_A pocket full of posies,_

_A-tishoo! A-tishoo!_

_We all fall down._

Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Sonia have fun pretending to fall every time the song is over. As the tallest, Sonia is always the last to reach the ground. Maria usually comes second, as her clumsiness includes failing to fall on purpose and then needing help from either Olga or Sonia in order to stand up again. The third girl will then keep giggling for longer than either her sisters or Sonia, missing the beginning of the song each time the others start singing again.

Olga is the quickest, throwing herself into the ground almost every time.

Each time it is played, the game ends up with Sonia and the girls laughing hysterically.

Sometimes Olga, wanting Tatiana to share her success, pulls her down with her so they can fall at the same time, something that makes Tatiana laugh really loudly. The two oldest are a team.

Anastasia watches from Miss Eagar´s arms, laughing and clapping as her sisters fall. Feeling a twinge of jealousy, Anastasia´s tiredness fades away as fast as it appeared. She extends her arms and tries to untangle herself from Miss Eagar´s grasp.

“You want to play with them?” The nanny asks as she makes Anastasia sit by her side. “You can go”. She strokes the little girl´s head.

As soon as she is free, Anastasia grins devilishly. She has changed her mind about what she wants to do.

Miss Eagar realizes she has made a mistake a little too late.

Anastasia stands up on the bench, swings her arms back, and jumps. The thump is loud.

Anastasia hits the floor, falling hard on her hands and knees. Miss Eagar can swear her forehead bounced on the ground as well.

Catherine and Eagar stand up immediately. Their minds quickly fill up with the worst possible scenarios. The game in front of them stops. Sonia and the older girls stare, little Maria, sensing the anxiety of the adults around her, lets out a sob and covers her eyes.

The bench was too high for Anastasia to jump like that.

Catherine waits for the child´s loud cry as she rushes towards Anastasia, following Margaretta, who hopes the two-year-old didn´t open her knees, hands, or worse.

Before either of the women are able to check up on her, Anastasia is back on her feet already.

She is back up, and she is laughing.

“Oh!” Catherine exclaims in relief.

“Again! Again!” Anastasia chants.

Olga, Tatiana, and Sonia laugh. Maria takes her hands away from her eyes and smiles when she realizes her sister is fine.

Miss Eagar smiles for a second as well, but then she realizes Anastasia is trying to climb the bench back up, all of this, in an unstoppable fit of laughter. She stops the two-year-old as she was trying to climb the arm of the bench, presumably, to jump off it.

It is not the first time Miss Eagar has to stop Anastasia, at times unsuccessfully, from jumping off furniture and hurting herself.

Anastasia did open her knee. There is a bit of blood coming out from it, nothing that won´t be back to normal in a day, but Miss Eagar still finds it surprising that Anastasia didn´t seem the slightest bit bothered.

After playing ring o´ roses one more time, now with Anastasia, Tatiana suggests that they all go to Children´s Island. Since it is getting late, the children have to conform with going some other time.

Oo

Tatiana worries less than even her older sister. As the second oldest, a lot less pressure is put on her. She can make mistakes and think of ways to correct them without fearing as many repercussions. She can learn from the ones Olga makes. She can do so discretely. 

Tatiana thinks of enjoying life and making others happy.

A true people pleaser, Tatiana shines more as a hostess than any of her sisters whenever other children come.

Olga and Maria are apt to devote themselves to one or two of their visitors, but Tatiana has learned to watch her hostesses most anxiously whenever she goes out with her family, lest any point of etiquette should escape her.

Tatiana was two and a half years old when Miss Eagar took her to her first party. Olga, Tatiana, and their nanny were met at the top of the staircase by the children they had come to see, their cousins Maria and Dmitri, and their governess. A few days after, Olga and Tatiana were the ones to host a children’s party, and Tatiana was frantically anxious to be dressed and ready. She would hardly stand still to have her sash tied. Miss Eagar told her she really must not be so excited, but Tatiana argued reproachfully:

“When we went to Maria’s house, she and Dmitri were waiting for us at the top of the stairs, and I know it must be right for us to wait for them.” Accordingly, she did so.

The first guests to arrive were children a good deal older than this anxious little hostess, but Tatiana tried to help them take off their wraps. Then, she took hold of their hands, leading them to the principal sitting room, and asked them which they would prefer to do: to turn somersaults, or jump off the sofa, two forms of amusement especially dear to her.

So now, every time Tatiana has a children’s party, she will try to make sure everyone is well looked after. That way it is more fun for everyone once the games begin, even though etiquette itself is like a fun game for Tatiana.

The last time the four Grand Duchesses saw Dimitri and his older sister Maria not too long ago, as they visited with their Aunt Ella and Uncle Sergei, Tatiana was still, in Ella´s words, a magnificent little hostess. Tatiana takes pride in that.

Oo

The next day, after playing with their mother´s dog, the four girls went to Children’s Island with Miss Eagar. The tiny island is located across a canal from the west wing of the palace. One needs a boat to reach it, so two sentries were asked to take the girls and Miss Eagar across the canal, even though Olga, Tatiana, and to a certain extent Maria, already know how to kayak their way to the island.

Once there, a big light blue playhouse awaits them. Today, the girls are playing family inside. After much discussion, Tatiana admitted, with a bit of frustration, that it was her turn to be the father now, since Olga got that role last time and now wants to be the mother.

Maria gets the role of the daughter, while Anastasia plays her part as the family dog convincingly, using Ara, their mother´s dog, as a reference, and barking at the three of them and Miss Eagar.

The game soon dissolves into something different. Maria pets Anastasia and laughs uncontrollably at her barking. Olga and Tatiana attempt to train their “dog” by talking to Anastasia the same way they talk to Ara.

“Good girl”, Tatiana will say with a smile whenever Anastasia raises her hand as if it were her paw. 

Maria laughs at anything Anastasia does. Margaretta can´t hold back her laughter either.

Olga is a bit bolder. After Anastasia bites her, she storms out of the playhouse, brings water from the canal in her hands, and springs it over Anastasia. Miss Eagar, naturally, scolds her.

Oo

Olga has also thought of Dmitri recently. He is very funny and playful, even as a big boy of 11.

The other day when he visited, and they hid in the same place during hide and seek, Dmitri asked Olga whether she knew if their cousin Irina liked anyone. Olga was confused at first by what Dmitri meant by that.

“Like your father likes your mother”, the boy had explained, and Olga understood.

“I don´t think so”, Olga had answered. To be fair, she wasn´t aware children could “like” like that.

Cousins Alice and Andrew must like each other like that, Olga thinks, otherwise, they wouldn´t be getting married.

Alice of Battenberg is the daughter of Alexandra´s older sister, Victoria. She is soon to be married to Prince Andrew of Greece and Denmark, Maria Feodorovna´s nephew.

Olga thinks she knows why Dmitri asked her that. He must be in love with Irina! He must want to marry her as well, just like Andrew will marry Alice. 

Dmitri had then asked Olga not to tell Irina about his question.

Poor Dmitri. Olga would not tell Irina, but part of her wishes she did, to see her reaction. But what if Irina does like him as well? Olga will tell Tatiana though. She wonders what her sister is going to think.

Olga may tell her mother as well, only because it is fun having more people to talk about it.

Dmitri lives with his sister Maria. Aunt Ella and Uncle Sergei take care of them. Olga loves them both very much. Aunt Ella is really nice to her and her sisters, never getting angry or scolding, and Uncle Sergei is very funny and likes teasing them all.

But Olga feels sorry for Dmitri, and his sister Maria, because their papa is always away, but not away like her papa is. Olga´s father always comes back, and when he is with her and her sisters, they see their father almost every day. They play together.

If her father left her and her sisters to go to Paris without them, Olga doesn´t know what she would do. She would feel too sad.

Cousin Ella can´t see her mama and papa at the same time, she remembers. They “liked” each other and now don´t anymore.

Poor Cousin Dmitri, Olga thinks, and poor Cousin Ella. She and her sisters really do have everything.

The young girl has little idea of how right she is. Her father always returns, and he never returns in a bad mood, or unwilling to talk to her, like a certain father in the Urals. He never returns with back pains.

Outside the blue playhouse, one can also find a few lilies of the valley. After playing, Tatiana suggests they pick up some.

It is a very fun game for the four girls to see who can pick up more.

They can give the flowers to their mama once she is back. Tatiana smiles at the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St. Seraphim´s prophetic letter is real, but its real contents are actually unknown.


	13. The Sorrow of Hesse.

There was a great royal family gathering at Darmstadt in September 1903 to celebrate the marriage of the Princess Alice of Battenberg, the daughter of the Russian Empress's oldest sister Victoria, to Prince Andrew of Greece, a nephew of both Queen Alexandra of England and the Dowager Empress of Russia.

Victoria, Elizabeth, Irene, and Alexandra, the Hessian sisters, were all in Darmstadt with their families. A ball was given in their honor.

The four “graces” looked quite lovely according to many of the prestigious guests.

The four Grand Duchesses were delighted to see their cousin Ella once more. Olga and Tatiana were walking together and holding hands as always when they met. Maria was walking with Anastasia on the right. Elizabeth immediately gave each of her cousins a very tight hug, but her attention quickly shifted to Anastasia, who from then on would be called “my tiny cousin” by the young Hessian Princess.

“Can I hold her?” Ella asked with a high voice and wide hopeful eyes.

She picked the two-year-old up after Miss Eagar told her she could do so, and the five girls started walking and talking together.

Ella walked ahead with her tiny cousin in her arms, while Olga and Tatiana walked closely behind, unintentionally and yet consistently finishing each other’s sentences as they told their slightly older cousin about the games they wanted to play, and the toys they had brought. Olga tapped Ella´s shoulder to get her attention, but the little Hessian princess was listening.

“It is going to be great”, Ella exclaimed back at her cousin. “I am going to show you my new dolls as well, and we are going to be together for such a long time!”

Maria held on to Ella´s dress and kept looking up at Anastasia. Unlike her older sisters, Maria had slightly fewer memories of her cousin Ella, so at first, she resented losing the feeling of having her little sister walking by her side. This feeling soon dissipated when her big eyes came into contact with her cousin´s warm ones. Ella´s grey-blue eyes were welcoming, and when Anastasia started laughing and grabbing Ella´s face a bit too roughly, the latter grinned at Maria before asking:

“Is she always pinching everyone?”

Maria smiled back and nodded, then she started explaining Anastasia´s personality to her cousin:

“She is a bit naughty, but she likes us, and likes dolls as well”.

“But you have to be careful”, Olga warned.

“She likes to bite them”, Tatiana finished for her.

Anastasia was amused by her big cousin´s attention. As far as the little one knew, the more playmates, the better.

Alexandra was delighted by the pretty picture of her daughters and niece walking side by side and talking about their past and future games. All the adults were. All of the girls were wearing short dresses of different colors, with bows tied to their hair matching the color of each dress.

Alexandra´s own childhood became sour too soon after it was touched by death. She can only hope something similar never happens to any of her children.

The daughter of Ernst, Alexandra´s brother, is eight years old now and is a pretty dark brunette, similar in looks to her mother. Her grey-blue eyes have a special appearance though. Sadness. That is what Miss Eagar perceives in them, but she wouldn´t dare say so to the girl´s newly divorced father, a Duke. It is not her place. She wouldn´t even dare say so to Miss Wilson, the little girl´s devoted nanny, someone Margaretta Eagar soon comes to be on friendly terms with.

Elizabeth´s life is not lacking in sadness. Her parents are divorced, and her only brother, her baby brother, was stillborn. Thinking of her parents´ divorce makes her feel truly sad, because she loves both of them deeply. She misses mama when she is with papa, and misses papa when she is with mama.

She misses her mama right now, and wishes she had a tiny brother to keep her company.

Elizabeth feels lonely at times, but she tries to make up for that by making everyone around her happy.

Oo

The Romanov family stayed at a new palace. Olga liked its location near the town of Darmstadt, where she and Tatiana have so many good memories with their Cousin Ella, strolling around and visiting the shops. Olga liked the palace´s pretty garden as well, full of ponds covered in beautiful lotus blossoms.

Tatiana fell in love with her cousin Alice´s white wedding dress as soon as she saw it. It was decorated with many flowers. She just couldn´t stop staring, Cousin Alice looked so pretty.

All of her sisters gushed about it before and after the ceremony, Cousin Ella did as well. The bride felt truly flattered and indulged her little cousins by letting them form a circle around herself to have a better look. Alice let them touch her dress as well.

Elizabeth and Olga just marveled at the beauty. Maria stared at the bride as much as she stared at her dress, her little imaginative head filled with questions about the day of her own wedding. She wanted to look just like Cousin Alice.

Tatiana, on the other hand, savored every detail of the dress, and as she touched it, wondered how much work was put into making it.

“Who made it?” She asked.

“A seamstress, dear”, Alice answered.

“But how? It is so big and has so many…”

Just at that moment, Anastasia interrupted the conversation by pulling the dress too hard. Tatiana rushed to Cousin Alice´s aid, but Cousin Ella was already there. She picked Anastasia up and started playing with her by jumping while carrying her around, something that made the two-year-old laugh uncontrollably.

“Come!” Elizabeth exclaimed with an extended hand, and her other cousins followed her.

Maria giggled, and was the first to prance towards Elizabeth and Anastasia in order to take her cousin´s hand and keep amusing her sister.

The older guests couldn´t help but smile every time they saw the five little girls strolling around with big smiles on their faces.

The four Grand Duchesses and their eight-year-old Cousin Ella were dressed in their best clothes for the wedding. Relatively short and elegant white dresses decorated with lace. The white color of their dresses matched their bows. Elizabeth, Maria, and Anastasia wore white socks and shoes as well, while Olga and Tatiana wore black tights and shoes.

None of them looked as beautiful as Cousin Alice in Tatiana´s opinion, and to that, Olga agreed.

There were two long wedding ceremonies, which took place in two churches, Lutheran and Greek. Miss Eagar did a good job keeping Anastasia calm. She had been preparing and had many little toys and soothing techniques at hand.

The older girls got bored at times as well.

“I love the prince´s uniform”, Maria confided to Olga, who was sitting next to her at church. “He looks like a soldier, I love him”. She spoke a bit too loud.

“Shh”, the Empress hushed Maria with a smile, putting a finger in her mouth. She didn´t blame her little Maria for talking at church as much as she did. The ceremonies must have been too much for a little girl of four.

Olga also got a bit bored during the ceremony, and tried not to talk too much with Maria about the groom, or the bride´s pretty dress.

Olga did whisper to Tatiana the parts of the ceremony that were coming though, for she knew them. Olga had asked her master about them. Tatiana was extremely impressed by her sister´s knowledge, and became excited every time Olga was right. Her little squeals betrayed that, much to Olga´s satisfaction.

Olga loves amusing Tatiana. Usually, her sister has no problem being quiet, but those two ceremonies were long.

Oo

Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna of Russia visits her youngest sister Alix often along with her husband, the Grand Duke Sergei. This provides her with plenty of opportunities to spend time with her young little nieces: Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia.

Opportunities to spend time with her other nieces and nephews are a bit rarer, so Elizabeth is grateful to God for these festivities.

The eighteen-year-old bride Alice, fourteen-year-old Louise, ten-year-old George, and three-year-old Louis are the children of Elizabeth´s older sister Victoria and her husband Louis of Battenberg.

Fourteen-year-old Waldemar, six-year-old Sigismund, and three-year-old Heinrich, on the other hand, are the children of Elizabeth´s younger sister Irene and her husband Heinrich of Prussia, a younger brother of German Emperor Wilhelm II, Elizabeth´s former suitor.

Even Elizabeth´s little brother, Ernst, has a beautiful and delightful eight-year-old daughter named Elizabeth like herself. The little girl is Ernst´s world.

All of Elizabeth´s siblings have children of their own now, and the Hessian princess can´t help but feel a small glimmer of sadness and maybe even jealousy as she watches them play together in the garden.

She learned soon after she married Sergei that they wouldn´t be able to have children of their own. People will often come to her with all sorts of advice on how to increase fertility, but Elizabeth has already lost hope, and any advice feels more like a patronizing insult than any genuine concern. She would never dare say so, of course. It would not be polite.

Elizabeth loves children though. She always has. As a little girl, she was the one out of her sisters to play with baby dolls most often. Victoria was the tomboy of the family, and little Alix preferred animals, because they would interact and love her back.

Sergei and Elizabeth´s Ilyinskoe estate, a few miles west of Moscow, is usually filled with parties that Elisabeth organizes especially for children, her nieces, or otherwise.

Elizabeth is fond of her Russian nieces, and of Felix Yusupov, the youngest son of Princess Zinaida Yusupova, the heiress of Russia´s largest private fortune and one of Elizabeth´s best friends. Zinaida has a residence near Ilyinskoe, and over time, it has been hard not to grow increasingly fond of her almost angelic kindness, and of her peculiar little boy.

Now a slightly troublesome young man of 16, Felix was a talkative and funny child who loved attention. He loved attention, and he loved wearing dresses, something Zinaida was delighted by, because she never had any daughters.

Elizabeth also found Felix endearing, and has since been like a second mother to him.

It is hard for Elizabeth to admit, but her fondness for those dear children has not filled the void, at least not completely. Not even caring for Maria and Dmitri has, because sometimes, it only reminds her of what she can´t have, and that makes her feel immensely guilty.

Her relationship with Dmitri is easy. She loves that boy, and can even convince herself at times that he is her son. Bonding with his older sister Maria, on the other hand, has been difficult. Maria was a big child of twelve already when Elizabeth was charged with the responsibility of taking care of her. The oldest of Elizabeth´s adopted children is quiet and closed off, always missing her father. Elizabeth doesn´t know how to be a mother to her.

God, forgive Paul for what he has done to his children, she prays.

Maybe if Elizabeth had been consulted… but Sergei just accepted the responsibility, and Elizabeth was supposed to be happy about it. She didn´t even have time to prepare.

Sergei loves making decisions for her, which is usually not a problem for Elizabeth. Maybe this time it was.

And still, Elizabeth would not change Sergei for anything in the world, not even children. Many people consider him arrogant, short-tempered, and cold. An almost emotionless reactionary with ruthless methods.

He is all that, but Elizabeth knows him better than anyone. He is also tender in his own way. Sergei is ruthless because he worries for the future and stability of the Empire. He appears cold to most people because he doesn´t want to show weakness. But he also loves art, and poetry, and God. That is why they fell in love. He loves Maria and Dmitri, even if he is strict at times.

Sergei loves patronizing charities as well, and from him, Elizabeth has learned.

Elizabeth has financed charities for the poor and suffering people in Moscow for a long time. The homeless, the orphans, and the children of drunkards and prostitutes.

It is not enough. Elizabeth feels as if there is something more she can do for those people. She doesn´t want her life to consist of endless parties and ceremonies anymore. She longs to be close to them, so see for herself what is really happening and not just help from afar, but Sergei is strictly opposed to that.

“This is not Darmstadt and you are not your mother”, Sergei would say. “You won´t be respected for doing that in Russia as you would in Germany. Your job is to preserve the prestige of the family, and besides, it is extremely dangerous. Any anarchist, revolutionary... even a simple lunatic could assassinate you, or worse. There are savages amongst those people, you don´t know what it is like, the things they have had to do to survive”.

Elizabeth is not naïve, she knows. She is curious and asks the charity workers about the living conditions of the poorest of the people. And yet, the spiritual call to do as Jesus did has not abandoned Elizabeth.

Oo

Olga knew about it already, but as they leave the second church, her poor little sister Maria is distressed to learn that Cousin Alice will have to leave her mother and go to live with her husband. Olga offers comfort by hugging her sister.

"I'll never marry," Maria says to Miss Eagar as she hugs Olga back tightly. “I couldn't leave my dear mama."

Miss Eagar explains that everyone who is married has to go to live with their husband or wife, and that Cousin Andrew will now live with Cousin Alice, but that both of them will visit their parents pretty often.

“Why do people marry if they have to leave their mamas to do so?” Maria asks, sinking her head into Olga.

"Very few people can stay always with their father and mother”, Miss Eagar responds to her worries. “Many people are obliged to go away and live with strangers without being married at all."

Surprised, Maria raises her head and asks if Miss Eagar has ever known anyone who did. Miss Eagar then tells Maria of several people who have done so, many of whom the four sisters know, she herself included. She tells Maria they are perfectly happy. That she is perfectly happy.

Maria thinks for a little, and then, with a beaming smile, says: "But that was different, our mama called you."

In any case, there is a mother in it, she thinks. Her mama is so good she can be like Miss Eagar´s mama.

As they walk back to the carriage, Elizabeth takes little Maria by the hand while Tatiana, walking closely behind, talks to her cousin about dresses. Olga is walking by Cousin Ella´s side, playing with her sister Anastasia by taking the giggling little girl in front of her by the arms, helping her jump as high as Olga´s strength allows her from place to place.

“Don´t worry, my dear Maria”, little Elizabeth consoles her cousin as she stops to stroke her hair. “It is not that bad to be away from you mama for a while. Mama and I are separated whenever I am with papa, but it is all right, because I always see her again. It will be that way when you get married. You will see your mother very often as well, every time you want and will be very happy”.

Oo 

The four Grand Duchesses love playing in the beautiful palace garden of ponds and lotus blossoms with all of their maternal cousins of similar ages.

George is ten, but has no problem playing with his younger cousins. Sigismund of six is one of the girls’ favorite maternal cousins, second only to Elizabeth. Louis can´t take his eyes off his four-year-old cousin Maria, only a year older than him. Not knowing any better, he once follows her around for half an hour as she plays with her sisters without doing anything himself.

Little Heinrich is the same age as Louis, and his personality is similar to that of his cousin Anastasia. Alexandra has a special fondness for his nephew because of that. Heinrich has too much energy, and certainly would have enjoyed horseplay more than he has been able to. Every time the children start playing too roughly, Irene intervenes to take Heinrich away or has a nanny do it.

Heinrich suffers from hemophilia, the same illness that killed Irene´s little brother Friedrich when he was only two. Irene´s oldest son Waldemar is a hemophiliac as well, and she has feared for his life ever since he was born.

When someone has hemophilia, their blood doesn´t stop flowing when they get hurt. Doctors are still trying to figure out what causes it, but something is clear, it comes from Irene´s side of the family.

Both her brother and Uncle Leopold died from brain hemorrhages worsened by the illness, Irene remembers with fear. Leopold died at thirty, leaving two orphaned children. She can only hope her sons will live long enough for a cure to be available.

Heinrich still enjoys playing inside with his brothers and cousins. He and Anastasia have made good use of the stuffed animals, making them fight and eat each other.

Oo

Princess Sonia Orbeliani accompanied the Emperor and Empress to Darmstadt.

Sonia was suggested as a lady-in-waiting by Nicholas´s brother-in-law, Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovich, and has become one of Alexandra´s best friends. Her keen sense of humor, vivacity, and generous nature quickly won the Empress over.

Sonia Orbeliani is a remarkably elegant woman, and yet is often dissolved in fits of laughter, enjoying slightly wicked jokes.

Alexandra and Sonia often spend long afternoons at the piano, playing duets, one of the Empress's favorite pastimes. Alexandra appreciates Sonia´s talent for music, although Sonia´s greatest passions are sports.

The princess speaks to the Empress in a frank, open way, giving her opinion even when she knows it will be unpalatable to Alexandra.

Princess Sonia hoped to drag Alexandra out of her insolation by arranging social gatherings with ladies at court, and while the Empress has enjoyed them, they haven´t awakened any social interest in her.

The wedding festivities in Darmstadt though, have been marked with unrestrained joy, even for someone as socially awkward as Alexandra.

Alexandra delights in the family reunion and the round of parties, dinners, and excursions in her former home. She loves being around her brother again and she loves seeing her baby girls happy.

Alexandra´s mood changes dramatically when Sonia falls ill.

The princess begins suffering from a high temperature and becomes so weak that she is no longer able to leave her bed. Alexandra has doctors called in, and soon forgets about the festivities to care for Sonia.

Oo

After the wedding celebrations are over and the guests are gone, Nicholas´s family go along with Ernst and his daughter to Wolfsgarten. Sonia is too ill to go, so she stays in Darmstadt.

Wolfsgarten is a castle that serves as a hunting seat for the ruling family of Hesse-Darmstadt. It is surrounded by nature and has plenty of parks for the girls to play in. The palace itself surrounds a decently sized garden located in the middle.

On the back, away from the palace, there is a white playhouse surrounded by trees. Elizabeth´s playhouse. It has blue doors and windows, and an orange ceiling.

Little Elizabeth is the favorite among her cousins. In spite of the look of intense sadness in her eyes, the little Princess herself is full of life and happiness. Margaretta Eagar never saw such a sunny nature.

Elizabeth is barely ever out of temper, or cross. Should any little dispute arise amongst her four Russian cousins, she will settle it with perfect amiability and justice, making whoever is the most in the wrong give in, and reproving with great gentleness the others. Where Princess Ella is, no angry disputes can exist. She is so sweet and just that the other children always give in to her arbitration.

With Elizabeth around, the four sisters have become closer than ever.

Olga loves being with Cousin Ella, because whenever Ella plays with her and her sisters, things are way more fun than anytime they are alone. Cousin Ella gets the best ideas. She is never angry about anything, and shares all of her toys. Sometimes these things make Olga feel a bit embarrassed, because she does get angry a lot.

Olga and her sisters have more time to play with Cousin Ella around because they spend less time fighting.

Olga loves Elizabeth because whenever they talk about interesting things together, Elizabeth doesn´t just agree with her. She has new ideas because she is very smart, and she shares them with Olga. Most of all, Olga loves the way Elizabeth notices the beauty in nature before even she does.

Elizabeth is a regular little mother, and is never as happy as with her "tiny cousin," as she started calling Anastasia from the moment she saw her.

Maria admires her cousin´s nurturing nature. Ella´s kindness and playfulness towards Maria are rewarded with the latter´s devotion. Maria has never received so much attention and love from her sisters as when they are under the influence of her dear cousin Ella.

It was a pretty sight for the nannies and parents to watch Elizabeth riding with her two eldest cousins in the riding-school. She mounted on a great white horse, and her cousins on little ponies. Elizabeth rode wonderfully well, for her mother had taught her, and would take any of her cousins before her on the saddle, giving them a ride around the school. Maria and Anastasia truly enjoyed this. They would each make happy little squeals as soon as they were mounted on the horse.

Tatiana was impressed by her cousin and the way she was able to ride a horse for grown-up people. She learned a lot from Elizabeth, because the Hessian Princess was patient enough to explain Tatiana everything she knew about horses, and would take her and the others to give the horses little treats.

Oo

The five little girls are playing tag in the garden located at the center of the castle.

Just as Elizabeth is about to touch her, Tatiana trips and falls to the ground.

“My dress!” Tatiana laments. She quickly straightens up and starts checking to see whether her dress is dirty now.

It is. The place she landed on had little grass and lots of dirt in it.

The five girls are wearing white sailor dresses with dark blue details, which is what they usually wear when they go outside to play.

The other girls stop running, Olga and Maria approach their sister with concern. Tatiana´s dress is filled with dirt, and as much as the little girl tries to brush it off, it doesn´t come out. The sailor dress is only turning brown. Ella notices Cousin Tatiana is about to cry.

“Oh, don´t worry, Tanechka”, Elizabeth says as she throws herself into the ground. “Look! I fell as well!” Ella smiles up at Tatiana as she rolls in the same dirt Tatiana fell a while ago.

Tatiana laughs in tears at her cousin´s silliness, but only because she doesn´t want Ella to feel bad. The truth is witnessing Cousin Ella ruining her own pretty sailor dress is not making the six-year-old feel any better.

Olga starts laughing as well.

“Look Tanechka! It is alright!” Olga says, and then follows Elizabeth´s example, making Maria and Anastasia burst into giggles. This does make Tatiana feel a bit better, and soon, Elizabeth and her four favorite cousins are rolling in the green grass.

Anastasia is the first to stand up for a particular reason. She takes a handful of dirt and throws it at her older sisters and cousin. Maria, being in a playful mood, imitates her little sister. The two youngest start terrorizing the three oldest girls, who make it a game of sorts to roll away from the little ones´ attacks.

The loud laughter of the five little girls alerts the nannies that were standing just a few meters away.

None of their parents or nannies become angry at the girls once they are made aware of the situation. Elizabeth knows just how to soften them, how to argue in an endearing and persuasive way. She always does. She has an immense influence on adults.

“The grass was just too pretty not to roll in it”, Elizabeth says. “I gave them the idea, I did it first and my cousins wanted to do it with me”.

Elizabeth´s four favorite cousins will often follow her lead in an almost admiring way.

Elizabeth is then made aware by her father of how hard it will be to wash those dresses.

“Well, well, I will do it”, she volunteers.

Elizabeth has her father in particular wrapped around her finger. There is no one Ernst loves more. No one is grounded that day, but the girls do help the servants wash the dresses. They have a lot of fun doing it.

It has been fun for Alexandra to watch her own daughter Tatiana slowly learn how to imitate her cousin Ella´s persuasive ways throughout the course of their stay at Wolfsgarten.

Tatiana has learned because she is always observing.

Oo

The girls have been very happy so far in Wolfsgarten, and so have the adults, as the weather in autumn is truly pleasant there. Alexandra bought bicycles for her three eldest children, so Olga, Tatiana, and Maria have had grand rides with their cousin around the place.

They have had various excursions as well, and hunted the woods for mushrooms, of which many varieties are found in Germany.

Ella has agreed to call Olga “little empress” because that is the way her cousin likes to be called, but seldom is.

Today they decided to stay outside in the fields near the forest, even after the youngest girls went back to play inside.

They are not alone, of course. Miss Wilson is keeping an eye on the two girls as Olga and Elizabeth keep searching for butterflies.

“We saw them near the flowers last time”, Olga says as she walks forward.

“Yes, they need to eat what is in the flowers”, Ella replies.

“I wonder what flowers taste like”.

“Probably very sweet…oh look!” Elizabeth exclaims as she points at a group of flowers ahead. There are about three butterflies flying closely on top of them. Olga runs and arrives at the place before Elizabeth does, and sits among the tiny blue flowers.

The inner parts of the flowers are yellow, and that is where the orange butterflies perch on.

Olga extends her hands as an invitation for the butterflies to come, but she soon realizes it has little to no effect on the actions of the tiny insects.

Elizabeth catches up to Olga and gives her a warm hug from behind. Olga hugs her back for a few seconds before turning her attention back to the butterflies.

Elizabeth remains kneeling behind her cousin, hugging her, and placing her head close to hers in order to have a good look at the flowers and butterflies in front of them. It is a beautiful picture, Elizabeth thinks. The flowers and the butterflies are illuminated by the midday sunlight.

“Why don´t you pick up some flowers so that the butterflies come to eat them?” The little Hessian Princess asks.

It is a childish idea, but whether the butterflies followed the flowers or they approached Olga´s hands by mere coincidence, it works. After Olga picks two of the small blue flowers, the butterflies approach and start flying close to her hands, and her and Ella´s face.

The two girls start giggling.

“I can´t believe it!” Ella exclaims.

“They are so pretty!” Olga gushes.

One butterfly perches on her dear Cousin Ella´s nose, and Olga wonders if heaven is similar to this place, if God sent them this one. Both girls grin in excitement, but they stay still, close to one another. None of them want the butterfly to go away. When Ella turns her eyes in to have a better look at her nose, Olga can´t help but let out a giggle, and the little insect flies away.

“Miss Wilson!” Ella calls for her nanny as she pulls away from Olga. She wants her to see the butterflies from up close as well. “Look!”

Back inside the palace, while Ella is sitting on a couch, it is Olga who sneaks from behind and gives her a tight hug.

Oo

Even after moving to Wolfsgarten, the Empress regularly drives back to Darmstadt to visit Sonia, sometimes as often as two or three times a day. No one has voiced any objection to their Empress out loud, but that doesn´t stop resentment coming from the stricter court people, some of whom silently discuss Alexandra´s behavior, referring to it as an almost insulting breach of etiquette.

Alexandra wouldn´t care if she knew. She doesn´t mind being accused of not being true to her class, and she won´t allow any interference with her friendships, especially when those friends need her most.

Alexandra prefers homely friends to the more brilliant, high-class variety. She doesn´t mind whether a person is rich or poor. Once her friend, always her friend.

Oo

The playhouse is surrounded by a fence, and the three oldest girls have dared each other to climb over it. Maria tried to climb it once, but would have fallen disastrously if it weren´t for Olga.

The five girls have loved pretending to be adults inside the playhouse. They clean, pretend to cook, have tea parties, and often play for hours without fighting.

Cousin Ella is so nice, Tatiana thinks. Tatiana can be the wife or the daughter anytime she wants, because Cousin Ella has no trouble being the husband so that everyone else is happy.

The girls are having the time of their lives playing with their dolls when a nanny announces it is time for dinner.

Maria pouts as soon as she hears that, Olga frowns, and before a very sad Tatiana is able to open the door, Elizabeth shouts:

“We are not going!”

“Come dears, you can keep playing later”, Miss Wilson says.

“No-uh”, Ella chants as she opens a window and shakes her head so her nanny can see her.

Olga grins at that. Tatiana looks at her cousin and sister with horror in her eyes. Little Maria clings to Elizabeth´s dress and giggles, while Anastasia doesn´t even notice what is happening, and keeps playing with the dolls.

This goes on for a long time. Olga joins her cousin in her taunting as more and more adults gather up outside.

The girls continue playing with their dolls and look at the window to argue with the adults whenever they ask them to come out. Eventually, once she feels safe enough to do so, Tatiana joins the taunting as well.

“My baby, come outside please!” Miss Wilson yells again.

“Come out dears, this is very impolite what you are doing!” Miss Eagar argues with her young charges. 

“Tomorrow!” The quick-witted Olga yells back.

“Never! Not in a thousand years! Not ever!” Tatiana adds just as loudly, and Olga grins at her.

“Not in a thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, years!” Maria tries to impress her sisters.

“Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand! Thousand!” Anastasia screams between jumps.

Elizabeth giggles at her tiny cousin´s understanding of math.

The five girls have a lot of fun looking through the windows at their parents and nannies whenever they are not playing.

The frustrated adults pace up and down impatiently outside as they wait for their high-spirited young girls to stop their games and emerge.

Their dinner is brought to the playhouse. Elizabeth knew there would never be any adults allowed inside. She used to take refuge in her little house to escape lessons.

Oo

A few weeks before Olga´s eighth birthday, after having a picnic outside, Elizabeth and her two oldest cousins find themselves on top of a small hill.

It was easy for Olga and Tatiana to climb it, but Maria got stuck in the middle, laying on her stomach. Elizabeth and Tatiana cheer Maria on, while Olga gives her instructions on how to keep climbing, and sometimes pulls her by the hands, which is not helpful for Maria, and sometimes only makes her slip every time Olga lets go.

Anastasia is at the bottom crying and screaming in frustration because unlike Maria, the two-year-old hasn´t been able to climb even halfway up the hill. Her cries are beginning to hurt the other little girls´ ears. Anastasia is beginning to resent her small size. It doesn´t match her spirit.

Elizabeth rushes back down, consoles her tiny cousin with kisses and reassuring words just like any grown-up nanny would, and carries her up. Elizabeth feels proud and happy about helping little Anastasia not cry anymore.

The three oldest girls then help the fat little bow-wow, as Tatiana refers to Maria.

Once on top, Elizabeth and Tatiana tell Olga not to look, and with the help of Maria and Anastasia, they prepare a crown using flowers and other materials Elizabeth had brought in her pockets. They present it to the oldest Romanov daughter as a surprise.

“For the little empress”, Elizabeth says as soon as Olga is allowed to look.

Elizabeth´s oldest cousin is delighted and suggests they all play coronation, so they can give the crown a good use.

Elizabeth plays the part of the priest. Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia are the faithful subjects attending. Olga is, naturally, the little empress. They use a rock as the orb and a stick as the scepter.

Olga makes sure the adequate protocol is followed.

Oo

Alexandra and one of her sisters have just returned from a drive when the horses suddenly take fright and bolt. They rush around the sides of the narrow courtyard and suddenly head for the stables, the door of which is shut. The footman, an old servant, thinking that a smash is inevitable, throws himself from the box, hoping to catch the horses by the heads and bring them to a standstill. He, however, falls and gets kicked in the face by one of the horses.

The Grand Duke of Hesse sees what is about to happen and rushes up in time to catch one of the horses by the bridle as they are heading into the shut-up stable, saving his two sisters, who are not hurt. The old servant, fortunately, is not seriously injured.

The children are all in the little cottage when it happens, out of danger. But they witness the whole thing from the windows and are terribly frightened.

While scared herself, Elizabeth consoles her cousins:

“Don´t worry”, she soothes them, and then points at the carriage when she sees Alexandra step outside. “Look Maria, they are fine”.

“Mama is not hurt”, Tatiana repeats as she looks up at Olga and clings to her. She has put her head on her older sister´s shoulder. It is not often Olga is afraid, but on this occasion, she was.

After patting each of her cousins on their backs or heads, depending on their size, Ella says:

“Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Oo

After their stay in Wolfsgarten, Nicholas, Alexandra, and their daughters went along with their retinue to their hunting lodge in Skierniewice, Poland, taking the Grand Duke of Hesse and his little daughter with them.

A swing and a giant's stride was put up for the children in Poland, and a little carriage drawn by a pair of tame deer was also prepared. The girls continued to run, play, and bicycle in the mornings. They went on long excursions and had more picnics in the forest, playing hide and seek there. Every evening, there would be games and romps through the big rooms of the palace.

The oldest three girls gossiped about how Cousin Dmitri definitely liked Cousin Irina, and he was going to marry her like Cousin Andrew had married Cousin Alice. Maria loved listening to those stories.

Laughter and merriment followed everywhere the girls went, and Elizabeth took the lead in most games.

Elizabeth was deeply interested in all that she saw. Like Margaretta Eagar, she was horrified at seeing the people kneel in the road whenever the children's carriage approached. The Irish governess never got used to it, nor ever overcame the feeling of horror mixed with pity that she experienced upon seeing this done for the first time. The little Grand Duchess Olga, who is very sensitive, used to look at them with tears in her eyes and beg her nanny to tell them not to do it.

One day, Elizabeth and Tatiana were wonderfully busy and mysterious, running in and out of the rooms, and exploding into laughter every now and then. In the evening, after they were in bed, Tatiana took from under her pillow a little box which her dear Cousin Ella had prepared for her. This contained some little colored stones which they had picked out of the gravel the day before, some bits of matches, luminous ends, the sand-paper off a match-box, and some tissue paper. This was a toy which they had prepared.

After Tatiana was in bed, if she felt lonely she was to sit up in bed, light a match upon the sand-paper, set fire to the tissue paper, and by its light to play with the stones.

Miss Eagar did not allow it, and Tatiana was overwhelmed with horror when her governess explained to her that they could have been burned in their beds.

One evening, when the game of the shooting party was laid out, Miss Wilson said to Miss Eagar:

"I should so much like to show my baby this, it would interest her."

The two nannies got blankets and shawls and prepared a warm little nest for her in the window seat, and brought her from her bed, wrapped in a dressing-gown and shawl, to see the hunters, including her father, shoot outside.

She was quite delighted.

Next morning, the Grand Duchess Olga was disposed to grumble at having been left in bed all night, and said to Miss Eagar:

"Ella is only eight months older than I am, and Miss Wilson took her up to see it all, and you left me in bed, like a baby."

The little Hessian Princess said with a sweet voice: "Oh! Dear Olga, don't be angry, you will often see it again, but I shall never again see it."

At Skierniewice, Elizabeth often made use of that expression: “I shall never see it again". 

The shooting party went on to the hunting lodge at Spala. The whole game was shot during the two days and finished earlier than usual on a Saturday afternoon. Miss Wilson and Miss Eagar, discussed the matter and concluded that they might as well indulge their little charges with a sight of it all.

They wrapped them up and took them out. The children were delighted. The little Hessian Princess was often full of life and fun but had unusually high spirits that Saturday evening.

She prepared and carried out an innocent little practical joke on her father and aunt. She asked Miss Eagar to put her three eldest cousins in her bed, and leave little Anastasia alone in another bedroom.

"When auntie Alix and papa come," said Elizabeth, "auntie Alix will be looking everywhere for her children, and papa will not know how he has got four."

It was done, and Miss Eagar stepped into the corridor to ask the Empress and the Grand Duke to appear surprised and go along with the child´s prank. They acted exceedingly surprised indeed, and the Empress pretended to be much frightened as she looked for Olga, Tatiana, and Maria, to Ella's great delight.

Laughter could be heard all through the house as one by one the cousins were disclosed.

Oo

The next Sunday Morning, Olga turned eight years old, and she woke up with a great idea. She convinced Tatiana to go into Elizabeth´s room and surprise her before breakfast, so they would have an improvised birthday party.

“Let´s take all of our toys to her room!” Tatiana exclaimed in happy acceptance. She removed the blankets from her body and walked from her bed towards her sister´s.

Olga and Tatiana share a room, and the two youngest Romanov sisters sleep in another one.

“Maybe she will be sleeping and we will wake her up”, Olga gushed as she left her own bed.

“We will scare her!” Tatiana exclaimed.

The two girls were walking towards the door when Margaretta Eagar suddenly opened it, making Olga and Tatiana scream in surprise and then laugh.

“What were you naughty girls planning?” Miss Eagar said playfully. Olga and Tatiana keep giggling for a moment before explaining to their nanny what they wanted to do.

“Cousin Ella woke up with a sore throat, my dears”, Miss Eagar explained with a sad expression. “Now, go dress up”.

Oo

Miss Eagar made sure the court doctor was fetched, and along with Miss Wilson, took Elizabeth´s temperature. It was normal, so Miss Wilson helped Elizabeth get dressed.

When the little girl went to the bathroom, the nannies were made aware that other symptoms had already set in, so Elizabeth was put to bed again.

By the time the doctor arrived, Elizabeth´s throat was already better. He said it was possible that the wide variety of foods during her many travels had caused the symptoms, particularly the upset stomach, but he was not alarmed, and neither were the nannies, or the girls, who continued playing, even if slightly disappointed about not being able to do so with their cousin.

Miss Eagar kept her charges out as much as possible, to keep the nurseries quiet for the ailing Elizabeth. Tatiana just asked Miss Wilson to tell Cousin Ella to get better. Olga added she would pray for Cousin Ella to get better.

When Margaretta Eagar returned from a carriage drive with her four charges, Miss Wilson received them and cheerfully said:

"Oh! My baby is ever so much better, she has had no return of the sickness for a couple of hours, and is sleeping quietly."

Miss Wilson went on to explain Elizabeth´s temperature had spiked but was now back to normal, then she went back to the sick child´s room.

Elizabeth´s four cousins were immensely happy.

“Can we go see Cousin Ella now?” Olga asked as they were walking through a corridor towards the nurseries.

“Not yet, dear, she must be resting”, Miss Eagar replied. “I am going to ask the doctor whether it would be appropriate for you to see her once she is up”.

Leaving her charges, Miss Eagar went to see the doctor, who was leaving Elizabeth´s room. The Irish governess decided to congratulate him on the improvement in his little patient first.

"Improvement?" He echoed in surprise. "The child is dying of failure of the heart."

Margaretta´s eyes opened wide. She felt stunned for a moment, then utterly incredulous.

“But how can that be?” She asked. “As far as I am aware her temperature is fine now, Miss Wilson told me so. She has been sick for only a few hours!”

The man remained silent, gave the Miss Eagar a sad look, and then shook his head slowly.

Miss Wilson had taken care of Elizabeth since she was a baby. The doctor was not aware of this, but he had seen the English nanny interact with the little Elizabeth. Anyone would have seen how much that woman loved the girl.

The doctor pitied the nanny deeply. Because of this, he hadn´t told her yet.

“Children get horribly sick quickly all the time and recover quite as rapidly”, Miss Eagar insisted. “It was just a fever and… and a sore throat, I don´t understand…”

“I understand you have experience with children recovering, but I am the one treating this child. Her heart is failing from hour to hour, and her temperature has risen rapidly.”

It fell on Margaretta Eagar to tell the Empress and Grand Duke that Elizabeth was very ill and weak. They both came down to see her. Neither of them could see that she was very ill, nor in any danger.

The doctor explained the situation. Elizabeth´s heart was becoming weaker and weaker.

“The beatings are hardly perceptible”, he stated.

The Grand Duke felt his daughter´s pulse and thought it strong enough. Alexandra and Ernst were in and out of the room visiting Ella all through the evening but thought Miss Eagar and the doctor were needlessly alarmed.

So much did they disbelieve any possibility of danger to the child that they went to the theatre that night.

Oo

Margaretta Eagar continued visiting the sick patient once every few minutes. Sometimes, she talked to the doctor outside of the girl´s room.

“I am in serious need of a second opinion”, the doctor confessed on one of these occasions.

Margaretta Eagar got him to send a message to the Empress.

Before the specialist they had asked for arrived, the Imperial family returned from the theatre.

The Empress and the Grand Duke came in to see the little one, who roused herself and spoke brightly to them.

“I just feel very tired, like I couldn´t move if I wanted to”, the little girl said.

“You need to rest to get better”, Alexandra told her. “In one or two days you will be up and running again”.

“Yes, auntie Alix”.

“Your cousins are telling me they missed playing in the swings with you today”.

Elizabeth was so weak she could only smile.

Ernie talked to her daughter for a while and then showered her face with kisses as the little girl giggled. The Empress watched with a smile and then told Miss Eagar not to be nervous or frightened about the child.

“She will be all right in the morning”, Alexandra told her. “You will see”.

They went to bed, and the child speedily sank into a semi-stupor.

Oo

The room was dark except for a dim light coming from the night lamp.

Miss Wilson had seldom left Elizabeth´s bedside. She was sitting next to the patient on a wooden chair. The light of the night lamp illuminated the woman´s face as she held the little girl´s hand.

The Hessian Princess had a visibly pained expression on her face. Her muscles ached, and dark circles had formed under her eyes.

On the other side of the bed, Margaretta Eagar occupied another chair. In a moment of weakness, the Irish nanny yawned. Miss Wilson noticed and felt sorry for the other governess.

“You can go now, you need rest”, she told her. “You have done so much for us today…”

“I cannot leave you to suffer through this alone”, Miss Eagar protested. Then she looked at the sleeping Elizabeth, smiled, and said: “Or the poor little angel.”

As they spoke, death walked through the corridors and rooms of the palace.

Oo

Maria and Anastasia start screaming in their room, loudly. The silence is disrupted everywhere on the floor. Miss Eagar immediately stands up and rushes towards them.

“Good God!” She exclaims as she enters the room. “What is it?”

Maria and Anastasia are standing in their beds, looking terribly alarmed. Maria is crying.

“A bad man!” The four-year-old bawls.

“What?! What dear?” The worried woman asks.

“He entered our room”, the little girl cries.

“Bad man!” Anastasia exclaims. “Very bad man!” She is not crying, but her brow is furrowed, and whenever she is not talking, she is pouting.

“Did he harm you?” Miss Eagar immediately inquires.

“He, scared, me”, Maria explains through sobs. “He is very bad”. Easily influenced by her sister´s mood, Anastasia lets out a loud sob herself and starts crying.

The girls might not understand the severity of their cousin´s illness, but Margaretta knows they understand she is ill. They know she feels horrible because they listen to adult conversations. Maybe the situation has them stressed out, Miss Eagar thinks.

“Oh, no, my babies, no!” Margaretta exclaims with a sweet tone of voice as she rushes towards Maria´s bed to comfort her. “No one here is going to harm you, your nana is here with you”.

She wipes the little girl´s tears and hugs her, taking her time to do so, and then does the same with the even smaller Anastasia.

As she soothes Anastasia with sweet words, Margaretta starts to think. The rooms can only be entered from the dining-room, or from the second bedroom. Maria and Anastasia´s bedroom can only be entered from the room in which the little princess lays ill.

No one could have entered their room without her knowledge. The doctor and the sick little princess's own faithful servant-man have been in the dining-room all night.

The governess carries Anastasia around the room as she rocks her.

“Maybe it was the good doctor who entered the room by mistake, my dears”, Miss Eagar suggests. Anastasia shakes her head almost immediately.

“No!” Maria says loudly. “It was a horrible, and bad, awful man”.

The night-light could have also thrown a shadow which frightened the children into thinking there was someone in the room, Margaretta thinks. She, therefore, changes its position.

“Look dears…” she begins to say, but is promptly interrupted.

“The bad man is hiding behind the curtain!” Little Anastasia yells as she clings to her nanny. Maria starts sobbing again.

Miss Eagar then lights a candle and carries little Anastasia around the room to prove to her that there is absolutely nothing to frighten her. She even rolls the curtain over.

The doctor, who has heard the cries, comes in, and when Miss Eagar explains the situation, he starts trying to help the nanny soothe Marie, telling her that maybe it was little Elizabeth´s servant who entered.

It is useless. Nothing is able to soothe Maria, who continues weeping, and when Miss Eagar tries to put her back in her bed, Anastasia refuses to let go, clinging hard to her nanny and screaming loudly.

Miss Eagar takes Anastasia into her arms and sits down to try to comfort her. The little girl buries her face in her nanny´s neck and clings to her, trembling and shaking.

It is dreadful for Margaretta to see her in such a fright.

After the doctor leaves, Miss Eagar lights a candle and leaves it on a little table close to Maria's bed. The nanny sits down near it with Anastasia in her arms, so that she might be beside both children.

Lying in bed, Marie keeps talking to Miss Eagar about the dreadful person, and becomes startled, sitting up in wild horror every now and then.

The doctor comes into the room and tells Miss Eagar that a new Polish doctor has come from Warsaw and given the sick little princess an injection of caffeine.

“Her heart seems stronger”, he says. “I think I am beginning to hope for the best.”

The next time Marie mentions the mysterious stranger, Miss Eagar turns to the little girl and says:

“Did you hear? A new doctor came from the city to help our doctor make Cousin Ella quite well again, and perhaps he might have come to the door in mistake, or you might have heard him speak, but there is no one in the room now."

“No nana”, Maria. “He was not a doctor, he was a very bad man who didn´t speak and didn’t come through any door.”

Suddenly, Maria sits up in her bed. She follows with her sight something that Miss Eagar is not able to see, as much as she tries.

"Oh!" Maria cries. "He is gone into Cousin Ella's room."

"Oh! Poor cousin Ella!” Little Anastasia exclaims as she sits up on Miss Eagar´s knee. “Poor Princess Elizabeth!"

Oo

Anastasia falls asleep almost immediately after, but it takes some time before Margaretta is able to loosen her clasped arms and put her to bed. Little Maria also sleeps quietly.

As soon as possible, Margaretta returns to the sick room. There, she finds the strange new doctor.

“The little child is no better”, the specialist says when she enters the room.

“What is wrong?” Miss Eagar asks.

"Paralysis of the heart. I have given her many injections, both of caffeine and camphor, but to no avail."

The doctors give her stimulants constantly, and for a little while, she appears to improve. Suddenly though, Elizabeth sits up in her bed and looks from one person to the other with wide, frightened eyes.

"I'm dying!” She cries out loudly. “I'm dying!"

“No, my baby, you are good”, Miss Wilson coaxes her to lie down again. “You are good my baby”. The nanny strokes the child´s hair, caresses her face, and takes her small hand into her own.

Elizabeth lies down, but turns her head to Miss Eagar.

"Send a telegram to mama", she anxiously requests.

“I will”, Miss Eagar says.

“I want to see her again”.

“I will make sure of it, child”, Margaretta assures her.

“I want to see her again, I always see her again, promise me you will send her a telegram.”

“I promise.”

"Immediately", the little princess adds.

Miss Eagar goes upstairs and calls the Grand Duke and the Empress, who come down without loss of time. The telegram is sent to Coburg, to the mother.

Throughout the night and early in the morning, the doctors continue to fan the feeble spark of life, but moment by moment it declines. Elizabeth is so weak she barely moves.

While Olga and Tatiana sit with their father in the dining room, Miss Eager distracts Maria and Anastasia. The two youngest girls are growing increasingly alarmed by the clear signs of distress their elders are manifesting.

Alexandra feels sick and guilty. She is developing a cold and feels horribly guilty. Ernst is sobbing so hard he can barely talk. He has visited his daughter´s bedside, but can´t stay for long without losing composure.

If only they had noticed sooner. Maybe Alexandra could have sent for a specialist even earlier. Maybe. Maybe.

Her dear brother is so heartbroken. He paces from one side of the dining room to the next. Alexandra can barely catch up to him in order to offer physical comfort.

She wipes her own tears as soon as they fall. She has to be strong. Alexandra has never seen him like this. Not even after their father died, not ever. Her brother´s grief is immeasurable.

“God is with you Ernie, He is suffering with you, take comfort in him”, Alexandra soothes Ernst once she gets him to stop pacing. “She won´t die, she will just move on to a better place, a place where she will be so much happier, and you will see her again.”

“If she dies, Alix”, he weeps, “I will have nothing.”

Oo

Unlike many children with no such fortune, Olga was part of the lucky ones that don´t have exceedingly worrisome thoughts or problems beyond their years.

She may not have problems beyond her years, but has recently become acquainted with the most worrisome of thoughts.

“Paralysis of heart…” She has heard the doctors say.

“…but the little girl is dying…” the servants talk amongst themselves.

Olga knew what death was already, but the concept has never been less abstract. She understands what is happening better than any of her younger sisters, and has been crying in her father´s arms for half an hour. She tries to pray in silence for Cousin Ella to get better, but watching Uncle Ernie cry makes the eight-year-old girl way too sad.

Tatiana cried as well. She cried when she and Olga visited their ailing cousin for just a moment. It made Tatiana really sad to see her dear Cousin Ella so weak and fragile, but the gravity of the situation hasn´t hit her yet. She is now sitting next to her father, asking him questions about how the doctors are helping her cousin. Once in a while, she rubs her older sister´s back and says:

“Don´t cry Olenka, God and the good doctors will make Cousin Ella feel better.”

Oo

The entire Hessian entourage is in the sick room, kneeling around the bed. Many of them are crying for their princess.

Elizabeth has lost touch with reality. She is talking to her cousins and seems to imagine she is still playing with them. She asks for little Anastasia, her “tiny cousin”, and when Miss Eagar brings the little thing into the room, Elizabeth´s dying eyes rest on her for a moment.

"Poor Cousin Ella!” Anastasia cries, over and over again. “Poor Princess Elizabeth!" 

Anastasia becomes so upset that Margaretta decides to take her out of the room soon after.

Miss Wilson hasn´t left Elizabeth´s side. The dying child turns her head and gives the nanny a kiss.

Just another minute passes.

By the time Victoria Melita´s answer is received, the child has already passed away.

Oo

There were many rumors, among them, that Elizabeth had been poisoned by oysters meant for the Tsar. None of them were true.

There was an autopsy made on the body. Princess Elizabeth of Hesse had died of suppressed typhoid and was twelve days ill, but the symptoms hadn´t manifested themselves until little more than a day before she passed away.

Margaretta Eagar and her four charges left for Tsarskoye Selo that same evening. It was thought better to remove the children from the lodge so that the necessary fumigation and disinfecting could be carried out.

Nicholas and Alexandra stayed. They intended to go to the funeral, but Alexandra was very ill, so she remained in Poland.

Kaiser Wilhelm II, the German Emperor, expressed shock at the child's death in a letter to Tsar Nicholas II on the day after:

"How joyous and merry she was that day at Wolfsgarten, when I was there, so full of life and fun and health ... What a terrible heartrending blow for poor Ernie, who doted and adored that little enchantress!"

Oo

Ernst´s little Elizabeth had been the sunshine of his life. He was inconsolable at first, but had then gathered up the courage to comfort Miss Wilson, who worshipped little Ella, as well as other grieving servants. These efforts soon drained him though, and the bereaved father ended up feeling nauseous and having to lie down.

Elisabeth's body was placed in a silver casket, a gift from Nicholas II for the journey back to Darmstadt.

Ernst arranged a white funeral, with white instead of black for the funeral trappings. White flowers, and white horses for the procession. It was what Elizabeth would have preferred, he thought. She was like sunshine, wanting to make everyone happy, like the light itself.

The Hessian people came out by the thousands to view the funeral procession. Many of them sobbed for their princess.

Ducky, the girl´s mother, attended the funeral along with most of her ex-husband´s family. She looked miserable, and related anecdotes about her daughter to family members with noticeable remorse. Everyone felt sorry for her and tried to offer comfort despite disliking the fact she now lived with Grand Duke Cyril without being married.

She asked Grand Duchess Elizabeth whether it would displease her brother to meet his ex-wife.

Victoria and Ernst had a meeting before the service. Ducky wished to see her daughter, and the coffin was uncovered. When they were left alone, she asked him in detail about the illness and the last minutes of their daughter´s life. They behaved, not as a divorced couple, but as parents grieving for their child. Ernie was kind, keeping her close by during the entire service and funeral.

After the service, in a final gesture to Elisabeth and Ernst, Victoria Melita kneeled and tenderly put her head on her daughter’s coffin, setting her badge of the Order of Hesse, granted to her upon her marriage, into the casket.

And just like that, Victoria Melita´s last connection to Germany was cut off.

Elisabeth was buried in the Rosenhöhe with other members of the Hessian family.

Oo

Alexandra has stayed at Skierniewice for almost six weeks to recover from her illness.

She has had painful symptoms, misses her daughters, and feels heartbroken over her niece´s death. Heartbroken and guilty.

She can´t believe that sunny little child is truly gone. She has cried so much, making her influenza symptoms much more unpleasant. It is too painful to bear, and as much as she tries to, Elizabeth´s death has reminded her of her own mortality and that of other people she loves.

The little girl is now in heaven, that she knows, but she feels sorry for her beloved brother Ernie and can almost feel his grief. She feels sorry for her sensitive Olga and wonders how she is coping. She is fearful for her babies, for her Nicky, for everyone... Alexandra worries about the health of her dear friend Sonia Oberliani as well.

Ever since Alexandra was a little girl, she has felt anguish for people´s suffering more deeply than most. She has longed to help people fight their battles and bear their crosses and feels completely impotent and helpless whenever she is unable to.

Longing to help and defend is Alexandra´s greatest virtue and sorrow.

Once, early during Nicholas´s reign, the minister Count Witte was summoned to the Empress, who compassionately expressed her surprise that there were so many poor and impoverished people in Russia, almost demanding that he made it stop in a pathetic way. The Count would have mocked her if it weren´t for her position. She had sounded like a child.

Back in Darmstadt, when she was little more than a child, Alix and her family had taken special care of almost all the impoverished, the orphans, and the needy citizens of her father´s small duchy. It had been a huge shock for Alexandra to realize that the immense size and population of Russia would not allow for a quick, simple solution to the country´s many problems, not even those that involved the deaths of thousands of poor children. At first, she had been entirely unable to reconcile herself to Witte´s explanation that what could be easily done in her former home was impossible in her new, adopted one, a place she would come to love even more than Hesse.

Alexandra has better intellectual capabilities than most people, but they are not excellent. She is way too far from anything resembling a genius. She is aware, and at peace with that knowledge. What she has is what God has given her after all, and a good heart is always more important, but sometimes, she wishes her intellect were truly exceptional, so she could genuinely help Nicholas put a stop to it. The only thing she can do is make her husband strong, so that he guides the country through the right path, so that no minister stands in his way. Now more than ever she has to, for she knows dark times are coming.

Sometimes, the only thing that stops Alexandra from going mad is her firm belief that God has a divine plan, and thus, there is a good reason for every dreadful and horrible event imaginable.

The Emperor and Empress are not fully aware of just how much is indirectly kept from them through the endless security protocols and censors of the Okhrana. Through court protocol or simple tradition. Through propriety.

Alexandra has no idea of how much that helps her sanity as well, and keeps her out of touch.

Oo

It has been a sad and gloomy time in Tsarskoye Selo.

Olga had the worst time coping with her cousin´s death. She cried a lot during the train ride back to Tsarskoye Selo, all while Cousin Ella traveled inside her silver casket on another train.

It is not fair, Olga thinks as she walks through the park with Miss Eagar. Her sisters are inside with other nurses.

Olga is wearing black. Black dress, black coat, black tights, black bows, and black shoes. She asked to be dressed like that, for that is what grown-up people wear whenever they are sad because someone died. She was told Cousin Ella had a white funeral, and still wanted to wear black, at least today. She doesn´t know why.

Olga has recently taken many long walks around the park carrying and hugging her favorite doll. She has also slept hugging many dolls, like a baby, and hates herself for it. She knows that is not what big girls do. Olga had stopped doing it a long time ago, so she doesn´t know why she is doing it now either, or why she is not talking much.

It was too soon. Olga wasn’t even allowed to say goodbye. Not properly, no. And now she won´t see Cousin Ella again for a really long time, not until she goes to heaven as well.

For an eight-year-old such as Olga, the feeling of losing Cousin Ella is similar to what she experiences when a playdate is over and her friends are gone, but much more painful. Painful in a way she had never felt before. There will never be another playdate with Cousin Ella.

Olga has been introduced to the sad parts of life. She can only look at the sky and pray Cousin Ella is happy right now.

Tatiana has behaved in a truly devoted fashion towards her elder sister. She has given Olga her dessert at the dinner table, and has offered to play whatever Olga wants to in order to cheer her up. Tatiana feels better whenever she manages to make Olga laugh, or smile at least. It is like a game, but often, she fails.

Tatiana has been sad as well, but she hasn´t cried as much. She does miss Ella though and feels horrible about not having used the toy she and her cousin prepared with such joy. Poor Cousin Ella worked so hard to make it.

Tatiana wishes she had lighted the match upon the sand-paper, set fire to the tissue paper, and by its light played with the stones she had picked with Cousin Ella. She tried to do so yesterday in her and Olga´s room, but Miss Eagar had scolded and reminded her once again that she could burn herself. One of the other nurses had then hidden everything but the stones.

Tatiana feels so sorry for Cousin Ella, and is now desperately trying to look for the matches, the sand-paper, and the tissue paper all over the nursery. Between her dolls and toys, under the chairs. Everywhere. The little girl does not understand everything has been thrown away.

When Tatiana realizes she can´t find anything, she starts crying.

It has been easiest for Maria and Anastasia. Being young, they have accepted with relative ease that their dear cousin is in heaven. Most of all the positive little Maria.

“She is flying with the angels, imagine how fun Olenka!” She will say to her in a tiny hopeful voice whenever Olga becomes sad about Cousin Ella.

Maria and Anastasia have continued playing, almost as if nothing had happened.

The only thing that bothers Maria is the memory of that horrid shadow man. She has nightmares of him hurting her dear Cousin Ella, but Tatiana says Cousin Ella is in heaven. Miss Eagar says so whenever she wakes up crying after having a nightmare. Everyone says so. Maria trusts them.

Oo

One day, Tatiana wakes up with a bright idea, so she goes to Olga´s bed.

“Olga! Olga! Wake up!” She exclaims, moving her shoulders. Olga groans, but opens her eyes reluctantly.

As soon as she sees her sister´s eyes are open, Tatiana ignores Olga´s mood, and tells her:

“You know how you feel sad about Uncle Ernie crying? Let us give him a present that will make him very happy!”

Olga´s quick mind starts filling with ideas. She gives her younger sister a smile that makes six-year-old Tatiana feel very good about herself. She falls into Olga´s arms, and the two girls give each other a warm hug.

Oo

Christmas is overshadowed by the recent death. Although the Emperor and Empress have returned, which has given the girls much comfort, Alexandra is still sick with influenza, and the festivities without her have made the celebrations less bright.

Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia have talked much about Cousin Ella together, and how God has taken her spirit. They like praying and discussing heaven, and understand that later, God will take Cousin Ella´s body to heaven as well.

Slowly but surely, Olga´s mood improves by talking to her sisters.

On Christmas morning, when Olga wakes up, she asks Miss Eagar: "Did God send for Cousin Ella's body in the night?"

Miss Eagar feels startled by such a question on Christmas morning, but gives the girl a warm smile before answering: "Oh no, dear, not yet."

Olga frowns, greatly disappointed.

"I thought He would have sent for her to keep Christmas with Him", she explains.

Despite not being the best of Christmases, a beautiful tree is put up in the playroom, just like every year. Nicholas opens up presents with his daughters and then plays with them.

Olga and Tatiana receive a very nice letter from Uncle Ernie, in which he thanks his two oldest nieces for their words and drawings of his daughter, saying he will always take them with him.

Along with the letter, the two little girls receive a frame with Cousin Ella´s picture in it. As soon as they see it, Olga kisses the picture, and so does Tatiana. Nicholas is deeply moved.

“So that you can have it always with you”, their uncle wrote of the frame.

Oo

While Olga and Tatiana read letters, and Nicholas plays dolls with Anastasia, Maria sits on the floor of the playroom, under the Christmas tree. She looks with great interest at a picture of Nydia, the blind girl of Pompeii, in a book about art she received as a gift.

Nydia, the Blind Flower Girl of Pompeii, was the most popular American sculpture of the nineteenth century. The subject was drawn from a novel that ends with the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in a.d. 79. Nydia is a character that heroically attempts to lead two companions out of the burning, ash-covered city. Her closed eyes and staff in the sculpture allude to her blindness, while the hand raised to her ear refers to her acute sense of hearing.

Maria is learning to read, but doesn´t understand everything yet. She also has questions.

Suddenly, the four-year-old stops trying to read the book and looks up at her governess instead.

“Why is Nydia blind?” Maria innocently asks Miss Eagar, who kneels down next to the little girl as she thinks about her answer.

“Sometimes God makes people blind… or ill, or special for a reason”, the governess answers. “There is always a reason, but no one knows why”.

"I know someone who knows", Maria states.

"No, dear, I think not”, Miss Eagar reiterates, “no one knows."

"Cousin Ella knows", the little girl explains. "She is in heaven, sitting down and talking to God, and He is telling her how He did it, and why."

Oo

Doctors eventually diagnosed a progressive spinal disease. Princess Sonia Oberliani would continue to suffer from occasional periods of illness, marked by loss of strength and a high temperature. As the disease took hold, a gradual paralysis would set in, which would eventually confine the patient to a wheelchair. The disease was incurable and would result in death. There was, Alexandra learned, nothing to be done but await the inevitable end.

And with that, Alexandra´s sorrow increased, and would continue to increase, just like the sorrow of Hesse. There is a reason why the ten-year-old seer from a village south of Moscow has seen the vision of death itself on them as a whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is like 50/50 on truth and fiction. If you want to know which anecdotes on the girls are real, read the “Princess Ella” chapter, from Margaretta Eagar´s memoirs.  
> While writing this chapter, I was once again inspired by blendedislandartist on instagram. She has lovely Romanov art, some of which includes Ella.  
> In real life, Margaretta Eagar didn´t specify which of the little Grand Duchesses said she didn´t want to marry because it meant moving away from her mama. The obvious guess was Tatiana, and it very well could have been (I am not discarding it could have been her in real life), because she grew up to be the closest to her mother, but at the same time, they all adored their mother, and this happened when they were very small children, so of course any of them could have felt at that age extremely dependent on Alix and unable to imagine a life without her. My opinion is that it could have been any of the four really.  
> I put Olga out of the picture immediately for the purpose of this story because she seemed to be Miss Eagar´s favorite (I am basing my opinion on the number of anecdotes featuring Olga, but that could also have been due to her age), and I rationalized that maybe Miss Eagar would have remembered and written her name down if it was Olga who said it.  
> I chose Maria and not Tatiana because the reasoning described by Miss Eagar sounded like it came from someone really young, but not “two-years-old” young like Anastasia. Maria was 4 when the conversation described happened and it could very well have been her and not Tatiana who worried about moving away from her mother.  
> Last chapter from Olga´s POV, I also made Olga discuss marriage with her father. By this point she has definitely already learnt it means moving away, and following the logic of the story, it would make little sense for Tatiana not to have learnt the same from her older sister, who was the closest to her. There was a bit more room for Maria to be ignorant about it still by this point in the narrative.  
> I also don´t know whether OTMA´s Prussian cousins were good playmates to OTMA as I described, at least not yet, but I wanted to introduce all the maternal cousins in one chapter. Considering the fact Miss Eagar didn´t mention them at all and that I can´t find any pictures of them with Ella and OTMA at the wedding, I assume it is possible that in real life they weren´t with the girls at that particular event (Another option is that Miss Eagar only recalled things about Elizabeth because her death understandably shook her and everyone, she doesn´t talk about the siblings of the bride herself either anyways, and they most definitely were there).  
> I got the information on the blind girl of Pompeii from the met museum.


End file.
